That ‘Part 1’ in the title kills me. Did they really need two nights in a row? Or was this a last minute schedule change to try and take ratings share away from the SNL 40 special? If it was, it worked. I recorded SNL, but I watched Chris Harrison real time. And yes, I’ll be turning in my man-card at the end of this recap.

Chris Tells All

Does he really? Does he tell us who he picks in the end? Does he tell us the winning numbers for this week’s Powerball? Does he tell us what kind of drugs Ashley S. was on and where I can score some? No? Well, then he’s not telling all, is he. So, in the absence of any new information, we end up with a 35 minute recap surrounded by promos for ABC’s hit new season – kind of pointless. We all know what happened this season, and we all know the reasons why Chris did what he did. Q: “Why did you send [xxxx] home?” A: “She was nuts.” Q: “Why did you make out with [xxxx]?” A: “She was hot.” I don’t want replays, I want drama and tears. Wait – Andi’s here, and she’s having a nervous breakdown in the green room? FANNNNNtastic! Anyway, when we last left, Ashley I. (for Informer) and Kraysey were preparing for their Thunderdome-style battle to the death. Let’s see who made it out alive…

Kraysey Interview

Sorry Ash – you were sorta shallow and you wore enough makeup to re-plaster the Louvre, but you were entertaining and I liked you. I hope it was a quick death, at least.

Chris Harrison: Why did you cause such a reaction amongst the fans?

Kraysey: Was I really that controversial?

CH: Yes.

Kray: Really?

CH: Definitely. People thought you were nuts. They compared you to the chick from Gone Girl.

Kray: That’s crazy! She wasn’t remotely as smart as I am!

CH: Do you think you’re smarter than other girls?

Kray [Longest pause in recorded history – so, “yes”] Ummm..not ‘smarter ‘per se’, just…ummm…on a different mental level. And if I had known there was a problem, I would’ve tried to ameliorate it. [Had to look that one up. If you use ‘ameliorate’ in a sentence, you think you’re smarter than everyone.]

CH: are you looking forward to Women Tell All?

Kray: I think it’s going to be a crucifixion. As in me crucifying bitches like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

They talk also about the panic attack, and she swears she didn’t fake it and was only able to recover so quickly through her ingenious use of humor. Not much else. The best part was this little gem from Kraysey telling Chris about her husband’s death:

That’s…uhhh…a convincing story, Kelsey…

Check out that pit stain. The only way Chris could be more nervous was if Kraysey had a loaded gun in her hand. You know how people on this show talk about the “exact moment they fell in love”? THAT was the exact moment Chris knew he was sending Kraysey home.

Chris Interview

Tara liked to drink and fall down, Jordan liked to drink and twerk against a wall, Chris loved Jillian’s ass-box but hated her mouth, a donkey tried to kill him on his date with Becca, he ratted Ashley out on the 2-on-1 because he usually only talks to a girl once every 6 months, and he got flustered seeing two of them in the same zip code at the same time, and he threw Britt to the wolves after the Big and Rich show because seeing all them girl parts in one room made him nervous, and he wasn’t sure what to say.

Andi Interview

Chris Harrison: So, how are things with Josh?

Andi: Waahhhh,,,it’s ovverrrr!! Agggaggahsdghgh…struggling for while…wahwahwahhhwahh…I had to to to give the ring back…he took it! NEIL LANE TOOOOOK IT FROM MEEEE!!

Chris Harrison: Sorry to heart that. By the way, I have a letter here from Nick. Wanna read it?

Harrison does his best to ameliorate the situation (if you want to learn a new word, it’s not enough to just read the definition. You have to use it in a sentence), but Andi is pretty much inconsolable. There are a lot of veiled references to ‘headstrong people’ and ‘emotions being high’ – so basically, they were fighting constantly and couldn’t take it anymore. Josh was an overly competitive prick the entire season; I can’t say I’m surprised they were butting heads. Hey – is it possible I really do know what I’m talking about? Nah, no chance. Chris soothes her broken spirit with his calm voice and understanding eyes, and then asks Andi where she goes from here. She’s too broken up and the emotions are too raw right now for her to think about that, but she drops off an application for Bachelor in Paradise Dos – Return to Whore Island. You know, just in case the clothing line doesn’t work out.

And now, and all new Bachelor

Back to Deadwood, SD, The girls all pat Farmer Chris on the back for sending the Wicked Witch of the Midwest home, then they split off for alone time. Nothing of consequence here, except for Megan, who worries that they aren’t connecting and that she’s falling behind the rest of the girls. Chris says, “Yep, you’re pretty much dead on the money” and unceremoniously shows her the door. Ouch. And the ‘yay’ is gone with the dying of the light, and I know my world will be a little less bright come morning. I’m going to miss that sweet, simple girl. She cries in the limo. For what it’s worth, I don’t think she really dug Chris all that much; it just sucks getting sent home.

So, with 3 girls gone that week, the remaining ladies breathe a sigh of relief – until Chris Harrison comes in and tells them a fourth girl still has to go home. Holy cow, this is like Navy Seal hell week. Did The Producers run out of frequent flyer miles? The Farmer tells Harrison he’s going to throw up if he has to send one more girl home today. Harrison checks with accounting, and agrees to buy one more plane ticket, but they’re flying Southwest, and no one gets any drinks on the flight. Where are they going, you ask? A place near and dear to Chris’s heart – Bali! Just kidding. Arlington, Iowa! Cut to Britt, who’s starting to realize the implications of being the clear front-runner.

Did you see his face light up? He really loves Arlington! He’s actually planning on staying there when this is over. I’m screwed…

They fly to Des Moines and the girls walk around the hotel for a bit. Britt doesn’t even bother to change out of her pajamas, she wants to get sent home so bad.

Is this not homeless enough? Should I smear dirt all over my face?

Date card comes and it’s for Jade – “Join me in my hometown.” Everyone is jealous; Jade is excited: “I can see how people might think it’s a nice and romantic and quiet life, but being from a small town, I’m not too in the clouds about it.” Ok, maybe excited isn’t the right word. I guess that’s why she moved to LA and started taking her clothes off. Oops, too soon to talk about that?

Jade Date

Since it’s a 3 hour drive from Des Moines to Arlington, Chris has time to prep the cows.

Now, I want you two to be nice when Jade gets here. And don’t tell her about the milking accident!

They start things off by making out in the kitchen, and then Jade gets the grand tour.

All of this can be yours!

Chris really sells it by telling Jade that there aren’t too many women that would be willing to move there. Jade really buys it by saying that it’s way more isolated than she thought. Downtown looks like a scene out of Walking Dead. All the stores and banks are closed, and the only café is a guy in an abandoned store front with a coffee pot – and he ain’t exactly fulltime. The bottom line is that the entire agriculture business is run by robots now, so there’s nothing left for the people to do and they all leave. When Skynet goes live and the machines start killing off the human race, I want you to remember this episode of the Bachelor. It’s not all bad news, though: there’s a high school 8 minutes away with a football team and fans and signs of life and everything! Though, it’s still small enough that the football players have to fill up spots in the band during halftime.

I’m so confused. I feel like I should be bullying myself.

And Starmont is only like 5 miles away from Arlington, so The Producers are slightly exaggerating the middle-of-nowhere angle. (what? They would do that? Do they have no journalistic integrity?) Anyway, they kiss in the hallway and they maul each other at midfield while the football player/saxophonist/student council president/editor of the school newspaper cheers them on and Jade drops the L-word for the first time. And then she says “Don’t feel bad about who you love to be. It’s enough for anyone”, which, all BS aside, is a very sweet thing to say. I don’t know if she likes Arlington, but she definitely likes Chris. And I like her. Especially after I did a quick Google search. Still too soon to bring it up?

Whitney Date

Back at the house, the girls are talking about Jade winning the whole thing because she went to Chris’s home town; apparently, it’s touched Britt in the naughty place of her soul (?). No idea. The date card comes:

I’m wearing camo so I can hide from Chris. Seriously, there’s no way I can move here.

Whitney! “Let’s look for love in Des Moines!” And Whitney squeals with glee because she’s not going to Arlington. She meets Chris and they take a bunch of pictures together in downtown Des Moines, which I think looks like an alright place. It’s not Manhattan or anything, but there’s stuff to do. However, if I think it’s alright, Whitney LOVES it. That girl is SUPER-positive. She LOVES Chris’s sisters. Chris is SO cute. She LOVES being around him.

Chris: I’m going to the men’s room real quick.

Whitney: That is SOOOO amazing! I LOVE it!!

They meet 3 of Chris’s friends at a restaurant later, and they grill her a little bit about moving to Iowa. “I love Iowa! I love you guys! I love Chris! Both the Farmer and the Harrison! What do you want me say? I’ll say it!” She’s crazy friendly and cute and I think Chris digs her. I think she’s becoming my pick to win the whole thing. And then, making me feel like a complete dick for ever calling her Minnie Mouse, she tells Chris about how her Mom died and she never really knew her father. And she wants to marry a guy with really great parents because she “doesn’t have any, and she really wants to call someone mom and dad again.” Annnnd I will officially never make a joke about this girl again. She’s awesome, and I hope Chris is attracted to her, because she was tailor-made for moving to Iowa with him. Chris reveals a mural of the two of them (good sign for her long-term prospects), Whitney says she loves him, Chris says he wants to be a better man for her, and Lovely Better Half and I are tearing up into the commercial break. Have a mentioned that LBH is due with our second kid in roughly 2 weeks? There’s a whole lot of hormones floating around the house these days.

Road Trip

Jade tells the girls about her date to Smallsville, and they get so pissed off and jealous that they decide to drive there and see it for themselves. They were listening to Jade tell her story, right? There’s nothing to see. Save yourself the 6 hours and take her word for it. Anyway, they take a production truck and head out to the highway. For a looonnnng time. Eventually they get there and spend 23 seconds driving through downtown Arlington:

Check out Kaitlyn’s face. Even Becca is wondering where the hell they are. There’s no people, everything’s closed – so pretty much exactly what Jade said; should’ve saved yourselves the trip, ladies. Carly sees her grandma’s Jesus on the wall of the church, and goes to confront the local pastor, who’s wearing his Sunday-best ‘Call of Duty: Ghost Recon’ shirt:

‘Cos the good Lord loves him some special operations!

Judge Carly

Carly had a little bit of a bug up her butt this week. With no more Kraysey to pick on, she directed her energies at Britt. The story goes that, when they strolled into town, Britt originally said that it was really small and she didn’t see herself living there. Upon reflection, Britt has had a change of heart, apparently because she saw the world’s most amazing sunset on the drive. Now, Carly hates Britt because she’s a big fat fake, stinky, shower-hating liar. Personally, I don’t get where it’s coming from. Maybe I’m wrong (and I usually am), but isn’t it normal to be a little indecisive where life-changing decisions are concerned? Like when Lovely Better Half and I talked about having kids, there was a very large part of me that said “hey, I’m 42 years old, and I’m not sure I ever want to have kids.” But there was another part that said “if I’m going to do it with anyone, it’s going to be with Lovely Better Half.” And I went back and forth on it. Not because I’m a big fat stinky shower-hating liar, but because it was a big decision that would affect other people’s lives and it deserved serious reflection. I don’t think Britt is being fake it all; she’s saying what thoughtful people say. You know what fake people say? “I love Iowa! I love his friends! I want to have his babies! I would move anywhere for him!” Ahem…maybe I should rethink my Whitney pick right now…

But the Judgment of Carly is not reserved for Britt alone, oh no. Jade is feeling nervous about a dark secret from her past, and decides to confide in Carly – which, considering the way she’s been hating on girls for the past couple weeks, might not be the best move. It seems the cutthroat world of cruise ship singing has taught Carly a thing or two about stabbing people in the back. Anyway, Jade tells Carly about posing for Playboy, Carly does everything she can to make Jade feel worse about herself, and I break the internet trying to find evidence. Look, I get that some people are more conservative than others, but is this really that big of a deal? It’s not like she filmed a porno or anything. Playboy is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things. I don’t think it’s an issue, but Carly looks like she’s sitting across from the Devil himself. Maybe she needs to revisit the Love Guru and learn to lighten up a little. She definitely needs to do less of this:

This is why my last boyfriend never touched me.

Group Date

Britt, Carly, Kaitlyn – I see our future together. They meet at an ice rink and play some hockey. Kaitlyn is Canadian; she should kill this, right? They stumble around for a bit, then Britt steals Chris away to tell him she was nervous after seeing Arlington, but after thinking about it, she thinks she could live there. This is final straw for Judge Carly, who declares Britt guilty of Truth Crimes, and decides that Chris deserves to know that Britt is lying to him. Because, that works every single time. Just Ask Ashley I. They…never….learn.

Carly: Ok, so I’m only telling you this because I really care about you and I don’t want to see you end up with the wrong person and Britt said she could never live in Arlington to me and she says she loves Arlington to you and I swear I’m only saying this because I’m so protective of you and I’m so scared for you and I want you to know the truth and that’s the truth so help me god.

Farmer Chris: Thanks for telling me. Your bags are packed, right?

Chris asks Britt about it, without throwing Carly under the bus (sorry Ashley). They dance around the issue for a little bit and I can’t tell if he’s buying it.

I don’t know if you’re for real, but man you’re hot! Want to make out?

Kaitlyn let’s loose a string of insecurities and Chris decides to give her the group date rose because he really wants her to feel good about where she’s at, and they start mauling each other, but this time like they mean it. Maybe the Whitney pick is in jeopardy? Chris returns to the group…

and there isn’t a man in the world I want to be less than him right now. To put it bluntly, Britt goes fucking nuts.

Britt: I’m confused. I’m hurt. I feel like after the day we had, and the feelings I shared with you, and I told you I want you to meet my family, and all I wanted was validation, and now you give it to someone else?

Chris: uhhhhh…maybe you want to go?

Britt: What the hell does that mean?! How is that supposed to make me feel? Do you even want me here?

Chris: Ummm…uhhh…huh. I don’t know what to say. Today is one chapter in our story. And there’s tomorrow. So I’ll see you tomorrow. OK. I’m gonna go.

I think I just pooped a little.

And for the second week in a row, he drops a grenade in the room and runs for the exits, leaving chaos and tears behind him. Carly is convinced that Britt is going home (no chance), the rose ceremony is tomorrow night (what’s up with all the cliffhangers this year?), and was Chris Harrison anywhere to be found this episode (“I’m not going to Iowa. No way, man.”)? The dramatic conclusion is mere hours away!

And now, let’s watch the girls wrestle with a gps system.