Week 3! And we already have a very special 2-night Bachelor Extravaganza! I haven’t had this much homework since college. Maybe I picked the wrong season to try my hand at this. At least I didn’t start last season, when the producers invented the month of “Juan-uary” and spent every Sunday night following Sean and Catherine Giggly Face on their epic journey of wedding planning. “Grown-sexy”? Really? How boring did that couple turn out to be. When it comes to being a fly-on-the-wall for someone’s wedding night, I can think of about 100 celebrity couples I’d pick ahead of them, and not all of those couples are necessarily that hot. By the way, do you think Chris Harrison had to sit Sean down and talk him through the wedding night? “You’re going to get a funny feeling in the bathing suit area, Sean. Don’t worry; it’s perfectly normal.” And I can’t believe I just used “celebrity couple” to describe Sean and Catherine. Anyway, on to part one.

There are still too many guys to go somewhere exotic, so we’re off to Santa Barbara! The resort is awesome – right on the beach with amazing sunset views of the offshore oil rigs. What the hell was happening in California when that got approved? You can’t use hairspray in this state without getting arrested. (After a quick Wikipedia search, the rigs near Santa Barbara are more than 3 miles out, which puts them under Federal jurisdiction rather than state. Apparently – and I believe everything on Wikipedia– the field has produced approximately 260 million barrels of oil in the past 40 years, which is enough to supply the US for a little under 14 days. So, forty years of a complete eyesore off the Santa Barbara coast for 2 weeks worth of oil? Got it. Thanks, Washington!) Back at the mansion, Chris Harrison drops off the first date card and says “Have a great week and hopefully I’ll see you at the next rose ceremony.” I love this guy. He’s not even pretending to work anymore.

Nick gets the first date card – “Let’s ride off into the sunset”. He meets Andi on a pier and they ride bikes through Santa Barbara. I know I come from a different generation that drank from water hoses and never wore seat belts, but come on – unless you’re doing some full-on X Games-style stunt riding, you don’t need to wear a helmet on a bike. Seriously, they got passed by 10 year old girl on a skateboard. They ride up to a hill overlooking the coastline, and Nick opens up to Andi. “It’s difficult to be part of an unnatural process where I don’t know where I stand when I put myself out there and you can’t reciprocate but you’re going on dates with 12 other guys and I’m feeling like a schoolboy that’s run out of buzzwords.” The camera pans out for the fading shot, and there’s absolutely no way they peddled all the way up that mountain. They’re like 50 miles away from the ocean. Wait – is that Catherine in a Suave commercial? Very grown-sexy! Hold on to that 15 minutes, baby! Don’t you dare let go!

Dinner is at the Santa Barbara court house. Andi asks Nick why he’s still single and he drones on about being in an immature relationship and learning from his past and being so self-aware and my Lovely Better Half is falling in love right now. She’s got a thing for guys with high emotional IQ’s, and somehow she ended up with me. I took one of those tests once, and when she asks me my score, I doubled it and still got a disapproving look. For what it’s worth, he’s scoring points with Andi as well. He gets the rose and they go to the viewing tower to look at downtown Santa Barbara for 2 seconds than make out like teenagers for an hour. Andi is smitten, and the guy I originally called a “bro-drunk’ has just secured himself a hometown date. Once again, I know nothing.

Date card comes for the group date – “Let’s start things off on the right note”. The boys are way too excited for karaoke. On to Santa Barbara where Patrick runs towards Andi like a girl and the guys are introduced to Boyz II Men (yes, I had to look up the spelling). Lot’s of bro-hugging ensues and Patrick says “I love Boyz II Men.” I guarantee you the Newport Beach advertising executive does not love Boyz II Men. Bradley makes the fatal mistake of getting cocky because he’s the professional singer, thinking he has this one locked up. Watch the show, brother. The professional singer never wins the singing competitions just like the professional dancer never wins the dancing competitions. It always goes to the one who looked like an idiot but “stepped out of their comfort zone.” They split up into groups and these guys are truly terrible. Honestly, they strip better than they sing. The only person that sings worse is Andi, who takes a few tries to master “yeah…”, but she’s going along with it.

Later that day, Chris Harrison shows up to introduce Boyz II Men (seriously? What’s he doing here?). Marcus says “This is a band we grew up with. I’m pumped!” Dude, you were 2 when their first album came out; calm yourself. The guys get on stage and, if we’re honest, they’re terrible and a couple guys forget the lyrics, but they own it and everyone has a good time. The most surprising thing to me is that Cocky Professional Opera singer Bradley sounds like crap. I’m sure it was the acoustics or the mic or the something else, but come on man – walk the talk. Overall, I think this picture sums it up pretty well:

Bradley sings us into the commercial break and I’ve had just about enough of opera boy.

Everyone goes back to Bacara for nighttime festivities. Andi pulls Cody away and pranks him about having a girlfriend, which he buys hook, line and sinker. And now I love Andi a lot more than I did 5 minutes ago. Nice move sister, you even had me fooled. Marcus is losing ground rapidly in LBH’s eyes. “He’s cute but he’s such a wimp.” And, as if on cue, he asks permission to kiss Andi. In my notes for the future talk with the boy: you don’t ask permission to kiss a girl; you wait until the time is right and then you just do it. But, Andi makes out with him anyway because he’s too hot for words, even if he is gentle like a flower. As Marcus is talking to the camera crew about how special their moment was, Josh the Ex-Athlete (don’t judge) comes in and shows how it’s really done. Andi can barely get a complete sentence out before he leans in and they start mauling each other like cats in a bag. He gives her every generic line in the book. “I like you a lot”, “What do you like about me?”, “Everything”, and Andi doesn’t believe a word of it but she doesn’t care because this guy is the man to Marcus’ little girl, and she’s going to keep him around until he inevitably does something sleazy. But for now, he gets the rose and Marcus looks like he’s going to cry.

It’s time for the one-on-one date, with JJ getting the card this time. He steps out of the car and his pants are amazing. They get made up like old people and the transformation is actually pretty cool. LBH and I both want to do this now. They wander around Santa Barbara acting like old people, riding scooters and limping a lot. Not sure how they expect to fool people with a camera crew following them around, but hey, it’s television. A little suspension of disbelief is required. It looks like they’re having fun, I guess, but he’s not really that funny, and she looks like she’s hanging out with her brother. Andi says she does believe in love and she “wants to meet someone to spend her life with,” but it’s just not going to be JJ. They meet later that night, and they crack some more old-people-jokes. We get it, you pretended to be old; turn the page. JJ goes into his life story and says he got picked on in high school, probably by a bunch of guys exactly like Josh. Do you think if he walked in on Josh and Andi making out, he’d have a flashback and snap? Any possibility he goes postal? He gets the rose, because, unless you turn into a complete asshole, it’s basically impossible to not get a rose on a one-on-one date. She tries to make out with him but it’s kind of uncomfortable, so they high-five instead.

The big news back at the mansion while the date is happening: Ron gets a call that a close friend passed away and he needs drop out of the show. I know we didn’t see that much of him, but that’s a tough break, and you hate to see a guy leave under those circumstances.

Let the cocktail party begin. Andi says a few nice words about Ron and they start hanging out. While Andi and Eric are talking, a delivery guy drops off roses from Nick, and I get a weird feeling. Nick sure has a lot of game for a guy who acts so humble and shy and sweet. Seriously, don’t tell me this is the first time he’s pulled something like this with a girl. I’m starting to think that my initial impression was right, and maybe this guy is a little bit of a player. Seriously, out of these three guys, which one looks like he’s pulling the strings?

Josh looks kinda dopey, JJ looks like a dear in the headlights, but Nick looks like Kevin Spacey at the end of Usual Suspects. He is a man in complete control. Anyway, Andi talks to a few other guys, nothing exciting. She talks with Marcus; he emotes a little, his voice quivering more with each passing minute, and LBH is officially over him. I celebrate a silent victory in my mind.

Of course, it’s not a cocktail party without a little drama. JJ gets his pants in a bunch (ha!) because Skeevy Andrew got a number from a girl on the second night they were in LA. JJ recruits Josh (because he got beat up by Josh in high school and he knows what he’s capable of) and they confront Andrew about getting the number. Andrew hides in his room until he has time to get his story straight. He got a number, didn’t do anything with it, end of lie story. Unsurprisingly, Patrick comes to his defense, because he can’t imagine life in the house without Andrew. I think he’s secretly hoping Andi picks both of them in the final episode and she takes turns being their beard during holidays. I honestly don’t know what these guys are arguing about. They have cameras on them 24 hours a day, can’t they just go to the tape? I guess a whiny bitch-fest makes for better TV. Mercifully, Chris Harrison ends their little slap fight by announcing the rose ceremony.

 

Already rosed up:

Nick, the secret Master of the Universe

Josh – I’m not an athlete. I’m not.

JJ – he’s pants-tatic!

 

Coming back for more:

Marcus – so cute, so insecure

Brian – basketball coach. Umm, that’s all I got.

Marquel – the best guy not to get a one-on-one yet

Tasos – last rose for you buddy

Cartoon Cody

Patrick, who accepts only on the condition that Andrew can stay

Farmer Chris – pretty much absent this episode

Eric, international man of mystery

Dylan – the only guy I know less about than Ron

(CH: “Line? Oh, right. Final rose, blahblahblah…”)

Skeevy Andrew! And JJ practically craps his…nah, that’s too easy.

 

Gone:

Brett the Hairstylist – I had high hopes for this guy, but he held back too much. You only have so much airtime in the first few weeks and you really need to go hard. Not Drunk Craig hard, but enough to get noticed.

Bradley – “I love to be loved, and I love to love.” LBH feels bad for him. She thinks he’s legitimately broken up about the whole thing. Me? He’s pitching HARD for the next bachelor. Can you imagine an entire season of listening to this guy sing every line? “I am here to find LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEE!!!!” No thanks.

 

Tomorrow: trains, games and Indian casinos. Oh yeah, and LOTS of drama. Until next time…