“Welcome to Bachelor Live! I’m Chris Harrison! And we’re bringing you live!…To the red carpet in Hollywood!…[under his breath] in the back of our parking lot.”

Yeah. The producers decided tack on an extra hour to let the C-listers walk up and down a makeshift red carpet behind the studio, kind of like a Slut Oscars. It’s the same back entrance Crazy-Pants Nick used last season when he went full Terminator Mode on Andi.

In fact, I’m pretty sure the security guard in the first picture is the same guy smoking a cigarette in the back of the truck in Nick’s shot. Teamster’s Local 399, getting paid. And what’s the fascination with Brookes? This guy always struck me as a little creepy.

I’m hunting groupies tonight! Yeah, baby!

Chris Harrison gets us pumped for the new season, like the world’s greatest carnival barker. Virgins in the Fantasy Suite! A woman with a dark past! Surprise guest hosts! (Because he needs more vacation time) And tonight, Get ready for the strangest…rose ceremony…in Bachelor history! Let’s get montage-ey!

Meet Farmer Chris, America! He rides a Harley. He drives a tractor. Salt-o’-the-earth, etc, etc. Three minutes into the season, we get our first “love is like farming” analogy. No chance we get sick of that over the next 10 weeks. All kidding aside, Chris’s family seems great and his day-to-day life looks awesome. He lives on 6,000 acres and drives heavy machinery all day – that has to beat sitting behind a desk, right? I’m seriously rethinking my choices in life…

So, Farmer Chris loves his life, he just hasn’t found the love of his life, so…cut to the Rockie IV style workout with Crazy Cody Code! Chris is lifting rocks, carrying bales of hay, doing high-knees on the side of a barn – because, apparently, there’s no gym equipment in Iowa. Then there’s the twisted Norman Rockwell moment:

Dude, does this cornfield make my neck look big?

I miss Cody. Farmer Chris finishes his hay bale workout, and decides to ride his Harley to Los Angeles. While we wait 4 days for him to make the cross-country trip, let’s head back to the Red Crapet for an interview with Sean and Catherine! (That was originally a typo, btw, but I decided to leave it. If you set up a red carpet in your studio parking lot, it’s a crapet)

CH: What are you guys doing, now that your 15 minutes of fame are up?

Sean/Catherine: Umm, we go to work, and walk the dogs, and sit around in our sweats.

CH: That sounds great!

By the way, the only person in this picture staring at his cell phone?

It’s racist douche bag, Skeevy Andrew, because no one wants to talk to him. He’s the only guy who might be less popular than Kalon, and Kalon went on a date with himself. Next up, Harrison interviews Marcus and Lacy, but my eyes glazed over and I passed out for a little bit, so I don’t remember what they said. I picture them having 2 really good-looking and boring children, and the whole family makes a living posing for those stock photos they put in picture frames. Seriously, these two have no personality. Let’s meet some Bachelorettes! Highlights:

Amanda the Ballet Instructor says she’s still single because she’s fucking crazy. And for once, those are her words, not mine. She lives with her mom, doesn’t pay bills and hates to cook.  She’s also going up against 29 other really pretty women, so it’s not like Chris is going to have to make compromises here. I think I’d Ix-nay the whole I-Don’t-Do-Shit-Nay, at least until the season’s over.

Whitney the Fertility Nurse. Talks like Minnie Mouse and just can’t seem to meet any nice guys in Chicago. Maybe someone should introduce her to Chris Bukowski.

Mackenzie the Dental Assistant – We have our first single mom of the season. I figured there would be at least one, but I wouldn’t have guessed it was the 21 year old.

Kelsey the School Counselor – we find out she was widowed a little over a year ago. Wow, that’s a tough break. It also means she went through the casting process less than 12 months after her husband died. Does that seem a little soon to anyone else besides me? I wonder how long Lovely Better Half would mourn if I died? I better not ask that question; might not like the answer.

We come back from commercial and Clare has stolen someone’s baby. The Security Guard/Moving Truck Guy needs to tackle her before she makes it off the lot.

Mommy! Where’s my mommy?! MOMMMMMYYY!!

There’s an Andi/Josh interview of little to no consequence, and then it’s time to talk to a newly Juan Pablo-free Nikki, which turns into one of the most uncomfortable interviews I’ve ever seen. She’s trying as hard as she can to take the high road, but Chris Harrison looks like he’s reenacting the Nixon/Frost interviews. He absolutely will not let her off the hook without getting something nasty about Juan Pablo, to the point that she looks like she’s going to cry near the end. Harrison finally backs off, and poor Nikki can’t get out of there fast enough. I feel like I just saw Chris Harrison’s dark side.

Mercifully, they wrap up the Red Crapet, usher everyone into the studio and get the show started. Cut to Los Angeles, and Farmer Chris rides around downtown on his Harley after making the fastest cross-country trip in history. We get some shots of him pulling his shirt off, trying on suits, posing for the camera. Off to Bachelor Mansion, where we get to see Chris take a shower and walk around in a towel. When do the ladies get here, again?

First limo arrives, and Chris already looks nervous enough to throw up. I went through personal details in the last post, so I won’t repeat them here; let’s just do the highlight reel. Away we go…

Britt the Waitress – She starts crying. Right out of the gate, we have tears. This season is going to be awesome.

Whitney the Nurse – SHE’S SOOOO BUBBLY! I’m waiting for her to do a cheer.

Kelsey the Counselor

Megan the Make-up Artist – “Hello Blondie!” Chris likey.

Ashley I the Journalist

So, the first limo is down, they’re all hot, and Chris looks like his head is going to explode. I’m not entirely sure he makes it through the night in one piece.

Trina the Special Ed Teacher – She makes Chris giggly!

Reegan the Cadaver Girl – she gives him a human heart, then sees the horrified look on his face, and tries to backpedal. “Oh, don’t worry. It’s not real.” Sure. Neither is the head in your freezer.

Tara the Fisherman – cut-offs and boots? We get it, you’re down to earth, you only date guys in pick-ups – but it comes off a little trashy. And then she orders a Jameson on the rocks, and my opinion changes completely. She’s a bit of alright in my book.

Amber the Bartender

Nikki the (Former) Cheerleader

Tara the Fisherman (part II) – sneaks back into the limo and comes out a second time in a cocktail dress. Nice move. I officially like this one. Let’s just hope that tattoo doesn’t have her ex-boyfriend’s name on it:

Wait – didn’t her profile say no tattoos? Of course, as the night will show, Tara likes a drink or eight, so it’s entirely possible she doesn’t know it’s there. Benefit of the doubt.

Fucking Crazy Amanda (her words, not mine) – Does something with a card and a secret admirer thing, walks away without introducing herself. I guess in addition to cooking and paying bills, she doesn’t like saying ‘hi’ either.

Jillian the Producer – I’m aggressive! I workout!

Mackenzie the Dental Assistant

Ashley S the Hair Stylist – Chris is SMIT-TEN. She’s sticking around a while, no matter how drunk she gets (foreshadowing!).

Kaitlyn the Dance Instructor – My Drunk Craig is here, and she doesn’t disappoint. “You can plow the fuck out of my field any day.” Wow. So that’s how it is on Pirate Island. Farmer Chris looks like he’s going to pass out after that line. Luckily Chris Harrison is there to slap him across the face.

Get it together, man!

This kid spent his entire life in a town of 400 people, and now he’s surrounded by this much hotness? He’s in BIG trouble. Chris Harrison gives our man a half-time break to get to know some of the ladies before the second wave arrives.

Pirate Kaitlyn tries to lighten the mood in the room by telling a joke. “Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To find a tight seal.” Cue the crickets.

Nurse Whitney is really upbeat. And she talks a LOT. She’s like a fish; if her mouth stops moving, she dies.

Fucking Crazy Amanda (her words, not mine) finally introduces herself. She has super-big and intense eyes, and it creeps me out a little bit. I feel like she’s looking through the back of my skull.

Round 2:

Samantha the Designer – who walks into a cold room, because the other girls have sooo totally bonded over the last 3 hours. Like, these new girls don’t even deserve to be here.

Michelle the Cake Maker

Juelia the Esthetician

Becca the Chriropractic Assistant – Chris is so attracted to her, he literally can’t speak.

Tandra the Assistant – shows up on a motorcycle in her dress. She’s staying.

Alissa the Flight Attendant  – a little bubbly, but not in an a Whitney-In-You-Face way

Jordan the Student – who barely manages to stumble out of the limo and slur her way through an introduction. We officially have our first drunk of the night.

Nicole the Real Estate Agent – She’s wearing a pig nose? Come again?

Brittany the WWE Girl – shows up in a negligee, and not a good one. She might want to think floor-length next time.

Carly the Cruise Ship Singer – sings a song that makes my dog jump out of her bed and start frantically running around the house. She looks like a Disney character, only more cartoonish.

Tracy the Teacher – Brings a note form her kids. Cute

Bo the Plus-Sized Model

Kimberly the Yoga Girl

Kara the Soccer Coach

Jade the Cosmetics Developer – Not only can Farmer Chris not speak, he can’t even look her in the eye. The only reason she doesn’t make the Final Four is because Chris is too intimidated to talk to her.

The feeding frenzy starts and our Farmer looks like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Girls are stealing him away from other girls, claws are coming out, and tempers are flaring. And then Farmer Chris delivers the line of the night: “I wish I was a polygamist right now.” That sounds good on paper, buddy, but why don’t you check back with us in about 6 weeks. I got a hunch your opinion might change a bit.

Ashley S is starting to grow crazy eyes. She babbles about people being onions, and she wants to cut them and peel them, then she interrupts the WWE girl in the most awkward way I’ve ever seen on this show – which is saying something. She also wants to run through sunflower fields. On a horse. Then, she completely loses her train of thought:

Is that an onion? Look at that freaking onion! Wait! It’s a pomegranate. Woowww…

Have another cocktail, sweetie. [Note: Farmer Chris was on Kimmel later that night, and when questioned about Ashley being normal or crazy, Chris took approximately .000002 seconds to blurt out “Crazy”.]

Tara: My best friends are Jameson, Johnnie Walker, and Jack Daniels (Buuurrrrp)

Jade is conversing and looking fetching and Chris is digging her act, and I’m convinced she’s getting the first impression rose. But, as usual, I have no idea, etc, etc, and he gives it to Britt – for crying, I guess. AND we have our first make-out session of the season! On episode 1! Get it on! Why did I ever doubt this guy? The audience is all gaga over Britt, except for Michelle Money, who heard a rumor that Britt doesn’t shower. And Michelle $ sleeps with Cody, a guy that walks around in a tank-top, lifting rocks all day. So, if she thinks you stink, well…that’s certainly not a good thing.

Time for the first rose ceremony of the season, and our boy is looking pretty pale. Is it possible he throws up on the first night?

Making the cut:

Britt the Crying Waitress – first impression rose

Kaitlyn the Foul Mouthed Dance Instructor and Queen of Pirate Island

Jade the Cosmetics Developer

Samantha the Fashion Designer

Ashley I the (Slightly Insecure) Journalist

(a lot of brunettes so far…)

Tandra the Motorcycle Riding Assistant

Nikki the (Former) Cheerleader

Kelsey the Counselor

Megan the “Hello Blondie” Make-Up Artist

(Tara, who’s been drinking like it’s an Irish wake, is about to pass out)

Alissa the Flight Attendant. And her Seat Belt.

Amber the Bartender (Tara LOVES her)

Juelia the Esthetician

Becca the Intimidating Chiropractic Assistant

Trina the Spec Ed Teacher

(Tara yawns and almost falls over; the wheels are coming off, fast. Farmer Chris has seen enough and leaves the room. He was going to pick her, but now he’s not sure. He asks Chris Harrison what he should do, and Harrison says “your call, bro. But between you and me, drunk chicks make for good tv, You might want to keep her around for a few weeks.” Farmer Chris deliberates and comes back.)

Mackenzie the Way Too Young Dental Assistant

Tracy the Invisible Fourth Grade Teacher

Tara the Sloppy Drunk Fisherman!

Farmer Chris: Tara, will you accept this rose?

Tara: Sure, I can walk your dog. But only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Jordan the Student – who just returned from Spring Break in Cancun and is also wasted. Clearly, Farmer Chris gained an appreciation for easy prey in Iowa. He only needs to pick Ashley S to complete the Drunk Girl Sweep.

Jillian the Buff News Producer

Whitney the INSANELY BUBBLY FERTILITY NURSE! YAYYYY!

Cruise Ship Carly – (Really? The Disney Character? Ashley S would look worried, if she knew where she was)

Ashley S the Pomegranate Loving Hair Stylist – and the sweep is complete! Chris likes ‘em drunk!

Going home:

Reegan the Organ Trafficker– don’t give someone body parts when you first meet them

Nicole the Real Estate agent – ditto with the pig nose

Fucking Crazy Amanda (her words, not mine)

Michelle the Cake Maker

Brittany the WWE girl

Bo the Plus-Sized Model

Kara the Soccer Coach

Kimberly the Yoga Instructor – who decides to trade in her yoga pants for crazy pants and tearfully walks back into the mansion talk to Chris, BUT you have to wait until next week to find out happens. Booo…

To wrap it all up, we get the obligatory sneak peek at the upcoming season. Hot air balloons, champagne, the Grand Canyon, motorcycles, bikinis, river rafting, hockey, handguns, country music, Vietnam (maybe? Might be somewhere else) and Farmer Chris mauling women like a tiger cub! Oh yeah, and drama, drama, drama! These girls are melting down like ice cream on a hot summer day. And it looks like Chris deals with the final three scenario pretty much like we all thought he would – sweating bullets and ready to puke. Full speed ahead!

Until next time…Stay classy, Bachelor Nation!