Bachelorette Week 5 – Tonight! On an all new Bachelorette! The Journey So Far!

WTF? Are they serious? We’re 4 episodes in and they’re already giving us a season recap? Isn’t that a little bit like that chick that sings “Friday” putting out a Greatest Hits album? I’m sure she’ll have a long and illustrious career and all (sarc\), but why don’t we let the little phenom breathe a little before she gets her own VH1 Rockumentary. Or is it possible that our collective short term memories are so wrecked, that we can’t remember what happened 4 weeks ago? Come to think of it, since I had a kid, I can’t remember what I did 4 minutes ago, so there might be something to that. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Bachelorette…

Chris Harrison takes a break from his baccarat table in Monaco to phone in some voiceovers – wait, no he doesn’t! Who is that guy talking right now? You’re telling me Chris Harrison has a back-up host? Because, you know, he’s had his nose to the grindstone all season and he really needs a break. Anyway, the senior intern does some voiceovers while the producers show us everything we just watched over the past 3 weeks. It’s kind of funny that they can condense 8 hours of viewing into 60 minutes, and you miss absolutely nothing from the season. It’s also kind of funny that Drunk Craig is conspicuously absent from the recap, and by funny I mean in a really, really sad-clown kind of way that makes me shed a nostalgic tear. And just for comparison’s sake, we see Chris from Emily’s season acting insane, the March of the Long Hairs, and Cody pushing a car – all things that are far less entertaining than Drunk Craig doing a Captain Morgan impersonation. We do get to see a replay of Brett and his Magic Hotel Lamp, though, so I’m placated for now. Anyway, there’s literally nothing we haven’t seen already, so on to final 20 minutes.

Thankfully, the producers found the Secret Lost Tapes from last week’s episode, so we finally get to see the drama unfold during the fateful rose ceremony that sent Tasos home. When we left, Andi was sitting at the bar by herself while the boys were talking strategy with each other. Nick the Assassin walks over to console Andi and see how she’s holding up. Of course he does, because, unlike the majority of these guys, Nick actually has some game, and thinks about what Andi needs at the moment. If it benefits him in the end, all the better. What a novel concept; they should make a TV show about this. So, Nick talks to her for a bit, she comes back out and makes the obligatory “I’m here for y’all” speech, and Harrison takes her away to prep for the rose ceremony. The guys immediately get all pissy-pants with Nick, saying they would’ve liked to talk to her and they wanted to console her, too. Whatever. Everyone had the same opportunity to walk up and talk to her; Nick took it, they didn’t. I’m not sure why they’re all ripping this guy. It’s not like he dropped a couple smoke grenades and snuck out of the room ninja-style. Though he could have, if wanted to. Nick comes and goes like the wind. Anyway, the whole thing sounds like sour grapes to me. On a side note, Crazy Cartoon Cody is looking more and more like Sean Lowe every episode. He’s even starting to sound like him. Not relevant to anything, but I had to throw that out there.

Rose ceremony airs, and we all know Tasos gets sent home. For his part, Tasos is classy about it, and Andi gives him the motivational break-up speech – “I think you’re amazing! You deserve something amazing! Be Amazing! Just not with me…” He gets in the limo and the dude looks legitimately broken up over the whole thing. And it’s not just my Lovely Better Half that thinks so; I’m buying it, too. No chance that he’s the next Bachelor, though. He seems a little too edgy for the bulk of the audience, methinks.

And now, it goes to 11! Next week, everyone is off to the South of France, so they can finally start “seeing what their life is going to be like together”. Let the metaphors flow like fine French wine…

Bonne journée, mes amis!

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