The guys sure hit that open bar like it was the last night of Mardi Gras, huh? Those dudes were wasted. The Producers should replace this season’s Men Tell All with an episode of Intervention. You combine the group alcohol intake with JoJo’s penchant for making bad decisions in the men department, and this should be an entertaining season.

Setting the Scene

But all in good time, my friends – let’s kick off Week 1! I was all geared up, notebook in hand, and then ABC pulled the headfake with Dancing With The Stars. I don’t really watch that show much, but man, that Bruno guy sure likes to talk. I thought Tom Bergeron was going to have to hit him with a tranquilizer gun so they could roll the credits. Eventually we get a recap of JoJo’s journey, where Ben swears he won’t blindside her (“cross my heart and hope to die…”) and then does exactly that. How does he not get more crap for that? I know he’s such a nice guy and all, and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but sometimes the nice thing to do is not lead someone on when you’re into someone else. JoJo walks pensively on the beach while Jonathon Livingston Seagull provides inspiration for the journey that lies ahead:

“You have the freedom to be yourself, JoJo, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way. You look hot, by the way…”

Off to Bachelor mansion for some advice from Kaitlyn, Desiree, and a very pregnant Ali:

JoJo: So, is there anything you guys regret doing?

Kaitlyn: Ummm, YEAH!

What do we learn? Be honest, if you feel it go with it, ignore the guys you like the most (?), and don’t tell everyone that you love them (ahem – Ben…) Next up, let’s meet some of the guys:

Grant the Firefighter:

You’d think driving a firetruck would be the coolest thing ever, but Grant manages to make it look dorky. He is from San Francisco, though, so we’re pulling for him.

Jordan – went a whole 23 seconds before mentioning his brother’s name.

Alex the Marine – his twin brother is a marine, too, and both of these guys are covered in ink. There’s a tattoo artist in Oceanside putting his kids through college on these guys.

James S(uperfan) –

Seriously? And still no mention of a real job.

Evan – former pastor, now specializing in helping guys get it up. Have you ever wondered what a Bachelor Intern looks like?

Stand there, shake Evan’s hand, now hold it! Great, we’ll blur out his face later. You – go wash Harrison‘s car.

Ali – surfer, piano player, skateboarder, general man of leisure.

Christian – mixed race guy who’s white dad kept him a secret because his grandpa was racist? That’s messed up. He’s also taking care of his 2 little brothers. Another guy squarely in the ‘root for’ column.

Luke – Texas boy, should play well with JoJo. Those staged shots of him leaning against the barn are WAY over-the-top, though.

The Limos Arrive

Here’s JoJo! Hi Chris! Hi JoJo!

LBH: That’s a big limo for one girl.

Me: You know all the guys are hanging out at the bottom of the driveway and there’s only one limo and the driver just backs it up and down the hill like 8 times.

JoJo: I’m so nervous! I can’t believe this is all going to start in just a few minutes!

CH: Seconds really. However long it takes Jorge to get the car to craft services and back.

JoJo: It’s so crazy! I’m so ready to find love, and I truly believe that the man of dreams will be here, and I can’t wait to start my journey of-

CH: Shhh. The limo’s back.

Here come the boys. Some highlights:

Jordan – Crazy big hair. He spends more time in the mirror than JoJo. And his suit’s way too tight, but JoJo is digging on him big time.

Derek – Lovely Better Half: You thought I’d like this guy? His ears are too big. And his voice is weird. And he has a fat butt. [ok…duly noted…]

Robby – LBH: No wine glasses? If a guy made me drink wine out of a bottle, he’d be gone. [now, I’m just getting nervous…]

James Taylor – comes out singing, of course.

Jonathon  – wearing a kilt, and then says he’s Scottish from the waist down. I guess it’s ok if he makes that joke? Daniel the Model is the most offended, because as we shall see, he likes to keep things dignified. And for what it’s worth, Sean Connery wears a kilt, and he’s The Man.

Saint Nick – I think this is Nick B, though it could be Nick Viall trying to sneak on the show. Again, Daniel the Model is offended, because this type of behavior just isn’t appropriate. Stay classy, Daniel.

Sal and his blue balls. Who told him this would be a good idea? Enjoy the bar, Sal. You’re going home early.

Evan –

Oh my god bless America! How’s it going, girlie? I brought you this rag soaked in chloroform…

Wells – shows up with All-4-One, and serenades JoJo with I Swear. Smoooooth. Even Brandon is impressed:

Wow. That was pretty hipster….

Christian shows up on a motorcycle, and, not to be outdone, Luke rides in on a white horse with a unicorn horn taped to it’s head. Who has to take care of the horse for the rest of the night? The same Intern that had to get a penis injection in Evan’s office? Tough gig.

Let the Wine Flow Free

JoJo joins the guys for a toast…

Santa Claus is really committed to that outfit. Maybe TOO committed.

…and it’s off to the races. There’s really no subtle way to put it: this cocktail party is a trainwreck. Guys are drinking themselves cross-eyed, stumbling around, crashing the interview room, and if JoJo hears “I’m so nervous” from one more guy, she’s leaving the show tonight and going straight to “Bachelor in Paradise III: We’re All Drunks, But At Least We’re Not Scared To Talk To A Girl”. And Drunk Santa is all in, all night long.

JoJo: Why are you still wearing this thing? It’s March.

Will manages to steal the first kiss of the season, and it’s romantic in a way only a civil engineer can pull off:

JoJo: Ummm, thanks. That was awkward. Why don’t you hang out with your friends at the bar, while I go talk to Jordan, mm-kay?

And then Jordan shows Will how it’s really done:

JoJo: That was amazing!

Jordan: Thanks. My brother taught me how to kiss. Did you know my brother is Aaron Rodgers?

Meanwhile, there’s Wells, who’s cooler than the other side of the pillow:

Yeah, so these guys will pretty much follow us around everywhere. Like, do you want to grab a sandwich? And they’ll follow us to the sandwich shop. It’s like iTunes, but with real people.

Wells is killing it tonight, though Ali was pretty close with the piano recital. Of course, they’re the only two sober people in the room, so they can stand out from the pack just by forming a complete sentence. But the Week One Idiot of the Night Award Sponsored by Drunk Craig ™ goes to Daniel the Model. First, he talks a little shit about Kilt Guy and Santa. So he’s kind of an arrogant prick, but he’ll probably play it cool tonight. And then his wheels start to wobble…

There’s a lot of really good-looking guys here. If I was gay, I’d be in paradise.

…and then they come completely off…

Hey guys! Let’s strip! Anyone can look good in a suit, I want to see you guys with your pants off! Come on, let’s get naked! What? It’s not gay!

…and he goes careening into the water.

Hey! Who crashed the Lambo in the pool?

Let us recall that Daniel’s questionnaire listed his biggest turn-off as a girl that embarrasses him in public, which begs the question: What does a girl have to do to publicly embarrass him? Blow a bartender? (I think Ali’s ears just perked up). I don’t have a problem with guys acting like idiots; Drunk Craig from Andi’s season was my favorite guy that’s ever been on the show. But I have no tolerance for a hypocrite. I hope Chad goes full PTSD and knocks the crap out of this clown. Oh I’m sorry – am I foreshadowing too much?

The actual winner of the night, however, is Jordan, who gets the First Impression Rose thanks to Aaron’s lessons on making out.  Evan is devastated:

But my sexual energy is so powerful and beautiful…

Rose Ceremony

Alright guys, see if you can manage to stumble your way into the gallery and stand upright for 3 minutes while we pass out some roses. But first, a new arrival! Jake Pavelka! I have no clue who he is, but Lovely Better Half is disgusted. James Superfan is none too happy, either.

Damn you, Jake Pavelka! Damn you and your nefarious ways…

The rest of the guys are with me:

Hey, Superfan. Who is this guy?

But it’s all misdirection; Jake is a family friend who came to wish JoJo luck. Though the “longtime family friend” thing got me thinking. This show must get a ridiculous amount of applications, so knowing someone who’s been on the franchise before must give you a leg up, and clearly JoJo knowing Jake helped her get on Ben’s season. Are we creating a whole cultural subclass of reality television stars? You know, like how Ivy League kids go to the same school their parents went, and they marry other people from the same school and they have kids that get accepted 20 years later, so you have a whole incestuous subset of Ivy League families all marrying and procreating with each other. Twenty years from now, are we going to see Ashley and JP’s kids and Michelle Money’s kid on Bachelor in Paradise 32: The Next Generation? Am I rambling again? Whatever, Jake takes off, and this guy is relieved:

Though I don’t know why, since no one knows who he is and he has no chance of sticking around. Did he just sneak on the set? Or is he a place holder while Vinny the Barber throws up in the bathroom? Who knows, let’s get this show on the road:

A rose For You:

Jordan – first impression, looking strong out of the gate

Luke – unicorn guy

Wells – another strong performance, though not sure if he’s the manly type JoJo usually goes for

James Taylor – singer

Grant – Bay Area sticks around for another week

Derek – big butt

Christian

Chad – seems like kind of a dick. And then we see this season’s previews…

Chase – who?

Alex – Marine Twin

Robby the swimmer

Brandon the Least Hip Hipster

James F – boxing club guy

Ali – man of leisure

St Nick – I still think it’s Nick B. But maybe Nick S. Or Nick V.

Will – the awkward kissing engineer

James Superfan

Vinny – who seriously can’t see straight right now

Evan – oh my god bless America

Daniel the Model – the only Canadian on earth who can’t hold his liquor. The Producers negotiated this one. JoJo has NO interest.

Wait, is she done picking yet?

Yes, and you have to go home:

Coley – still not a real name

Jake – didn’t even see him tonight

Jonathon – it’s a strange night when you wear a kilt, and it’s still not enough to get you noticed

Nick S – too close to Nick V to keep around. Can’t be too careful.

Peter – Who? Oh, the placeholder

Sal – should have held on to those blue balls, pal

And the longest night of the season is a wrap. Previews of the tidal wave of drama coming our way: cities, snow, beaches, Thailand, Robby has a girlfriend, Jordan has a famous brother, James T has a busted eye, and Chad has some anger issues. Like serious roid-rage, Incredible Hulk, “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” anger issues. This guy is a time bomb, and it eventually gets so bad, The Producers have to call in the big guns to reign him in:

Chris ‘The Enforcer’ Harrison: You’re threatening people, pushing people, guys are scared – we can’t have that. Not on my show. There’s only one alpha dog around here, son, and you’re not it. If you don’t cut this crap out, I’ll knock you straight into next week. I’ll parade you around the mansion like a prison yard bitch and sell you for cigarettes. I’ll let the production crew run a train on your ass. Are we clear?

Chad: Yes, Chris…

Chris Harrison: Excuse me? You think we’re on a first name basis now?

Chad: No, Mr. Harrison. Sorry, Mr. Harrison.

Looks like we’re in store for a phenomenal season. See ya, next week, my friends.

 

And now, James Superfan meets his ultimate hero.

CH: Look, I’ve already told you: if you need to contact me, you do it through my assistant. You need to stop calling my personal number.