Bachelor in Paradise Week 4 – If Kalon Goes on a Date in the Forest and No One Goes With Him, Does the Date Really Happen?

Welcome to Week 4! People are about to stop being polite and start getting nutty, and this is where the fun begins. Let’s break everybody up into groups…

Land of the Lonely People – Michelle Money, Cody, and Kalon

Ah yes – three lost souls wandering the night like ships looking for harbor. Well, maybe two lost souls and one textbook definition of a douchebag. Let’s start with Michelle Money. For some reason, she’s still holding out hope that Robert will ask her out on a date, even though he just gave Sarah a rose 30 seconds ago. He of course picks Sarah, and they sail off to compete in the World’s Most Boring Couple Contest. This sets off a downward spiral of self-loathing that pretty much runs throughout the whole episode.

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Who’s super-confident and put together now?

Look, I get it. She’s a single mom living in Utah. It’s tough to meet someone because you and your daughter are a package deal, and that’s something that a lot of guys aren’t ready for. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re probably not going to find a guy who is ready for it out of a group of 20-somethings on Whore Island. Call me crazy. It was funny watching her fix Sarah’s hair the next morning though. “It felt like daggers through my heart.” Really? You mean kinda like how Sarah felt last week when you tried to steal Robert away from her? Got it. Michelle does have professional pride, however, and Sarah’s braid looked ah-maze-zing.

Crazy Cody shows up and immediately goes after CrazyEyesClare (because they both have Crazy in their name?), which makes Clare super-giddy:

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His mistake is not backing off once he finds out that Clare is taken. You dig her, fine; but if she’s not available, you need to move on, brother. By the way, when Cody asked for recommendations after getting turned down, isn’t it kind of fucked up that Clare didn’t point him Michelle Money’s way? If you’re really into Zack, why not play a little matchmaker?

[Funny side note: the group is talking about whether or not Clare should accept the date.

Jackie: I think Clare should explore the possibility, and if she misses Zack, that will make their relationship stronger.

Marquel: Absolutely!

Remember that conversation later, Marquel…]

Anyway, Cody is so tunnel-visioned on Clare, he gives his date card to Marcus. Umm, Michelle Money’s available. Why not go out with her? She’s interested in getting to know Cody. Or anyone – maybe even the next guy that walks up the beach. Cue Kalon, the d-bag from Emily Maynard’s season that got kicked off for calling her kid ‘baggage’. Michelle makes it pretty clear how she feels about this clown:

Michelle Money: He’s an asshole. He’s insensitive. I don’t like him, and I don’t want to spend time with him.

Kalon: Boobies!

So, is anyone surprised when he asks Michelle Money out on his date?

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Seriously? This dick is the only guy who will ask me out?

She calls him on his crap the next day and declines the date. So Kalon asks Jackie out. “Nope”. Then he asks Sarah out. “Nope”. This guy is such an unlikable prick, he couldn’t find a girl willing to spend three hours with him on a reality show built around drinking free booze and hooking up. So he does what any narcissist would do, and goes to Cenote Maya by himself, so he can fall in love with his inner douchebag all over again.

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Hey! Is anyone going to pull me back up?!

There is one shining ray of hope for this group, however: Cody and Michelle seem to hit it off over a little soft-porn back massage the next night. Though, if we look at her history so far, she’s fallen for Marquel, Robert and now Cody – not exactly similar guys. I’m starting to think that if you have a penis, you’re Michelle Money’s type. Anyway, they make out a little before the rose ceremony, so it looks like these two will stick around for at least another week.

Battle for Most Boring Couple in Television History – Marcus/Lacy vs. Robert/Sarah

Add these four people together, and you might end up with the personality of the average corporate tax accountant. Robert and Sarah go on a boat date (“Will you join me, Sara?”; “Ohmygoshyes!”), which normally I go crazy for. I love boat dates. But these two are so devoid of any kind of romance/humor/drama, that my eyes glaze over and I stare at the screen slack-jawed, with a little bit of drool forming at the corner of my mouth. Lovely Better Half had to wake me up when it was over. And then there’s Marcus and Lacy:

Marcus: I don’t want to scare you with my feelings.

Lacy: I’ll never be scared of your feelings.

Marcus: My feelings are really scary.

Ugh. The producers need to give these 4 their own concentrated segment, so we can fast forward through it and get to the crazy people. We like crazy.

Payback’s a Bitch – Jesse vs. Marquel

Marquel’s coming off a rose-ceremony high, he’s digging on Jackie and generally feeling good about where he’s at. “I just had a great date with Jackie, and I don’t really know what could go wrong at this point.” I have an idea; how about this:

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Enter Jesse from Jillian’s season. And suddenly Jackie is looking hot and bothered and doing her best Marquel impersonation from last week:

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Marquel who?

Jesse has a date card, and he conveniently chooses Jackie, who practically jumps out of her swimsuit to say yes. And now Marquel has just learned a valuable lesson in that ever-present and universally binding force of nature called Karma.

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So THAT’S what it feels like to get dropped after the first date…

Jesse apparently has a reputation for being a bit of a playboy, but Jackie thinks he’s hot, which is as good a reason as any to give him a shot. They have a romantic dinner in a cave somewhere near Tulum, and Jesse, being a player and having experience at this type of thing, convinces Jackie that he’s into her with professional-level efficiency.

Jackie: It was nice to hear that he was here for me. It made me feel really special that he wanted to get to know me. I know he has a little bit of a bad reputation, but so far he’s been a really nice guy.

Jesse: Sure, I’d like to date her. I’d like to date all of these girls, but I need to get a rose if I want to stick around. Over the long term, I haven’t had the best relationships, but when I need something now, I can usually get what I want.

Jackie: He’s good looking, he’s funny, he can have the serious conversations, and I can really see a future with Jesse.

Jesse: I thought tonight went well. It’ll be a pretty big disappointment if I go home tomorrow, because of all the chicks I could hook up with. I need a rose to stay, and I think Jackie is my best shot.

The next time we see this little love triangle is the rose ceremony, and Jackie looks like she’s all-in on Jesse, Marquel looks nervous that his ride is over, and Jesse can barely hide his excitement at the prospect of a week’s worth of open bars and free ass-grabs. Whore Island! It’s Faannnn-tastic!

Caught in the Crossfire – Zack vs. Graham

Here’s Zack and Graham summed-up in one picture:

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What is going on with the women on this show?

These are the absolute last two guys who came to Tulum looking for drama, and yet they ended up with the two girls that bring the most. The difference is that Zack seems to be finding a way to keep his crazy around while Graham wants the hell out. It all starts when CrazyCody Asks CrazyEyesClare out on a date. Zack tried to do the adult thing and give her a little space.

Zack: I like you, but I’m not the jealous type, and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to tell you what to do. [Good, you’re giving her space, letting her be independent. Nice approach]

Clare: Well, what if it was reversed and another girl asked you out?

Zack: It depends on who the girl was. [Oops]

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That’s not her Claradise face.

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Neither is this. But trust me – she’s just getting warmed up.

She gets pissy, and does a lot of questioning, but turns Cody down anyway. Later, Zack apologizes and says he wants to put his eggs in her basket (so to speak), so all is resolved for them – for now. Graham, on the other hand, has had just about enough, and his eyes are searching for the exit like the theater’s on fire. It took a skimpy dress and a pole dance for him to overlook the insane clingy-ness last week, and this week there’s all kinds of drama between AshLee and Clare that he wants no part of. Even if by some miracle these two make it to the end of the show, there’s no way they make it in the real world.

Crazy Beats Bitchy Every Time – Clare vs. AshLee

AshLee and Zack are hanging out, and for some unknown reason, she’s trying to warn him off of Clare, going so low as to bring up Clare banging Juan Pablo in the ocean (which, as much as everyone denies it, Clare totally did). Regardless, it doesn’t really matter, because it’s not like AshLee is a virgin, and people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, etc etc. Whatever. She thinks she’s not being recorded and then Zack casually points out the camera directly above their heads. Not noticing the camera was AshLee’s first mistake. Her second mistake was getting Tell-Tale-Heart-style guilty about the whole thing, and telling every girl in the house what happened. Eventually, it gets back to Clare via Lacy.

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It’s simmering beneath the surface…

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Fingers are pointing, she’s getting warmer…

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And she goes for the knife! CrazyEyesClare is back!

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And here’s AshLee, trying REALLY hard to look tough.

Here’s the thing about AshLee. She’s bitchy and she’s catty, and maybe not the brightest girl, but she’s not actually insane. Catty girls will play games, make snarky comments and talk behind your back. But when they’re confronted by someone who is really and truly nuts, they fold like a taco. Clare is full-blown, all-encompassing craycray, and there’s no way this ends well for AshLee. Because it’s been a few weeks since she’s lost her mind, Clare decides to practice on Zack for not defending her to AshLee, and Zack looks exasperated:

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This shit isn’t worth it, man…

Suitably warmed-up, she confronts AshLee, and lets her know how trashy and classless she is. AshLee apologizes, tells Clare she’s not mad at her (what?), and that she still wants to be friends. Clare basically tells her to go fuck herself. And now the catty girl is crying:

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And the Crazy One is looking smug:

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I don’t know karate, but I do know Ka-razy!

Everything comes to a head the night of the rose ceremony, when Michelle Money finally feels the need to clue Graham in on the drama he’s been desperately trying to avoid throughout the entire episode. AshLee’s catty bullshit clearly isn’t his style, and he looks pissed. He is seriously questioning whether or not AshLee is being two-faced and whether or not he wants to deal with any more of her crap. During the ceremony (after Lacy picks Marcus and Clare picks Zack) it looks like he makes up his mind:

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I’m gotta go.

Perfect time for a dramatic intermission.

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Get some rest, people; looks like there’s some fireworks coming tomorrow! Until next time…

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