Welcome to week 2 of Bachelor Ben! Is Lace just a bad drunk, or is she really batshit insane? Will Ben reveal his wild and crazy side, or will he continue to be just kinda tall and nice? Will Becca throw caution to the wind and get to first base? Will Chris Harrison follow up last week’s black-on-black-on-black Goodfellas combo by going back-to-school retro? And can Olivia open her mouth into a normal human sized opening, or does she have the gaping maw of a whale shark? (spoiler alert – alewhay arkshay…) Let’s find out! First off:

Hey, Ben. Umm, this is a little uncomfortable, but…we had some complaints about no shirtless shots in the first episode, so…man, this is a weird thing to ask…ok, so, we’re going to have to film your junk. You know, to make up for last week. Umm, soooo…do you want a sock or something? No? Okay, let’s do it…

While Ben sips his coffee, pensively reflecting on his lost soul, Lace tells us that she got a little drunk last night, and maybe a tiny, wee bit emotional as well. You think? But she lets us know she’s not actually the crazy girl, and her ultimate goal is make out with Ben today. Hey, dreams are free…

Group Date – Let’s Learn How to Love

The line up: Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace. The location: Bachelor High. Ben’s best times were in high school (except for that time he got dumped at the movie theater) so we’ll relive the glory days through a series of fun and exciting tests.

Which leads to this exchange:

Lovely Better Half: All of these girls could be your daughter.

Me: Ben could be your son.

LBH: Maybe if I got pregnant in high school.

Me: Well, this would be the perfect date for it.

JoJo s fired up for her date with Ben:

I’ve never been this turned on in high school before. I mean, I hooked up with guys, but it was mostly just to be popular and piss off my dad…

And Chris Harrison is embracing his part:

I’m not exactly happy about the costumes, but at least we’re not in Dublin…

Chemistry – everyone pairs off into teams and tries to be the first to make Ben’s volcano explode. Not my joke; that one’s straight from the writing staff. Lace and Jubilee form an unlikely team, which should unstoppable, because as Jubilee explains, she’s the powerful force and Lace is the brains. So, we’ll remove “excellent judge of character” from Jubilee’s resume. Predictably, they are the last to finish and the first to go.

Biology? Botany? 4H? I don’t know, whichever class had to do with passing apples around without using your hands. Jackie has a lot of problems, I guess because Old People Studies didn’t cover bobbing for apples. Hard to do with the dentures and all.

I guess Jackie isn’t that great with her mouth. Not like me. I can tie a knot with a cherry stem, peel a banana, crack a walnut, skin a kiwi – if it can fit in mouth, I can open it!

Geography – They have to place Indiana on a map, presumably so we can see the current state of public education in America. Most of the girls get pretty close, except for JoJo and Becca, who place it sideways and near Pennsylvania. Out.

Gym Class – Mandi and Amber win the free throw shooting contest, and have a 50 yard dash to determine the ultimate winner between the two.

Just to be clear, Amber: you got beat by a dentist wearing rolled-up hippy pants and running barefoot. Are you even trying at this point?

The romantic prize for the winner? A helicopter lands on the field and whisks Mandi and Ben away to the hills above LA, where they drink champagne by the Hollywood sign while being serenaded by a string quartet. No, wait, that’s not it; they do one lap around a dirt high school track in a convertible, and then everyone gets in a shuttle and goes back to the hotel. Sweet.

It’s nighttime and the girls are super-excited for some alone time with Ben.

I really like Ben. I think I could have a real relationship with him. I could imagine myself talking on the phone with him. Maybe Skyping once in a while. I think it would be wonderful to spend my life with Ben. In separate cities.

Ben and Becca hang out and shoot baskets. They maul. Becca feels weird and moves back to San Diego. Just kidding.

Ben and Jennifer – a little talk and a little hand-holding, and then Ben makes his move, and he doesn’t wait long to make it. He likes this one.

Ben: You kiss way better than Becca.

Jennifer: Thanks! I’m gonna go tell Lace, see if I can make her head explode!

Which she does, because Lace puts her crazy pants on and decides to steal Ben away from Mandi, and then stares at him like lion stalking a wounded gazelle.

Kiss me. Kiss me now. NOW! Do it! I swear to god, I’m NOT crazy, but I just want to put you in a box and keep you under my bed…

Ben and Jubilee – Jubilee was in an orphanage and adopted when she was 6. Ben thanks her for sharing her story by sharing his tongue.

Lace Part II – “I’m not crazy, but can I have one more minute?”

Ben and JoJo – the big winner tonight is the real estate developer from Dallas. Ben takes her to the roof, JoJo says she’s never been that high in her life, and I believe that about as much as I believe that Indiana is in Pennsylvania. Rooftop maul, and Group Date Rose (TM) goes to JoJo.

That’s a cool place to make-out

Caila One-on-One – Join Me For a Day of Surprises

First off, when the card comes, Olivia makes this face (shown side-by-side with her spirit animal):

LBH: She should’ve been on the last date. She could fit two apples in that mouth.

Just to remind everyone, Olivia is a news anchor. She’s on TV for a living. How can she not know what her expressions look like? Anyway, Caila says she loves surprises, which might be the deepest thing she’s ever said in her life. And a surprise it is! Ice Cube and Kevin Hart walk in, and Caila immediately dumps Ben because they’re more famous. And it’s not just Caila who’s excited:

O!M!G! It’s Vanilla Ice and Chris Tucker!!

Chris Harrison does some introductions:

So, it’s 1988, and NWA calls me up to help out with their first album, and Easy E, Ice Cube and Ren weren’t completely happy with the first track. So I say “Cube, instead of RIGHT outta Compton, why don’t you try STRAIGHT outta Compton. And that, ladies, was how I cracked off the proverbial gat-blast heard ’round the world…

So Caila and Ben do a ride along with the boys, and I was praying that Cube’s car had hydraulics, but no joy. They buy flowers, hit the liquor store, and then a stop at a romantic spa:

Not exactly the Four Seasons, is it…

Off to dinner. Ben and Caila sit down with the two largest glasses of wine I’ve ever seen, and talk about past relationships and why they’re single.

Ben: It sounds weird, and maybe I was never with the right girl, but people have always flaked on me, and I think my biggest fear is that the girl I choose will walk away.

Caila: That’s so funny! Because, that’s exactly what I did to my last boyfriend when I saw you on TV! We were almost engaged, too. Thank god I saw you on The Bachelor, or I never would have left that non-tv loser to chase after you.

Ben: Umm, do you watch a lot of television?

Caila: A little. Why?

Rose for Caila, then off to a private concert (box checked!) by one of Ben’s “favorite artists”, Amos Lee. I think.

Ben: Oh, man! I love this song! It’s like my favorite song of all time! “If I leeeeaave here tomooorroooow.” Wait, what? This isn’t Freebird? Sorry, I don’t know this one…

They dance and maul to a solo by Amy Slee, and that’s a rap.

Group Date 2 – Are We a Perfect Match?

The Cast: Emily, Shushanna, Samantha, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda. The Location: A love laboratory, where scientists will perform a series of tests to determine chemical compatibility.

News from the world of science today. Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin determined that men are more attracted to women who are in the most fertile point in their cycle. Stay classy, Bachelor Nation…

The first step is using a retinal tracker to see which girls look at Sean Lowe, and which look at Ben.

I can’t tell if that’s a picture of Ben or the life sized Juan Pablo target that Chris Harrison uses at the gun range.

Nothing much here, except that Olivia and Ben melt the thermal imaging machine and Samantha smells like chinese food. Coincidentally, Olivia finishes first with a score 7.45 (what does that mean? The number of tennis balls she can fit in her mouth?) and Samantha finishes last with a 2.42, which basically means that kissing her would be like Ben making out with is mom. And unless your name is Norman Bates, that’s going to be a problem.

On the political front, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are neck and neck in Iowa. Stay classy, Bachelor Nation…

Nighttime – Ben immediately takes Olivia back to his room for a Special Investigation. He has many leather bound books and smells of rich mahogany, so she can hardly resist.

Other highlights: Shushanna came to the US with $400, a pair of jeans and 2 bottles of vodka? I like your style, sister. Amanda tells Ben about her kids, and Ben realizes that if he chooses her, he’ll be part of a family. Of four. At the age of 26. Then he mauls her a little bit and says “tell the kids ‘hi’.” Group Date rose (TM) to Olivia, and Amanda cries.

Cocktail Party

Wait, Becca is still here? I thought she went home. Olivia steals Ben away to make out in the driveway. She comes back and announces that she’s done, so the rest of the girls can “have at it”, which is insanely bitchy. It’s week 2 and she’s already turned into the female Nick.

And finally tonight, a local man had an unexpected surprise when 2 king penguins that escaped from the zoo found their way into his refrigerator. Awwww! Aren’t those little guys so cute? Well, That does it for us, and as always, go fuck yourself, Bachelor Nation. HEY!! WHO CHANGED MY TELEPROMPTER!!

Lace corners Ben against the balcony to convince him that she’s not crazy.

Lace: I wanted to apologize for coming off a little crazy last night.

Ben: Yeah, that kind of threw me off.

Lace: I want you to know that I’m not crazy. Some people say that I am, but they’re the ones that are crazy. Maybe you’re crazy! HAHAHAHA!

Ben: Uh-huh.

Lace: I just want you to know, that I have…reasons…for the way I am, Ben. I’m a bold personality. And I have sides of me that I don’t want you to see yet.

Ben: Okay…

Lace: I’m a LOT to handle, Ben.

Ben: Oh, I bet.

Lace: Rosanna, Rosanna Danna.

Ben: [furiously texting Lauren B the flight attendant to come save him]

Lace: I have parts of me that I’m working on, Ben. You need to know this. Ben. I’m talking to you. I need you to look me in the eye so I know you understand me, Ben!

Ben: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Can we not stand so close to the railing? Oh! Hey Lauren! I’m so sorry Lace. Itwasgreattalkingtoyouwe’lldoitagainbye.

Ben gives Lauren B a picture. I’m pretty sure it was a picture of the map to the Bachelor Mansion Safe Room in case Lace goes nuts and starts swinging an axe around. The safe word to get into the room is “Apples”, so, you know, Jackie will probably die pounding on the door.

Ben does arts and crafts with Amanda, and they make berets for her daughters. Which is great, because Amanda loves arts and crafts with her daughters. In fact, the three of them made Amada’s dress with a glue gun and 3 buckets of sparkles.

When Amber stares into the camera with that defeated look in her eyes and says “I don’t want to go home. Ben is just such a great guy”, it’s almost too sad to hear. Do you get the vibe that she’s had zero luck in the guy department? Yes, Amber, Ben is better than the overgrown frat boys that slur lewd pick-up lines while simultaneously ordering their 11th vodka tonic. And yes, Amber, Ben is better than the fame-starved horndogs that sign up for Bachelor in Paradise. But there are LOTS of great guys out there. Maybe if you tried dating outside the confines of your bar and the Bachelor franchise, you might meet one. Have you tried Events and Adventures?

Rose Ceremony

Should I stay?

JoJo, Olivia, and Caila are already holding

Amanda – sweet girl, but I don’t see it happening

Jubilee – Did she threaten to kill lace when the volcano didn’t blow up? Did I hear that right?

Lauren B – Ben likes her. She flies for free. There’s probably a hometown date in there.

Leah – who?

Becca – who accepts her rose over the phone

Rachel – Seriously no clue. Can’t wait to cut the cast down a little more.

Lace – Who was worried about going home tonight. Don’t worry, Lace; keep up the crazy and the Producers will keep you around at least 3 more weeks.

LB – “Can we talk? Yeah, not feeling it, I’m gonna go.” And now, once again, Ben is that broken-hearted teenage boy, standing alone outside the 10pm screening of  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:

Should I have taken her to see Wedding Crashers instead? She said she LOVED Harry Potter when she was a kid…

Jennifer – there’s chemistry here. Predicting another hometown.

Emily – LBH: I like Emily better than Haley. Me: How can you tell?

Jami – zero airtime.

Lauren Z (W? K? Q? There’s still too many Laurens) – the teacher with the talented mouth.

Shushanna – Q: Are you ready for your trip? A: Da. I pack jeans and vodka.

Haley – the twin LBH hates

Amber – who avoids reality for another week.

 

Or should I go?

Samantha – if a guy thinks you smell sour, it ain’t happenin’

Jackie – if you can’t pick up an apple with your mouth, it ain’t happenin’

Mandi – it just ain’t happenin’

And that’s all folks. I am deeply sorry this post was so late; the offspring have been wreaking havoc on my schedule. I promise I’ll be more on the ball next week. Enjoy…

 

And now, Kevin Hart hates tall girls with bumpy backs and chapped lips…

 

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Bachelor Live

All I got on this is a) I’m glad Kris Jenner rescheduled her botox treatment so she didn’t have to cancel this time, and b) I am absolutely NOT, under any circumstances, blogging Tanner and Jade’s wedding.