Let’s start this week off by saying that I have a love/hate relationship with the Women/Men Tell All episodes. On one hand, I find them supremely enjoyable because everyone’s bitching about each other and arguing and it’s fun to watch people bitch and argue. I’m an only child, and even as a very young boy, I loved watching siblings from other families fight; it was like live theater, and I sat and giggled all day long while brothers and sisters shoved and punched and got in trouble with their parents. I was quite the little Nero. On the other hand, it’s a tough episode to write about, because all people do is bitch and argue, and there isn’t a whole lot to elaborate on. But, as I have said many times before, we get the material we get, so away we go…

Tonight, Prince Farming faces the ladies he sent home! They’re still banking on the ‘Prince Farming’ thing? And here comes Chris Harrison, wearing his older brother’s suit (seriously, it was way too big on him. I’m pretty sure the world has one less tailor this morning). We catch up with some of the more controversial ladies backstage. Kraysey, Britt and Ashley I. check their makeup and hair extensions, while Ashley S. confronts the Dark Stranger in the mirror.

We’ll hear all the shocking details tonight. But first, let’s crash some Bachelor viewing parties, which is apparently Chris Harrison’s favorite part, because he always gets free booze and some digits. Highlights:

The Farm House – Farmer Chris is very nervous because, being from Iowa, he’s worried that the people inside the house have guns. No guns, Chris, but something much, much worse…

To recap: straw hats and plaid shirts, pictures of Chris taped to hay bales and barn doors, a tractor, corn-on-the-cob-on-a-stick (which I didn’t even know was a thing), and a very aggressive and grabby mother. And Lovely Better Half and I thought we were fans. For us, it’s a big night if we order in Thai food. This is on a whole other level. Wow. Just. Wow. By the way, Chris is closing his eyes when he kisses mom. Does that strike anyone else as a little weird? Like he was getting into it?

Drunken College Girl House – Chris and Chris meet Jordan’s college roommates, and the reception is, um, animated.

Nice rules. I drink every time someone says ‘amazing’, but if you’re going to add the other 4 rules, you might as well just stick a straw in your mouth for 2 hours. I bet half of these girls end up in a recovery program within 3 years, with Miss Texas leading the way.

It’s time to re-live some drama. Harrison runs through the introductions, and the girls all get a pretty warm reception with the loudest cheers for Megan, Ashley S, Britt, Carly and, of course, Kaitlyn. They recap the season so far, closing with the friction between Carly and Britt, segueing us into the first match of the evening:

Cruise Ship Carly vs Actress Waitress Britt

Hey, Britt? Remember how smug I looked 5 minutes before I got sent home, too?

Carly actually gets booed by the audience after that little replay. Anyone still think she has a chance in hell of being Bachelorette? It doesn’t take long for everyone to start talking all at once, and Chris Harrison takes charge and invites Britt up for her Official Bachelorette Interview. Jillian interrupts and goes crazy on Carly:

CARLY MAKE HULK ANGRY!!

So, for the most part during this segment, Carly looks petty and bitter and Britt looks thoughtful and reasonable, and it’s a complete homerun for Britt. Then she closes with this: “Carly, I don’t think it was jealousy. I think it was borne out of pain, and I’m not even mad at you, because I think it was easier for you to demonize me than it was to figure that out.” Bam. Carly tries to stammer out a response, but Harrison doesn’t even let her finish before he brings Britt home with a closing statement for Bachelor Nation – the old “what did you come here to find” question. She does well, until this:

Britt: I feel like I was this close to finding love.

CH: Actually, you were this close to being the next Bachelorette until you went completely over-the-top and said that.

And now I think she’s a complete actress, again. So does Chris Harrison, which is why he gives her an “unplanned and candid” extra-interview during the commercial break to salvage the last 10 seconds of her segment. He must have money riding on Britt being the next Bachelorette.

Kraysey vs The World

Betrayed, grieving, recovering, open up my heart to love, despair, tissue, silk pocket square (?), condescending, contempt, misinterpreted, tactical, timely panic attack, climaxing, dislike amassing, how do you evaluate humanity, “Can I say something?”, “Not yet”, advocate for myself, I’m sorry you’re down there and I’m up here. Other highlights:

Samantha speaks! And she says that she went home that night because of Kraysey’s drama. No, you went home because you didn’t say anything to anyone until week 5.

Ashley I. – I knew you were faking when you asked to see Chris. Because why would you ever want a guy to see you when your mascara is running? Are you NUTS?

Megan – Why would you go on the show if you were still grieving the loss of your husband? (wait – that’s actually a really great question. I don’t have a joke here)

The general consensus among the girls – especially Juelia, who had a similar story, though nowhere near as ‘amazing’ as Kelsey’s (drink) – is that she milked her husband’s death for extra attention, which is in pretty poor taste. But she’s gotten a lot of flack from a lot of people – myself included – so I want to change perspectives on this. She was 19 when she met her husband. Read that again. 19 years old. Kelsey basically moved out of her parents’ house and into a relationship. She’s never been on her own and her entire adult life has revolved around her marriage. Now, she’s trying to deal with an unimaginable tragedy and create her own identity at the same time. That’s a tough thing to do. Maybe she did milk his death a little too much, but then again, maybe he was such a big part of her life that she just doesn’t have much else to talk about. She’s a little weird and a little awkward, but I’m willing to cut her some slack and allow for the possibility that she’s a not a terrible, manipulative person. I still wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as her, though. I’m not an idiot.

Ashley S vs the Production Crew

If that doesn’t get the guys lining up, I don’t know what will..

Ashley hands Chris Harrison an onion and says “Nice to meet you”. Interesting start. She’s quirky but she’s hamming it up – a lot. For all the debate on whether or not Britt and Kraysey were acting, Ashley S. deserves an Oscar for this season. Chris Harrison invites her to Bachelor in Paradise II – Return to STD Lagoon, and the audience goes wild. See you then, Ash. Speaking of BinP II, I kind of want to see Carly get a ferry ride to the Island. She’s definitely not going to be the next Bachelorette, and she’s great at talking smack. Maybe she was a little on the bitter side, but you have to admit she had some great one-liners. And I still like Carly. Later in the show during Chris’s segment, she looks pretty hurt, and I think that deep-down she’s a sweet girl who’s had some bad luck in the love department. I’m still rooting for her.

Jade vs the Her X-Rated Past

Chris Harrison keeps talking about Jade’s X-rated secret. I don’t know; Playboy seems pretty NC-17 to me. Apparently, Farmer Chris has a blog – wow, I guess they’ll let any asshole with an opinion write a blog these days 😉 – and he said the two sides of Jade were disturbing (?). Not sure what that means. And I’m still not sure why people are acting like Jade is a wild hussy because she took some nude photos. Jenny McCarthy posed for Playboy 1,287 times and people listen to her for vaccination advice – like she earned her Doctorate from the Playboy Mansion School of Pediatric Medicine. Give me a break. While we’re on the subject of anti-vaxxers, here’s some more fun 21^st century facts: the world isn’t flat, lightening doesn’t mean that the gods are angry, organic-locally-sourced-farm-to-table-gluten-free strawberries aren’t an effective deterrent against polio, and leeches don’t cure madness. Just ask Ashley S.

Kaitlyn’s Bachelorette Interview

It was interesting how strangely silent Kaitlyn was during the Britt vs Carly segment. She was clearly on Carly’s side during the season, but she didn’t want to back Carly up during Women Tell All. She knows she’s in the running for Bachelorette and she can’t afford to come across as vindictive. It’s like a politician going radio silent before a presidential run; they don’t want to say or do anything to screw it up. Anyway, she’s heartbroken, she has questions and she can’t wait to talk to Chris (the other one). So, without further ado…

Bachelor Chris in the Hot Seat – And It’s Smokin’!

Farmer comes out to a roaring crowd, and Britt is already starting to cry:

Britt: The audience really seemed to like Kaitlyn. I don’t know if I’ll be the next Bachelorette.

Kraysey: I think I could lay down right over there and fake another panic attack…

Dammit, I said I was cutting Kraysey some slack. Oh well; old habits die hard. Anyway, Britt sits down between Chris and Chris and does what she can to pull ahead of Kaitlyn in the Race to Bachelorette Mansion. Next, Kaitlyn gets her chance to catch up, and Chris gives one of his patented sighs…

Please don’t say we slept together, please don’t say we slept together…

Kaitlyn basically asks him why she got dumped after they hooked up in the Fantasy Suite when he had every opportunity to tell her that he was proposing to Whitney. Chris keeps spouting apologies like a out-of-control fire hose until the audience starts to clap and bails him out. Kaitlyn doesn’t get her closure, but she is in a dead heat for Bachelorette with Britt. Let’s bring up Jade!

Jade: Dude, get your hands off me.

Farmer: What’s wrong?

Jade: You talked shit about me in your blog.

Farmer: Well, that’s what blogs are for. People don’t write nice things.

Then he says that looking at her nude photos was awkward for him, but he did it for her. Uh-huh. I’m going to try that line with Lovely Better Half. “Yeah, I check out porn sometimes, but I do it for you, baby.” And then I’m gonna count the number of milliseconds before she hits me in the head with the nearest blunt object.

Bloopers! Panties, Kimmel, a series of dolphin laughs, sneezing monkeys, sully goes nuts, Whitney’s humping dog, and Jillian burns her ass. I give the bloopers a C- this year. But the biggest shock of the night?

Chris Harrison wrote a book! And that woman is pre-ordering before she leaves the studio. She’s Chris-Harrison-Superfan #1. So, I guess this is what our host does with all that time off. It’s not late-night poker tables or underground cage fighting or backroom negotiations with global heads of state. He’s been writing a romance novel. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I like my Harrison with a little less Sydney Steele and a little more International Man of Mystery, but good for him; I hope he sells a gazillion copies. Next week, back to Iowa for the beautiful and romantic finale!

Ummm….looks great….

See ya then!