Just kidding. I tried DWTS for one season and it never sparked any interest. I’m a sucker for mindless television and all, but I can’t sink that low. But do you know who can sink that low?

This guy!

Hi, Chris! I guess you’re not in huge hurry to get back to life on the farm, huh? And now, somewhere out in the proverbial there, Becca, Jade, Britt, Ashley S, et al are staring at their televisions, saying “Hey, farm boy! Last time I checked, Dancing With The Stars isn’t filmed in your barn in Iowa! So, exactly what the hell are you doing in Burbank? Or was all that small-town talk just bullshit?!” Well, it turns out it was just bullshit, ladies. And, just like Andi quit her job at the DA’s office to start a fashion blog, Chris is holding on to his 15 minutes like it’s the last lifeline on the Titanic, proving once again that Real Life Sucks. If Mr. Salt-O’-the-Earth can get sucked into the Reality Vortex, anyone can. Life is simply better on TV. On an entertaining note, we got to see this face:

If he grinds his hips against her backside one more time, I’m cutting his plow off at the base…

Wait – what was that? You guys broke up? I guess you put a little too much “passion” into that Pasodoble, buddy. Sorry to hear it. Maybe Farmer Chris can grow pineapples on Bachelor in Paradise.

Anyway, I’ve been MIA the past couple months due the Game of Life throwing my world into chaos and an extended family vacation that unfortunately coincided with the start of the new season. And forget what anyone says about the 2nd kid being easier –  1+1 is DEFINITELY more than 2. Family recap:

The Girl – She was born perfect, and then proceeded to become more perfect everyday since. You know that  theory that you can’t have infinity+1 because infinity is already the highest number? We’re putting that to the test, because she was already perfect-times-infinity yesterday, and yet she somehow became more perfect today, and she’ll be more perfect again tomorrow. I know it’s impossible, but somehow it keeps happening. Wait – let me check something. Yep; she’s more perfect now than when I started typing this paragraph.

The Boy – a barely contained nuclear explosion. I’m going to start calling him Fukushima. He wakes up every day like he’s been shot out of a cannon, and he doesn’t stop until he goes to sleep at night. And I mean he doesn’t stop doing anything: running, yelling, climbing going through the cupboards, hiding the remotes, terrorizing the dog, jumping, screaming, eating. He must put down 10,000 calories a day. I love him and all, but he is literally going to kill me if he doesn’t slow down.

Sub-story about the boy: our vacation was amazing, but I swear by all that is holy that I will never fly with a child under 2 again. On our flight to Europe, he slept 3 out of 11 hours, and the other 8 felt like wrestling a bear. Again, he’s going to kill me.

Sub-story of the sub-story: On the flight home, The Boy was actually pretty good. He only cried for about 10 minutes while we put him to sleep. That’s 10 minutes out of an 11 hour flight – something I would consider pretty phenomenal for an 18 month old child. The woman in front of me had the unmitigated gall to get out of her seat, walk up to me, put her fingers in her ears, and yell at me, “Doesn’t he ever stop crying?!” No bullshit, not exaggerating in the least. Look, no one likes listening to a screaming baby. I was single once, too; I get it. But who actually gets up and yells at the parents about it? Like we want the kid to cry. My immediate response to her was “What do you want me do, lady? Hold a pillow over his face? Choke him out until he stops?” Then followed an epic rant that included (but was not limited to) the following words and phrases: “selfish”, “rude”, “sanctimonious”, “it takes some kind of balls”, “who do you think you are?” and “gofuckyourself”. Personally, I think “sanctimonious” was the high point and “gofuckyourself” was admittedly the low, but part of me likes the fact that I can jump so easily between the moral high- and low-grounds. I’m willing to bet $1000 the woman was from Marin County, and I got another $1000 behind it that says Mill Valley specifically. Entitled doesn’t begin to describe it.

LBH – Still Lovely, still Better than me, and still my other Half. For now at least. Since we’ve decided to stop at two kids, I’ve served my reproductive purpose, and I have a sneaking suspicion she might trade me in for a younger, stronger model. Maybe some 28 year old personal trainer that has the energy to keep up with the boy without collapsing in a heap at the end of the day. I’m not kidding – he’s going to kill me.

Anyway, that’s enough of the excuses and updates, because I’M BACK FROM THE DEAD, BABY! And, to show my contrition for abandoning the 2 or 3 people that read this, I watched all 5 episodes today in order to catch up. That’s right, I watched 9 straight hours of The Bachelorette. Then I was immediately rushed to UCSF medical center, where I underwent experimental surgery to graft new corneas to my eyeballs.

But before we start – a quick Chris Soules Finale Recap (just because I’m slightly OCD and I have feel the need to tie up loose ends):

Becca Date:

Becca: Your family seems nice.

Chris: Thanks, I think they see the level of my feelings for you. The only thing they’re questioning is whether or not you can see yourself in Iowa.

Becca: I get that, because I don’t want to move here.

Chris: Maybe I need to rephrase it. Could you possibly see yourself living in Arlington?

Becca: No.

Chris: Could you live anywhere in the state of Iowa? Anywhere?

Becca: No, not really.

Chris: [looking confused] Well, how would our relationship work?

Becca: I would live in San Diego, you would live here, we would talk on the phone.

Chris: So, then…how would we…you know…have sex?

Becca: [laughing] Chris, I’m a 28 year old virgin. Why would I want to have sex? Haven’t you been paying attention?

Chris: So, you’re not moving to Iowa.

Becca: No

Chris: And you don’t want to have sex.

Becca: HELL no.

Chris: And you realize that the whole point of this show is to move to Iowa with me, get married, and have a family? Which involves sex?

Becca: Yes. And I don’t want to do any of those things.

Chris: With anyone or just me?

Becca: There’s probably someone out there, but it’s definitely NOT you. Unless you move to Burbank and join Dancing With the Stars.

Chris: [Looking away] Umm, Chris Harrison said I wasn’t supposed to talk about that. Did you know he had Juan Pablo killed?

Becca: If we’re not moving, then, no. I definitely don’t want to live in Iowa. Or live with you. Or marry you.

Chris: [looking completely lost at this point] Wait. Let me start over. My family really sees how much I like you…

Whitney Date

Chris: So, I’m wondering if you can see yourself living in-

Whitney: Iowa! Yes, I get it! We’re moving to Iowa! Great! My biological clock is going off like Big Fucking Ben at high noon and I’m ALL in! Let’s go to the barn. Now.

Chris: Well…ABC offered me a deal to be on Dancing With the Stars. So…we might be moving to Burbank for a few months?

Whitney: Iowa, Burbank, Somalia – who cares. Put a ring on my finger and a baby in my belly. Let’s get this done.

Then it’s off to the world’s coldest wedding barn, where a blue-lipped Whitney shivers through a proposal and manages to stutter “I-I-I-I w-w-w-iii-lll” while thinking “why couldn’t we stay in Bali? Is it because no one in your family has a passport?” Cue the music and enjoy the next 5 months together – until Chris starts grinding and sweating all over another girl who was, coincidentally, named Whitney.

Enough of the preamble, on to the main event. After watching the first 5 episodes, I’m left feeling angry. Angry, because I missed the past 4 weeks of this rocket ride to the glorious heights that we all knew reality television could reach. It’s like everything that I want to happen is actually happening. At the end of last season, when I thought it would be cool to have a couple Bachelorettes, they did it. When an entertaining bromance pops up, it’s not like past seasons, where two guys get along a little too well, and I make a couple jokes. Nope; this year, two men actually fall in love. When a mentally unhinged stalker from a past season shows up late and asks to join the show, and I’m screaming at my tv “LET HIM IN!”, the Bachelorette actually does it. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a group date to the Florida Everglades to dig up Juan Pablo’s body. Chris Harrison always tells us that this is “the most dramatic season ever”; this time, he delivered.

Overall takeaways: it’s hard to watch other guys getting roses. It’s also hard to watch Kaitlyn forming relationships with the other guys and it’s hard to go on group dates. It’s also important to just be yourself, and you damn well better be here for The Right Reasons. After 5 episodes, we’ve seen exactly 2 rose ceremonies; apparently, “to be continued” is the new “next week – on the Bachelorette”. Kaitlyn is mauling guys like Farmer Chris playing spin the bottle and she likes to wear a lot of sparkly dresses. And guys, take my advice on this: you need to start shaving. Seriously, this whole beard craze has officially run its course. More specific highlights:

Kaitlyn vs Britt

LBH and I purposely avoided all “news” about the show, so we literally had no idea who would win the Battle for Bachelorette Mountain. However, I had a pretty good feeling it was going to be Kaitlyn the entire time.

Thanks, Comcast!

We never hear the final tally, but listening to the guys talk, it seems like the vote was pretty close. Which brings me to my biggest question: if you’re a guy on this show, why are you telling anyone who you voted for? There’s no upside in that. If you vote for Britt and still make it past the first night, you know it’s coming up later in the season. People amaze me with their lack of foresight. It was a surprisingly classy touch telling Britt in private when The Producers could have hung her out to dry in front of the entire group. She’s completely shocked, of course, because she’s never lost a popularity contest. But things turn up for Britt, when Brady (the questionably talented “singer-songwriter”) chases after her to see if there’s anything there. The Producers give them the post-credit segment, and Britt gets to promote her C-level reality status, Brody (Brady? Briny?) gets to promote his burgeoning music career. They frolic, have fake proposals, and then pitch ABC for a new reality show.

Opening Night

Every group needs the resident drunk, and Ryan the Junkyard Specialist was more than happy to oblige. His turn-ons are junk, an open bar, and getting “all horned up”. His turn-offs include conflict resolution, jacuzzi cars, and short-term memory. He was more obnoxious than entertaining – my boy Drunk Craig from a couple seasons ago walked the line much better – and he gets canned before the night’s over. The best part for me? Ryan was confronted by no less than 5 very large guys during the night, and he almost starts a fight with all of them. But when Vito brings him outside to talk to Chris “The Godfather” Harrison, Ryan backs down like a puppy with his tail between his legs. Roll over, son;  the Alpha Dog is stepping in.

You’re gone, Ryan. As in, ‘Juan Pablo’ gone…

Josh, the law student form Chicago – hey, Chris Bukowski was from Chicago. Any chance this Josh guy is a little skeevy, too?

Kaitlyn – “Britt, you can have him…”

Josh the Welder makes Kaitlyn a rose out of solid steel, which is just about the best first night gift in history. He has to get the first impression rose for that, right? Nope, it goes to Shawn B, the Ryan Gosling look-alike. Because no matter how smart or talented or creative or funny you are, the guy that looks like Ryan Gosling wins. Period. Speaking of which, Lovely Better Half pointed out the uncanny resemblance approximately 185 times, and she had a silly little grin and glazed eyes every time he was on screen. When Shawn Gosling says “I’ve never fallen so far so quickly”, I roll my eyes and say “do you believe this?” LBH replies, “Of course not. But I like to hear it” and then goes back to mooning at the television. Hmmm….maybe she trades me in for him. Final thought of the first night: it’s dawn when these guys are walking out the door. That’s a long freaking night; no wonder people melt down.

The Boxing Match

When Ben Z hits that punching bag at full swing and it registers 785 pounds of force, I jumped out of my seat and hid behind the couch. That’s the equivalent of 2 motorcycles hitting you in the face. NO thank you. There’s a big difference between showing heart and being suicidal, and there’s no way I’m getting in the ring with that guy. Proof? I’m roughly the same size and body type as Jared, and it took Ben Z less than 15 seconds to send him to the hospital. Case closed; I’m sitting this one out. The funniest part is when Ben tells Kaitlyn that he’s only been in “like 1 or 2 fights” in his life. Yeah, no kidding, pal. It’s because you’re built like Godzilla and NOBODY fucks with you.

Tony the Healer

“Love is as perennial as the grass.”

“I want to know if what I’m looking for and what she’s looking for can co-exist.”

“Why does everything have to be a dick-measuring contest? Can’t we just go to the zoo?”

Doing standup comedy: “I’m a heartfelt guy. I believe that each life experience is a learning lesson. I’m just thankful for the opportunity.”

“I could be the most balanced, zen-like person in the world.”

“I’ve determined that you’re a combination lock. A little this way, a little that way, and there’s gold inside.”

“I stepped away from my business, my dog, my bonsai trees.”

“I’ve worked very hard in my advancement, and I can’t find happiness reverting back to my primal instincts.”

“I see through the eyes of a child, I have the heart of a warrior, and the soul of a gypsy.”

Regarding sumo wrestling: “I would be terrified if I was the other guy.” [the other guy being a 4 time world champion sumo wrestler.

Speaking of sumo wrestling:

The return of Jillian’s ass-box!

Tony personifies my belief that all of these life-journey, chakra, soul-healer guru people are actually the complete opposite of the image they like to portray. He should move to Marin, find himself a nice, self-aware champion of human kindness, and they can yell at parents of small children on airplanes together.

SAW VII – The Dating Game

Lovely Better Half and I decided that if we ever did this Escape Room thing, we’d be divorced by the time the gas started pouring in. And then she would run off with Shawn Gosling, and I would try find someone like Kaitlyn, but more likely end up with someone like Crazy Ashley from last season. How creepy was that date? Snakes, scorpions, digging through a toilet – no thanks. I’ll stick to a couple drinks and some nice conversation. It worked out well for Ben Z, though. Kaitlyn thinks he’s a big gigantic hunk o’ man’s man, and he’s definitely in the Final Four. I’m not buying that crap about him not crying since he was 15, though. I think he’s setting her up for some romantic water-works later in the season. Then again, maybe I’m just a cynic. And I’m certainly not calling him a liar, because he scares the hell out of me. Almost as much as birds scare Kaitlyn. By the way, The Boy loves birds. LOVES them. I’ve seen Rio and Rio2 about 400 times in the past 5 weeks. It’s getting old, but hey, at least it’s not Frozen.

JJ “Former” Investment Banker

This guy is WAY too cock-sure of himself for a “former” anything who lives at home with his parents. But, just like we need a solid drunk every year, we also need the prick who taunts the other contestants and “acts one way around Kaitlyn, and another way around the guys”, and he’s playing his part well. Though I think he blows it a little bit by telling Kaitlyn he’s not here to make friends. He underestimates how much she dislikes Britt and the way she played last season. Oh yeah, and showering with Clint probably doesn’t help, either…

JJ and Clint – A Bachelor Love Story

Ummm…I’m really not sure where to start, other than to say that, for the first time ever, I’m REALLY looking forward to the Men Tell All episode. Just…wow. Things started pretty normal for Clint. He had a great 1-on-1 date. Kaitlyn even talked about the “three levels of kissing Clint”. A little insight: if a girl is classifying your different kissing styles, she’s digging on you. And then things got very sideways very fast.

They cook together. They hot tub together. They serenade each other. They both love turtles. Clint pops JJ’s back acne (sorry…I just threw up in my mouth a little). They shower together. And, oh yeah, Clint says things like “I never thought I’d come on the Bachelorette and fall in love with a man. I don’t really like Kaitlyn, but I need to get a rose so I can still be with JJ.” OK. That’s one idea. Another idea is you and JJ give up the charade and run-off together to get your own reality show, because I guarantee you ABC is listening to your pitch before Britt and Briny’s (Brody? Breaky?). That breakup was legitimately difficult to watch. JJ was crying and slapping himself in the face. There are some deep-seeded emotional issues lurking around that should not be coming out on national television. The whole situation kind of makes you look at Clint’s drawing of Chris Harrison in a new light, doesn’t it?

I already told LBH that I want this for Christmas.

And finally, The Return of Crazypants!

So, we’re having a fairly ho-hum group date, listening to some mildly entertaining rap battles between too many guys wearing too much J Crew, when who do we spot in the audience?

Crazy! Is Nick dating Ashley S? That’s so random!

And then The Producers deliver the greatest gift of all. Crazypants Nick went down to his mother’s basement, took off all the pictures on his Shrine to Andi, and pasted Kaitlyn’s head on all their bodies. Then he lit some candles, ritualistically flogged himself in penance, donned his favorite human skin-suit and leather mask, and stalked Kaitlyn online. He flies out to New York, asks to join the show, and against her own better judgment and the advice of any sane person involved, she let’s him move in with the guys.

AWE. SOME.

There’s NO downside to this. The guys are pissed. Kaitlyn is only going to be more indecisive. JJ is going to act like an even bigger dick, just to compete with Nick for the Villain spot. And we get to watch Nick fall in love through fresh eyes, because – unlike Andi’s season – We know now. We know he’s vindictive. We know he’s unhinged. And every time he whispers sweet little thoughts about their relationship blossoming, we know it’s coming from a place of possessiveness and lunacy, and because Kaitlyn wanted to let him on the show, we know she’ll be blind to it. And I can’t wait until he gets dumped for the second time on this show, because honestly people, we have no idea what he’s capable of. But we do know that Chris Harrison and The Producers will not miss the opportunity to film his downward spiral into Stalk-ville again, and it’s going to be GREAT television.

It doesn’t bother Kaitlyn that Nick looks like a crazy John Lithgow ?

…

That’s what I got. Other random, non-Bachelor related thoughts since I’ve been gone:

Welcome to the world, Princess Charlotte, and thank god Will and Kate didn’t give her the same name as The Girl. You two just spared me a lifetime of answering “oh, how cute! Did you name her after the Royal Baby?” Speaking of which, is anyone sitting prettier than Prince Harry right now? That guy is so far away from the throne, it would take an act of god to make him King of England. All of the privilege and none of the responsibility. His days are filled with pool parties, his nights with strip poker until dawn. Rock on, Harry.

Whiplash – Holy cow, it was amazing. Best movie I saw this year. And by “best movie”, I mean best Oscar-style movie. The actual best movie was Guardians of the Galaxy, no question. And yes, I’m a complete dork, and yes, LBH still refuses to watch it with me.

Do you think John Mayer and Coldplay are secretly pissed off that Ed Sheeran and Imagine Dragons stole their respective careers overnight?

Caitlyn Jenner – You want to be a woman? Knock yourself out. In light of war in Ukraine, Syria, and Iraq (and, seemingly, a couple US cities), the crippling drought in California, human trafficking, the inexorable disappearance of the American middle class, nuclear negotiations with Iran, increasing wealth disparity, China rattling its saber in Asia, the financial crumbling of the Eurozone, ISIS having an entire blog dedicated to beheadings, domestic spying, Boko Haram, civil war in Sudan, North Korea acting just-plain-weird, and the general tearing-apart of the world’s social fabric, one person’s choice over how they want to live their own life kinda seems like much-ado-about-nothing.

Then again, so does The Bachelorette, and I just wrote 3800 words about that. By the way, did anyone actually make it to the end of this?

See you tonight…