Andi’s journey of love lands in the Dominican Republic, or, as Andi likes to call it, “The Dominican”. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure no one calls it that. A couple fun facts: An estimated 8% of the cocaine smuggled into the United States goes through the DR from Colombia and the country’s favorite sport is baseball. Josh is SUPER PUMPED!!

We get some flyovers and then we join Andi at the Paradisus Punta Cana for some fond recollections of how the three remaining guys got here. She has a lot of fun with Josh the Athlete and he’ll make a great father. Farmer Chris is lighthearted and funny, and he’d be an amazing father, too. She has a mental connection with Nick, she’s never felt that kind of passion, and she can imagine spending the rest of her life with him. So much for keeping up the suspense, then…

(Bachelor in Paradise commercial! CrayCray Cody likes to kiss the guns, homie!)

Right out of the gate, we see Nick. Maybe Andi wants to get him to the fantasy suite first, and make sure those size 10.5 shoes aren’t going to be a long-term problem before she rejects the other guys, if you catch my drift. Andi welcomes Nick to “The Dominican” at a helicopter pad, and they fly out to a private island off the coast and frolic in the water, make out, etc. The big surprise: Nick is jacked. I always thought he was kind of the scrawny guy in the group, but he’s in good shape. He’s also absurdly tan for a guy from Chicago. Andi describes their relationship as an adult romance. Sounds awfully “grown-sexy” to me! They pry their faces apart long enough to talk about a bad break-up from Nick’s past, and he brings up something from his early 20’s. In my early 20’s, I had a bad breakup every weekend; I’m pretty sure anything that happens before you’re 26 doesn’t warrant discussion. They go snorkeling and then they make out in the water, far away from the cameras, and talk about what she wants him to say during the proposal.

Later that night, they have dinner on the beach and Nick tells her that he wrote an illustrated fairy tale because he had some extra time this past week.

Hey, I’m no artist, so hat’s off to him if he drew that himself. But if that fat guy in the blue shirt is supposed to be Chris Harrison, there’s a beat-down coming in Nick’s immediate future. Don’t poke the bear, son. The book is Nick’s best move yet in a perfectly played season, and an invitation to the fantasy suite is a forgone conclusion at this point. Nick says he’s excited about the possibility of talking her ear off all night. Just replace “ear off” with “brains out” and “talking” with a much more R-rated word, and you’re getting close to what he really means. Andi seems to agree:

“I’m gonna get my ears talked off tonight, y’all!”

He tells her he loves her, then they make out under a tree and think about all the talking they’re going to do. After all, the most interesting conversations always start with a hand on someone’s ass:

Andi says she’s never felt this way before and they go to the fantasy suite to talk like bunnies all night long.

On to Santo Domingo for Josh’s date, where he picks her up with one of his super-aggressive bear hugs. Josh says he started hitting walls while she was gone (?), and he just wants to take her and bring her back to Atlanta. Andi says their relationship is great, but also nerve-wracking, because he acts a little possessive sometimes, and she’s afraid he’s going to kidnap her and put her in his basement and make her put the lotion in the basket. They go on the stereotypical exploring date: they talk to food vendors, look at old buildings and drink an ancient voodoo aphrodisiac (if it doesn’t wear off after 4 hours, consult a doctor). They dance in a square and then Andi takes Josh to…a baseball field! They spend 3 minutes adding “great with kids” to his Bachelor resume and then sit down to talk. Josh says he loves her, and he really means it, as opposed to every other time in his life, when he just said it to get laid.

Dinner at Casa de Campo. They talk about what kinds of parents they’ll both be, which I find hilarious. My Lovely Better Half and I had this conversation once. I know now that it’s like trying to predict how you’ll react when you get hit by a bus. You have no idea what it’s actually going to feel like, and when it does happen, you’re not exactly the one in control. But, by all means, have fun raising your pretend children. Josh says he wants a lot of kids. If I was Andi, I’d ask what he means by “a lot”. Are we talking about 2 or 3, or are we talking Nick’s family? He tells Andi he loves her again, and she gives us one of these:

I don’t know – that looks like it’s verging on the Getting-Dumped face, but I guess we’ll see. The fantasy suite card comes out, and Andi invites him in. Here’s where I’d be pissed if I were Nick. Not because she brought Josh to fantasy suite; that’s par for the course. I’d be pissed because they got fireworks and a crazy-insane villa with a private courtyard and a pool. This place is a palace compared to where Nick had to stay last night. Ok, maybe this would bother me, too:

Ouch. Josh gives one final monologue, telling America why he’ll be an amazing Bachelor once Andi picks Nick, then more shots of them making out in the pool.

Welcome to Rancho Peligro, where we see lots of cows and fields and horses. The producers flew Farmer Chris all the way to “The Dominican” to visit a farm, which seems a little bit like taking a Japanese foreign exchange student out for sushi. Don’t you think Chris is a little disappointed by this? “Just because I live on a farm doesn’t mean I want to see another farm everywhere I go. I like the beach as much as the next guy.” Anyway, they’re going horseback riding and Andi is nervous about riding an 1100 pound animal. I’m with you, sister; horseback riding is completely unnatural. If it’s bigger than me and it doesn’t have brakes or an off switch, I’m not getting on top of it. They sit down by a tree to talk. Andi says she loved Chris’s family. Chris says he loved it when she “hopped in his lap and went to town.” Uh-huh. Then he tells her that they play Ghost in the Graveyard every night.

Andi: “Sounds like you guys are starved for shit to do out there.”

Chris: “Yeah. Some people get so bored they fall asleep while they’re hiding.”

Andi: “That’s a fun tradition…that I’ll never be a part of.”

Since they can’t find anything else in common, they play fantasmas en el cementerio – we are in “The Dominican” – and Andi finds Chris hiding about 3 feet away from the horses. They make out a little, and then Chris carries her around a field in a feat of strength.

(Let’s welcome Marcus to Bachelor in Paradise!

And congratulations to Olivia Bromery, who has been named President of the Official Marcus Fan Club! You do realize that ‘fan’ is a derivative of ‘fanatic’, right? Calm yourself, Olivia; he wasn’t that hot. Also, CrazyEyesClaire from Sacramento!

Let’s see: hot? Check. Got dumped near the end of your respective seasons? Check. Insecure and needy? Triple check. These two are a match made in heaven. Nice rebound, you crazy kids; hope it works out for you.)

We catch up with Andi and Chris later that night. They talk about where they’re at, and Andi says “great” a lot, but she’s feeling around for a way to cut him loose and he senses it. Chris doesn’t go overboard trying to sell himself; he basically says two people who are meant to be together can make anything work. And then here it comes. Cody has seen it. Marcus has seen it. Josh saw a fraction of it earlier. And now Chris gets to see it:

Stop talking, my friend; her mind is made up. I will give her credit, though. She could have blamed the whole thing on Iowa and taken the easy way out, but she was honest and told him the connection wasn’t there. It’s a hard thing to tell someone, and I respect her for doing it. Then, she tells him that it’s not fair to make him wait for the next rose ceremony. Chris says, “Um, I’d actually like to hang around ‘The Dominican’ for a few more days. Maybe see the beach before I leave, or go on one of those boat trips I always see on the show. I just told you I play ghost in the graveyard every damn night. I’d like to do something besides hang out on a FARM before you send me back home!”

It has to be said that Chris handles it like a man. He does everything to make her feel better about the decision: “You have to trust your feelings”, “You did the right thing”, “I wish you the best”. Compare and contrast to Marcus last week, who moped and whined and tried to make her feel guilty about it (before magically recovering and catching the next ferry to Whore Island). The Farmer could teach the Good-Looking Kid a thing or two about dignity. Chris makes his final appeal about wanting to find love, and he’s out.

(Marquel! Bringing the cookies! Getting the ladies all hot-and-bothered on Bachelor in Paradise!)

Chris Harrison shows up at 1:42, beating his previous first-appearance record of 1:38. He greets Andi, smiling like Mr. Roarke from Fantasy Island:

Has he ever looked stressed in his entire life? What a pimp. They discuss the events of the past week, because, unlike Farmer Chris, Chris Harrison has spent the entire time at the beach drinking rum by the gallon, and he has no clue who is still there, or if the show is even still going on. There are a lot of positives for both Josh and Nick, but CH wants to hear the negatives. With Nick, she’s worried she might not be able to stay away from him until the last show of the season airs. With Josh, she’s worried that he might keep her chained up in a room, and only let her out on Sundays to watch his little brother’s football games.

For some reason, they decide to have a rose ceremony, and in the most shocking Bachelorette ever, both Josh and Nick decline their roses, leaving Andi wallowing in abject despair and drunk-dialing Farmer Chris from the end of a pier! I wish – that would have been much more interesting. There is one funny moment, when Andi chooses Nick before Josh, and Josh makes this face:

Clearly, this is the first time Josh hasn’t been picked first for something. Again, this seems like a tip-of-the-iceberg moment to me. Does that look like a guy who isn’t overly competitive or easily offended? After 12 months of dealing with that look, you’re walking on egg shells. No thanks.

So, Nick is winning this thing, and, with Marcus slutting around in paradise, it looks like Josh is America’s next Bachelor. Chris is a nice guy, but I don’t think a Bachelor can be too nice; he needs to get his swerve on once in a while, and I think Josh is enough of a lady’s man to make it work. Next week: the Men Tell All. Marquel gets reunited with Skeevy Andrew, Marcus gets reunited with his feelings, and I get reunited with Drunk Craig. I’ve missed you Drunk Craig…In 2 weeks, the boys meet Andi’s family, and from the looks of it, the only guy Papa Dorfman trusts less than Juan Pablo is Josh Murray. Let’s get ready for some fireworks!

Oh, yeah – Andi wet the bed until she was 12. Now that’s grown-sexy.