The Bachelorette Week 5 – Return of the Jedi

Welcome back to New York City, home of Times Square, Broadway, the Yankees, and the Inquisition of Nick Viall:

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If you can make it here, you’ll make it anywhere…

The guys pepper him with questions (you know, to figure out if he’s here for “the right reasons”) and Nick deflects like the pro that he is. He has a whole season of being hated under his belt, so this confrontation is pretty minor league for him. The bottom line is that these guys are scared because they know Kaitlyn wouldn’t go so far outside the lines to invite Nick in if she wasn’t completely into him. And like any evil genius, Nick simply sits back and allows them to be consumed by their own fear…muwhahahaha…

The cocktail party/rose ceremony is at Citi Field (was Yankee Stadium too expensive? Or is Chris Harrison a Mets fan?), and Kaitlyn shows up in sparkles. The guys bitch about Nick while JJ barely manages to carry all 112 pounds of Bachelorette around the bases without collapsing. I’m going out on a limb and saying that any guy that struggles to pick her up is not making the Final Four. Let’s hand out some roses. (For only the THIRD time this season, by the way. Are they airing this show through November?) Everyone lines up on the coldest field on the planet and Chris Harrison does not look happy to be there.

Pre-Rosed:

Justin – Who? Did he just show up with Nick?

Jared – still dizzy from getting punched 2 weeks ago

Chris – walking dental ad, super smiley, way too nice for Kaitlyn

Staying:

Ben H – is he the one that’s good at teaching kids about sex? Does that sound weird to you, too?

Ben Z – Godzilla

Shawn Gosling

Tanner – Auto Finance Guy?

Joe Kentucky

Ian – quite the catch, as we’ll soon find out

JJ – “former” lover of Clint

Joshua – the welder who’s afraid of girls

Nick and his Jedi mind tricks

You’re Done:

Corey – “actual” Investment Banker who doesn’t live with his parents.

Jonathon – who?

Ryan B – Do you realize this guy rode a bike from Florida to California to support a dog rescue? Just read it on his online profile. How did that not come up in conversation?

Side note, do you realize how hard it is to keep track of these guys if you’re not writing it down every week? I had to re-watch the ceremony like 5 times. Anyway, Nick says “I’m here, deal with it”, so it didn’t take him long to get back into cocky prick mode, and then they’re off to San Antonio.

(At this point, Lovely Better Half tells me to pause the show, and says “You know what I hope happens? I hope they send Nick and Ryan Gosling on a 2-on-1 date, and Kaitlyn has to choose, and Ryan Gosling sends Nick home.” I ask her if she realizes that Shawn is not the ACTUAL Ryan Gosling, but her eyes just flutter a little, and she whispers “my hero” under her breath as she turns back to the tv. I’m legitimately worried about my living status in the house at this point. Hit play.)

Ben H Date – Let’s Take Our Love One Step at a Time

The two potential lovebirds go to the oldest dance hall in Texas, get lessons in the Two Step, and then enter a competition. It goes pretty much as expected. They dance, a bunch of old people tell us why dancing is like love, and old lady dances (awwww…..) and Kaitlyn and Ben H make out in the back of a pickup while she thinks about Nick and he tries to remember his lesson plan from the elementary school (“where do I put this, again?”). Is it weird that I was more excited about the pickup truck than the date? That was a sweet ride. Maybe the Welder and I should have a bromance. I hear it’s all the rage this season. Later, they have dinner on a roof somewhere, and Ben H talks about his ex-girlfriend a lot. Kailtyn asks if he’s ready to get married at 26, and he says “ummm….”, but he’s good-looking enough and Kaitlyn doesn’t have anywhere else to be, so they make-out some more. Result: Rose. Maul.

Group Date – I Love a Man in Uniform

Sweet-hearted little Chris the Dentist reads the names so fast, I had to re-watch this part 5 times, too. Where’s the fire, buddy? Slow down a little; create an air of suspense. Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua, and Nick. If I recall correctly, Nick was never very good on group dates. Mime Date from Andi’s season, anyone? The dude went down like the Hindenburg. Interesting choice putting him on the first group date.

And the Humiliation Train rolls on, because we’re mariachi singing, people. The guys write their own lyrics and serenade Kaitlyn in a public square, and it’s predictably bad. Ian boasts about his phenomenal singing ability, so we all know what happens next – he chokes horrendously. It’s the group date curse; he who braggeth, bombeth the most. Nick, painfully aware of his own past failings, is hitting the scotch early and often:

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It’s gotta be 5 o’clock somewhere…

And, magically, it works. Nick goes last, brings Kaitlyn up to the balcony and sings a song about his erection. Even the guys that hate him have to give him credit for bringing her up there. Except for Josh the Welder, who is in the early stages of an epic implosion, and can’t let go of the fact that Nick shouldn’t be here. Side note: Sebastian De La Cruz, the kid singing at the beginning, was the same kid who sang the national anthem at game 3 of the NBA finals in San Antonio a couple of years ago. There was some backlash because he was wearing his mariachi outfit, and the typical idiots tweeted the typical garbage, despite the fact that Sebastian was born and raised in San Antonio and his dad served in the US Navy and, oh yeah, being a proud American and proud of your heritage are not mutually exclusive things. As a show of support, the Spurs invited him back for game 4, and he sang again and he absolutely NAILED it. Good for you, pal; way to stand up.

The sun sets, and we find our intrepid love explorers in an old west saloon. Josh the Welder begins the Night of Bad Decisions by letting Kaitlyn cut his hair, despite the fact she’s been hitting the whiskey booth in the catering tent since noon. Of course she jacks it up, and of course the clippers break before she can fix it.

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And THIS is what you get for calling me a ‘barber’…can one of these interns bring me another whiskey?

Next up for tonight’s round robin make-out session is Nick, who says he “doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time”:

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Let’s get to it, then…

…And then he rehashes a lot of the drivel he spouted during Andi’s season and I lose interest for a couple minutes. However, the big news of the night is…

The Epic Collapse of Josh the Welder or How Nick Became the Good Guy By Doing Absolutely Nothing

Let’s start by getting inside Josh’s mind a little bit. He’s nervous around women, slightly insecure, he’s threatened by Nick, and even he doesn’t know why he needs to confront him; he’s just frustrated and feels like he needs to say something to somebody. A little advice – if you don’t know why you’re doing something, or if you can’t adequately explain why you’re doing something, stop doing it. Immediately. Anyway, Josh peppers Nick about Andi’s season, and Nick says something about being happy Josh was there and it’s good that he finished second. Which leads to this exchange:

Lovely Better Half: I don’t get it.

Me: He’s not explaining himself well, but what I think he means is that he wants the girl he marries to be 100% sure, and if there was another guy out there in the world that could steal her away – like Josh – he’s glad that guy was there. Because now he knows Andi wasn’t 100% sure about him.

LBH: But there’s always a better guy out there.

Me: [jaw dropping slightly, confused expression creeping across my face]

LBH: [laughing] I’m just saying, there’s a lot of guys out there.

Me: [making sure Shawn Gosling isn’t hiding behind the couch]

Have I mentioned how concerned I am about my status since completing my reproductive duties? I have? Ok, back to the date. If history doesn’t repeat itself, it certainly rhymes, and Josh ignores years worth of anecdotal evidence, continues the Night of Bad Decisions, and pulls Kaitlyn aside to throw Nick under the bus. This never works, and he’s especially bad at it because he doesn’t know what he’s trying to say. Complicating the situation, Kaitlyn is absolutely hammered.

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Wait, hold on…so you’re telling me that Chris Harrison ran off with Britt, Tony the Bonsai Healer is the new host, and Ben Z just destroyed a small fishing village outside of Tokyo? Whaaaaat? Let’s have another bourbon and figure this out together…

She’s making drunken leaps of logic, and suddenly “I don’t like Nick” becomes “everyone is lying to me”.  Josh rejoins the group and continues the Night of Bad Decisions by lying about where he was. When Kaitlyn shows up to slur her way through a confrontation, Josh has lost all credibility, and every single guy in the room hangs him out to dry.

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Dude…she’s loaded and Josh is digging his own grave. Don’t say a THING.

And now, by doing absolutely nothing, Nick is the nice guy; he’s the victim. Josh is suddenly the guy that lies and talks behind people’s backs. Nick = Jedi Master and Josh is going home. And for a parting gift, here’s a t-shirt that says “I went on the Bachelorette and all I got was this shitty haircut”. Result: Rose to Nick

Shawn Gosling 1-on-1 – Let’s Kayak Around a River? (Sorry, I didn’t write down the date card)

So, yeah, they kayak around a river. Shawn seems cool and normal and Kaitlyn is digging on this guy: “I love his voice, I love his smell. Oh, is that creepy?” No, Kaitlyn, no it’s not. I’ve talked about the elusive chemistry factor for a while, and sometimes you just like the way someone smells. I couldn’t agree with her more, and Shawn is going to be tough to beat. He opens up about a car accident, gets emotional, and Kaitlyn is SPRUNG:

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You are SO making it to the international part of the show…

By far the best part of the date, however, was my conversation with Lovely Better Half:

LBH: Why does he have his shirt off?

Me: They’re kayaking. Why do you want him to put his shirt on?

LBH: He’s not as good-looking with his clothes off.

Me: [small fist pump] Well, that’s going to be a problem for him.

I’m feeling slightly more secure, now. They meet later that night, Shawn officially becomes the first guy to use the L-word, Kaitlyn uses the word “husband” (wow), canoe, fireworks, Maul, Rose. Shawn Gosling is looking pretty good right now. Kaitlyn has mentioned before that she likes manly men, and Nick is definitely not that, so Jedi might be in trouble. God, I hope he finishes 2nd to another Josh-type guy. That would be incredible.

And finally Ian Goes Full Douchebag. You Never Go Full Douchebag.

Kaitlyn shows up to the cocktail party sans sparkles, because shit’s about go down tonight, and sparkles just wouldn’t be appropriate. Ian is still wounded over his complete and total humiliation during the mariachi date, and decides the best way to heal is to furiously stroke his own ego and demean everyone around him. Did you know that he went to Princeton? Well, he did. He tells us like 8 times. He’s also an amazing athlete, a professional level singer, a former model, extremely intelligent, meets lots of girls and has a LOT of sex, he’s an enigma, and a gift that you unwrap for life. And this is one of the few times that I am not taking poetic license; he actually says all of these things. He thinks he would make an amazing Bachelor, he deserves to choose from 25 women, and, apparently, the best way to prove this to America is to belittle and humiliate a perfectly nice woman on national television. Uh-huh. OK.

So…exactly when did Princeton start admitting complete dumb shits?

How he thinks this gets him on the Bachelor, I have no idea, but he runs with it. He tells Kaitlyn she’s just here to get her field plowed, calls her surface level, says he’s basically further along the evolutionary line than everyone within a country mile, and drops the mic and walks out. I’m not sure if that approach is gonna work for you, buddy, but if you’re willing to take some advice from a simple-minded public school kid: don’t hold your breath waiting for the phone to ring.

As is the new norm this season, TO. BE. CONTINUED…

See you next week, folks.

And now, let’s listen to Kaitlyn sing mariachi…(and she’s actually not bad)

4 comments

  1. OK here’s the plan: since kids need to bond with their same-sex parent during puberty, you take the girl for 9 years and get your wife to take the boy for 9 years. Then you switch in time for puberty to hit. This is perfect for you for many reasons: 1. Your wife will be too exhausted to entertain any thought of running off with Shawn 2. Boys are freaking hell when they are little and girls are easy – this reverses when they hit 12 years old, so you get the best of both worlds.

    NOW who’s the Jedi?!?

    Like

  2. Oh holy. That haircut. Why? I think I missed a portion somewhere because all of a sudden the guy was like, “You’re a barber. Right? A barber. You’re a barber. Soo…” And I was thinking is Kaitlyn a hairdresser and he can’t think of the proper more girlie name? But then I couldn’t remember what Kaitlyn was to know if she was a hairdresser, or barber or something else. I was so confused. And there’s no way I was gonna rewind.

    So many downhill slides here. Welder just not being to able to get his thoughts back on track and stop his madness of trying to oust Nick when alllll the warning signs are there to just stop talking. Ian going full metal crazy saying things about himself and Kaitlyn that can never be said. And Kaitlyn seems to be sliding more towards a yolo “let’s do this!” attitude as well as trying desperately to show the guys what she won’t tolerate. At some point, just roll your eyes at the Kupah’s – why even give them your time and attention to tell them how they are acting.

    Yikes. I seem to be all over the place. Just like Welder. This season is draining my focus.

    Like

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