Welcome to Week 8 and welcome to beautiful Bali, which is a big step up from Des Moines. Chris wanders in wonder:

I’m easily the tallest man within 4,000 miles.

Chris is very excited for overnight dates, because if he’s going to feel comfortable spending the rest of his life with any of these women, he has to know that the intimacy aspect is there. So, I guess we’ll see Becca next week at Women Tell All? Chris concludes by saying he definitely wants clarity by the end of the week, and by ‘clarity’ he means mind-blowing monkey sex.

Kaitlyn Date

Chris and Kaitlyn meet outside a temple and Kaitlyn leaps into the Farmers arms for what will become the obligatory leg-wrap hug:

That doesn’t get an ass-box? Seriously, what was Jillian wearing?

The first rule of the temple: no kissing. The second rule of the temple: NO KISSING. Funny, I seem to remember that same rule at the Belgian temple during Andi’s season, and it didn’t stop Farm Boy from molesting her in the pottery room. Speaking of Andi’s season:

That shit’s just funny.

Chris and Kaitlyn get saronged-up and sit through some Balinese ceremony.

Pray for sex, pray for sex…

It’s all very interesting and fun, but not as fun as monkeys! They buy some bananas while monkeys climb Chris like he’s the world’s tallest baobab tree.

That guy’s job is to hang out by a monkey statue all day, and he never has to wear a shirt. That’s like 100 times better than being a Walmart greeter, right? Again, I’m questioning my choices in life right now.

Lovely Better Half: I remember this place.

Me: [awe-struck, because my love of monkeys runs very deep] You’ve actually been to this wondrous and enchanted place?

LBH: Yeah. And Kaitlyn needs to take that necklace off. Monkeys are nasty.

Me: [Jaw dropped in confusion] You don’t like monkeys? How did I not know this?

Kaitlyn and Chris run off to exchange passionless, closed-mouth pecks in the forest, and then they talk about how much their relationship is moving forward.

Kaitlyn: I’m so happy you got to meet my family. They absolutely loved you. My dad thought you were amazing, and he kept telling me, ‘you’re gonna have a hard time shaking that guy’. Isn’t that great? ‘A hard time shaking that guy.’ And my mom could tell I was different. She kept talking about how I was glowing and when she looked into my eyes, she could tell that I was really into you and that this was for real, and everyone just thought you were such an amazing guy [drink]. And I’m so happy you got to see the people I grew up with and it really makes me want to let my guard down with you.

Farmer Chris: That’s awesome. Wow.

So, a man of few words, then. More platonic touching of pursed lips, and we’re off to the night time portion of our date. They talk over dinner: Kaitlyn has her guard up because of a past relationship, but she wants to tell him things and Chris thinks that great, and everyone feels good about opening up and moving forward, etc etc. More grimacing of mouths while they press their faces together. Seriously, it’s painful watching these two kiss. I’m not saying I want blatant tongue action every time they open their mouths, but how about something a little more fiery than 10 year olds playing spin-the-bottle. There’s no chemistry here. Date card comes, and Kaitlyn takes about .3 seconds to say “all in”. Off to the Fantasy Suite, then!

Me: That’s almost too nice use.

LBH: Yeah. Plus, you get orchids up every crevice.

Kaitlyn tears down the final wall and says she’s completely fallen in love with Chris, and Chris says, “I’m falling in love with you, too.” Come again? Are they allowed to say that? I thought the L-word was off-limits for the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Then again, this season, there are no rules. They make out some more, and Lovely Better Half and I are screaming at the tv for the just the smallest hint of tongue anywhere, but alas, no tongue cometh forth. There’s something going on here. These too keep talking about falling in love, but it’s a situation where I hear their words and don’t see their actions. If I was a suspicious man, I would think he was keeping her around and setting up a ‘tragic heartbreak’ so Kaitlyn will be a lock to be the next Bachelorette. I hope so, because I would love another season of Kaitlyn. Finally, the shades go down, and they embark on a night of passionless, awkward, fumbling and body-rubbing. Or devious planning on how to knock Britt and Carly out of the running for Bachelorette. One of the two.

Whitney Date

Whitney gets the boat date, and everyone knows how I feel about boat dates – best date ever and guaranteed action. If I had a boat, I’d never date on land. Whitney runs up the dock and gives Chris a leg hug:

In Bali, wrapping your legs around someone means ‘hello’.

Her voice is super-extra-helium-y today, and man, is she putting it to use. Her sister and she are total opposites. She’s an attorney (so basically an asshole). She grew up fast. The date feels so perfect, but she feels like she’s at a disadvantage because she really wanted to see Arlington and isn’t Bali amazing and she’s in such a good place right now and she couldn’t have asked for a better day and my god I can’t keep up. Chris says literally nothing, with the exception of “I don’t really care what your sister says.” Some closed-mouth pecks on the boat – is it possible Farmer Chris just doesn’t know how to kiss? Let’s see, he doesn’t like to talk and he kisses like a bird. Those Iowa winters can get awfully long. Just saying.

No ass-box for this, either? Again, what was Jillian wearing, a thong made of Saran-wrap?

At the Mulia Bali later that night, the inevitable Arlington conversation comes up. He asks why she would give up her career to move there, and then spends a lot of time talking about all the downsides of where he’s from. You’re not really selling it, pal.  She counters with “I’m a fertility nurse, you idiot! All I want to do is make babies and be a mom! Besides, if Arlington sucks that bad, I can always move back to Chicago and get my old job back. It’s not like the rest of these girls, who have literally no marketable skills at all. I’ll be fine.” Chris tells us he’s falling in love with Whitney (second L-word tonight from the Bachelor – a tad fickle, perhaps?), and if things continue the way they’re going, he can definitely see himself proposing. Translation: if she’s as good in bed as Kaitlyn was, lock it up – Whitney’s moving to Iowa. Fantasy Suite card comes:

Whitney: I think it would be GREAT!

Farmer Chris: Let’s ‘take it to the next level’ [wink, wink]

Whitney: Check please!

All I’m saying is that for Andi’s season, Josh got the boat date and the suite with the gigantic pool, and Nick ended up in his mom’s basement for 3 months, listening to Coldplay and crying into his pillow. I’m officially all in on my Whitney pick. They make-out again (for real this time!), the curtains close, and high-pitched squeals pierce the night air.

Becca Date

Becca reminds us yet again that she’s a virgin and is waiting for marriage, and that she’s really worried about what could happen in the Fantasy Suite. To protect her virtue, she wears her most trustworthy pair of penis-repellant shorts:

No ass-box necessary for those.

Also, there is no leg-wrapping hello. Clearly, Becca is not up on local customs. Continuing their unbroken streak of boring dates, they go on a walk and Chris gives her a history lesson on Southeast Asian farming techniques. Fun and educational! Then they meet the village shaman, who answers questions about their future:

Becca: Are we meant to be together?

Shaman [in Balinese]: Look at that man’s head! It’s as big as a coconut!

Translator: Shaman say you are a very good couple.

Chris: What’s her biggest weakness?

Shaman: And the girl wears shorts from 1982!

Translator: Shaman say she is hard to control.

Becca: Will he be a good dad?

Shaman: My buddy at the Monkey Palace said they climbed all over the big one like a tree yesterday! One bit him on the neck!

Translator: Shaman say you will both be good parents.

Chris: Any advice for our date tonight?

Shaman: Let’s wrap this thing up. I got an ounce of Indonesian hydroponic back at the hut, and me and Chris Harrison are gonna get high as hell and play Call of Duty ‘til the sun comes up.

Translator: he say ‘lot’s of sex!’

I smoke two joints in the morning, I smoke two joints at night…

Then, Chris and Becca make out in a river, and it all looks really staged and uncomfortable. Later that night, they get ready for dinner. Becca tells the camera that, although she’s committed to remaining a virgin, she’s having new feelings right now, and if Chris were to express his love, who knows what could happen. Reeeaallly? Cut to Chris.

This is about finding my wife; finding my soul mate. That’s what I came here to do. That, and bang three chicks.

More talk over dinner. Chris wants to know that Becca’s willing to move to Iowa, but Becca needs to know Chris is into her before she can move, and their own personal Catch 22 is in place. Becca says she’s falling in love, Chris says “ditto, now let’s get to know each other better (wink, wink).”

The Fantasy Suite card comes, and Becca says that she would love to spend more time getting to know Chris – maybe hold hands and lie on the bed together, each of them with one foot on the floor. Chris gives a big thumbs-up and they go back to the room, and I guarantee he thinks he’s going 3-for-3 in Bali. He’ll be telling the boys at the feed shop about this trip for years.

The biggest pool yet, and it’s not even getting used tonight. What a waste. Actually, that’s not even a pool; that’s practically an Olympic swimming venue.

And now, after 3 weeks of build-up, here we go:

Chris: I can’t wait to get to know each other on another level – on a level of intimacy. [big, ear-to-ear grin]

Becca: I have something important to share with you; it’s a big part of who I am. When I said I had never been in love, what I really meant is that I’m a virgin.

[Longest pause in recorded history]

Chris: Siiiggghhhhhhhh……

It’s gonna be a looonnng night.

Chris [as eloquent as ever]: I’m glad that you…but I…. huh. Let me start over. It’s never easy to respond to stuff like that. Ummm. I respect that, in a lot of ways. It says a lot about who you are.

Becca: I could not have planned for his response to be better! Now I’m ready for safe sleepover!

She listened to him, right? That didn’t look like a great response to me. But hey, if she’s happy, that’s all that matters. They close the curtains – not sure why – and spend the rest of the night getting to know each other, but this time in the literal sense. Fast forward to the next morning, and Becca is walking along the beach while Chris stands on his balcony, more confused than ever. Apparently Becca has reservations about life on the farm because she lives in San Diego, and let’s face it – you’d have to be insane to leave San Diego for the middle of Iowa. Needing clarity, Farmer Chris turns to Chris Harrison, because that’s what our fearless host provides – clarity. He doesn’t just nod like a bobblehead doll and ask open-ended questions to further cloud the issue at hand. Nope; guidance and clarity. That’s what The Harrison brings.

Farmer Chris: I don’t know what to do. I can see spending my life with all three women.

Chris Harrison: At the same time?

Farmer: Sure. A farm can always use more babies.

Host: So, you’re not even sure who you’re saying goodbye to right now.

Farmer:  Well, yeah, we both know its Becca. I told you that 3 minutes ago.

Host: Shhhh…we’re trying to build tension here. Remember?

Farmer: Oh yeah. Umm…Becca isn’t quite ready to move to Iowa yet, but I can be patient.

Host: Speaking of patience, how do you feel about no sex until the wedding night?

Farmer: Not great.

Host: And Kaitlyn?

Farmer: I like hanging out with her, but it’s like kissing my sister, and I swore I’d never do that again.

Host: Whitney?

Farmer: I’m falling in love with her, too. I’m so confused, Chris. I just need a little advice.

Host: Well, it sounds like you’ve got some thinking to do. I’m still a little stoned from hanging out with the shaman last night, plus I have a 3 o’clock massage scheduled, so I’ll see you at the rose ceremony. Good luck, buddy.

Great! All clear now, Chris? Off to the rose ceremony:

Chris Harrison is having someone shot for this.

The host tells the farmer that they’re at one of the holiest temples in all of Bali. So, they let the Bachelor production crew in? That’s great. Whitney is feeling confident, Kaitlyn is feeling confident, Becca hasn’t slept, and Chris is about to throw up. He stumbles through about 15 seconds of monologue, and then stops to pull Becca away, because he can’t handle talking to 3 people at once. Remember how polished he was for Andi’s Men Tell All episode? Now, he can’t order appetizers without sweating through his shirt. He’s actually getting worse at public speaking as the season goes on. Anyway, Chris reiterates that he is very concerned that Becca doesn’t want to move to Arlington. Becca says she’s willing to negotiate on Iowa – she is clearly failing to grasp the fact that this guy is moving back to his farm when the season is done. There will be no JP-and-Ashley reality tv life in her future if she marries him. Yet, despite the fact she doesn’t like Arlington, and despite the fact she won’t have sex with him, he brings her back to the rose ceremony anyway. And then, Chris Soules proves beyond all doubt that I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Staying:

Whitney

Becca

Going home:

Kaitlyn, who looks broken up, but holds it together like a champ. In the long run, she’s WAY better off going home. Kaitlyn is a catch in every sense of the word, and one day (very soon, is my guess) she’s going to meet someone else and think “Holy Crap, am I glad I didn’t move to Iowa.” I still don’t believe that the Farmer is into Becca. I think he has a hard time with difficult decisions, and he really wants to pick Whitney, so he sent Kaitlyn home because she’s cool enough to potentially leave him mind-bottled. You know, when your mind is in a bottle and it can’t get out? (Yeah I stole it, but it’s such a great line.)

I’ll always be your biggest fan, Pirate Queen of Yarrrland. Thank you for the season.

Next week is Women Tell All. Carly vs Britt! Kraysey vs Everyone! Ashley S. vs Behavioral Modification Therapy! Then, in 2 weeks, it’s back to…Iowa?! Are you fucking kidding me? You’re seriously telling me the family can’t make it out to Bali? My god, I feel like this whole season has been filmed on a farm. To quote Farmer Chris: “Siiiiiiiiggghhhhhh….”

And now, let’s watch Chris get assaulted by monkeys.