Last week – Raven was hoping for fireworks, but did Nick show her the Fourth of July or was it just another disappointing Groundhog Day? As the sun rises in Lapland, we get our scouting report from Raven: “Nick is really good at what he does.” Cue the high-on-life montage, complete with dancing, petting dogs, high-fiving complete strangers, and kissing a reindeer.

I’m so happy right now, I could just pee myself! Out of the two guys I’ve had sex with, Nick was definitely the best!

So now Nick has to pick Raven, right? Because compared to the cheating ex-boyfriend that couldn’t ring her bell, Nick is a sexual powerhouse, and that is exactly the kind of adoration this insecure kid needs from his partner. Just saying – most guys like to hear they’re good in bed, but some guys need to hear it.

Rachel – Ski For Love

Nick: How are you?

Rachel: I’m good! How are you?

Nick: Great! I just gave Raven her first orgasm ever, so like, I feel like I can conquer the world right now! Are you ready for some cross country skiing?!

Rachel: Umm, I guess….

Nick: YEAH BABY! LET’S DO THIS! WHOOOO!

So, they go cross country skiing and hang out with some reindeer. Then they make out in a hut. Rachel talks about her fears and being skeptical of this whole process (if I had a nickel). Nick mumbles and slurs. Then they go for a Sleigh Ride Maul. Finland sure looks fun. Yawn…

It’s nighttime, and our Bachelor is wearing a normal sweater this week; nary a Turtlenick in sight. Nick says he can’t do anything in a relationship unless he knows where he stands. He’s basically saying to Rachel “tell me you love me or you’re gone”, which is totally fucked up because he has to know by now that she’s not the one. He’s practically dragging it out of her, and when she finally says “I love you”, he has this victorious smile on his face, and the whole thing feels really manipulative and creepy. Maybe I’m seeing it wrong because I already know she’s the Bachelorette? Who knows. Shall we adjourn to the Fantasy Suite? Yes we shall! And Rachel hopes that “they’ll go much deeper than before”. Next morning:

Rachel: I had such a wonderful night.

Nick: Thanks! I have to go bang Vanessa now. See ya at the Rose Ceremony…

Vanessa – Hot Tub of Values

Alright, here’s a helpful word of advice: if anyone ever says to you “Hey! Let’s jump into a tub of frozen ice!”, you say “Hey! Why don’t you fuck off!” Have I mentioned that I like tropical climates? Seriously, homo erectus was using fire 200,000 years ago, and we’ve been keeping ourselves warm ever since, so I don’t see any real reason to turn back the clock in the heat department. Nevertheless, Nick and Vanessa plunge themselves into an ice bath, run to the sauna, and repeat ad freezium.

Finland looks fun, y’all…

Nick makes the inevitable “diving into an ice bath is like confronting obstacles in life together” analogy, and surprisingly, I think it’s the first time it’s been used this season. I guess “a haunted house is just like dealing with our fear of connecting” or “this bouncy castle is the just like creating a home together” doesn’t work quite as well. They eventually end up in a real hot tub, and the conversation is a little rocky, to be honest. Nick isn’t into the whole overbearing family thing, and there is zero chance that Vanessa is giving up the ’32 person, family + high school friends + all my neighbors’ dinner every single Sunday, sooo…. you want to do another ice bath?

Nighttime:

Vanessa: Montreal winters are brutal.

Nick: So are Chicago’s.

Vanessa: Well, it makes you appreciate summer more!

Nick: Or…wait for it!…we move to LA and go on Dancing With The Stars!

Vanessa: And what? Fly back to Montreal every week for Sunday dinner?

I don’t know about you, but Montreal sounds like a deal-breaker to me. It also sounds like Nick and Vanessa are pretty head-strong, and that might cause some friction. Regardless, Vanessa says, “I love you!” Et tu, Nick?

“We’re so similar it’s scary, but if we can accept our differences, it’ll be great.”

What? He just contradicted himself in literally the same sentence. Off to the Fantasy Suite, where the lights turn off and Nick turns on. Next morning, Vanessa is sprung:

Vanessa: You’re my other half. I love you.

Nick: Out of all 3 girls, you were the best in bed, even though I did make Raven’s head spin like the Exorcist. Did I mention that, by the way? I was amazing that night! Anyways, see ya at the Rose Ceremony.

Vanessa: Umm, ok…

 Rose Ceremony

I just got a text from Jorge. He was drinking a margarita. He spends his days on the beach and his nights in the bars, living La Vida Loca. I miss him, Nick; and I hate it here. I haven’t been this miserable since Kaitlyn’s season in Dublin, and I want to impale myself on the nearest set of  reindeer antlers. [sigh] Anyway, how did the Fantasy Suites go?

Chris Harrison does not dig cold weather. Line ’em up so we can get out of here. Vanessa says her relationship with Nick is the best she’s ever had, and Lovely Better Half blurts out, “Oh god, I’m SO sorry.” Nick walks in and cries a lot, and we’re off.

I’ll take three girls that I slept with this weekend for $1000, Alex…

See ya in the Finale:

Raven: who’s gone next-level goth with this outfit. She’s like the Queen of the Night

Vanessa: My early season pick for winner, and I’m sticking with her, even though she looks increasingly nervous.

Which means we bid adieu to Rachel. She says she just wants to find that unconditional love that every girl dreams of, and I have this sneaking suspicion that she will in 4-6 months. She’s a cool girl and I’m looking forward to her season.

Up next! The Bachelor: Women Tell All starts….right now!

 

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– Corinne gets a mighty round of applause. Plus Chris Harrison says Platinum Vagine on television, which is the best thing I’ve heard so far this year.

– Viewing parties! This woman

This guy:

This Backstreet Boy:

And these sorority girls

Just like to point out that at 36 years old, Nick is twice as old as a lot of the girls in that room.

– Return of the shark suit. Alexis finally comes clean: “It has gills. It’s a shark.”

– “Emotional Intelligence”.

– Corinne: “We’re fighting for a fiancé, not a pickle.” I don’t remember hearing this line. How did that scene get cut?

– The ladies seem unreasonably critical of naps.

– someone that get sent home in Week 1 (Elizabeth?) and took a psychology class in college this one time decides to criticize Taylor’s professional integrity. Taylor responds with “Johns Hopkins”.

Bitch, I got a master’s degree…I’m so emotionally intelligent, I’m next level…

– Liz the Doula in the hot seat? Who cares? Nice empowerment speech though, sister. And apparently she builds wells in orphanages all over the world, so maybe this show didn’t paint her in the best light. I know, shocker.

– Who told Josephine that this was a good look?

– Taylor in the hot seat. Emotional intelligence. Johns Hopkins. She reall wants you to know how smart she is. And the other girls HATE her.

– Oh, and Taylor: Corinne understands the impact of her words just fine. She just doesn’t give a shit.

– Did Taylor just ask for an apology? Good luck with that. I said it before, I’ll say it again: girls like Taylor are exactly why I stopped dating therapists. She spends so much time analyzing everyone else, that she has no clue how she herself comes across to other people. What an asshole.

– Corinne was the most controversial woman of all time? That’s a pretty big stretch, even for you, Chris.

– “Everybody naps. Just like everybody poops. There’s a book about it, guys.”

– I like Corinne a LOT more after this show.

– Corinne and Taylor are actually arguing about napping. Every season I watch the Tell All episode, and every season I can’t believe I watch it. Let alone write about it.

– Chris Harrison finally explains to Taylor how to resolve her conflict with Corinne. Masters degree, you say?

– Free cheese pasta!

– Everyone loves Kristina. Hearing her story again, I love Kristina. I want every day of her life to be better than the day before.

– Hi Nick!

– After a number of ladies complain about how they got sent home, Nick says, “Hey, I went all the way to the final episode and came in second! TWICE! Cry me a river! I mean, sorry if I hurt your feelings…” Touché.

– Bloopers! Falling trees, the Rose Ceremony is THAT way, Rachel gets heckled in New Orleans, bugs, someone farted, and Corinne can put a LOT of cheese in her mouth.

– Let’s welcome Rachel! Now, everybody talk at once!

– Next week – Nick walks through the snow, jump hugs, puppies, Nick’s mom looks terrified, fireside chats, and tears, tears, tears. See ya then, my friends…