When we last left our intrepid hopefuls, Farmer Chris had run out of the rose ceremony to throw up, Chris Harrison was castrating an intern for pulling him away from the high roller table in Buffalo Thunder’s exclusive “Thundering Herd Room”, and Kelsey (henceforth known as Kraysey) was rolling around on the floor in hysterics, asking for her magic yellow bag. We open with some peaceful setting shots of downtown Santa Fe, and then cut to Kelsey: WahhhhOhmyGodIdon’t know!! Whyyyy???!!! My bag!! Ahhhhhhh!!! The brownies are store bought!! From the stooooore!!! Gluten!! Wahaaaajhhhh!!!  The rest of the girls are suitably concerned:

Mackenzie’s the best. She is so over this shit; just end it and call her a cab now. Anyway, the EMT gives Kraysey some oxygen, questions her about the Safeway brownies, and Kraysey magically recovers and asks to speak with Farmer Chris.

FC: Are you ok?

Kray: Yeah. Why?

FC: The medical team said you collapsed and had a panic attack. I could hear you screaming from outside.

Kray: What?! That’s so silly! Nothing happened, I’m fine! [crazy smile]

Now that she’s expelled her inner demons through the mad contortions of a Haitian voodoo dance, Kraysey rejoins the group, happy and smiling:

Sorry, wrong picture. Here we go:

I was saying the most delirious things when I was on the floor! I was talking about the brownies. And then I said my husband’s death wasn’t an accident! Hahahaha!

She gives a few more speeches, the girls give a lot more dirty looks, but it all boils down to Kraysey being a self-centered drama queen, everyone else hating her, and Ashley I. (for Inquisitive) wondering if she’s lying about her husband, and actually asking for paperwork. Awesome. Chris Harrison gently reminds everyone that they haven’t had the actual rose ceremony yet, and he threatens to cut off one of their fingers every 30 seconds until they gather in the foyer.

Moving on:

Cruise Ship Carly, Britt the Waitress, and Whitney the Dog Whistler have roses.

Jade

Kaitlyn

Megan

Becca

Ashley

Kelsey

Moving out:

Mackenzie – who breathes a sigh of relief at finally escaping this shit-show.

Samantha – who tells us that she also had a dark story to tell, but she just decided not to use it. Maybe you should have. Or at least said something while you were here. I’m pretty sure you have to talk to get to know someone.

And what is that all about? Did The Producers run out of limos? Are they making her walk to the airport? “Go to the end of the street, make a left, and you’ll see a cab stand. Make sure to get a receipt, otherwise we won’t reimburse you.”

Next, it’s wheels-up and off to Deadwood, South Dakota. Megan, as always, is excited to be somewhere new:

Yayyy! We’re in Back to Future III!

Carly is happy to be here with 7 wonderful and charming women – and Kraysey. I like Carly more every episode and Lovely Better Half thinks she’s the next Bachelorette. I hope so; that girl has legitimate personality. I hope they film the entire season on a cruise ship – Bachelorette meets the Love Boat. By the way, does anyone remember a show from the early 2000’s called Shipmates? Hosted by Chris Hardwick? If you think the Bachelor is a train wreck, you should’ve seen this. They would send 2 people on a blind date on a 3 day cruise. If you don’t hit it off the first night, too bad; you’re stuck on a boat for 2 more days with nothing to do but drink and fight. It was simply amazing television (drink), and I’m surprised it never took off. But, I digress. While waiting for the date card, Britt and Kraysey chat:

Britt: How do you feel about your relationship with Chris?

Kraysey: I’m in shock over how amazing it is [drink]. I tied up all the loose ends [?], and I’m ready to kill again. I feel alive for the first time in months!

Britt: That’s great, Dexter!

The date card arrives: Becca – “Let’s give love a shot”.

I am not happy. This is not ok. Chris is going to pay for this when we’re finally married.

Becca and Chris go to the Black Hills to ride horses, shoot guns and giggle – all pretty boring. They sit down at a campfire later, and Becca loves Chris’s high-pitched dolphin laugh. Chris thinks Becca is beautiful, has a great sense of humor, and because she’s a virgin, he knows she doesn’t have herpes. Becca opens up with her tale of sorrow. She was hurt in a past relationship and she’s scared of putting herself out there again. In a season of widows and kids and psychotic episodes, Becca’s story is pretty low-grade stuff. She really wants to kiss Chris, but she’s scared her dad might see it. Like, whatev’s, Becca! Be a rebel! Chris gives Becca a rose, and then he gives her dad a coronary, and exchanges closed-mouth pecks with his daughter on national television. There’s not a lot of fire here – Becca’s gone next week.

Back at the house, Carly, Kaitlyn and Minnie Mouse take turns ripping on Kraysey, who conveniently walks in just in time for a Confrontation.

Whitney: Yeah, so, what’s the deal with the theatrics?

Kraysey: Theatrics? Of what do you speak? Hahahaha!

Whitney: Last night. You were flopping around like a fish, speaking in tongues. I think there was a confession in there, somewhere.

Kraysey: Oh, that! I was just clearing an emotional hurdle. I was in a confused state; that confession is totally inadmissible. You need to understand that I’ve been through a lot.

Carly: Yeah, you’re full of shit. You suck and nobody likes you and we’re sick of it.

Kraysey: It’s so cute how you speak like common folk! See, I’m more eloquent, and I like to use big words. Because I’m educated. And really smart. And I’m amazing [drink]. And you’ll all pay for this someday. [cold stare]

The group date card arrives: Whitney, Jade, Britt, Carly, and Megan – “Let’s make sweet music together.”

Megan: What does it mean?

Ashley: We’re going on a date, Megan.

Megan: Why do we keep going on dates? And who’s the man in the suit that shows up every night and says ‘Final rose, ladies’ and then disappears? Is he magic?

Of course, the real story with the date card is that the 2-on-1 date is now a heavyweight title bout of Kim Kardashian vs Gone Girl. They both hate each other, and they’re both crazy confident that they’re sending the other one home – should be fun. As for the group date itself, Carly hopes they’re singing, Jade hopes she doesn’t have to perform solo, and Megan hopes someone tells her who she’s dating. Big and Rich show up and the girls are writing love songs to sing to Chris. Would you rather do this or drive a tractor through downtown LA in a bikini? Some of the girls are having trouble putting their thoughts into words, so Farmer Chris tries to give them some inspiration by making out with Britt in the middle of the room:

Britt: I missed you!

Chris: I missed you, too! [sniff, sniff] Did you shower today?

Britt: Ummm, yeah, of course! What is that supposed to mean? Who doesn’t shower?

Shockingly, this fails to fill the rest of the group with confidence, but they eventually pen some songs and get to singing. Chris goes first to break the tension, and he’s terrible and awesome at the same time. As for the girls:

Britt – Smelly cat, smelly cat! What are they feeding you?

Whitney – hits the G6 in Mozart’s Popoli di Tessaglia and shatters the studio lights.

Kaitlyn – sings a sex rap. Seriously, I would have dated this girl in my twenties.

Carly – holy crap, she kills it. She writes a song called “Look at Me Look at You” that would probably sell a million copies on iTunes today, and does a performance strong enough to make me cry. She’s moved into the Final Four, and if Chris sends her home, she’s definitely America’s pick for the next Bachelorette.

Jade – ugh, tough act to follow, but she does alright.

.

Everyone meets at a lounge later that night, and they spend some quality time getting to know each other.

Jade: I haven’t touched on my feelings with you, yet.

Chris: Yup. Can we make out?

Jade: ok….

.

Kaitlyn – I feel something toward you and I know you feel something toward me.

Chris – Uh-huh. Can we make out?

Kaitlyn – sure, I guess…

And then Britt is up. Chris takes her by the hand and they run to the Big and Rich concert down the street. Britt: “I know a lot of the girls would have loved to be here for Big and Rich, but I’m from LA and hate country music, sooo…” They jump on stage, Chris gives her a rose and they maul in front of a live audience. I’m really not sure how she doesn’t win it. Maybe she refuses to move to Iowa, but that’s it.

It kind of reminds me of Ben Flaccid’s season, when he was all over Courtney, and Lovely Better Half and I were over-thinking it, that the whole connection was an editing trick, and The Producers were setting up a big surprise ending. It never happened, of course, and Flaccid proposed to Courtney, and they lived happily ever after for the next 3 months. Sometimes, it’s got nothing to do with personalities or lifestyles or 5 year plans, it just comes down to chemistry. Sometimes you just like the way someone smells. Maybe that’s why Britt doesn’t shower. Wait – what if she makes it to the final two, and she finally takes her first shower of the season, and then all of the attraction completely disappears? And while Chris is proposing to the other girl, Britt is in the background, frantically rolling around in the mud, trying to get her stink back. That would be a surprise ending.

Back at the bar, the rest of the girls are hating the player. Chris and Britt return and redefine the term ‘awkward’. Chris says, “As you can see, I gave Britt a rose; so I’m going to let you have the rest of the evening to yourselves.” So – he drops a grenade and leaves Britt to fall on it. Thanks, boyfriend! And now, EVERYONE melts down. Whitney cries because she missed Big and Rich. Carly looks like her dog died. Kaitlyn runs to the bathroom and cries, and everyone knows there’s no crying on Pirate Island. Even Megan looks upset:

Yaaa…wait, no; I’m sorry, but I simply do not have the equanimity for a ‘yay’ at this particular juncture in time. Did Oscar Wilde not say to ‘keep love in your heart, for a life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead’? And yet, it was Shakespeare who wrote ‘Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs.’ Why must I traverse this arduous path, beset on all sides by the howling winds of misfortune, only to see my hopes and dreams crash into oblivion like the sea breaking against a rocky shore? I am lost in a storm from which my ‘yay’ will find no safe harbor. Tonight, my ‘yay’ is silenced.

Even Britt is crying, and she got the rose. Nice date, bro. I actually feel kind of bad for Britt. It’s not like she’s a bitch or anything; she seems friendly and gets along with the other girls. Is she supposed to apologize for forming a connection with Chris? It is kind of the point of the show. I think we’ve just reached the part of the season where everyone is invested, and feelings start to really get hurt. So, the good part, then.

BTW, have we seen Chris Harrison yet? Just wondering…

Two-on-one date – aka, The Royal Rumble. The girls do their make-up and talk trash, and then meet Chris at a helicopter pad. This might be the first time in Bachelor history that the guy is more nervous about the 2-on-1 then the two girls are. Ashley and Kraysey are ready to fight to the death, and Chris looks like he’s going to puke before they even get off the ground. The fly past Mount Rushmore, and then off to their afternoon meeting spot. What romantic spot could it possibly be?

A daybed in the middle of the desert – should be cozy. They order up some drinks…

Make that whiskey a double. I’m gonna need it.

…and settle in for an awkward silence. Since the only talking being done is to the camera, let’s see what Kraysey has to say: “This is combining love and logic, and it’s forcing Chris to be pragmatic and really think hard.” Cut to Chris aggressively exploring Ashley’s non-virgin mouth:

Yeah, he’s thinking alright – with his johnson. After a nice appetizer of each other’s mouths, they move on to the main course of the conversation, and Ashley promptly throws Kraysey under the bus, because he “needs to hear the truth, and she’s doing it on behalf of all the girls in the house”. Uh-oh…when will they learn? This never, ever, EVER goes well. The snitch always gets sent home, without fail. Chris takes it in, though, and then decides to ask Kraysey about it.

Chris – So, how are things in the house? [nice leading question, prosecutor! Learn that from Andi?]

Kray – Things are great! I really have a lot of respect for the other girls.

Chris – Ashley says you’re fake and everyone hates you.

Kray – [cold stare] I wouldn’t worry about that, Chris. I would worry about figuring out who here is prepared to be a wife for you. Can you spend your life with them? Can you trust them? Can you sleep at night, with your eyes closed, when you’re at your most vulnerable, your life literally lying in their cool, emotionless hands? [cold stare]

Chris – ummmm…I’m not sure where this is going…

Kray – I’ll tell you where it’s going, Chris. I’m here to tell my amazing story [drink] to the world. And you’re not going to derail my plans by listening to a bunch of idle girl talk.

Chris – [meekly] Yes, ma’am.

Kraysey rejoins Ashley on the Daybed of Peace, and dismembers her with her eyes:

More awkward silence and then they argue about who’s smarter, who’s better, who’s more fake etc, etc. Ashley runs and yells at Chris for ratting her out (for ratting Kraysey out – seems hypocritical, no?) and Chris figures he’s already in trouble, so now is as good a time as any to send Ashley home. Everyone knows she’s not moving to Iowa, so it’s time to go – unless, you know, you want to make out one more time. Ashley has her climactic meltdown and runs away. THEN, she comes running back:

Are you kidding me? I just sent her home. Why are they all coming back a second time?

Back at the hotel, the intern takes Ashley’s bag away and one of my Final Four picks is officially gone, which proves, as always, that I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. In the desert, Kraysey is sitting on her Daybed of Triumph looking smug:

Until Chris turns it into the Daybed of Despair, and dumps her, too.

And suddenly he’s scared for his life again. Chris tells her that she’s a great girl, but he doesn’t want to have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of his life, so she’s got to go. Then, because he doesn’t want to listen to Ashley cry all the way home, and he definitely doesn’t want Kraysey pushing him out of the helicopter door, he gets in the chopper by himself and leaves them both in the desert.

I’m out, bitches!

Seriously, do they have to fly home with catering crew? I bet that was a fun flight. These two screaming at each other while the sous chef tries to pry a paring knife from Kraysey’s hands. Or maybe they have to trek back to civilization, huddling together for body heat at night, and catching their food with nothing but their wits and a steel trap made from Ashley’s eyelashes. And only through their combined struggle do they come to realize that they are stronger together than apart, and Kraysey has a new amazing (drink) chapter in her continuing amazing (drink) story to tell. And after her own tremendous journey of self-discovery in the desert, Ashley finally wakes up and stops trying to be like a Kardashian – and starts copying Iggy Azalea instead. ‘Cos sheee’s so faancy…

Back at the house, the intern comes back for the second time and takes Kraysey’s bag, and the girls are suitably devastated:

Let’s get drunk!!!

There have always been outcasts on this show and people who the other contestants didn’t like, but come on – that’s just crazy. They’re partying like they’re out on parole. Next week, a Two Night Extravaganza! For god’s sake, like I’ve got nothing else to do. Chris Harrison sits down for a halftime report on the season so far! There’s a rose ceremony! Everyone goes to Iowa! And Britt is next in line to have a nervous breakdown! Because falling in love is fun!

And now, Becca and Chris shoot guns. And I’d stay on Becca’s good side, if I were him.