Welcome to the Grand Finale of the Most Dramatic Season in Bachelor History! Coming to you LIVE, from our studio in Los Angeles (Glendale). Chris Harrison is quick to tell us that despite the national controversy, the audience is dying to find out who Kaitlyn will choose. Calling this season a “national controversy” might be a little strong; it’s not exactly the Snowden leaks or Watergate. Let’s keep some perspective. The boys are still in Utah, packing for the big trip to exotic and faraway Malibu. Just for curiosity’s sake, I looked up some of the past finale locations: New Zealand, St Lucia, Cape Town, Switzerland, Thailand. Malibu’s beautiful and all, but come on – they’re spending NO money this season. At this point, I’m surprised they didn’t rent out Chris Soules’s barn for $53 and a bag of feed. It also looks like they made the trip by stagecoach, because somewhere between Utah and Malibu, Nick grew a full beard.

How much of a break did they have? You don’t grow that overnight – at least, I hope not. By the way, nice half-shirt you’re packing, Nick. Gotta show off that midriff. He better not wear that when he meets Kaitlyn’s family. Speaking of which – why don’t we do that now!

Sweet pad. Does Chris Harrison know the interns took over his house? If there’s a single stain or broken wine glass, heads are gonna roll…

Nick, Meet Family

A few takeaways on the family: 1) The sister is officially the Biggest #1 Bachelor Superfan in the world, 2) Mom HATES Nick, and 3) Dad’s not sure what time zone he’s in.

Where are we? Is this Price is Right?

Seriously, his expression doesn’t change the entire time. Kaitlyn preps the family unit for Nick by begging them not think about Andi’s season, to which Mom replies, “Are you kidding me? The guy went full-on Norman Bates on national television. How am I supposed to ignore that?” Nick alleviates any concerns about him being creepy by mumbling into his hand while he stares at the coffee table; he can’t look anyone in the eye. Then he cries when asking mom for Kaitlyn’s hand in marriage. No concerns there. The meeting with dad goes a little smoother:

Nick: You cool with this?

Dad: Sure, but can I see what’s behind door #2, Bob?

And with that out of the way, Nick feels fantastic! He has an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime connection with Kaitlyn (ok – maybe twice-in-a-lifetime…), and he’s never felt more confident about their relationship. Maybe, there might be, like, 1% of him that’s concerned about Shawn. Meanwhile, back at the studio:

They look happy…

Could they telegraph the ending any more clearly than that? My god, Nick’s mom is dressed for a funeral, and Little Sis looks like her dog just died. There’s a studio cameraman looking for a job this morning because of that shot. Why is Nick’s family even there? Does he need a 24 hour chaperone, so he doesn’t go to “his dark place” again?

Family, Meet Shawn

Shawn: Which one is the toughest?

Kaitlyn: Mom is the toughest.

Shawn: Yeah, I’m nervous.

Lovely Better Half: [giggle] That’s sooo sweet!

And that’s pretty much how this segment goes. Everybody loves Shawn. The family, LBH, the studio audience, Chris Harrison – everybody. Kaitlyn’s sister wants to have a million babies with him and she hasn’t even talked to him yet:

I’m definitely on Team Shawn. You two are good together and all, but I just want to see that hunk o’ man at home every Christmas. I’ll give you $1000 for 5 minutes alone with him…

He gives a toast to the room without mumbling or staring at his feet, and mom literally says “Now that’s a man!” There are some questions about jealousy issues, but it’s all just filler. He asks both Mom and Dad for Kaitlyn’s hand, doesn’t cry while doing it, and this one’s in the bag. But, not before we have two final dates.

Nick Date

They meet in Marina Del Rey – so we’re not even leaving LA county. Nick gets a boat date (my favorite!), which, coincidentally enough, is the same final date Josh had during Andi’s season. Hmmm… Is it just me or does Nick talk like he’s one of Kaitlyn’s girlfriends? If that’s how he really is, it’s weird, and if it’s an act, it’s scary. Anyway, they float around and cuddle and talk about Gossip Girl and which boys they think are cute, and then meet later that night. Nick mumbles and toasts the floor, then gives Kaitlyn a picture frame and a poem. It’s a nice gesture, but he gave Andi a hand-illustrated fairy tale about their journey. I know he’s “never felt so confident before”, but he’s kind of hedging his bets in the gift department. Kaitlyn is starting to look really guilty, and she’s trying to figure out if she can dump him by text instead of face-to-face. Hey, they met by text message, right? Sounds fair to me.

Shawn Date

Kaitlyn: Hey! Do you want to have a really awkward and uncomfortable picnic at a winery in Malibu? It’s a beautiful day for it!

Shawn: Sure! Let’s dance around unspoken subjects and get way too deep inside our own heads!

I wasn’t nervous at all until this date…

Night time: Shawn wants tonight to just not be weird. Kaitlyn apologizes, but she’s really nervous about sending Nick home. PLUS The Producers said she can’t dump him until he pulls out the ring, or else they won’t pay for her and Shawn’s wedding. Then they talk about how they’re going to keep things spicy 7 years from now when they have kids. That’s funny. I got some advice for you. First, no sex at night. When you go to sleep, that’s pretty much all you want to do – sleep. Second, forget about foreplay and sexy lingerie, and learn to attach an on/off switch to your libido. Because when those kids go down for a nap, you got about 30 minutes before one of them wakes up, and you need to be ready to rock-and-roll. Next, it’s gift time, and “Shawn” (aka “Intern”) put together a memory jar with little tidbits from the season. By the way, Lovely Better Half was visibly offended by my suggestion that Shawn didn’t come up with this on his own. “No…He’s so sweet!” And then she hit me. See? Keeping it spicy.

Wow! I can’t believe the interns kept all this stuff! Look, the original script for Britt and Brody’s spin-off show….

Proposal Day

We see some obligatory shirtless shots, and then Neil Lane stops by Josh’s – I mean, Shawn’s room. Sorry; it’s just that things are starting to feel awfully familiar. And it’s not just me. Apparently, Nick throws up every time he hears a knock on the door now.  Which he almost does this time, and then collapses in a sweaty, babbling heap when he sees Surreal Neil Lane on the other side of the door.

I’m just so glad it’s you. You have no idea how nervous I was. I almost didn’t answer the door. I can’t even look at you, I’m so relieved…

Time to suit up. The romantic location for the proposal? Perhaps a cliff overlooking the Pacific, or a beach at sunset? Nope, Bachelor Mansion. Open. Up. The Checkbook. And so Kaitlyn goes to receive her proposal by the same pool where Drunk Junkyard Ryan swam in his man-kini underwear and Clint and JJ made-out and popped each other’s back acne.

Sparkles!

Seriously, though – she looks great. Nick is out of the limo first, and is visibly nervous, but makes it through his speech without stumbling, mumbling or looking at his feet. Then he reaches for the ring, The Producer yells “Now!” in Kaitlyn’s earpiece, and she tells him to stop.

Are you f’ing kidding me?

He was actually starting to look a little relaxed by the end of it too, like he had made it home. Brutal. He looks pissed. Kaitlyn tries to tell him that her feelings were real, but he’s not having it. He basically says if your feelings were the same, we’d be engaged, so don’t tell me that you love me because you don’t. Which, to give him credit, I don’t necessarily disagree with. I know I wanted him to lose his mind, but he doesn’t really say anything out-of-bounds here. Except the whole “you took things from me” line; that was weird. Anyway – tough break, dude. I think they’re still filming Bachelor in Paradise; you should get down there. Mexico’s way better than you mom’s basement.

Come get your girl, Shawn. He says he can’t hear himself think. Do you normally hear yourself think? Isn’t that the fundamental difference between speaking and thinking? It’s standard proposal fare, with much hugging and smiling and mauling and yelling “I love you!”

Look out Kaitlyn! There’s a bird on your arm!

And there you go folks, another season in the bag. It was a rocky road, but these two crazy kids stuck it out and they’re madly in love and I hope it works out wonderfully for both of them. And I’ll go back to what I said in Week 1 (or Week 5, because I started late) when Josh the Welder made a rose out of solid steel, and still lost the first impression rose to Shawn: no matter how smart or talented or creative or funny you are, the guy that looks like Ryan Gosling wins. Period.

That might be the first time ever that I actually knew what I was talking about.

….

After the Final Rose – Because Two Hours Just Aren’t Enough

The Producers are actually making Nick and Shawn sit down together? That’s just mean.

Kaitlyn & Shawn – We’re so in love! It feels like Christmas! We can’t wait to make memories! Yay!

Nick – They spend a lot of time talking about his relationship with Kaitlyn before the show started. Texting, calling, video chatting (aka, internet sex). LBH thinks they’re trying to make their hook-up look less like a drunken one-night stand, and more like a natural relationship. I tend to agree with her. Chris Harrison: “So, do you want to talk to Shawn? No? Well, too bad.” Poor Nick; talk about kicking a guy while he’s down.

Nick & Shawn – They try to play nice, but it’s clear that they hate each other and neither guy wants to be there. I think Nick tried to extend an olive branch and Shawn was a little bit of a dick, but as LBH correctly pointed out, what is Shawn supposed to do? Give him a hug and pinky-swear to be BFF’s forever and ever? They’ll never see each other again; there’s no need to kiss and make up.

Nick & Kaitlyn – Kaitlyn is nervous that Nick will pull a repeat performance of Andi’s season, but the whole segment is pretty tame. If I’m honest, this is not Chris Harrison’s finest moment; the questions aren’t very good and he’s trying to stir up drama that no one wants stirred up. I bet he can’t wait to get back to Tulum. The segment ends, and we’re finally done grilling these two, right? Nope! More with Nick and Kaitlyn when we come back!

Will someone PLEASE get me out of here….

They go through the breakup again. It’s not like we just watched it 45 minutes ago; we need to see the scene in it’s entirety one more time. I think The Producers are trying to break Nick on live TV. Maybe that’s why his family is there; to hit him with tranquilizer gun in case he goes full T-Rex on the studio crew. Harrison finally asks Nick about the “taking things” comment, which is the only good question of the night. Nick is offended that Kaitlyn didn’t stop him before he gave his speech, because now he can’t have those words back. So, basically, your pissed that you can’t recycle your proposal for another girl. Got it. They get a little feisty, but Harrison ends it before it gets too crazy.

More Kaitlyn & Shawn – I’m finished at this point. My eyes are on fire and I want to knock myself out with a hammer. Shawn tells the internet to stop picking on his girl and we’re done. Roll credits as the audience comes up for free hugs and ass-grabs with Shawn Gosling. Nick’s mom is first in line. Just kidding.

Next week – Bachelor in Paradise premiers with a two night special event. The air is thick with hormones and crazy; should be awesome.

See ya then, my friends, and thanks for sticking with me for one more season!