It’s week 2, and we have 22 women left. Twenty-two. In Bachelor Season 1, Alex Michel gave out 15 roses the first night. Sean Lowe had 19. Who says there’s no inflation? I guess The Producers figure more women = more crazy, and Farmer Chris is going to be drowning in drama before the season is over.
When we last left our intrepid hopefuls, Kimberly Yoga/Crazy Pants was walking back into the mansion to tearfully ask Chris for a second chance, and none of the ladies are happy about it, least of all Kaitlyn, the Foul Mouthed Dance Instructor.
Remember 2 minutes ago when he said goodbye to you? Goodbye means get out, see ya never.
There’s no second chances on Pirate Island. Kimberly whimpers about not getting a chance to talk to him, and feeling like she’s supposed to be there, etc. And since it’s pretty much impossible for Farmer Chris to be the bad guy, so he agrees to keep her around for another week, making it 23 women. Dear lord. And with that, the go-to strategy for getting a rose has been established: cry a lot or talk about some kind of personal tragedy, and there’s no chance the big softie can do anything to make you feel worse, like send you packing. So, Kimberly comes back with a target tattooed squarely on her back, and we cut to Chris Harrison…
So, be honest: do you remember anything from last night?
…and I immediately slap Lovely Better Half on the knee and shout: ”He’s talking to Tara!” Unfortunately, he’s talking to Farmer Chris, and they go through the “get ready to start your journey” spiel, and then Harrison runs to off to meet the girls and deliver the first date card. But before he hands it off, he casually lets it slip that Chris is staying a mere stones-throw away, in a house on the same compound. Let the late-night shenanigans ensue. First date card is a group date – “Show me your country”:
Jade the Cosmetics Developer that Chris can’t look at without averting his eyes
Tandra the Motorcycle Girl
Ashley I the Journalist who strikes me as a bit insecure
Mackenzie the mother who’s barely old enough to drink
Kimberly Yoga, who downward-dogged her way back into the competition
Tara the Fisherman, who doesn’t look happy to be up before noon
The ladies show up at a rooftop in downtown LA, for a pool party, and then they walk around the streets in their bikinis. I imagine it’s pretty uncomfortable, but hey, at least they don’t have to sing with Boys II Men or make some ridiculous rap video about the being there for the “right reasons” (looking at you, Andi and Desiree). Personally, I think they’re getting off light. The Producers set-up a tractor race and Tara the Fisherman is a bit too excited, because a) tractor racing puts her “right in her element” (really?) and b) it gives her a free opportunity to drive drunk without getting arrested. After a panicked discussion with ABC’s general counsel, The Producers lock the transmissions in low gear so no one ends up really hurting themselves, and Ashley I wins the slowest race in the history of motorsports. She gets a little alone time with our strapping young farmer, and they sit on a tractor for a while. BTW, call me crazy, but has Jade come back down to earth a little bit?
She went from “too stunning to look at” last night to “pretty average in the daytime”. Cosmetics developer, huh? Anyway, Chris gives the group date rose to Mackenzie; Ashley I freefalls into a spiraling pit of self-doubt and Tara starts crying as she wanders haphazardly through the streets of Los Angeles, looking for an open liquor store.
One-on-one with Mackenzie:
Mac: Did you get your ear pierced?
Farmer Chris: Yes!
Mac: You have a big nose. I love big noses! [giggle]
Mac: Do you believe in aliens?
FC: [worried face] Do you?
Mac: Ummmm…[giggle] I have a secret to tell you. Want to hear it? [giggle].
Mac: I have a kid. [giggle] Want to see a picture? Want to see the face he makes when he’s surprised? Want to see him in his crib? Want to see one of his poops? [giggle] I have all kinds of pictures, except of his dad, of course. [giggle]
FC: Uhhh, sure….
Her kid is a year old, so she went through the casting process when he was what, 6 months? 9 months, maybe? I guess things didn’t work out so well with the father. I have a kid, and I guarantee you I wasn’t looking for a relationship when he was 6 months old. I was looking for a quiet house and a full night’s sleep. As with Kelsey, this one might be jumping in a little soon, methinks. I’d bet anything that Chris isn’t into her at all, but there’s no way he can bring himself to send home a single mom, so it’s a rose and a make-out session for Mackenzie. This guy is so nice, I honestly don’t know how he sends anyone home. We might still have 19 women around by week 8, and Prince Farming will be sweating through his suit and vomiting in a bucket trying to narrow the field down to 3 in one rose ceremony. God, I hope it plays out that way. That truly would be the most shocking…rose ceremony…in Bachelor history!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jillian the News Producer that Will Never Leave DC and Megan the Not-So-Bright Makeup Artist sneak over to Chris’s house. That didn’t take long! Megan puts on Chris’s motorcycle helmet and starts smacking her head against the walls, the fridge – pretty much any solid object she can find. Someone needs to intervene; I’m not sure this girl can afford to lose any more brain cells. And what is going on with Jillian’s bathing suit?
I can understand blurring out the back if she’s wearing a thong or something, but why the front? Is it a front thong? A Frong? As it turns out, it’s just Wrong. Later in the show, a wasted Jordan decides to cut loose and tell the viewing audience that Jillian has the “hairiest ass she’s ever seen. Like, inside her ass crack. VERY close to several of my ex-boyfriends. She needs to take a weed-whacker to that thing.” Paints quite a picture, doesn’t it? I like Jordan, but she’s on permanent spring break. And hey, I have no problem with her having a good time. I was a student once, too. I was always looking for a good time. But, you know what I wasn’t looking for? Marriage. Oh, and there’s this:
Twerk it out, bitches!
Next, Juelia the Esthetician takes a moment to announce to the girls that she has a daughter, and that the dad killed himself when she was born. W.T.F. Two widows on one show. Can Chris send either one of them home? Again, 19 girls by week 8 – you heard it here first. After a moment, Lovely Better Half breaks the stunned silence in our living room: “She has braces. See? Right there, on her bottom teeth.” Thanks for bringing me back, babe.
Solo date card! It’s for Megan the Makeup Girl, who’s still a little dizzy from smacking her head into the wall. “Love is a natural wonder”. Megan is a little confused as to whether it’s an invite for a date or just a nice note. Has she seen this show before? Does she know what she’s doing here? As Tara the Drunken Fisherman would say, she’s a couple beers short of a six-pack.
Chris picks up Megan, and after 5 minutes of explaining to her again why he’s there, they take a private jet to Las Vegas, then a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon. This is the just first one-on-one date, btw. My man negotiated the hell out of this season. They’re having a great time, because honestly, you could have a good time with Kim Jong Un on this date. They land by a river and the pilot immediately gets out and practically runs from the helicopter.
Is it about to blow up? Does he have to go to the bathroom? What’s up with the quick exit?
They have a picnic while the pilot relieves himself and Megan decides to unload her sob story. Her boss told her to go on the Bachelor, and three days after she got the call from the production staff, her dad died of a massive heart attack. It’s going to be an awfully uncomfortable flight back to LA if Chris says no to her now, so it’s a rose and a make-out session for Megan! If you’re counting at home, that’s 2 girls that Chris has mauled this episode, and he’s just getting started.
The second group date card arrives – “Till death do us part”
Kelsey, Widow #1
Trina, who does her best Three’s Company impersonation:
Alissa the Flight Attendant
Tracy the…who is this, again?
Jillian and her uncomfortably blocked out bikini
Becca the Chiropractic Assistant
Amber the Bartender
Ashley S, who packs her crazy eyes, just in case
Juelia, widow #2
Kaitlyn the Dance Instructor
Britt the Waitress
The limo pulls into a deserted construction site and actors dressed like zombies start banging the windows; sending the girls into a fit of hysterics. All except for Ashley S, who seems completely unfazed:
Look! The faces in my mind are back! This is comforting…
Me: What’s the big deal? There’s camera crews all over the place. Do they really think something is going to happen to them?
LBH: No, but you might get scared and pee yourself. I’m with them on this.
Me: So this irrational bathroom fear is a real thing?
LBH: It’s not irrational.
Get your paintball guns ready, because we’re going on a zombie hunt! Everyone is fired up; and then Ashley starts rambling about shooting all the other girls, and everyone starts to get a little nervous. About 5 different people explain to her in great detail that she’s only supposed to shoot zombies, and they let everyone loose. Great fun is had by all, though Ashley takes it a little too far when she starts shooting guys that are already lying down and kicking them to make sure they’re dead. I don’t think she realizes they’re actors and not real zombies. Have you ever been hit by a paintball? It freaking hurts, and if this bimbo shot me point blank and then kicked me, I might “re-animate”, take that gun away and shoot her a couple times myself. And things only get weirder. Ashley is distracted by a candle. Ashley talks to angels, Ashley is nuts. She interrupts Farmer Chris’s interview:
FC: Uh, hi, Ashley.
Ash: I want to find the truth.
FC: Are you ok?
Ash: I don’t know what you’re asking me right now.
FC: I’m asking you if you’re OK.
Ash: Is this May Sever Day?
FC: Is this what?
Ash: MESA VERDE!
FC: I don’t think so.
Ash: Your leather smells great.
Ash: You don’t want to lose the world. You don’t want to lose your soul.
FC: That’s true.
Ash: Ok, thanks!
And off into the restricted construction zone she goes.
On a more normal note, Chris hangs out with, and then makes out with, Kaitlyn. Then he gives a coupon for one kiss to Britt and they make out, and this one looks like it’s for real!
He’s mauling her like a tiger at a Siegfried and Roy show! The date rose goes to Kaitlyn, and 50mg of Clozapine to Ashley.
The Cocktail Party – or Everyone Take a Number and Make Out With Chris
Chris and Amber talk for a couple seconds and then make-out.
Whitney gives him some whiskey. No kiss for you!
Ashley I the Journalist confesses to Mackenzie the Mom that she’s a virgin, and she’s scared she’ll be sent home. Mackenzie has a different take: “You’re a virgin? That’s AMAZING. I’m so jealous. I totally wish I was a virgin. You should definitely tell him; he’ll love it. [then her eyes get distant and her voice goes soft] Because all guys want a virgin. So they can take your virginity away from you…” …and never call you again? Even after you tell them you’re pregnant? This story is starting to sound a little personal. Anyway, Ashley sits down with Chris and they maul each other:
She sure doesn’t kiss like a virgin. That one looks for real, too – like Final Four real. Mackenzie is mind-boggled. She wishes the guy that impregnated her had kissed her like that. Or told her his real name.
Jordan is wasted again. She feels infatuated by Chris. Or maybe it’s just the open bar. She throws herself at him like its Thursday night and she doesn’t have Friday classes, but it just comes out awkward and weird and he giggles uncomfortably and it’s time for the rose ceremony. I have a feeling spring break is coming to an early end for our girl Jordan.
Farmer Chris: I’ve never met such a great group of girls, They’re all so easy.
CH: Yeah, that’s great, but you’re keeping that nutjob Ashley around for another week, right?
Farmer Chris: Yeah, Chris, just like you told me.
Megan, Kaitlyn and Mackenzie already have roses
Britt the Waitress – Final Four material. Chris likey
Ashley I – Also Final Four material. Is she a virgin because she’s waiting for marriage, or just picky?
Trina – That 70’s girl
Kelsey – widow #1
Samantha – I thought this was Kimberly Yoga Pants. Who is this?
Juelia – Jillian hears it wrong, walks out instead and falls on her hairy ass. Awkward.
Amber the Bartender and her Teddy Bear
Tracy – Who? Gone next week
Jillian – Whew…makes that slip a little less embarrassing
Jade – Chris can look her in the eye now. Not sure if that’s good or bad for her.
Nicki – Seriously, are these girls new?
Becca – The chiropractic assistant who…did nothing I can remember
Carly Cruise Ship – Again? Doesn’t she have a Disney on Ice show she needs to perform in?
Whitney and the Whiskey Bottle
(one rose left, and it’s down to Drunk, Drunk and Insane. Who will it be?)
Ashley S – Yes! Crazy wins every time!
Closing time, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here:
Tandra – this one surprised me a little, I thought she had a shot.
Jordan – who’s not looking forward to sobering up
Alissa – Welcome to Bachelor Air! We’re just leaving Los Angeles County, and if you look out the left side of the plane, you’ll see Dumpsville, Population: Me!
Kimberly Yoga Pants – “You deserve the best. And don’t come back a second time.”
Tara the Fisherman – Chris tells her she’s incredible and that she has tattoo on her back, in case she didn’t know. Tara is a hot mess. This will haunt her for the rest of her life She doesn’t know why her relationships never work out. If she knew, she would fix it. Uh-huh. I wonder what it could possibly be? What’s that one, elusive thing that could be sabotaging her potential romances? Oh well, have another drink; we’ll figure it out later.
And now they’re cheersing, and I don’t even have a drink. I’ll always regret this…that drink not drunk…
That’s all folks. Next week: Jimmy Kimmel! Looking forward to this one!
And now, let’s look at Jordan passed out on the couch.