The second half of our 2 night extravaganza, and I feel like Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange, tied to a chair with a lab assistant dropping moisturizing drops into my eyes. Oh, who am I kidding – this show is amazing (drink), and I have nothing else to do today.

Last time, Chris took the ladies on an exciting journey to Iowa. I’m not sure I’d call it exciting; eye-opening, enlightening, elucidating (look that one up, Kelsey!) – all words I might use instead of exciting, but I get it, you have a show to sell. We catch up with Chris, who’s still wandering the streets of Des Moines because he’s scared to go back to the hotel where the ladies are staying. He tells us that last night was more nerve-wracking than a runaway combine in high harvest, but he’s excited to put it behind him and go on his 1-on-1 date with Becca. What? There’s another date in Des Moines? Woof…it’s gonna be a tough 2 hours.

Chris takes Becca to the loft where he’s been staying during the 8 weeks they were filming in Iowa, and they sit down on the couch to talk. That’s it. No high school football games, no hot air balloon rides, no romantic dinners. They talk.

Farmer Chris: This is my loft.

Becca: Wow. It’s nice.

FC: Yeah. This is real life. Not fake life, like in Italy or Belgium.

Becca: Yup. No castles or helicopter rides or ancient cities or any of the other boring stuff they do on other seasons.

FC: Yup, real life. So….

Becca: Yeah…Hey, have I told you I’ve never been in love?

FC: Oh really? That’s interesting! What was missing with your last relationship?

Becca: Sex.

FC: Come again?

Becca: Oh nothing, forget it! I feel so comfortable with you!

Yeah, Becca, and I feel comfortable fast-forwarding through the rest of this segment. I never thought I’d see a couple more boring than Marcus and Lacey, and here they are. That’s what I love about this show – they constantly raise the bar.

End it now.

Mercifully, they cut back to the hotel so we can watch Carly, Jade and Whitney dogpile on Britt.

Britt: Fuck it, I packed my bags. I’m leaving.

Jade: But, why would you leave when you have such a strong connection with-

Carly: [punches Jade in the ribs] Isn’t there a camera somewhere you need to be naked in front of? [to Britt] Are you sure you’re leaving?

Britt: Yes, totally!

Carly: Really, really sure? And you’re not going to change your mind, right? You’re really, definitely, positively leaving.

Britt: I think so…

And then Britt runs off to cry because Josh would’ve been the Bachelor if that idiot Andi hadn’t screwed everything up by picking him, and Britt knew it would never last for them but maybe he’ll be on Bachelor in Paradise II – Let Free Love Reign?

Rose Ceremony (Number 1)

Britt tells the camera that there’s absolutely no way she’s staying for the rose ceremony, and she’s going to pull Chris aside and say goodbye, because it’s only fair not put him through the rejection in front of everybody else. She knows this isn’t the Bachelorette, right?

But before I leave, I’ll just throw this little rose-red number on, just in case he begs for me stay.

But before Britt can set the wheels in motion, Chris Harrison shows up to announce that there will be no cocktail party, which is like the 8th time this season it’s been cancelled. Are any of these girls catching on to the fact that Prince Farming doesn’t like talking much? You will be stuck inside the house with this guy for 8-12 weeks worth of Iowa winter; you might want to see if he can carry a conversation. So what does Britt do? She interrupts Farmer Chris’s speech during the ceremony (which was shaping up to be a decent monologue. I think he’s secretly pissed he didn’t get to finish), and pulls him outside to talk.

So, we just wait here? They’re not going to another concert, are they?

Britt: I wanted to say I was sorry for putting you on the spot the other night. Was there anything you wanted to say to me?

FC: Not really.

Britt: [first signs of panic] Umm. Ok. Well, I just wanted to say that I need to feel validated a little more and –

FC: The girls said you hated Arlington.

Britt: [backpedaling furiously] I didn’t say I hated it, I just thought it was small, but I can really picture raising a family there and –

FC: If you got a problem Arlington, I got a problem with you.

Britt: I don’t have a problem with Arlington. Was it Carly?

FC: Carly reacted the why I wanted, you didn’t. I’ll walk you out.

Britt: Wait – what just happened here? Do you see this dress I’m wearing?

And that’s-all-she-wrote for Britt, who misplayed her hand terribly. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that she wanted to stay, but she tried to get leverage and make Chris beg for it, and it blew up in her face. Now, she’s bawling her eyes out in the courtyard, and Carly is enjoying the whole thing a little too much:

I love watching her squirm. How does it feel, Britt? How does it feel to be just a regular girl, and not always get everything you ever want just because you’re pretty? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE NORMAL, BRITT?!

Ease up, tiger. When did Sweet Cruise Ship Carly turn into Cutthroat Carly the Assassin? She got freaking mean and bitter over the past couple weeks. No way she’s the next Bachelorette. Maybe Britt was a little flaky and indecisive, and she wasn’t a big fan of personal hygiene, but I don’t remember her being a complete bitch to anyone. Whatever; none of the girls seem to like her much, so maybe I missed something, but she seemed harmless to me. Funny thing, if she was acting the whole time, it worked perfectly, because she’s 100% in the top 3 to be the next Bachelorette.

Back to the ceremony. Chris thanks “those” who spoke up about “other people” not being honest, but the snitch is still going home. Sorry, it’s a Bachelor Bylaw.

Hometowns:

Kaitlyn (group date rose)

Whitney

Becca

Jade

Thanks for the inside info, but I’m not marrying someone that can’t keep a secret:

Carly

Still having fun listening to Britt squirm? She’s pretty broken up. In light of her woe-is-me speech in the limo and the almost shocking level of bitterness towards Britt, she clearly hasn’t had a lot of luck in the men department.  However, I think if she gets in a normal environment, she’s really a sweet, funny and attractive girl. As the old saying goes, no dust is gonna settle on her. She’ll be just fine.

Becca – Shreveport, LA

Chris is excited to visit the girls’ hometowns, because they’re all better than his hometown. I’m glad Becca is up first; it gives me a chance to go make a sandwich, maybe take a quick 20 minute catnap. After canoeing through alligator infested waters, it’s time to meet the family.

Chris + Sister – “Becca’s not an ‘intimate’ person. She doesn’t get the urge. She’s not affectionate. And by affectionate, I mean she’s never touched a man in his bathing suit area.” Thanks for throwing her under the bus, sis!

Chris + Mom – Don’t mess with my kids. She’s never had a man. Becca thinks that holding hands actually is sex and that the Twilight Series is real. She has the body of a 25 year old and the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old. Don’t break her sweet naïve heart.

Then Chris takes her on a ferris wheel so they can maul each other a little.

I have butterflies and I’m lightheaded, and I feel funny down there.

Hey, when it comes to pre-marital sex, I’m more in the Kaitlyn-camp than the Becca-camp, so I’m no expert in the waiting department. But that girl looks pretty affectionate to me. Who knows, maybe she’s sick of being a virgin and is ready to bloom into womanhood? I still think she goes home tonight, though.

Whitney – Chicago, IL

I’m watching Whitney do her intro, and I’m trying to figure out who she reminds me of and it’s driving me crazy. Then it hits me: Crazy Eyes Clare from Juan Pablo’s season. Her inflections, her mannerisms, everything. I’ve gone from rooting for her to being very, very afraid. They run through a day at the fertility clinic, complete with fertilizing an egg and sending Chris into a room with specimen cup and a stack of Playboys (where Chris saw a girl that looked strangely similar to Jade, only less clothing). Whitney’s a very smart girl who’s passionate about her work, and Chris is clearly impressed.

Before they meet the family, Chris asks who he should ask for a blessing, since her folks aren’t around – classy move. Whitney suggests her sister, which turns out to be the completely wrong recommendation. To put it bluntly, the sister sucks, and tells Whitney she’s going to ruin the whole thing, no matter how much she likes this guy.

Chris: I really like Whitney a lot, and I would like to ask for your blessing to propose, if the time should come.

Evil Sister: No chance, scumbag! Why don’t you call me when there aren’t 3 other little hussies in the mix!

Whitney asks Chris how it went, and he takes a long draw from the whiskey glass:

Oh boy. How do I tell her we’re never spending Christmas in Chicago?

Whitney is worried that her sister blew her chances, but I think she’s fine. Chris grew up in a town of 400 people, and maybe 3 of those people were eligible women? Trust me, sweetie, he doesn’t give a shit what your sister thinks. She breaks out the bottle of wine she’s been saving for the man she’s going to marry, and tells him she’s absolutely in love and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. You kind of have to root for Whitney, right? She’s cute, she’s nice, she’s personable. Chris’s sisters live in Chicago, her family lives there. He wants to have a family and she wants babies so bad that she got a job fertilizing eggs. This couple just works. The only reason he doesn’t pick Whitney is because she doesn’t flip his switch – the elusive chemistry factor.

Kaitlyn – Phoeniz, AZ

Welcome to my parking lot! And who is that blond chick? Is she coming on the date with us?

Why do I feel like I just watched a brother and sister hang out all afternoon? Don’t get me wrong, I love Kaitlyn – I’ve been in the front seat of the Kaitlyn bandwagon all season. But these two are forcing it. They go to a rap studio to record a song. Chris: “I’m trying, but I suck.” Amen, brother. He is a good sport about it, though. Then they meet the family and everyone says ‘amazing’ a lot and I’m running out of drinks. Kaitlyn and Mom sit down and the wheels come off:

Kaitlyn: I’m really excited about him. I like him a lot. I’m close to being in love. I mean, I can see the potential for being in love. He’s just so lovable!

Mom: Look me in the eye. [frowns a little] Nope. Not seeing it.

Chris and Kaitlyn go outside, and she shows him a giant billboard that says “Kaitlyn Hearts Chris”, reminiscent of the airplane banner Chris bought for Andi. Everybody feels great, everybody is moving forward, everybody sees the potential for love, but this ain’t happening. I do, however, think that Kaitlyn would make an amazing (drink) Bachelorette.

Jade – Gering, NE

I just had to look up the state code for Nebraska. Public school education, ladies and gentlemen! God, I wish I was as smart as Kelsey. Jade tells us she knows what it’s like being from a small town. It’s still a helluva lot bigger than Arlington; Gering has stores. Open ones. Chris says it feels just like home, except that there are people.  Let’s meet the family.

They look comfortable.

Dad + Chris – Q: Why do you like Jade? A: Well, I was in Chicago, giving a sperm sample. And I saw this old issue of Playboy…

Brother + Chris – She’s a wild mustang! She works as a model in LA, bro, and everybody knows what that means! She’s crazy!

Dad + Jade – “I want you to find someone that won’t put you down for being you.” Dad cries, Jade cries, and Lovely Better Half cries. And, since my baby girl is due in less than 2 weeks, I might tear up a little myself. I’m still not sure why everyone is acting like she killed someone, but I guess Playboy is a big deal in some places.

Chris and Jade go to a cheap motel room to discuss her dark past. Nice touch. She starts by saying that when she first moved to LA, it was a ‘liberating’ time in her life and she did some things that people have judged her on, especially Carly.  She was saying ‘yes’ to a lot of things that she would normally say ‘no’ to.

Look at that expression. He definitely thinks it’s a porno.

But it was only Playboy! And Chris looks like he just found out his tumor was benign. She offers to show him the pictures. “Whatever makes you comfortable!” They peruse and he literally has no idea what to say or do. I’ll give you a hint, buddy: anything other than saying nothing and giggling like a 10 year old seeing his first Victoria’s Secret catalogue. He eventually pulls it together long enough to say he wants to fall in love with a person, not their career. Lovely Better Half snorts and says “I wouldn’t call nude photos a career!” Chris admits that there might be some conservative people in Iowa (ya think?) but it’s not going to change how he views Jade.

And that’s the final date. Ten minutes to go in the 5-hour, 2-night Bachelor Extravaganza and I’m exhausted. Let’s send Becca home and blow this popsicle stand. Though, if memory serves, Chris Harrison did say 7 weeks ago that there would be a virgin in the fantasy suite. Hmmm…Nah, no chance he keeps Becca around.

They meet at the Hotel Julien Dubuque back in Iowa, and the girls are lined up and ready to go.

Chris Harrison: What are you gonna do, buddy?

Farmer Chris: I’ve put a lot of thought into this week. It’s gonna be a tough decision, I have 4 great girls and this is a decision that could affect the rest of my life. I need to be true to my –

Chris Harrison: yeah, yeah, I got it. Just get in there and get it over with.

Staying:

Whitney – the clear favorite.

Kaitlyn – Love her, but there’s no chemistry between the two of them.

Jade – Glad to see that Farmer Chris didn’t let a meaningless incident from her past cloud his judgment.

And that means Becca is going home. Very sweet girl, nice family, but these two seemed a little too boring together, and I’m not sure Chris wants a girl with so little experience in the love department.

Wait – WHAT?

That’s just a terrible, terrible decision, and I’m not re-writing it. What was he thinking? “You’re great, but things moved faster with the other girls. Oh, and it didn’t have anything to do with you baring your girl-parts on camera.” Chris walks Jade out:

Lovely Better Half: Who wears white shoes with that dress? You can take the girl out of Nebraska…

LBH, folks! Always injecting a little dose of reality to the situation. Chris tells us he’s going to second-guess this decision for the rest of his life. Yeah, no shit. How many times in life are you going to meet a Playboy model, let alone marry one? Another thing – after seeing his rap performance, how many times do you think Chris has to re-do his voiceovers? 10, 12 times? Did they have to hire a second production crew to work nights, while he struggles to piece together 15 second snippets of dialogue? I want to work on this show for one season, just to see it from the inside. That would be an amazing blog (drink).

Next week – Bali! Holy crap, I was kidding last night when I made that Bali joke. Is it possible I really do know what I’m talking about? As I see the Playboy model go home while the virgin stays, the answer, as always, is an emphatic ‘no’.

Now, let’s watch Whitney’s dog making a baby of her own…