The time has come for the episode that Bachelor Nation loves and the Bachelor himself dreads the most – Women Tell All. In the past, I’ve admitted to my own love/hate relationship with this week. I like watching it; there’s nothing quite so entertaining as a bunch of semi-rational strangers yelling, pointing fingers, and generally tearing each other apart, and the more inane the arguments, the better. On the other hand, people pretty much just argue for 2 straight hours, so it’s a tough week to write about. You want a recap? A yelled at B, who then yelled at C for selling her out to A in the first place. Then E, F, G, H, and I all ganged up on J for being two-faced and bitchy until J broke out in tears because no one understands her and she’s really sorry if she offended anyone. Chris Harrison does one-on-one interviews with K & L, and The Producers spend the next 10 days trolling online media to see which one would be the more popular Bachelorette. And M (who no one remembers, because she was sent home Week 2) ends up talking too much, and strangely seems to be more hurt than anyone that her relationship with Ben “never had a chance to grow”. There you go – the whole night summed up in 4 sentences. The one potential highlight is that Ben seems to get more nervous every week, and he might actually sweat through his suit and pass out tonight. Especially since he has to push the “I’m in love with two women” storyline into next week, when he actually proposed to one of those women over 2 months ago, and that particular woman is watching from home, listening – ahem – intently to his every word. Tread carefully, Young Bachelor…

But all of that is just my pre-game expectations. How about we watch the real thing and find out? First off, a record number of women this season told Ben that they love him. There are official Bachelor records? Is there statistics manager in a records room somewhere that tracks this stuff? What are the other records? Number of interruptions on a group date, both single episode and season. Number of times someone says “I can see a future with him/her”. Number of bro-hugs. Number of times a guy yells “You don’t know me!” during a fight. Number of times someone says “the right reasons” (no one can count that high). Chris Harrison head-nods in a single season. I want to see this mythical book of statistics, and maybe someday it will be released to the public, but until then, we’ll have to settle for viewing parties.

Party #1

Chris Harrison, you are the man! But if you wake my baby up, I’m going to f’ing KILL you…

That baby did not look happy when everyone started screaming. And I bet Dad was none too thrilled when Mom asked Baby Ella if she wanted to see Ben’s abs. “Hey honey! We have a 4-month old baby and you have 20 of your friends here to watch a tv show while I try to rock her to sleep. Can you do me a solid and not throw yourself at The Bachelor right in front of my face? Thanks!”

Party #2

Ummm…what? Really, I have no idea where to go with this. I want to say it’s for Easter, but that’s not until the end of the month, so that can’t be it. If anyone has any idea why these people put a picture on a cake of Chris Harrison half-naked, wearing bunny ears, holding carrots and flexing his guns, please let me know. I’m completely stumped. But, it does have sprinkles; everyone loves sprinkles.

Party #3 The sorority house

Hey! I just told 4 more girls that I love them!

Let’s Bring Out the Ladies

…And Tiara’s chicken. Recap some drama, and Lace is visibly embarrassed by her footage. There’s a little Jubilee followed by a whole lot of Olivia. People start to launch into Olivia, but thankfully they’re interrupted by an unruly chicken. Leah tries to defend throwing Lauren B under the bus. And apparently Jami and Amber were offended because Jubilee called herself “all black”? That’s a storyline we didn’t get a hint of this season. I guess I can see how Amber and Jami might be offended, but I can also see why Jubilee might say that, because hey, she’s all black and it’s what she is. I don’t know; doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, but maybe she said it funny. Apologies all around; let’s fire up the hot seat.

Jubilee

She’s really hard to get, y’all. But in all fairness, her whole family died and she served in a war, so she gets a pass from me for having a defense mechanism or two. These girls can complain about Jubilee all they want, but she’s had real struggles in her life beyond not making the cheerleading team or getting dumped by their high school boyfriend. I think Jubilee is remarkably well-adjusted in light of the road she has traveled, and she has her shit way more together than 90% of the people on that stage.

Lace

More embarrassing highlights. I notice that the only time Ben is drinking water this season is when he’s talking to Lace. He wants complete control of his facilities when he’s dealing with that hot mess.

Chris Harrison: So, what happened this season?

Lace: That wasn’t me, I was just so uncomfortable with the whole situation.

Chris Harrison: Uncomfortable or loaded?

Lace: Well, maybe uncomfortably loaded…

Chris: Have you been seeing anyone?

Lace: I’ve dated some people.

Chris: That’s great, but before you continue, we have a lunatic in the audience that tattooed your face on his body, and he wants a picture with you.

Lace: Ummm…ok…

I think the horrified expressions of the audience say it all…

Chris: [moving on like nothing happened – complete pro] So, Lace, I was wondering if you’d like to join us in Paradise?

Lace: Sure, I’d love to!

And Jorge officially has a margarita with Lace’s name on it! That’s a wise decision for someone that’s uncomfortable with reality tv and needs time to “work on themselves”. One step forward, 3 steps back…

Olivia

Do we finally get to hear the harrowing story of how Olivia escaped from the island where she got dumped by building a bamboo raft and sailing away with Wilson until she was eventually discovered in a shipping lane off the coast of Florida? Nope, but she will tell us that she owned up to many of things that she did wrong, and Amanda is literally starting to laugh out loud.

Really, Olivia? Because you talked shit about my kids, and said that a guy should run the opposite way because I’m a single mom. I LOVE being a mom. Being a mom is my jam…

Boom. “Being a mom is my jam” really was the quote of the night. After that, the floodgates are open, and it’s an onslaught of “What about the time you said this, Olivia!”, until Chris Harrison has to cut to commercial to make sure that Olivia’s still breathing. The twins can’t stop talking at the same time, which is amazing and weird to watch. Can you imagine how awesome a hometown date at their place would have been? Ben’s head would have exploded. Then Olivia calls herself a public figure.

Mmm-hmmm…tell me more about what that’s like, Olivia?

And Izzy becomes the Girl Who No One Remembers That Talks Too Much:

Jami: Who are you, again? Didn’t you go home on night one?

Olivia falls apart, because she’s been destroyed on social media, and apologizes to everyone, and it actually sounds heartfelt. Way better than the apology that douchebag Ian from Kaitlyn’s season gave when he got down on one knee. That was weird. By the way, did you know he went to Princeton? He was a track star and a model and he gets laid a LOT. Just ask him, he’ll tell you all about it. Anyway, that looked like a legit performance, and I’m willing to give Olivia a reprieve. On the other hand, Olivia says she watches the show, and if she’s “totally into smart things and stuff” like she says, then she should know that people that act like assholes get eviscerated, so the public backlash shouldn’t be a surprise, right? There were 20+ women this season that played it totally cool and normal; there’s no reason why she couldn’t do the same thing. Whatever. Olivia’s insecure, she tries to make up for it with manufactured confidence and it comes out as arrogant and rude. She’ll learn. Or not. Who cares.

Caila

Now we’re getting to a real contender, though I’m not sure the pantsuit was the right choice. And you can definitely tell by the look on her face during the video replay that she and Ben panthered all night long. Man, it’s brutal when The Producers make these girls watch themselves break down in the car. So bunk. It’s hard for her to open her heart, she doesn’t fall in love easily, blah, blah. She plays the heartbreak card pretty hard, but I’m not buying it. I never thought I’d say that Olivia was more honest than Caila, but I bet Caila was over Ben by the time her flight from the Bahamas landed in Akron.

Hey Ben, are you done throwing up? ‘Cos you’re on….

Ben: Man, I’m nervous. Is that a chicken?

Ben and Caila take turns thanking each other. Then Leah jumps in, and she should really stop talking, because Ben could care less about who she is or why he sent her home. Jubilee wonders why Ben didn’t beg her to stay like he did with Caila and JoJo. The whole segment was kind of anti-climactic, to be honest. The girls went very easy on Ben tonight. The toughest question he got was Harrison asking him to tell the twins apart.

Bloopers

Cameramen in the pool, spilled drinks, JoJo gives herself hard nipples (?), bubbles in the hot tub, JoJo burps, Jubilee burps, Becca says Farmer Chris’s name by accident (or not…?), Ben trips on some stairs, and nature attacks. Seriously, bugs and lizards and pigs and mini-horses went hog-wild on everyone, all season long.

Next week, the MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER! And it might not just be Chris Harrison’s penchant for hyperbole this time. Not only does Ben tell both Lauren and JoJo that he loves them, but it looks like he tells both women that he loves both women. And that, my friends, is a recipe for a total train wreck of an episode. Embrace it with both arms…

 

And now, let’s watch the mini-horse wreak havoc on craft services.