Exactly when did “loving someone” turn into “loving on someone”? When I hear “I want to love on you”, it generally leads to a lot of wet-wipes and the exchange of money. But I digress…

This whole episode was pretty anti-climactic. What was pitched as the ultimate test of their relationships basically turned into Chris Harrison asking everyone three times whether or not they wanted to date each other after the show was over.

Do you want to date each other? Are you sure? Are you really, really sure?

If they say no, goodbye and thanks for playing; if they say yes, best of luck in your new life! They could have offered some kind of prize money and created some real back-stabbing opportunities to up the drama level. Instead, we got 2 hours of people talking about their relationships. Whatever; we get the material we get, so here we go…

Round 1 – Can We Talk? – Chris Harrison tells the couples the time has come to really think about how serious their relationships are, and to have real discussions about whether or not they want to continue their epic journey of love after leaving paradise. He makes a point of telling them not to fool each other, and especially not to try to full him. Or what? You’re going to strap a lie detector machine to their chest and dangle them over a pool of angry crocodiles? What exactly is the penalty for lying to Chris Harrison? Maybe we should ask Juan Pablo Galavis – if anyone can actually find him. Cue Michelle Money, who’s feeling super-extra-great about Cody:

So, I have to decide if I’m marrying him right now?

Anyway, the boys and the girls go to separate areas to wring their hands and fret for a while, and then people start voting yay or nay.

Zack & Jackie (Jack? Zackie?)

Zack: I think you’re pretty cool; we should hang out if you’re ever in LA.

Jackie: Whatever, I live in Florida, and I just came here for the free trip to Mexico, so you know, whatever….

Tasos & Christy

Tasos: I’ve only had like 20 minutes of airtime and you’re pretty hot, so I’m game for sticking around.

Christy: No offense, but I drank WAY too much, had a threesome on national television, sunburned the shit out of myself, and I honestly have no idea who you are. I’m cutting my losses and getting the hell out of here.

Graham & AshLee

Wow, Michelle Money really threw AshLee under the bus. While AshLee is rambling on about how great Michelle is and how she just wants to “love on her”, Michelle runs off and tells Graham to dump this girl and get out of town. Look, I get that Michelle Money is protective of Graham for some reason (actually, I don’t get that; it’s weird, and more than a little possessive). I even acknowledge that AshLee’s a little bitchy and a little fake, and definitely delusional about how amazing she is. But dropping a live grenade in the middle of their relationship was pretty harsh. And what a wimp Graham turned out to be. You’re a grown man, make your own decisions. AshLee’s cute and she’s into him; she said she wasn’t looking for a ring, she just wanted to see how things went in real life (totally normal and non-crazy, btw). Why not go out with her a couple times and see if you hit off away from the cameras? Instead, he drops her like a bad habit because Michelle Money – that paragon of self-confidence and stability – tells him to. Does he check in with M$ whenever he makes a decision, like what shirt to wear or whether to pick chicken or fish on an RSVP card? Lovely Better Half tells me these two used to date, and I can’t imagine how that went. Graham is so afraid of confrontation and Michelle Money is so overbearing, she must have run roughshod over the poor guy. He probably had to fake his own death just to end it.

Anyway, Graham dumps AshLee and she cries a lot. Whatever you want to say about her personality-wise, I get the vibe that she legitimately liked him – even wanted to love on him a little. Graham looks completely bummed, but hey, at least he got to motorboat Michelle Money before he left.

Marcus & Lacy

Marcus: I love being tender with you.

Lacy: I’m scared of love.

Marcus: I’m scared of being scared.

Lacy: Being scared is scary.

Marcus: I need you to help me find myself.

Lacy: Will we need a map?

Marcus: No, it’s a journey of vulnerability.

Lacy: Is vulnerable the same as thirsty? It’s hot in here. I like water when I’m really hot because it’s wet.

Robert & Sarah

Sarah: I’m not packing my bags.

Robert: Me neither.

Sarah: Yay.

[They gaze around the room in awkward silence for a while]

Cody & Michelle Money

Cody: I just want to love on Michelle Money!

Michelle $: I really don’t think I’m in the same place as Cody right now. I don’t think I can tell him I love him. When I think about the future and incorporating someone into my life and my daughter’s life, I’m not sure I see that with him.

So, does Michelle follow the advice she gave Graham and pack her bags because she’s not feeling it? No; no she doesn’t. She calls her daughter (who sounds a hundred times more put-together than mom), and decides to stick around and see if she can fall in love with this guy in the final 24 hours, because, you know, she might see something she missed in the past two weeks. So, it’s off to round 2 for Michelle and Cody. Meanwhile, Graham is sitting at the airport saying “she did what?”

Round 2 – The Overnights – Chris Harrison shows up again (these finales must be a grind for him) and reminds everyone how important it is to be honest with each other, because things are about to get a lot more difficult. Because now, it’s time for the dreaded Next Step, and they’re all going off on one final date to…wait for it…talk about their relationships some more. Umm, didn’t we just do that? Yes, but now it’s during an overnight date!

Sarah & Robert

Sarah: An overnight date has obvious implications. I can’t wait to be alone with him, away from the cameras and the prying eyes. This is a chance for Robert to get to know me as a woman, in every possible way, and I hope he digs deep. [Pretty much no translation needed for that]

Robert: [Stares off into the distance; crickets chirping in the background]

Marcus & Lacy

Marcus: I was fearful. Now I’m excited.

Lacy: We’re growing our foundation.

Marcus: I can’t imagine my life without you.

Lacy: You complete me.

Marcus: I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.

Lacy: Your voice is what it sounds like when doves cry.

Marcus: I’ve walked a path of heartbreak and tears.

Lacy: Our experiences give us memories!

Marcus: I feel the same way.

Lacy: Which way?

Marcus: The way you said you feel.

Lacy: Just now or earlier?

Marcus: All of it.

Lacy: I’m confused.

Cody & Michelle Money

Immediately upon hearing about the overnight dates, Michelle Money says “I didn’t think this would be something we would have to deal with.” She sure sounds excited! They sit down to dinner, where Cody babbles in a very Cody-licious way, and Michelle looks like she’s gonna throw up she’s so nervous. She rambles about having a daughter and needing to think about her first, and then tells Cody he’s not getting laid, but she still needs to sample the goods. She tells the audience she’s 50/50 on Cody, but she’ll have a much clearer understanding in the morning, and then unleashes this pearl of wisdom:

Sometimes I get the impression that guys with that big of a body have a small dick. But I could be totally wrong. Maybe his dick is very muscular.

And there we have it. All of her concerns about how fast things are moving, and how it will affect her daughter, and whether or not she can see Cody in her life – and it all hinges on the size of his dick. Setting a fine example, Mom.

Round 3 – The Boys Get Their Grades and 2 Out Of 3 Pass – It’s the next morning! Why don’t we check in and see how everyone’s feeling?

Lacy: We stayed up all night loving on one another!

Marcus: In a life filled with tenderness, it was the tenderest moment of all.

Michelle $: I am really sore and really satisfied. He has an amazing dick and he’s really fucking good in bed. We did it like porn stars last night. Hey Lacy, can I borrow some of your makeup?

Cody: I marked some things off the bucket list last night! [Really? Did Christy have too much to drink at the airport and sneak in for one more threesome before her flight left?]

Sarah: He slept in his jeans. He didn’t touch me at all. I wanted sex, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Robert: But Chris Harrison said we were only supposed to talk…

So, not so good for Sarah and Robert, then. At first, she’s a little frustrated. Then she hears about Lacy and Michelle hanging from their respective chandeliers and she gets outright pissed. She dumps Robert immediately and packs her bags. I thought he wasn’t into her and didn’t want to hit it and run, but Lovely Better Half thinks there’s something actually wrong with him. As a reminder, this is the same guy who went swimming in his jeans with Lacy. Why is he so scared to take his pants off? Small wiener? One ball? Three balls? Sure, it might look a little weird, but I don’t think Sarah would have minded; that girl was ready to go last night. Now she’s exiting paradise one day too early.

I should have dumped you for Brooks. Are they still casting for Chris Soules’ season?

Round 4 – Let’s Wrap This Thing up – It’s the last day and everyone meets in the palapa. Chris Harrison announces the Final Grueling Test – being interviewed by Bachelor alumni, desperately holding on to their reality fame. Not exactly testifying before congress, is it Chris? Let’s introduce Sean & Catherine, Desiree & Second-Choice-Guy, and Jason & Molly (no clue who these two are – before my time. LBH says Molly has gained a ton of weight, though. “She better be pregnant.” Ouch.) By the way, nice shirt, Sean:

There’s really not much here. Two notable moments: Cody calls Michelle Money a cougar and Marcus accidentally wears a lamp as a hat, which was probably the second funniest thing that happened this season after Clare’s Dancing With The Stars comment.

The alumni all give their collective thumbs-up, for whatever that’s worth, and then we have one final rose ceremony. Wait, that’s it? Really? No prisoner’s dilemma? No Obstacle Course of Death? They just hand each other a rose and walk off into the sunset? This is weak.

Cody: I’m so glad I met you. I’m excited to meet your daughter. I can’t wait to leave paradise and start our lives together.

Michelle $: I love your dick. I absolutely love it. Seriously, I haven’t been laid like that since high school.

Everyone have a rose, see you crazy kids in the next life. Next up is Marcus and Lacy. They walk to a private spot on the beach, which was completely random and not pre-arranged in any way at all:

Marcus: Every love before is beneath this love.

Lacy: You’re the wind beneath my wings.

Marcus: Love is a gentle mystery that you help me solve.

Lacy: My heart hurts on the inside.

Marcus: You make me want speak more softly.

Lacy: I can hear you breathe when air goes inside you.

Marcus: I want to spend the rest of my life expressing my feelings in words.

Lacy: I like to learn new words.

Marcus: I love your chest.

Lacy: I love your chest hair.

Marcus: Will you marry me?

Lacy: Sure, but can we get engaged first?

Neil Lane gets a surprise plug:

Do you think Chris Harrison carries a locked suitcase of emergency engagement rings? And a security guard follows him with the case handcuffed to his wrist, like the president with the nuclear launch codes? Anyway, everyone hugs and congratulates each other, and then Chris Harrison walks up, announces that check out is at 11, and he’s not paying for another night. So, as the old saying goes, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

And that’s all she wrote, my friends. The series as a whole was pretty phenomenal, but the producers need to spice up the finale if they’re going to do this again. The new season of the Bachelor starts in January, so we get a bit of a break. Writing this every week is a grind; I have no idea how Jen Frase has managed to put these things out for 8 years. If you get withdrawals, just remind yourself that Farmer Chris is out there right now, searching his way through a corn field of drama solely for your viewing pleasure. Until next time…

Oh yeah, there’s an epilogue and Chris Bukowski and Elise broke up 2 weeks after going home. Shocker. And, holy Jehovah, the amount of makeup on Lacy. This woman is single-handedly keeping Estee Lauder and spray tans in business.