Welcome to beautiful Jamaica! You want previews? We got your previews right here. Lauren, Caila and JoJo all say “I love you!”, and Ben says “I love you back!” to 2 out of 3 of them. And then he makes this face:

He looks like a guy that hooked up with two chicks, got both of their phone numbers, but can’t remember which girl is which…

But more on that later. I’ve never heard of Rio Chico, but this place is obscene. If you can’t get laid here, you can’t get laid. Good place for Fantasy Week, then. And I don’t know why this hasn’t occurred to me before, but Ben’s laugh is a little goofy, no? And Farmer Chris sounded like a porpoise. Is a weird laugh a prerequisite for being The Bachelor? Another random bit of housekeeping before we get into the dates: how the hell did I miss this last week?

Honey, I told you to use a glass when we have company…

Mama JoJo turning the bottle upside down while the brothers berate Ben. Even their mom is sick and tired of hearing their shit. I can’t believe I didn’t catch that. Anyway, Ben catches us up on the 3 remaining ladies:

Caila – “She’s beautiful and amazing, but I get the feeling she trades old boyfriends for new boyfriends with the changing of the seasons.”

Lauren – “She was my favorite of the 14 Laurens on the show, and she makes me feel like a schoolboy chasing after a crush. And the last time that happened, I ended up outside a movie theater in Warsaw, etc, etc…” [is that joke getting old yet? ‘Cos I can’t get enough of it]

JoJo – “Pros: She’s fun, comfortable, and beautiful, and she gives the best awkward high 5’s…”

“…which is fun and all, if not Romeo-and-Juliet-level romantic. Cons: Jojo’s brothers are complete cocks, and they’re going to beat the crap out of me if she sheds one single tear, so that’s something that might hold back our relationship.”

Caila’s Date – Rafting With the Sex Panther

Ben tells us that his relationship with Caila is the deepest one on the show. Really? Because pretty much all she does is tell you that she’s incapable of loving anyone. How that constitutes a deep, personal connection, I’ll never know, but whatever works for you. Ben and Caila raft down a river with Old Man Rasta, and the conversation is pretty much non-existent.

Coincidentally, Raft Guy is also responsible for supplying Chris Harrison with his weed for the week…

Caila is acting weird because she’s bothered by the fact that there’s still two other girls around, but she doesn’t want to ruin the mood by bringing it up. Well, not bringing it up isn’t exactly helping the mood, so you might as well air it out. Which she does during the…

Nighttime Portion – When did Ben turn into the Great Communicator? Is it because he’s sober tonight? Or does his focus go into overdrive when an overnight date is on the line? Whatever the reason, he is shockingly adept at getting Caila to open up. Which she does, by babbling a lot and then finishing with “I love you!” Ben says, “Great! Hey, check out this card from Chris Harrison!” They forego their individual rooms, etc, and Fantasy Suite #1 is a go!

You have to appreciate The Producers subtle use of foreshadowing here…

You also have to appreciate the Technical Department’s extraordinary improvement in ass-box technology:

It was so well done, I didn’t catch it. Lovely Better Half made me rewind the show. Just as a reminder, here’s where we were just 2 short seasons ago:

That’s a generational shift in technology right there. Then again, maybe The Producers just like Caila more than Jillian, and were purposely exaggerating the need for Jillian’s ass-box from the beginning, but I don’t think they would ever do something like that. Or script anything. Or ply people with alcohol and incite conflict. Nope, never. Off to the room, you crazy kids.

Morning – Caila: “I know Ben can’t tell me he loves me, but it’s something I felt. Deep inside. Repeatedly. I’m glad I got him first before he was worn out.” And then Ben says, “Thanks!” and leaves for his date with…

Lauren B – Playing With Turtles

Me: Did he go straight from Caila’s room to the dock to meet Lauren? Did he even get a shower in?

Lovely Better Half: Why is Lauren walking so funny? She looks like she already got screwed. I thought it was Caila at first.

Off to Gibraltar Beach and AWWWWW BABY SEA TURTLES!! Ben and Lauren play with turtles and clean turtles and help turtles get into the ocean, and LBH is squealing the entire time. They have some relationship talk and Ben says, “You’re too good for me” and I roll my eyes. “You’re amazing”, “I’m lucky to have you”, “we’re so great together” – all legit things you can say. But if you keep repeating that someone is too good for you, eventually that someone is going to believe it. They run into the water to maul, and LBH is right, Lauren is walking funny. She had a week off after hometown dates. Did she hook up with an ex-boyfriend? You know, thinking “I know Ben’s going to sleep with two other women this week, so I’m gonna get mine too, just to make it even.” I’ve never noticed an awkward gait before. Just saying.

Nighttime – Ben and Lauren watch a reggae band, have dinner, ignore their food and talk and maul. Lauren says the week between hometowns and Fantasy Suite Bonanza was the hardest, partly because she missed Ben, but mostly because she was getting drilled by her ex and felt really guilty the whole time. Ok, maybe only kinda guilty – by the way, how was your date with Caila last night? But, Ben is the man of her dreams, and when the Fantasy Suite Card comes, Lauren can’t say yes fast enough, and she is “very excited”.

Not as excited as I am! I haven’t gotten laid twice in one weekend since college…

Lauren B gets the double-pimp suite, complete with the awesome private pool.

That’s a good sign for Lauren; the eventual winners always seem to get that best Fantasy Suites with the sickest pools. If I was on this show and I made it to the Final 3, and I walked in to my room to see a shower/bathtub combo, I’d skip the date and go straight to the bar. No reason to even talk to the girl at that point. But Ben and Lauren talk! Lauren: “I love you!” Ben: “I’ve known for a while that I’m in love with you, too.”

But I’m still gonna bang JoJo…

Wow, talk about a season with no rules. Chris Harrison is scrambling a hit squad right now to stop Ben from talking any more. By the way, Ben sounds a little slurry to me. I’m not saying he’s drunk, but maybe feeling a little footloose and decided let an L-word or two slip out. The lights go out, happy hunting, you two.

Morning –

Ben: Honey! I made breakfast!

Lauren: I feel like I’m in a dream. Waking up next to him, I feel warm and fuzzy inside.

---

LBH: I don’t remember feeling that way with you the first time.

Me: Umm, thanks? When was our first time anyway?

LBH: I think it was Tuesday…

Me: That’s right, it was a school night, and I had to be at work at 5am the next morning. You weren’t even awake when I left.

LBH: No wonder…

---

Ben: I do love you Lauren. And I’m not even drunk right now. Just hung over.

Lauren: Ben is my person. I feel like I’m waking up with my boyfriend.

Cool your brakes, sister, because ‘your boyfriend’ is leaving to go tag JoJo. Like, RIGHT, NOW.

JoJo Date – Ben ‘Falls’ Into a Quandary

And we’re 3 for 3 on jean shorts. If I’m honest, Caila wore them best. Ben and Jojo take a helicopter to some waterfalls in Negril; they maul.

Maybe one of the top 5 most beautiful places I’ve seen on this show..

By comparison, LBH and I were in Hawaii last week (that’s right; I wrote last week’s post while I was on vacation. How’s that for dedication?). We drove 3 hours from the west end of Maui to Hana, hiked to the Seven Sacred Pools with 2 little kids, and it was dried up and infested with tourists. We hung around for 20 minutes, got in the car and drove back. NO helicopters. NO waterfalls. NO mauling. Once again: there’s TV and there’s reality, and if any of these people want to know what “real life together” is going to be like after the show, they should follow LBH and I around with a camera crew for a week; we’ll give them a glimpse. Anyways, back to our absurdly lucky couple:

Jojo: Blah nervous blah blah scared to open up blah guarded blah blah I LOVE YOU!

Ben: I love you, too.

JoJO: Are you allowed to say that?

Ben: No I’m not….

And now it is abundantly clear that Ben falls in love with every single girl he meets. And the brothers JOJO are going to break this guy into many pieces. Ben knows he’s painted himself into a corner, and you can hear the stress in his voice. “The last thing I want to do is hurt either of these women.” Lovely Better Half: “You already did.”

Nighttime – JoJo shows up and says “Hi babe!” and there is absolutely NO doubt she is convinced that she is the winner. JoJo truly believes she’s having dinner with her future husband right now.

JojO: When you said you loved me, you made me happier than you will ever know.

Ben: Ummm, yeah, well…it doesn’t scare me to say things like that to you…

Rule #1 of When someone is Lying: they fidget with their hair a lot.

In all fairness, Ben isn’t scared to tell jojo he loves her; he’s scared about what the Brothers of Death will do when they find out about it. Speaking of which, Ben complains about the Dickhead Twins, and JojOj convinces Ben that her family will accept him over time. And it hits me that this is how Ben gets out of this whole I’m-in-love-with-two-girls mess. He throws JoJo’s family under the bus, and says he can’t have a relationship without their approval, effectively shifting the blame solely onto the brothers. LBH thinks I’m way off base, but I’m sticking to my guns. And can you really blame him if he does handle it that way? I said it last week – I wouldn’t want to spend the holidays with those two assholes. Of course, I probably wouldn’t sleep with their sister, either. Speaking of which, the Fantasy Suite card shows up and it’s obviously on. Congratulations, Ben, your hat trick is complete.

I don’t know…it’s better than Caila’s pool, but nowhere near as nice as Lauren’s…

Morning arrives, and Ben and JoJo are still awfully lovey-dovey. They have a little breakfast, flirt, and then Ben has to go.

Have a good day at school, Ben…

What’s up with the backpack? Anyway, Ben has to leave because he has to figure out a way to say goodbye to Caila, which is always hard to do to someone two days after you had sex with them. And while Ben wrestles to find a gentle way to do it, Caila decides to pay Ben a surprise visit. Like that wasn’t completely set-up by the production staff. It’s borderline The Truman Show at this point. “Hey Caila. Are you really in love with Ben? Yeah? What would you tell him if he was here right now? Really? Well, do you want to tell him for real? Sure, you can go see him! Just follow Intern #6 while I radio ahead to the camera crew…”

So, Ben dumps Caila, and to her credit, Caila handles it like a complete champ. She holds it together, she’s dignified, and she doesn’t freak out and scream a bunch of “why” questions. She gets back out of the car once, to ask Ben when he knew – basically “did you just bang me for sport this week?”, which I think is a fair question. It’s ok not to win, she just doesn’t want to be disrespected. But a championship performance by Caila, all around. But she does melt down in the car:

Aww, that’s sad, Caila…but you know something? This thing that you’re feeling, right here and right now? This is exactly what your long-term boyfriend felt when YOU DUMPED HIM COMPLETELY OUT-OF-NOWHERE FOR A GUY YOU SAW ON TV.

And I know I sound like a dick for saying it, but I’ll bet anyone $1000 this is the first time in Caila’s life that a guy has broken up with her, and she needed this.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison shows up at the 1:50 mark, feeling VERY loose after his week with Old Man Rasta.

Heeeyyy. What’s up? [goofy grin] How was your date this week? Really? [head nod, wink] That’s awesome. You got any Wheat Thins?

He’s definitely still high. Ben is feeling super-confident:

Obviously, Caila is not here. It was hard to send her home, but I’m confident in this process. I’m confident in each of our relationships. And I’m confident that I want to move to Utah and become a polygamist. What do you guys think?

Roses for JoJo and Lauren. LBH thinks that whoever Ben picked first goes home first, and, sorry JoJo, I tend to agree with her. And we are both 100% convinced that JoJO is the next Bachelorette. Anyway, Ben, Lauren and JoJo laugh and toast and joke and have fun, and the whole time JOJo is throwing dirty, sidelong looks at Lauren. Don’t mess with a Texas girl. And Ben is looking forward to making his final choice.

Umm, yeah…this is, ummm….great…What? No, I’m not fidgety…

Next week: The Women Tell All, aka Everyone Shouts Over Each Other For 40 Minutes, followed by 1-on-1 interviews with The Bachelorette finalists. And in two weeks, “the live TV event of the year!” Really? The Superbowl? The Oscars? The NBA Finals? Presidential Election? I mean, I love The Bachelor and all, but there’s a shit-ton of really big live TV events out there. See ya then….

 

And now, Ben gets crabs…