Week 4 is here, and Chris Harrison starts us off, dressed in his best Host-Casual:

Since I had Kimmel killed, I don’t even bother to dress up anymore. I might stop shaving for the rest of the season, too.

In a wild and crazy change-up, there will be two group dates this week, and Chris’s sisters will be choosing the lucky girl for the lone one-on-one. So we get some uncomfortable family interviews this episode, which should be fun. Harrison drops off the first date card and then disappears to do whatever Chris Harrison does when he’s not working, which is like 98% of the time.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I (who’s confidence level drops to a 3.7 because she’s not getting a one-on-one), Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey – “Let’s do what feels natural.” Kaitlyn dares to suggest that they might – gasp! – do something without makeup! And everyone freaks out. Like, for real, panicked, losing-their-shit, freak outs. Especially Ashley I. who I’m starting to think was born with fake eyelashes and hair extensions.

No makeup?? Confidence level at 2.9!

The whole group hops in a pair of convertibles…

Megan: Yayyy! I’m Thelma and Louise!

Ashley I: Are heading towards that truck?

Seriously, who gave Megan the keys? This girl can’t understand the basic rules of this tv show, and someone put her in control of an automobile? With other people in it? Out of all the stunts The Producers have pulled over the years – bungee jumping, climbing bridges, repelling down buildings – I’m convinced this is closest they’ve ever come to having an actual death on the show. By some miracle, they arrive unharmed at a lake somewhere, and the shorts are not working for Ashley I:

I’m debuting my Kardashian Lake Wear

Though she does take her top off later, which is totally a virgin thing to do. Kaitlyn, not to be outdone, see’s Ashley’s bikini top and raises her one bikini bottom:

Now that’s the proper use of a blackout box.

Kelsey is extremely offended by the nudity. She’s seen this show before, right? They frolic in the water for a bit, than Farmer Chris announces the big surprise: they’re camping by the lake for the night, “because I love camping!” That’s great Chris, but can you guess who doesn’t love camping? Kelsey. Every season needs the pill of the group, and this year, Kelsey is the one stepping up. She goes on, ad nauseum, about how much she hates this date. She wants to be where she wants to be and she doesn’t want to be here. And then a bee stings her in the crotch. Take that, nature-hater. And since there’s one of these people every single season, we all know exactly how this plays out. We are only minutes away from the rest of the girls calling her two-faced, accusing her of acting differently around Chris, and being here for the “wrong reasons.” Much cattiness will ensue, followed by someone feeling the need to inform Chris about Kelsey, probably in 2-3 weeks time. Other notes:

Megan and Kaitlyn manage to set-up their tent first, mostly because Kaitlyn knows how to set-up a tent and Megan knows how to say “yaayyy!”

Ashley I. has never been camping before. Shocker.

Mackenzie is talking about aliens again. Is it possible this girl was abducted? Holy crap, what if she was abducted and impregnated and her baby is half-alien, and the reason the father isn’t around is because he had to go back and save his home planet. What if The Producers set up a surprise jilted-ex-boyfriend visit at the mansion, and he shows up in his spaceship with a dozen roses, begging for Mackenzie to take him back? And if it does happen, does that mean that Chris Harrison actually made the alien baby-daddy sign a confidentiality agreement until the show airs? I so want this to be true.

After 2 weeks of relative silence, Ashley S. decided to pack her crazy eyes for the trip, and starts chanting like a Belgian monk. Then she and Chris sit down for a nice romantic conversation.

Ashley: Are you.

FC: What?

Ashley: What are you?

FC: I’m right here.

Ashley: The moon is so weird to me.

[Then she kisses Chris. He’s terrified, but strangely enjoying it at the same time]

Ashley: I don’t. I love you. I love everything about you. So, I hope that resonates in your mind tonight.

Chris: 

Ashley: Ok, I’ll let you go. But I really won’t let you go.

Chris: Ok.

The group rose goes to Kaitlyn, who says, “This is awesome. And I’m drunk!” I love Kaitlyn. Ashley I, who’s confidence level has plummeted to 1.8, goes to Chris’s tent to tell him she’s a virgin. Because…it seems like…the right thing to do? So, she wakes him up, and says pretty everything except that she’s a virgin. “People see me a certain way”, “I’m not as liberal as people think”, “I haven’t experienced a lot of things in this world” – you get the idea. The only one who doesn’t get the idea is Chris, because honestly ladies, it is virtually impossible for us to read between the lines. Even if you tell us something directly, it usually takes a couple times for us to understand. Men are just not that smart.

Back at the mansion, we have the one-on-one date interviews with the sisters:

“Yes! I’d love to move to Iowa!”

“Of course, my number one priority is raising a family.”

“Even though I live in a city, I feel like a country girl at heart.”

“I really feel like I’m clicking with Chris more than the other girls.”

“I wouldn’t even be here if Chris wasn’t the Bachelor.”

“PickmepickmepickmepickmepickmepickmePLEEEASE PICK ME!”

And then there’s this:

Dude, I did soooo many squat lunges today.

And the date card goes to Jade – “Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening from 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. It’s a secret; the prince doesn’t know you are coming.” Jade is whisked off to a princess room by a fairly creepy looking woman with Carrot-Top hair, and she’s doted upon and showered with and cared for, etc etc. Most of the girls are suitably jealous, but Ashley I. looks like someone just kicked her dog. THEN, Jade finds out that she gets to keep the shoes and the diamond earrings. Now, Ashley looks like she wants to stab somebody in the eye with an ice pick. “Why does she get to go? I’m the hopeless romantic, ditzy princess. That’s what everyone who knows me says!” Again, does anyone still think she’s moving to Iowa?

Cut to Chris, who’s practicing his ballroom dancing moves before the big night. Jade shows up, and the Farmer looks happy. VERY happy. Like, hometown happy. Jade looks resplendent in her princess get-up, except for tattoo on her back, which was apparently so vulgar that ABC felt the need to blur it out.

It’s a terrible picture, but trust me – there’s a blur mark there. The Producers should have used one of Jillian’s ass-boxes.

What could possibly offend ABC so much? A naked Little Mermaid smoking a joint? Don’t mess with the parent company, baby. They make small talk over dinner; Jade gets the rose, and then one more big surprise! Is it yet another band no one’s ever heard of? Surprisingly, no. It’s a ballroom dance accompanied by an entire symphony, which is actually kind of awesome.

Then again, Disney’s picking up the tab for this one, so of course it’s awesome. Then, adding to the list of Things That Happen Every Season:

Lovely Better Half: Baby, can we take ballroom dancing lessons?

Me: [a resigned sigh….]

They grope each other for a little bit while a guy with a cello watches a little too intently in the background, and then the clock strikes midnight and Jade heads home. She does not leave one of her shoes behind; girlfriend’s keeping that pair.

Back at the mansion, this is happening:

Is this what Chris meant by “rolling the cob”? From the dress to the champagne to the wilted rose and the corn on the cob – I love everything about this picture. The final group date card arrives. Nicki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca – “Let’s get dirty.” They’re all given wedding dresses and take a plane back up to San Francisco. Jillian tells us she feels uncomfortable in a dress. Jillian feels uncomfortable in anything besides a weight belt. They show up for Muckfest, which is basically a tough mudder benefiting Multiple Sclerosis – always classy to raise awareness for a good cause. The winner gets a one-on-one date with Chris, at which point Carly Cruise Ship raises her hand and asks why all she got was a stupid picture for drinking a gallon of goat’s milk. Jillian is so fired up for physical competition that she forgot that Chris is even here. The starting gun fires, and she takes off like she’s been shot out of a cannon. No one else has a chance to win, though Becca does manage to have a good time:

I had balls swinging at my face!

Gee, Becca, is it Friday night already? Of course Jillian wins, breaking the finish line tape in perfect victory formation:

Carly is stunned: “She should be wearing the tuxedo, because she’s a freaking dude. Are her muscles bigger than Chris’s muscles? Is her dick bigger than Chris’s dick?” That’s not nice, Carly, not nice at all. And I bet that comment comes back to bite ya in the Women Tell All episode. The big surprise is that Britt finishes a reasonably close second. I wouldn’t have pegged the waitress/hopeful bachelorette-to-be to have that kind of hustle in her. So, Jillian and Chris hose off and meet at the Fairmont hotel.

Just because San Francisco is so freaking amazing (drink).

Chris tells Jillian that she’s in the top 3. Top 3 what? Strongest women on earth? Bachelorettes to spot him during a work out? Certainly not one of the top 3 to make it to the end of this season, because once she starts talking, she doesn’t stop. And it’s all just inane shit, too. “I’m a super big daddy’s girl”, “a funny thing happened when I was two”, “I’m not a big Cleveland fan”, “would you rather have sex with a homeless woman or abstain from any sex at all for 5 years?” Chris nods….and nods and nods and nods some more, eventually telling the camera that the words are coming out faster than his mind can process and he’s starting to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. Needless to say, she’s done, and the only surprise of the night is that the Nicest Guy in the World actually breaks the bad news on the date. I didn’t think he had it in him, but he’s been surprising me all season with his supreme making out, so I guess I should’ve given him more credit.

Cocktail/Virgin Coming Out Party:

Megan wants Chris to know she’s here for him and him only. That’s good, considering he is the only Bachelor on the show. She feeds him fruit and chocolate, enticing all three of his senses: taste, smell, and the other one.

Ashley I. decides to tell Chris in more direct words that boys can understand that she’s a virgin.

Ashley: So I’m wondering what you got out of our conversation the other night.

Chris: [searching is memory in vain] Um, it was intriguing? I was kind of asleep, but I think you said you were a conservative and then we made out.

Ashley: Actually, I’m a virgin

Chris: Oh. That’s great. I totally respect that. Do you still give hand jobs?

Ashley is so excited, she claps her hands and squeals and runs to tell her bff’s Megan and Mackenzie about the whole thing, like omigod, totally. Her confidence meter is at 9.5 right now! Then, because she has the mood swings of a pregnant woman with bipolar disorder, she drops to 2.4 and has another meltdown on camera.

Even Mackenzie thinks she’s immature, and Mackenzie couldn’t legally enter a bar until 3 months ago. Carly (who’s been coming in hot this episode) isn’t buying Ashley’s story: “I’ve seen her make out with Chris like 13,000 times. Her mouth’s not a virgin.” Seeing all the airtime that Ashley I. has been getting isn’t sitting well with Becca, so she decides to reveal her virginity, too! Kaitlyn (who, I’ll remind you, believes everyone should sleep with everyone – can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise with this girl) is blown away by the fact that there are 2 virgins on the show.

Britt, not learning from Mackenzie’s mistake last week, decides to confront Chris about all of the making out and nudity and general fun stuff that happens on this show every season. She goes after him pretty hard, too, and he gets really flustered and tries to stutter out an answer. Then, Chris has a moment of clarity and realizes he’s the Bachelor and it’s his show and he can do whatever he wants, and he walks away without trying to explain his actions at all. Take charge, brother.

Rose Ceremony

Won’t you stay a little bit longer:

Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses (and Kaitlyn is pre-rosed for the second week in a row)

Whitney – I didn’t hear from her that much this week. My dog did, though.

Carly – apparently life on the cruise ship toughens you up. This girl had some zingers tonight.

Megan – Yayyyy! I LOVE being on Fantasy Island!

Samantha – Seriously, who is this girl? I had to go back and look through my week 1 notes – she’s a fashion designer with a Maltese. It’s week 4; she needs to start talking at some point.

Mackenzie – Ashley I needs to grow up [giggle]

Kelsey – Soon to be the outcast of the group

Becca – also a virgin, but likes balls swinging at her face.

Ashley I. – for Insecure.

Britt – the waitress who wants to be the next Bachelorette – I mean, move to a farm in Iowa and live with Chris (wink, wink).

Girl, don’t go away mad, just go away:

Nikki – the former cheerleader who literally hasn’t said a word this season, except for “Hello” when she stepped out of the limo on opening night.

Ashley S – Chris needs a restraining order and a security detail, asap.

I said I would never…let…you…go…

Juelia – Chris wasn’t feeling it ,and he doesn’t want to string a single mother along – completely fair.

Next week, we’re off to Santa Fe for some river rafting and watching Kelsey devolve into a complete drama queen. Exciting!

And now, let’s close with Ashley S’s simply amazing exit interview (drink). I can’t elaborate on it or make it better in any way. You just need to watch it for yourself. I’ll miss you, Crazy Ashley.