So, I’m running very late this week because a) I was hung over for 2 days from playing the Official Bachelor ‘Amazing’ Drinking Game (foreshadowing!) and b) Lovely Better Half and I took the family to sunny Southern California for an impromptu vacation. I’ll tell you straight-up: there is an entire circle of Hell dedicated solely to driving a car with a screaming baby in the back. And, yeah, I get it – he’s just a baby, the car seat’s uncomfortable, he gets bored, he doesn’t know how to handle it – whatever. You can explain to the gazelle all the reasons why the lion needs to hunt, but it doesn’t suck any less when he’s running for his life through the Serengeti. We either figure out how to soundproof the back seat, or our road trips are going to be limited to a 45 minute radius until The Boy is 6 years old.

In other semi-related news before we get started: how about Andi and Josh breaking up literally 30 seconds after the premier aired? Shocking. On the bright side, Josh has more time to go Young King Aaron’s football games, practices, workouts and post-game interviews, as well as making sure he’s eating right, checking his body mass index, washing his car, giving him motivational speeches, and chaperoning him on dates. (btw, Aaron Murray ended his engagement 5 days ago – and that’s not a joke. You’re telling me that wasn’t coordinated? I can hear Older Brother Josh brow-beating young Aaron into submission. “C’mon dude, it’ll just you and me again!”). And Andi can go back to keeping the mean streets of Atlanta safe at the District Attorney’s office. What’s that? She quit her job, hired an agent and wants to start a fashion line? Well, well, well; look who turned out to be a shallow fame-whore after all? I get why some (ok most) of the ‘contestants’ try to hold on to their 15 minutes, but she has a law degree from Wake Forest, for crying out loud. Does regular life really suck that much? As my mind wanders back to 7 hours of ear-piercing infant dissatisfaction, I’m starting to lean towards ‘yes’. I hope I always remain anonymous; that first bite of fame might just be too sweet to resist.

One last thing: what about Crazy-Pants Nick? Has he been patiently waiting for this moment to arrive? Does he have a contingency plan in place, and he just has to press control-s (for ‘stalk’) and a series of emails and text messages get sent, plane tickets get booked, and Neil Lane gets brought up on speed dial? Can Chris Harrison get a camera on this guy, please?

Four hundred words in, and I haven’t even started the episode. No wonder nobody reads this thing all the way through. Let’s get going. This week, we have a guest host! Filling in for the entirely over-worked Chris Harrison is Jimmy Kimmel, who walks into the converted garage that Farmer Chris uses for a house and wakes him up from a peaceful slumber. On a personal note, I love Jimmy Kimmel and this is exactly how I want to wake up everyday:

You see that when you open your eyes, and you know it’s gonna be a good day. Chris looks confused enough that I honestly don’t think he knew about this ahead of time. Kimmel heads over to the real house to meet the ladies, and they go suitably crazy:

Omigod! It’s Jimmy Fallon!! Wait, what? Who’s Jimmy Kimmel?

Kimmel starts in with the monologue, eventually telling the girls that he will be having sex with all of them. They mostly laugh, except for Carly, who looks like she might think it’s true.

Do I really have to sleep with him? Gosh, it’s just like cruise ship interviews all over again…

Jimmy also introduces the Amazing Jar. If you say the word ‘amazing’ you have to put a dollar in the jar. Sounds simple enough. Since I always enjoy playing along at home, I figure I’ll have a drink every time someone says it, and we’ll see whether or not I make it to the end of the episode. (ed note: the last half hour was touch and go)

The first date card is Foul-Mouthed Kaitlyn – You’re about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings and unlimited hor d’oeuvres await. The first date was a private jet and helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon. The next one should be amazing, right? (drink!) Wrong.

Kaitlyn: Are we really going here?

Can we have Kimmel host every week? And by asking that, have I added myself to Chris Harrison’s Hit List, along with Juan Pablo, Andi and Josh? I’m throwing my fake passport and emergency cash in a go-bag just in case. They get the predictably quirky shopping list, and then embark on a John Hughes-worthy shop-cute scene. Then they maul in a ball:

LBH: I think it’s a great first date.

Me: Sure. Making out in a giant ball is cool. A private jet and a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon is pretty cool, too.

Back to the house to prepare dinner, then make-out on the couch for a while, but it’s not too hot-n-heavy and I get the impression they like hanging out, but the chemistry isn’t really there. I’m officially nervous for my Foulmouthed Dark Horse. Kimmel shows up, does a little standup routine, and then cuts to the chase:

Kimmel: Would you be upset if Chris made sweet, sweet love to two other women in the Fantasy Suite?

Kaitlyn: Absolutely not, it’s part of the process. You can’t pick out a car without test driving.

Farmer Chris: Amen.

I hope Kaitlyn really does get her own island someday, because the rules on Pirate Island sound amazing (drink). Chris makes a speech, gives her a rose (because what guy wouldn’t after that answer), and then they exchange more awkward, close-mouthed pecks in the hot tub while Kimmel eats chicken.

Back at the house, let’s see how the Amazing Jar is doing:

That’s a lot of dollars in not a lot of time. They were all in the room when Kimmel explained the rules, right? Or do they all have the attention span of a goldfish? Anyway, group date card comes:

Britt Bartender

Jillian Hairy Ass

Becca Chripractic Assistant

Tracy Teacher

Mackenzie Mom

Kelsey Widow #1

Amber Bartender

Ashley S and her Crazy Eyes

Juelia Widow #2

Samantha Fashion Designer

Nicki Cheerleader

Carly Cruise Ship

“Are you ready to meet some real party animals?”

The girls get ready for the date. They’re checking their hair, doing their makeup, trying on their cutest outfits – and then there’s Jillian, who’s in the courtyard, getting jacked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian. We finish the frankly disturbing work-out portion of the night with Jillian saying to the camera: “I would be scared of me.”

Mission accomplished

Everyone meets in a field for the Hoe down-Throw down – basically a Ninja Warrior course for farmers, complete with corn-shucking, goat milking, pig chasing, and shit-shoveling. Notables:

Ashley S isn’t a farm girl. She makes it through the corn shucking, then stands in the goat pen with an empty jar in her hand and a look on her face that says “not happening. The only way this glass gets filled is if that goat milks itself.”

Jillian’s shorts are apparently a site to behold – or not behold, as your preferences go. Even Mackenzie, who hasn’t shown a mean-spirited bone in her entire body, is talking smack. I’m officially in the “Jillian Needs to Cover Up” camp.

Amber’s glad she didn’t have to milk the goat, because she doesn’t like the taste of anything “salty and warm” in her mouth. Annnnd, this will be your last week on the show; thanks for playing.

Cruise Ship Carly wins, and she starts twirling in a circle, singing “Let it gooo, LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOO!!”  She doesn’t, but I bet she secretly wants to. Her prize: she gets to reenact American Gothic, plus a t-shirt that says “I gagged on goats milk and chased a pig around, and all I got was this lousy picture”. What a rip-off. Cody took the same picture in week 1, and he didn’t have to drink warm goat milk. Though, you know he drinks it anyway. Massive protein, bro!

Seriously? NO private date?                                 Dude, can I ask Pirate Girl out when you dump her?

At the group date later that night:

Realizing that Farmer Chris is probably going to kiss every girl on the date, Carly pulls him away for the first make-out session of the night, thus minimizing her chance of catching herpes – this week at least.

Amber – dance and a kiss.

Jillian – maul, because Chris is scared to say no to her.

Becca- She talks a lot, he nods a lot. When he’s had enough conversation, Chris leans in for the kiss and Becca rips a hug from the jaws of making out. Clearly, she didn’t get the playbook for this season.

Mackenzie starts freaking out about the whole kissing thing, because, you know, every time she’s kissed a boy, she’s gotten pregnant. So she does the least smart thing anyone could do at this point and confronts Chris about all the girls he’s been kissing. Have I mentioned before that she’s 21 years old? I have? Ok, let’s check out their conversation.

Mac: ok, umm [giggle] umm…you remember that first night when we [giggle] you know…maybe kissed a little.

FC: yes

Mac: then why are you kissing everyone else too? [to the point, no giggle, clearly not happy. She’ll probably be less happy when she gets sent home tonight]

FC: Umm. Well, honestly…huh. That’s a good question.

Mac: [cold stare, still not giggling]

FC: Well, Mackenzie, sometimes when 2 grownups like each other, they want to express their feelings with more than just words, and one of those ways is kissing each other on the lips.

Mac, Yeah, ok, I was just wondering [giggle].

FC: [thinking to himself] How soon can I send this girl home and not look like an asshole?

Group date rose goes to…Becca. The rest of the girls are obviously disappointed, except for Ashley S, who’s flabbergasted that Becca got anything.

I’m with you on this, Ashley.

The second one-on-one date card comes and it’s for Whitney – “Today is going to be fun. No whining!” Lucky for her, sucking helium and squeaking like the Queen of the Munchkinland is still on the table. They go to a winery, and hang out on a hill, trying to make conversation.

Minnie Mouse: So what are you looking for in a girl?

Farmer Chris: someone who can roll the cob.

Minnie Mouse: Oh, I don’t do that before the third date.

Conveniently, their date spot is on a hill above a wedding, and out of nowhere, they decide to crash it! Just like Wedding Crashers! It will be so amazing (drink)! Just as convenient, they have formal wear in the limo, so they change outfits and join the party. This wasn’t set up ahead of time. No chance at all. BTW, I think I saw JP and Ashley in the background somewhere. They make the rounds, and Whitney actually spins a pretty good game. She seems cool and fun, and I’m a fan of this girl. Then I think about the high-pitch squealing in bed, and I start to waver. Is it rude to wear earplugs during sex? As for Farmer Chris, I don’t know if it’s the open bar talking, but the man is over-the-moon; he’s practically gushing about her. We hear the first “I can absolutely imagine [insert here] being my wife” of the season and Whitney gets a rose and a maul by the catering truck. I’m calling a third Final Four contestant, along with Britt and Ashley I.

Back to the house:

I’m looking for a wife. I’m not here just to shower with Jimmy Kimmel.

And how is the amazing jar doing?

It’s getting full, I’m getting cross-eyed, and I think I’m out of beer. The ladies, however, have no such problems. Jimmy Kimmel announces that they will be canceling the cocktail party (booo!), but will be having a pool party instead (yaayyyy!). Everyone is sooooo excited…

I don’t know what’s going on. I just like saying ‘yayyyyy’!

…except for Ashley I, who’s pissed that she can’t debut her “Kardashian Look”. Does anyone still think she’s moving to rural Iowa when this is all said and done? Chris is excited to spend a fun, lighthearted afternoon with a bunch of women in bikinis; Juelia, on the other hand, isn’t much for half-naked small talk, so she picks this exact moment to unleash the king of all buzz kills and talk about her husband’s suicide. It’s all very depressing, and Chris nods his head with concern like the World Champion of Head Nodding, but I think he’s just calculating the appropriate amount of time before he can send her home. He gives Juelia a comforting hug, and then goes somewhere else to make out with Britt.

Jade invites herself over to his place. He shows her is outdoor bathroom and they test out his bed. Much mauling and porn music ensue. I’m thinking she’s the last entrant into the Final Four.

Jillian sneaks over to hang out in his hot tub and waits for Chris and Jade to finish dry humping. Ashley, Megan, and Mackenzie join their conversation, but alpha-male Jillian chases them away with her commanding voice and strong scent of testosterone. After Jillian finishes manhandling Chris into submission, she allows the lesser females to rejoin the pride. Mackenzie is too awkward to break into the conversation, Megan is too dumb to understand what’s happening, and Ashley is so intimidated, she runs away and cries.

Why can’t she put her penis away for one minute?

Eventually, Ashley I. steals Chris away while Jillian runs off to do 100 dead lifts (3 sets – get some!). She tries to talk through her chardonnay haze for about 30 seconds and then they both give up and attack each other. And now, insecure Ashley feels confident again.

Rose ceremony

First off, Prince Charming tries to say ‘Jimmy’ and instead says ‘Jade’. Again, Final Four. Secondly, Ashley I: “I’m a nine on confidence level today. I let him know, that I very much appreciate being called near the beginning, just to let me know.” A) You have a 1-10 confidence scale? B) You’re getting picked last. Does that drop you to a 4.5?

Staying

Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses

Jade – nice tiara, came back strong after a disappointing week 2

Samantha – who

Juelia – a lot of heavy stuff swirling around inside this girl. Might not be ready yet.

Mackenzie – giggle

Kelsey – non-existent this episode

Britt – cute, she’ll make hometowns. No chance she’s moving to Iowa. Maybe next Bachelorette

Megan – “I hope he looks at me!” What?

Carly – When you wissshhhh upon a starrrrrr…

Ashley S – because Chris is scared to cut her. “You cut me, I cut you”

Nikki – Ummm….

Jillian –  high five, bro.

Ashley I – who almost passes out from the tension.

Leaving the mansion forever (or until Bachelor Pad makes a triumphant comeback)

LBH: I don’t know who those people are.

Me: Neither does Chris. That’s why their leaving.

Tracy – seriously, she just showed up today, right? Has she been stuck in a limo for the past 3 weeks?

Trina – Not really around this week

Amber –  “I Guess I should have fought more.” Or said you liked warm, salty liquid in your mouth. She makes a small pitch to be the Bachelorette, then kills it by saying the one thing The Producers never want to hear, “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

Next week, San Francisco! Looking forward to that one.

Now, some highlights of Jillian’s Box: