Bachelor Week 5 – Kelsey Makes Ashley S. Look Completely Sane

Strap your helmets on, folks, because shit gets weird this week. We’re off to Santa Fe, New Mexico, and there is much excitement among the ladies, especially Megan:

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I hear Santa Fe is beautiful!. It’s like a beach resort? I’m so excited, because I’ve never been out of the country before! Yayyy!

Here’s a little Spanish to help you out on your trip, Megan – donde esta tu cabeza? They stay at the posh Buffalo Thunder Casino. What’s up with the Indian gaming places? It was the Mohegan Sun for Andi’s season, now Buffalo Thunder. I guess you put a pair of dice in Chris Harrison’s hands, and you need a blow torch and a crowbar to pull him away from the table. That man LOVES the action.

The first one-on-one date card comes and it’s for Cruise Ship Carly – “Let’s come together.” Carly’s happy to finally get a one-on-one date with Chris, but she’s super-crazy-excited to not milk a goat or chase Jillian’s ass-box around a muddy obstacle course.

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The sun’ll come out…tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…there’ll be sun!

A car whisks Chris and Carly off to the Hacienda del Cerezo, which apparently is Spanish for Den of Erotic Southwest Pleasures (are you taking notes, Megan?)

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I’ll bet you $1000 she gave herself that name at Burning Man 4 years ago.

Yes, they are meeting with an Intimacy Mentor. On a first date. Nothing weird or uncomfortable about that. Carly breaks down and tells us she’s terrified of physical intimacy. Chris pumps his fist and shouts “Threesome!” The love guru waves some burning sage around the room, makes them chant and blindfold each other, and says things like “The more transparent we can be, the deeper you’ll go.” Annnd, that’s what she said. Some highlights:

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It’s all pretty weird to me – and I live in Marin. I watched Lovely Better Half give birth to our child. Suffice to say, there aren’t a lot of secrets between us, and I’d be uncomfortable on this date. I have no idea how Chris and Carly are dealing with it. Burning Man Girl tries to get them to take their clothes off, you know, so they can be more intimate with each other. And the camera crew. And everyone watching at home. However, Chris mercifully puts a stop to the madness, and they settle for sitting in an embrace and breathing into each others’ mouths. Whatever. Yet, scoff as I might, this must be the key to unlocking Carly’s Inner Goddess, because this girl is lighting up like a Carnival Cruise on the Fourth of July.

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Carly: I feel so good right now!

Farmer Chris: So…when does the Love Guru get in the mix?

Later that night, they meet in a hotel room – I guess the Fantasy Suites are coming early this year. Carly tells Chris that she hasn’t had sex in a year and a half, because her last boyfriend wouldn’t touch her – like, at all. Perhaps it was because he was a stage performer on a cruise ship and he was gay as the day is long? Don’t beat yourself up, sweetie. You’re not undesirable; you were just someone’s beard. I actually feel bad for Carly, though. She’s cute and sweet and seems like a totally normal girl – though the Land of the Lost vest isn’t working for me.

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Ditch the animal pelt, Cha-ka.

Anyway, she pours her heart out, appeals to Chris’s unquenchable need to care for wounded puppies, and he tells us that “Carly would be the best wife you could ever ask for”. He gives her a rose, and they maul each other like hungry dingoes by the fireplace. Poor Carly has had some tough luck in the love department, and I’m officially rooting for her – though I still don’t think she makes the Final Four.

Back at the house, the Kelsey Show is just getting started. She tells the group about her first husband having a heart attack on the way to work. Ashley thinks it’s weird that she waited 5 weeks to tell anyone that she was a widow. But, it’s not weird that she signed up to be on the Bachelor less than a year after “the most amazing man in the world” died? Do the math. He died in May 2013, and casting was during Juan Pablo’s season, which ended in March 2014. That’s 9 months, max; more likely she signed up 6 or 7 months afterwards. Seems a little soon, no? But, as always, what do I know.

The group date card arrives, and Megan reads it for everyone. Last week she’s driving a car, this week she’s reading out loud; she’s really advancing fast. This show has been good for her. Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha (who still hasn’t spoken), Ashley, and Kelsey – “I’m rapidly falling in love.”

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Kelsey: It’s unacceptable that I’m on a group date.

Kaitlyn: I’m sooo stoned right now.

Kaitlyn thinks its white water rafting, but she was secretly hoping they were going to a rapid fire shooting range, because “that would be awesome.” Again, I’m rooting for Carly, but I love Kaitlyn. They do in fact meet at a river, and Megan is super-excited!

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Yayyy! But I’m worried about what’s in the water. Like, alligators or dead bodies. Is this where Chris Harrison dumped Juan Pablo after he had him killed? Are we not supposed to talk about that?

Their guide is Yosemite Sam, who tells everyone they’re going to drown and then splits them up into two boats. Great, thanks. It gets a little bouncy, but it’s still a long way from class 5 rapids; yet, Jade still manages to fall out of her boat, and we see the return of the ass-box!

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This one’s for you, Jillian, as I raise my glass in a toast and wipe a nostalgic tear from my eye.

Jade milks it for some free foot rubs from Farmer Chris, and the girls go green with envy. That’s ‘verde’ in New Mexican, Megan! Kelsey is particularly peeved, and starts to warm-up her Crazy. “Don’t worry, Chris, I’m fine! No back rub for me, because I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me, so I GET NOTHING!” Calm yourself, por favor.

We segue to the hotel later that night, and suddenly my dog is trying to bury her head between the couch cushions, which can only mean one thing: Whitney is talking!

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Time is the most important thing right now. Time, and a bitchin’ soprano.

Chris is going to meet the girls when, in a completely random twist, he’s stopped by Jordan the Drunken College Student, who was sent home in week 2. She drove all the way from Colorado to tell Chris that she entered rehab, and she actually looks pretty good:

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What a difference 28 days can make. She apologizes and asks for forgiveness (is that step 9?). Chris thinks “why not? I’m sure the girls will understand” and they find a private corner to talk.

Farmer Chris: Yeah, you were putting ‘em back pretty hard. And I try not to judge, because honestly, I like to drink.

Jordan: [sigh of relief] Thank god, I’m about to crawl out of my skin. Shots?

He brings Jordan back to rejoin the group, and predictably, they are not thrilled. Even Megan looks more confused than usual.

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Yaayyy…??

Ashley says Jordan is too much of a party girl, she’s not wife material, and that maybe “she’ll grow up one day.” This is coming from a girl who cries because she can’t wear her Kardashian look to the pool party. Got it. Oh, and turquoise jewelry is apparently the scarf of 2015. And if The Producers are handing out free jewelry, you know salt-of-the-earth Ashley is getting the biggest piece.

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This is going to look so good in Iowa.

The girls take turns talking to Chris, and they run the gamut between bitching about Jordan to (pretend) understanding why Jordan is there. Except for Samantha, who still hasn’t said a word the entire season. Is she an actual, real person? Or is she a wax figure and the girls have to take turns carrying her from set to set? And why is she wearing Carly’s animal pelt from the one-on-one date?

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Sisterhood of the Traveling Vest

Tensions are high, Whitney and Ashley are full-on fighting, and the night is coming apart at the seams. Chris finally admits it was a bad idea to give Jordan a second chance, and he sends her home for the second time. She heads straight to the bar and trades her 1 month sobriety chip for a bottle of bourbon and a pack of Camels. Kelsey tells Chris that she’ll “always admire him”. I’m already sick of this girl and she hasn’t even put it in high gear yet. Megan is crying, though I don’t think she understands why. Maybe it’s just Tears of Yay. The group date rose goes to Whitney, who squeals in ear-piercing joy. Of course, this causes Ashley to have another crisis of confidence. She thinks Whitney is fake and imagines Chris being with someone “super-real” – like, you know, a wannabe Kardashian fashion blogger who dresses like this and still claims to be a virgin:

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The only thing she’s a virgin at is stripping for money. And what does Whitney think about their budding rivalry? “I don’t think Ashley is pretending to be someone she’s not, and that’s the scary thing.” Pow! Minnie Mouse for the win!

Back at Buffalo Thunder, Britt and Carly are hanging out, and it comes to light that Britt hasn’t showered since the season started, which takes ‘nasty’ to all new levels. I guess Michelle Money was right – this girl really doesn’t shower. Her date card comes – “The sky’s the limit” – And Britt freaks out because she’s deathly afraid of heights. Like The Producers didn’t know this ahead of time. If I was going on this show, I’d tell The Producers I was scared pants-less of tequila and group sex.

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What if I have to go skydiving? Or skydive and shower at the same time?!

Chris wakes Britt up before dawn; so, no shower this morning, either. And there’s no way this girl wakes up in full lipstick, makeup and glitter.

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Yet, apparently she does wake up like this, because she actually puts on makeup before she goes to bed, “just in case.” In case of what? The cows escape from the barn in the middle of the night? You have to run into the storm cellar? This girl is gonna fit right in to life on the farm. Britt throws on some dirty socks, turns an old pair of underwear inside out, and digs the least smelly sweatshirt out of her laundry pile, and she and Chris head out to the desert for a hot air balloon ride. I personally don’t get hot air balloons. It sounds romantic on paper, then you get up there, and it’s you…and your girl…and the balloon guy. Having some random dude looking over my shoulder doesn’t put me in the mood for love. And what if you have to pee? Too much can go wrong, not enough right. They eventually make it back to earth and go back to Chris’s room, “to get to know each other”. Britt tells Chris she wants “like a hundred kids”, and he closes the door to his bedroom to make her prove it. A rose and a mid-season Fantasy Suite visit for Britt, then.

Meanwhile, the girls are all bitching about Britt – she’s two-faced, not here for the “right reasons”, she doesn’t shower, etc etc – when Britt comes back from her date, looking like she’s on cloud nine. Cut to Kelsey, who’s getting crazier by the minute. Like, Nurse Ratchet, psychotic crazy.

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Have you taken your medication today, Chris?

She tells the group she was in Chris’s room, and they took a nap for 2 hours. And by in his room, she means in his pants, and by taking a nap, she means taking it deep. This is the final straw for Kelsey, who immediately goes to Chris’s room, because now is the perfect time to wreck his post-coital bliss and tell him she’s a widow. She launches into her perfectly rehearsed tale of woe, and Chris nods compassionately. With all of the heartbreak this season, he has this move perfected by now. A hug and sympathy makeout session for Kelsey. And then she hits us with this: “Isn’t my story amazing? Aren’t I amazing?” Come again?

“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces, and grow into another person, and into another relationship, and I’m so glad that the first kiss is something that can be written into the storybooks.”

Ummm…ok. Out of respect, I’m trying to tread lightly here, but there’s something a little off in how Kelsey is milking this whole widow story. Like, if Lovely Better Half died, I wouldn’t walk around saying “her death has made me look so good! I’m the man since she died!” I don’t know if there’s a reality show or a book deal in the works, but the whole thing sounds borderline opportunistic to me. There’s a real Gone Girl vibe with Kelsey, and it creeps me out a little.

 

Cocktail Party

She speaks!

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Ummm…I’d like some one-on-one time with Chris?

Not exactly eye-opening, Samantha. Everyone is on edge for tonight, except for Kelsey, who’s feeling super-extra-confident because she unloaded her tragic story on Chris, and she knows there’s no way he can send her home now. Chris shows up, and let’s be honest, the man does not have a future in public speaking. He stumbles around a bit, and then has to leave the room. Chris Harrison finally makes an appearance tonight to give our man a pep talk.

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Dude, what’s the deal? I’m in the middle of a 4-day hold ‘em tournament and you pull me away from the table when I’m sitting on a king-high straight? Can’t you do anything yourself?

Kelsey’s really feeling it right now, so she gives an Oscar-worthy speech to the girls, telling them every day is a gift and time is precious. Ugh, what is she talking about? Is anyone buying this crap? Kaitlyn certainly isn’t.

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Can I just slap her now?

Britt puts her arm around Kelsey, reassuringly telling her, “Your pumps still look great.” Kelsey smiles, “I know, right?” and all is well in her world again. Deep. Chris Harrison announces that Farmer Chris is afraid of words, Roxanne, so they’re skipping the cocktail party and going straight into the rose ceremony. And, because it’s a day ending in ‘Y’, Ashley has to have another breakdown:

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Kelsey’s story is so much more traumatizing than mine! Why can’t I have a dead husband? It’s so unfair!

Finally, just to ensure that she’s completely hijacked this episode, Kelsey collapses on the floor in an unrelenting tsunami of drama.

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What exactly is in the yellow bag? Cue cards? Head shots? Her agent’s phone number? And this woman is a guidance counselor. I’d keep my kids away if I were you. Anyway, whatever is in the magic yellow bag, we have to wait until next week to find out, because we get the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED…..Next week, absolutely EVERYONE cries.

 

And now, let’s watch Megan’s video application for the Director of the Mexican Board of Tourism!

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This is my sombrero, which is New Mexican for ‘thinking cap’. I don’t know why they call it New Mexico and not Old Mexico. Or just Mexico. I think it’s because Mexico was first, and then the United States came. Now I just need to learn a New Mexico song. Or a Mexican song. Yayyyy, Macarena!

4 comments

  1. I followed the link here from Jen’s site and so happy that I did! Excellent recaps, sir. Just the right amount of sarcasm, bite and snark. It was really cool to hear a guy’s view of show, recap-wise. Like unitone, once I read your first recap, I had to read them all. Don’t worry, I’ll stay late to get my work done. Consider me a fan – not Kathy Bates “I’m your biggest fan” style or anything – but a fan nonetheless.

    Like

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