Bachelor in Paradise Week 5 – Stalectlites, Necklaces, and the End of Jesse’s Booze-Fueled Rocket Ride Through Paradise

First, let’s get this out of the way:

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Because scarves are soooo last season. I understand that it’s a convenient way to mount a mic when everyone’s half-naked, but come on – that looks ridiculous.

When we last left our young and adulterous adventurers, they had just concluded a rose ceremony, and everyone seems shocked that Jesse chose Christy over What’s-Her-Nuts. Sarah has a sneaking suspicion that Jesse is only here “for free booze and to hook up with chicks.” Thanks, Einstein. Did you figure that out all by yourself? Meanwhile, Michelle Money is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because Cody said “I love you” after knowing her for 72 hours.

The first date card comes, and it’s for Marcus and, by default, Lacy. Great. Pardon me while I brew a strong cup of coffee to get me through the next 15 minutes. They go to another underground cave, and the big mystery leading up to this date is whether or not Lacy will say “I love you” back to Marcus. I’m on the edge of my seat. Marcus makes a Jurassic Park joke, and Lacy says she hopes they see a ‘try-own-oh-saurus”. Then, we’re treated to this exchange of brilliance:

Lacy: So, we see some…what are these?

Cameraman: Stalactites and stalagmites.

Lacy: Selectments and Stells?

Cameraman: Stalactites and stalagmites.

Lacy: Satellites? Stalaglites?

Marcus better be careful with the dinosaur jokes, because Lacy might actually believe that they still exist and get really, really scared. They go swimming and Lacy is worried about “what’s going to touch her underneath”. That would be Marcus (Ha!). They see a bunch of bats – which, I’ll admit, would freak me out – and then they make the standard analogies about facing their fears, and a relationship is like swimming through a guano-infested cave, etc. Finally, they sit down to talk:

Marcus: That cave was amazing.

Lacy: Yeah, and it’s all so natural…and nature…and stuff.

Marcus: whisper whisper

Lacy: What?

Marcus: I can tell you’re like me. You’re vulnerable, and scared of being vulnerable.

Lacy: Of course, silly! I’m a girl just like you….

And then I tune out for the rest of it. Back at the Love Shack, Michelle Money and Jesse are discussing her Cody problem. She knows she needs to talk to him about how quickly their relationship is moving, but she’s scared he’ll go into an Incredible Hulk-style ‘roid-rage and destroy the entire country of Mexico. Meanwhile, Cody is getting jacked:

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Cody lift rock!

Sarah loves Robert. She loooves Robert. She’s so happy she found him. She wants to spend all her time with him. She wants to have a hundred little perfect-haired Robert babies. There’s no way she could ever be with anyone else. Sounds like a perfect segue to introducing Brooks, the guy that dumped Desiree on the last episode of her season. And now Sarah can’t shut-up about Brooks. She has the biggest crush on him. He’s so hot, she can’t look directly at him. She can’t stop thinking about Brooks, and she needs to break up with Robert. As a gentle reminder, Sarah was crying her eyes out three episodes ago when Michelle Money tried to swoop in on Robert. “Poor me! No one ever likes me! Michelle is so perfect and I can’t compete with her and Robert would never like a girl like me because he’s so good-looking and I’m not good enough”. Now she’s ready to drop a perfectly good guy like a hot rock the second someone new walks in. Hey, Sarah, here’s a thought: maybe you’re not single because you have one arm. Maybe you’re single because, like Marquel before you, you keep looking for the next best thing. And yes, I figured that out all by myself. Anyway, Brooks needs to pick someone for a date, and Robert does his best Clare impersonation:

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Then, he threatens to kill him, and he doesn’t sound like he’s kidding. Feeling threatened much, young Robert? Brooks, feeling reasonably uncomfortable after his first 5 minutes on Whore Island, decides to ask Jackie out, because, you know, he doesn’t want to get stabbed in his sleep. And now Sarah looks legitimately pissed:

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I can’t believe Robert blocked me like that. I deserve way better than this.

Jackie and Brooks leave for their date, and Zack takes a more subtle approach to marking his territory, by making Jackie wear his necklace around her head:

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Thanks for the awesome head necklace, Zack!

They go to dinner in Tulum and play foosball, which, although a fun game, isn’t necessarily something I’d use to woo a potential mate. Brooks thinks Jackie’s cute; we know because he says it about 18 times. Jackie says he’s “fun’. They seem to have a good time, but he clearly isn’t lighting her fires, and honestly, the whole scene is more boring than a Marcus and Lacy date.

Later, back at the house, Brooks and Sarah flirt while Robert makes love to the mirror:

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Man, I look good today.

This guy has spent an inordinate amount of time this season applying hair spray. Sarah finally decides to break up with Robert, but first she finds a note on her bed, inviting her out for a mini-date on the beach. She and Robert talk, and he says he wants to date her after the show, and Sarah finally comes to her senses and realizes there is no fucking way on earth she does better than Robert, and decides to stick with him.

Off to another part of the beach, where Michelle Money is trying to figure out how to end things with Cody, who is talking a lot. “I know I’m not doing this right and I know I’m scaring you but I’m kind of an emotional drunk and I babble a lot, especially with red wine – that shit goes straight to my head – and I just want to love on you and be a part of your life and I know I should shut-up but my mouth won’t stop moving and even I’m not strong enough to make it stop and I can lift a rock over my head!” Michelle looks for a way to break into the conversation but it doesn’t come and she finally gives up trying to say anything. She finally decides that Cody is too nice of a guy and she doesn’t have the heart to dump him; there’s only one more week, she can suck it up for that long.

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We’re back! So, the first hour has been dominated by Marcus/Lacy and Robert/Sarah, and just when I’m ready to turn off the TV, we finally get to Jesse, Christy, et al. Poor Christy. You know that ex-boyfriend you were talking about? And how you hoped Jesse was nothing like him? Well, it turns out they might as well have been twins.

Christy: Jesse is a really great guy. He says all the right things, and I think he’s really here to find love. He has all the qualities a girl is looking for and I feel like we have something really special.

Jesse: I’m going back to the room to tap that ass. High five, bro!

Michelle Money, feeling bitter that she’s resigned to another week of smothering Cody-love, decides to rain on Christy’s parade. It turns out that Jesse has been bragging to the boys about his conquests over the past couple of days. Besides being pretty douchey (what are we, 16 years old? What grown man needs to brag about having sex?), it’s also incredibly stupid to air your laundry in a house this small. There’s simply no way it doesn’t get back to the girl you’re talking about. It does make me wonder, though, if he was only bragging to the guys about it, how did the girls find out? One of the guys had to break the code of silence and tell his girlfriend, right? I wonder which one it was…

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And then I looked through Brad’s luggage and I found this note! He totally has a girlfriend back at home! And then Marquel told me that he’s thinking about dropping Michelle and going out with Danielle and Jackie! And Chris Bukowski is a total pig! I heard he cheated on a girl before, and he acts like a total player! And you’ll never guess all the things that Jesse has been saying about Jackie and Lucy and Christy! He’s totally gross!

Anyway, Michelle fills Christy in, and she’s understandably offended and embarrassed, and it looks like she’s had a change of heart: “Jesse is a misogynistic, manipulative [bleeping] [bleep]. I hate him.” Christy wants to leave because there’s no one here for her, but maybe someone new will show up. By now, we all know what’s coming next – The Ghost of Clare’s Father bringing the Gift of Tasos!

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As a side note, Sarah has forgotten all about Robert and Brooks, and wants to jump all over Tasos:

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He’s so hot. I love him way more than the other two. I’m dumping everyone.

Tasos sits down with Michelle Money to get the lay of the land, and she sends him Christy’s way. He invites her out and Jesse suddenly looks nervous: “Umm, what? Christy and Taco are going on a date?” And it’s just fucked up that he calls him ‘Taco’. Between that and airing his bedroom exploits, Jesse’s crashing and burning like the Hindenburg in this episode.

Christy and Tasos float around a river and it’s all very civilized. I don’t know if Michelle Money’s talk was the wake up call she needed, but Christy has been notably sober this episode. I get the feeling this girl has a history of making very bad decisions when she’s been drinking, which probably explains everything about her past relationships. They talk for a little bit, and Christy makes it clear she wants to move slow. She thinks Tasos is a really nice guy and exactly what she needs right now – as in a really sober and safe friend who she has no interest in hooking up with. It’s a pleasant afternoon, but it’s pretty clear she’s keeping him around just to get rid of Jesse.

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I’m really glad you’re here while I get cleaned up. Want to go to a meeting? I’m feeling itchy.

Back on the beach, Brooks decides that foosball wasn’t romantic enough, so he challenges Jackie to a game of Horse. What’s next, air hockey? Maybe a little XBOX? Does he want a girlfriend or a little brother?

The next date card comes, and it’s for Zack, who obviously asks Jackie out. And now, because we haven’t had any crazy AshLee for nearly a whole episode, here she is losing her shit about the date card:

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That’s such crap. Everyone knows Graham and I are the best-looking couple here.

Nice head-gear, by the way. She goes on her typical rant, nothing we haven’t heard before. The best part is Michelle Money going off about her in the interview room, but acting like besties in front of the camera.

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She’s such a bitch. I hope Graham is seeing this side of her.

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OMG, you’re so sweet! BFF’s forever and ever!

My Lovely Better Half laughs and shakes her head. “Girls are so two-faced.”

Zack and Jackie leave for yet another Magical Mystery Cavern Tour, and Zack is committed to making this date ‘romantical’. They swim through Gran Cenote and then lay out on a lounge chair to discuss their relationship.

Zack: You’re like a breath of fresh air, because you’re even-keel and normal. Not like the last chick, who was bat-shit crazy and spent half her time in the jungle, yelling at a raccoon.”

Jackie: Cool. Let’s go make out in the water!

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Somewhere, Clare is stabbing a Zack voodoo doll in the junk.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, and Jesse is starting to see the writing on the wall. He starts reminiscing about how awesome the past week has been, and he feels like he’s accomplished everything he came here for. Really? Cleaning out the bar and sleeping with a couple girls were the only things you wanted to do? Well, mission accomplished, I guess. He does seem a little delusional about the friendships he made, though; I get the feeling he’s going to miss paradise more than paradise is going to miss him.

Jackie is digging on Zack, and he gives her a bracelet; it’s charming without being overbearing. Then Brooks comes in and he wants to paint each other’s nails. Ummm…what? Maybe I was wrong earlier; maybe Brooks is looking for a little sister.

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I’m a little disturbed at how well you did that.

Christy tells Tasos she feels different with him than Jesse; she feels more sober, less lusty, and she thinks he’ll make a great sponsor when they go back home.

Jesse sits down with Christy, and tries to go the reverse-psychology route on her. “I didn’t feel like you were open, I don’t think you were giving us a chance, I might as well leave.” Poor Christy looks like she’s staring into the eyes of every single bad boyfriend that’s ever manipulated her in the past, and literally doesn’t know what to say. So, Jesse goes back to the main room to make his farewell speech:

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Awesome time, guys! Party!

While the girls have a powwow:

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He doesn’t get to dump you! You get to dump him!

Lacy and Michelle Money are trying to explain to Christy she was treated like crap – which she was – and Michelle Money is pushing crazy-hard for Christy to confront Jesse before he leaves. Like, she’s way more pissed about it than even Christy is. I get the feeling Michelle has a couple of Jesse’s in her past who she didn’t confront at the time, and now she has a prepared speech for situations just like this, and dammit, someone’s going to use it. The three of them interrupt Jesse’s limo interview, and he takes one look at the crossed arms and stern faces, and he knows it’s going to be a rough ride:

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Christy: You told me you were here for love, and you wanted to spend time and get to know me, but I know what you did with Lucy And Jackie and I know that you told the guys all about what we did together, and I think that’s disrespectful and you’re a coward for leaving early to try and save face.

Jesse: Whatevs.

Clearly, Christy is either not going off enough or she forgot the salient points of Michelle’s pre-written speech, so Michelle Money steps in for her, and goes off on Jesse for a full minute, finishing with “but this is between you two.” When it’s done, Jesse gets back in the car without a word, Michelle feels like she’s just had 3 years worth of therapy in 5 minutes, and Lacy looks particularly satisfied:

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I’m really happy that Jesse is gone, because I think he was a bad influence on Marcus, and I need to keep that boy in line.

As for Christy, she feels so good about how things went down, that she’s decided to hop off the wagon:

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I feel great! Really! Oh god, that tastes good…

And, as we wave goodbye to Jesse, I’ll rephrase my statement from earlier: he’s definitely 100% delusional about the friendships he made here. These people hate him, and I don’t think there’s going to be many returned phone calls in his future.

As for the ceremony itself, no surprises here, other than the girls feeling the need to follow Marcus’s lead from last week and make an annoying speech with each rose.

Lacy – Marcus

AshLee – Graham

Sarah – Robert  – Sarah can really see their relationship growing – at least until Farmer Chris’s season starts. He was really hot, and she might have to dump Robert to fly to Iowa to crash the show.

Michelle Money – Cody

Christy – Tasos – no speech because, well, no chemistry

Jackie – Zack

Later-on to Brooks. Chris Harrison interrupts the usual end-of-show celebration to let everyone know that was the last rose ceremony, and everything changes starting tomorrow. Next week is the finale, and relationships will be put to the test! Maybe the producers will offer monetary options for leaving your partner? Cash has a funny way of complicating things. We shall see…

Until next time, fellow fanatics!

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