Another season of the Bachelor is upon us! And after Hurricane Juan Pablo almost single-handedly sank the franchise, was there anyone who didn’t think that Farmer Chris (aka: The Fuzziest, Giggliest, Most-Anti-Juan-Pablo-est Man on Earth) was a mortal lock to be the next Bachelor? Umm…well, actually, yes…me. As per my July 15th post, “Bachelorette Week 10 – The Dominican (Republic) is Fantasy Sweet!”:

“So, Nick is winning this thing, and, with Marcus slutting around in paradise, it looks like Josh is America’s next Bachelor. Chris is a nice guy, but I don’t think a Bachelor can be too nice; he needs to get his swerve on once in a while, and I think Josh is enough of a lady’s man to make it work.” 

The lesson in all of this? As usual, I have absolutely NO idea what I’m talking about. Whatever – I have 10 weeks to redeem myself, and Marcus still didn’t get the call, so already feel like I’ve won the lottery. I know girls loved him, but watching that guy mumble incoherent sweet-nothings for 10 weeks would have probably made me smash my tv. And even though I originally thought Chris was way too nice for this game, it might end up being more entertaining with him in it. Watching that cuddly-sweet little teddy bear trying to send girls home without hurting their feelings is going to be a slow-motion train wreck. I put the over-under on number of times he throws up before a rose ceremony at 3.5.

Anywhoooo…with the new season starting tonight, I thought I’d do a quick rundown of the always underrated online profiles for this year’s starry-eyed contestants. I always find questionnaires massively entertaining, so let’s see how these hopeful young lasses sweated through the written portion of the test, shall we?  BTW, I listed the men’s shoe sizes for Andi’s season; I’ve decided to list number of tattoos for this one. There are tattoo-girls and non-tattoo-girls, and whichever one you are says something about you. I’m not sure what, but it’s something. On to the ladies:

Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant – No tattoos. Her biggest date fear is running into exes, maybe because she admits to stalking some guy’s Facebook page, then sending him a long detailed message about what she found. So she’s crazy. Good start so far.

Amanda, 24, Ballet Teacher – Two tattoos, and she would be really, really sad if she could never shop again. Deep.

Amber, 29, Bartender – No tattoos. Amanda can’t live without her teddy bear. What a coincidence; my 1 year old son can’t live without his teddy bear, either.

Ashley I, 26, Freelance Journalist – Really! Perhaps a girl with a brain? No tattoos. Most uncomfortable first date was when she tried out being a cougar, but the guy was “sooo immature”. Again, she’s 26. How old was this guy? Fourteen? What did his parents say when she showed up at the door, dressed to kill on a school night? “Have fun at mini-golf, son!” Alright, maybe she doesn’t have a brain.

Ashley S, 24, Hair Stylist – Two Ashleys – one blonde, one brunette. What are the chances they end up hating each other? No tattoos. Umm, I got nothing. She loves her family and hates it when her date talks on his phone during dinner. Me too. Seems pretty normal.

Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant – Two Tattoos. Her biggest date fear is clogging up the toilet. Wow. You might want to keep your irritable bowel syndrome a secret until the 4^th or 5^th date. Or forever.

Bo, 25, Plus-Sized Model – Two Tattoos. Not looking very plus-sized to me. The three people she most wants to have lunch with are Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mother Theresa – the three most influential women in history! It’s “Teresa”, btw; you might want to fix that before you write the place cards for the table setting. You spelled Beyonce and Rihanna correctly, though! Seriously, I weep for this generation.

Britt, 27, Waitress – No tattoos. Again, nothing. Cute, nice, normal – maybe she’ll trip or something coming out of the limo tonight.

Brittany, 26, WWE Diva-in-Training – Oh yeah; she has tattoos. Her biggest date fear is violent diarrhea. Is this a common thing with women?

Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer – No tattoos. Carly loves it when her date “is invested, opens the door, asks questions, looks me in the eyes, compliments me, smiles, laughs, holds my hand”…and picks her up 10 minutes early, and helps an old person cross the street, and makes balloon animals, and points out the constellations in the night sky, and reads poetry during the appetizer round, and buys her a puppy…no…a kitten. Her turn-off list is equally long. Perchance a tiny bit demanding.

Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer – Two Tattoos. Entrepreneur, loves her dog, likes to read – another normal one.

Jillian, 25, News Producer – No tattoos. She got to meet Mike Tyson and lived to talk about it. I’m impressed.

Jordan, 24, Student – Two tattoos. Her biggest date fear is stomach cramps (that’s three) and if she could be anyone for a day, it would be Britney Spears! Aim high!

Juelia, 30, Esthetician – One tattoo (an individual!). Her worst date? “The guy took me to dinner, then refused to eat dinner, and then told me he couldn’t believe I ate my whole dinner.” That’s actually kind of funny. I want to find this guy and ask him if he did it on purpose just to mess with her.

Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor – FIVE tattoos! AND, if she won the lottery, she would buy an island, make it into a land of pirates, and call it “Yarrrland”. I like this girl; she might be my Drunk Craig of 2015.

Kara, 25, High School Soccer Coach – No Tattoos. She’d be very happy if she never had to go to grad school. Ummm…then don’t go. It’s not required by law, like elementary school or taxes or whatever. If she could be one person for a day, it would be her future husband, so she could know what’s going on inside his head. No trust issues there.

Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor – No tattoos, biggest date fear is diarrhea (that’s four). Another girl that wants to be her future husband for a day. “So when I ask ‘Honey, how was your day?’ I’d know if he was lying or not. Because all men lie.”

(Holy crap, there’s a lot of girls on this show. This has to be some kind of record, right? I think the producers realize how nice Chris is, and they’re making him dump as many women as possible just to mess with him. He throws up at least 4 times this season.)

Kimberly, 28, Yoga Instructor – No tattoos. Normal.

Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant – No tattoos. If she could be any animal for a day, it would be a dog, because they never have to worry and they get pampered all day. Unless, you know, your owner is Michael Vick.

Megan, 24, Make-Up Artist – Two tattoos. Her worst date was when a guy asked her out for New Years Eve, and she got wasted and yakked in her purse. She’s got a little Captain in her!

Michelle, 25, Wedding Cake Decorator – No tattoos. Her ultimate date would be a surprise trip to Hawaii, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watching the sunset on the beach. Or dinner and a movie. Whatever.

Nicole, 31, Real Estate Agent – No tattoos. If she could be a fictional character, it would be Jessica Rabbit, because she has “natural sex appeal. Would be fun to be someone so different!” You might want to rethink that answer…

Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader – Kind of like “former baseball player”, but without the signing bonus. No tattoos.

Reegan, 28, Donated Tissue Specialist – They changed her title; when it first went up, it was “Cadaver Tissue Salesperson”. Clearly, that was too morbid for the Bachelor audience. Whatever; just don’t look in her fridge. No tattoos.

Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer – No tattoos. She has 3.5 pound teacup Maltese. I’m always wary of little-dog girls.

Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant – No tattoos. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast – No tattoos, scared of having bad gas during a date (that’s 5). She loves it when a date opens the truck door for her. Have you ever dated a guy that didn’t drive a pickup? Being married means “legal documentation that you are forever committed”. That’s romantic, I guess…

Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher– One tattoo. Normal.

Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher – One tattoo…and scared of getting “di-di” during dinner (6). If she could be any fruit or vegetable, it would be a coconut, “because no one would ever eat me! And I would smell and taste delicious! But…no one would eat me…but, I taste good…oh, I’m so confused!”

Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse – One tattoo. Loves her family, hates guys that talk on their cell phone…blah, blah, blah.

And that’s the line-up, folks! How about a nice round of applause for your 2015 Bachelorettes! Sorry; just trying to make the former cheerleader feel comfortable…

Takeaways? This seems like a youngish crowd, considering Farmer Chris is 33. Not creepy young, but I’m a little surprised that there are only 3 women who are 30+.

Despite the three girls at the end and pirate-island girl with 5 tattoos, it seems like the going rate for body art is either two or none. Go big or go home I guess. I wish they’d tell us what the tattoos were. Out of the collective 23 tattoos on these girls, how many are Chinese letters? 21? And how many of those actually mean what these girls think they mean, and not “dumb westerner” or “General Cho’s Chicken”? Three? These are the kinds of  things I want to know.

Thirty women. THIRTY. They better cut at least half that crowd the first night, or else Chris won’t be able to keep his head above water. Thirty? I felt like I ran a marathon just typing this. Overall, a pretty cute crowd, though. Farmer Chris is going to have a mighty fine crop this year! Countdown is on; looking forward to a great season of drama, tears and me guessing it all wrong again!

Until tonight…