Just to clarify, that opening montage we all just watched wasn’t a preview of the rest of the season; that was just the crap going down tonight. Holy cow, that’s a lot of drama for week 3.

Still excited about this ‘once in a lifetime opportunity’, pal?

We kick off a running them for the night with the girls talking smack about Olivia, who apparently spent 40 grand on clothes. Amanda from OC thinks Olivia isn’t very nice, and she’s not going to invite her to arts and crafts time anymore, to which Olivia replies “Boohoo – is there a Saks around here somewhere?” I’m guessing, with a wardrobe budget like that, Olivia doesn’t wear a lot of homemade berets and sparkly crap.

Lovely Better Half: $40k on clothes? She needs to spend some of that money on make-up…

…unlike Lauren B, who either woke up at 3am to do her hair and makeup, or did it last night and slept standing up. No one looks that good in the morning without serious effort. One group date and two 1-on-1’s, folks, so let’s get this show started.

Lauren B 1-on-1 – The Sky’s the Limit

Lauren B’s heart is all a-flutter and she prances away to apply a second coat of makeup before Ben shows up. He arrives in yet another ’66 Mustang convertible (I’m kind of obsessing over Ben’s car this season. Do I need a mid-life-crisis-mobile? Umm, baby? If you’re reading this, can we talk?) and whisks Lauren away to an airport, where our hopeful flight attendant says, “Thanks. Next time, I’ll plan a date for you, and we’ll go to a financial software convention. Does that sound fun to you, Ben? No? Then why the hell do you think I want to go to an airport?” She looks a little nervous when their ride turns out to be a biplane, but warms up quickly.

So pretty….but it’s so small in here! Where do you keep the service trolleys?

And speaking of preflight safety presentations, I’m pretty sure two people splitting one seat harness is not FAA approved. How did one of them NOT fall out of that plane? They buzz the mansion (Chris Harrison: “Sorry, Ghostrider, the pattern is full…”) and land in the absolute middle of nowhere to go hot tubbing. To their credit, they do manage to talk for a full 30 seconds before they start mauling each other like tiger cubs.

What did you expect? They brought a freaking hot tub to the middle of freaking nowhere. If you can pull that off, you’re getting action…

Dinner at the Camarillo Ranch House, where Ben opens up about his Dad’s heart surgery.

LB: That’s means so much that you would tell me that, Ben. But you’re the Bachelor now; I’m supposed to open up to you about my tragic past.

Ben: I’m sorry, I just felt that I needed you to know what I’m about.

LB: We’re competing for you, Ben. Calm yourself. Is your dad feeling better?

Ben: I don’t know, I haven’t talked to him in a while.

LB: You called him from the driveway on the first night. Which was like 2 days ago in real time.

Ben: Yeah, but by ‘in a while’, I mean since you and I left on our date. They’re always making me check in. It’s so unfair!

Get it? Everyone this season is really young, so he has to check in…forget it. A rose for Lauren B, and then a private concert by You Sea Angel? Fusilli Angel? Lucy Angel, that’s it. The Producers are really banking on the private concerts this season. Nice date, Lovely Better Half thinks Lauren wins it. I’m not positive, but she looks strong for final episode, no?

Interlude

For the first time, I realized that (sniff!) there’s other girls here! And I could end up (whimper!) falling for Ben and having my heart broken! How can I (snivel) open up my heart to him? And what if he does pick me, and then an even better guy comes on next year’s Bachelorette, and I want THAT guy instead? Or even worse, Ben goes on Dancing With The Stars, and I meet Derek Hough? He’s SOOO hot (sob!), and he’s on TV all the time, but (whine!) I would be stuck with stupid one-season Ben and (moan!) his stupid Neil Lane wedding ring!

Group Date – Love is the Goal

The players: Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace, and Emily. The game: Soccer at the LA Coliseum with Kelley O’Hara and Alex Morgan (Go Bears).

I have zero ball handling skills. Except with my mouth. Like I said on the last date, I can do anything with my mouth…

Chris Harrison regales the group with more stories about life in the fast lane:

Have I ever told you guys about the time I beat Lionel Messi at foosball? Played him for $100k, beat him 10-2, and made him crawl under the table after the game was done. Don’t fuck with me on a foosball table…

Let’s split into teams, winner gets a date with Ben, loser goes home. Lessee – the Stars team has Emily (the twin that LBH likes), the Russian girl, Jennifer and the unemployed chick, so we’re rooting for them. Which turns out to be the kiss of death, because it comes down to sudden death and Amber scores the winning goal for Stripes. Sorry to jinx you, ladies.

Anyone else notice Amber wiping tears from her eyes? Alex and Kelley won an actual World Cup playing real soccer and didn’t cry this much. My god.

Back to the mansion for team Stars, where Shushanna carries a wounded Rachel into the house.

I am slender like willow, but strong like bear. Come. We feed you vodka and amputate…

Off to the hotel for Team Stripes! Cheers! Yay! Awesome job, ladies! Wait, where’s Olivia and Ben?

Olivia: Hey bitches! Check it out! I brought Ben to a room, and I’m totally gonna stick his entire face in my gargantuan mouth!

Ben: Umm, I thought you wanted to look at the view?

Alrighty then. Let’s kick off Round 2 of Olivia smack talk: she was weird feet, ugly toes, her boobs are fake (like, obvious fake, not classy fake), and her breath smells. Jami (who for some reason likes Olivia? Wants to stir the pot? Needs some airtime because NO ONE knows who she is?) tells Olivia people were picking her apart:

No! Were they talking about my calves? My cankles? My thalves? Thankles? Kneeves? Front butt? Backward elbows? Detented wrists? Shoulder bumps? Ear lobes? Brow edges? Forehead slope? Lower back arch? My tiny, dainty little mouth? None of those things? [sharp inhale of breath] My toes…they were talking about my toes…you know, perfection is so over-rated…

Leah tells Ben they could be great together, then pets his head, which is just weird and awkward. Lace says this experience is crazy. Yeah, Lace; there’s a lot of crazy around here. And poor Amber: “I like how you handle things and I’m hopeful and now I’m going to completely throw myself at you.”

All I have to do is sleep with him, and I just KNOW he’ll stick around….

Group Date Rose (TM) to Amber, who is happy for tonight, but I don’t see her making it to the final four. I like Amber a lot. She’s a complete sweetheart, and I hope she meets a guy that doesn’t walk all over her because she needs it. I mean, every girl deserves a nice guy, but Amber needs one.

Jubilee 1-on-1 – Love is in the Air

Ben walks in looking super-peppy, and Jubilee immediately rails on him for being 20 minutes late.

Ben: I forget, who’s the Bachelor? Oh, that’s right, it’s me. As Lauren B so astutely pointed out, you’re competing for me. So maybe I’ll take someone else out on my date, and you can spend the NEXT 20 minutes packing your shit.

Lace: Will you pick me?

Ben: No, Lace, I was being facetious.

Lace: OK. I love you. I’m not crazy.

A helicopter shows up, and a very nervous Jubilee asks if anyone else wants to go on the date, and she’s obviously kidding. Amber is visibly offended because “Ben planned this amazing date, and Jubilee doesn’t want to go.” Amber’s been on this show twice (and counting) and she hasn’t figured out that the Bachelor doesn’t actually plan these dates himself? Not helping your cause, sister.

They fly to some spa on top of a mountain somewhere, where we learn that Jubilee hates caviar but LOVES hot dogs (?). They play shuffleboard, make out in the pool, and Jubilee thinks it’s great, because sometimes “you have to see what life together is like. What just a normal day would be like.”

Yup, just another normal, average day. Real life and all that jazz…

Anybody remember Ben Flajnik? I saw a picture on another blog of him and Courtney hanging out at a bar in SF called the Final Final. I used to hang out at the Final Final, and it’s not one of these fancy lounge bars with hand-crafted cocktails and overpriced appetizers. It’s the kind of place I’d go with boys and play pool and drink beer and do shots well into the trouble-making hours of the evening. In my younger, wilder, days, I’d get belligerent and throw up at that bar. I bet there was a time when Courtney thought that real life was going to be helicopter rides and spa retreats, too. But it wasn’t. It was sitting in a dive bar dressed like a homeless girl, watching guys like me yak outside the window. Amazing that relationship never worked out.

Anywho, they meet for dinner, and Ben probes Jubilee about her past. She’s from Haiti and her whole family was killed. Wow. And now all Ben wants to do is pull that question back. That question was coached by the production staff, and it was uncomfortable and opportunistic and awkward, and I feel bad for Jubilee getting put on the spot. Rose for Jubilee (umm, YEAH).

Cocktail Party

Everyone is shocked that Jubilee got a rose, since she was so unappreciative of the date that “Ben planned”.

Ben doesn’t want someone negative. He wants someone who is going to get along with all the other soccer moms. Because THAT’S what guys think is sexy: the perfect Stepford image of a woman waist deep in Capri sun and orange slices.

Ben drops a bombshell that two close family friends were killed in a plane crash, so he’s feeling a little somber tonight. Olivia jumps at the opportunity to console him:

So, you know how…[choking back tears] this is so hard…you know how everyone has things about their body they wish they could change? I hate my legs. From the waist down, I just hate every part of my body. People have written blogs about my cankles. [sob!] Sorry, I’m just try to be strong all the time. Anyway, enough about me. You said something about a college friend being in a bike accident? Was anyone hurt?

And besides the part at the end, that’s pretty much what she said; very little creative license taken on that one. Deep, Olivia, real deep. Jubilee takes a different approach, and gives Ben a massage, which sends the entire house into a fury.

He was just laying there and she was like rubbing his body! Oh my gawww! Men and women just don’t go around touching each other’s bodies! People shouldn’t touch each other at all! I shouldn’t even see something like that, it’s just so wrong!. Why can’t a man and a woman just have a nice telephone conversation? All this…touching…ewww….

The rest of the girls are so pissed, Amber wants to stage an intervention but Jubilee wants no part of it and storms into her room. And now, as a direct result of their collective insanity, the last thing anyone wants to happen happens, and Ben goes upstairs to console Jubilee. Then, Amber shows how dumb she really is, and confronts both Jubilee AND Ben. No matter how much drama is going on in the house, you never, never, EVER let the Bachelor see The Crazy Behind the Curtain. I don’t know how I can put this any more plainly: ladies, We just…don’t…care. At All. Your shit with your girlfriends is exactly that: yours. Leave us out of it. And if Ben could take the rose back, he would, but as for now, it looks like Amber has earned herself a trip back to Chicago next week.

Wait…what just happened? I thought you liked drama?

Final cray-cray of the night belongs to Lace:

Hey, Ben. So, this whole process is so crazy – do I use that word a lot? – and I don’t think I’m handling it well. And I have a lot of work to do on myself, and just like my tattoo says, “You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself”, I don’t love myself just yet. And that’s why I got the tattoo; to remind me. Because my mood medication makes me forgetful. I also tattooed my address on my forearm, which sucks, because I just moved and I keep going home to the wrong place, and I need to change it to my new address. I should add that to my list of things to work on. Do you have a pen?

THANK. GOD.

Rose Ceremony

Sticking around:

Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee are all pre-rosed

Lauren H – a soccer mom with no ball-handling skills. Just what every guy wants.

Amanda – mom, sweet, non-existent this episode

Becca – Will you accept this rose? Sure, as long as you don’t make me touch your body.

Haley – the bad twin

Emily – LBH approved twin (I still can’t tell them apart)

Rachel – Rides a hoverboard without incident, but critically injures herself running on grass.

Caila – nothing going on with her tonight

JoJo – ditto

Jennifer – ditto

Leah – ditto

Olivia – who might have knocked herself out of the Final Four? Maybe? Ben thinks she’s hot, but he was supremely turned off by her tonight

 

Going home:

Shushanna, Jami, and of course Lace

That’s it. Olivia babbles about her and Ben’s unspoken language of love. Whatever. It looks like Lace gave Olivia her Crazy as a parting gift, and now Ms. News Anchor is going to use ALL of it.

 

And now, Ben farts in the hot tub. These poor people can’t hide anything from the camera.

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Bachelor Live

– The comedy act was terrible

– Hats off to Lace for showing up and handling the questions like a champ.

– Is Mesnick trying to stage a comeback? Don’t tell me Sean and Catherine weren’t available.

– I can’t believe there was ever a point in my life where I wanted to hook up with sorority girls. Then again, I was probably a helluva lot more annoying when I was 19 than the good sisters of Alpha Phi, so I’ll stop throwing stones. Glass houses, etc, etc…