So many previews, so many tears…even the guys are crying this season. Chris Harrison welcomes us to beautiful Sayulita, Mexico, and invites us to join the cast’s booze-fueled journey of love. Last season, it worked out for one of the couples. One? Out of 25 people, one couple actually stayed together? Nice to see The Producers vigorously defending that 7.6% success rate. But who cares, because last time we saw our fearless Host, he looked like this:

I’ve been stuck in Ireland in the dead of winter for 6 weeks. If I don’t get out of here soon, I’m impaling myself on the first broadsword I find.

But now, he looks like this:

Tequila in a coconut, bitches!

That’s the happiest he’s looked in weeks. Sometimes, you just need a change of scenery, I guess. Let’s meet the starters:

Jade (Farmer Chris’s season) – “Hi Jade! Why don’t you find the beach, find the bar.” “Thanks, Chris!”

Jared (Kaitlyn) – So heartbroken, but he needs to date other people, and by “date” he means “steamroll his way through all the drunk chicks in Mexico he can find.”

Tenley – Jake’s season, before my time. She got dumped by Jake, and then she was in a 5 year relationship with some guy from Bachelor Pad, who dumped her and knocked someone else up 6 months later? Raw deal, sister. These shows don’t seem to be working out for you. Maybe you should try online dating?

Cruiseship Carly (Farmer Chris) – Funny, cute. I liked her until she became Bitter and Vindictive Carly. Of course, Britt seemed to have that effect on people. By the way, I wonder how Britt and Brocky (Barky? Banksy?) are doing? Never got that reality show, huh?

Jonathon (Kaitlyn) – We didn’t see much of him last season, but he comes out strong tonight. He seems a little too excited about the I-Lash sisters showing up, like it automatically means “threesome”. Then, he gets even more excited when he finds out Ashley’s a virgin. Ease up, playboy. Of course, little sister makes it abundantly clear that she is definitely not a virgin, so maybe he can get still score with one of them.

Tanner (Kaitlyn) – He dresses as a woman and talks to himself; he talks to geese; he plays video games at work. He’s funny. I’m looking forward to this guy.

Mikey T (Desiree?) – Introduces himself as the Alpha Male, and offers to get all the guys jacked by the end of the month. Sees Lauren I-lashes and initiates Meathead Dating Ritual by pulling off his shirt and dragging her into the water to weaken her ability to resist. I’m a little surprised he didn’t sniff her crotch, or pee on her to mark his territory.

Ashley I-Lashes (Farmer Chris) – shows up with her sister Lauren I-Lashes, who might be more shallow and vain than she is. And I didn’t think I would ever say that. Seriously, these two are still in high school, and I get dumber every time they open their mouths. And they might be my favorite two people on the show. Embrace the train wreck, my friends.

Juelia (Farmer Chris) – Has a kid, was a little boring. Didn’t do much this episode to change my opinion.

Kirk (Ali’s season) – another one from before my time. I got nothing.

Dan (Desiree?) – don’t remember this guy at all. Did Desiree send him home the first night? I can’t believe The Producers have to dig that deep to find people for this show. Hell, I’d go on right now, just to get a break from the kids. Let’s see – listen to Ashley cry or listen to my kids cry?

Jillian (Farmer Chris) – who has two new best friends, and she’s ready to show ’em off!

She needs to trade the ass-box for a boob-box…

JJ (Kaitlyn) – who is introduced with a conveniently placed “I hope there’s no douchebags” reference. Oh, the clever film editing…

Ashley S (Farmer Chris) – She chases a pig and holds a chicken. She gets distracted by parrots. She tells us that people only got to see one side of her, and she has way more personalities than that. And she’s playing up the crazy thing pretty hard. I hope it doesn’t go beyond entertaining and venture into annoying territory.

And that’s it for now. This week, the guys are handing out the roses, and the sisters are a package deal. Jonathon practically falls off the couch when he hears that. But before we get started, it’s a wedding for the most boring couple in the world!

I pulled one from the archive. I couldn’t muster the energy to get a new picture – Marcus and Lacy literally sap my will to live.

My god, I thought I was done with these two. Marcus says the vows were difficult to write. Not as difficult as they were to listen to, pal.

Marcus: Lacy. I love how tender you make me feel. I want to spend the rest of my life growing as a person, as you will grow in my heart and fulfill me with the love that grows between us, in turn helping us grow together. I love you today, and yesterday, though not as much yesterday as I will tomorrow, but more tomorrow than I do today, and then next week, I’ll love you slightly more than last February, except for February 14th, because that’s Valentines Day, and I love you more that day than any other day, except for next year’s Valentine’s Day, which will be the most I’ve ever loved anything ever.

Lacy: We have defined love, not like in the dictionary, but like in real life. We have spoken words to each other, but they are unspoken. Words like “sacred covenant”, which I actually did have to look up in a dictionary. So, I choose you and why are you so sweaty?

Chris Harrison pronounces them husband and wife, and Juelia catches the bouquet, which is pretty much the only thing she does this episode. I’m already checking the clock. Is it at all possible that tonight is only an hour? Nope. Two hours, two nights, every single week. The Producers are testing my resolve. I might have to make this first recap quick and dirty, kind of like…

Cruiseship Carly and Kirk – How’s that for a segue? These two didn’t waste any time. Kirk tells Carly that she has freakishly small, carnival hands, and Carly falls all kinds of in love. She keeps waiting for Kirk to kiss her…and waiting, and waiting, and still waiting. Finally she takes matters into her own hands and shows Kirk the cruise ship way.

Dude, we’re only at sea for 5 days. Make a move already!

Then they run off to tell everyone they made out, and spend the rest of the night pawing each other.

Ashely I and Jared – Ashley loooves Jared, because of his temperament and his face, but mostly because he looks like Aladdin. The only problem is that she’s afraid to talk to the mythical object of her desire, so she cries. She’s so nervous and she feels like everything she says is stupid, which leads us directly to this exchange:

Ashley: so, like, last season, like, everyone totally thought I had this like Princess Jasmine thing going…

Jared: You look like Princess Jasmine.

Ashley: OMIGODTHANKYOU! That’s like the biggest compliment anyone has ever given me ever! Totally!

I don’t know why she’s worried about sounding stupid. On the bright side, if Jared is looking for something pointless to help him get over Kaitlyn, Ashley I. has “pointless” pretty much covered. After their stimulating conversation about cartoon characters, Jared runs off to talk to Jade for a while, and Ashley cries again. Then she laugh-cries, which is new to me. Also, her sister cries because everyone is like so totally old.

Then, joy of joys, Ashley gets the date card, so she cries a little bit, discusses strategy with her sister (“should I wear my hair like Khloe or Kourtney? Should I say ‘would you like to join me’ or ‘will you join me’? I don’t want to sound desperate.”), and finally works up the nerve to speak to him. Jared says yes, and they go offroading.

Did Jared learn to drive during the break? If Ashley had seen this guy trying to drive in that parking lot in Ireland, she might have thought twice about inviting him on this date. Miraculously, they make it to a beach alive, and Jared tells Ashley all about Kaitlyn, while Ashley teaches him about the link between statistical analysis and astrology, and she’s feeling super-extra-wonderful. The only thing that could possibly make her cry (besides, well, everything) is Jade getting a date card.

Jade Gets a Date Card – and Ashley I. is scared that the non-virgin Playboy model is going to take her man away. Lauren tries to make her sister feel better: “Whatevs. Your shoes look like crap.” Thanks, sis. Why did I bring you here again? Every guy on the show has been after Jade like she’s the last woman on earth, which I honestly don’t get. She’s cute, but she’s not that hot. I actually think Ashley S is better looking. Or maybe I just like her because she’s insane, who knows. Anyway, Jade thinks long and hard and picks Tanner, who doesn’t think at all before blurting out “yes!”. It’s a pretty boring date, honestly, and Tanner looks nervous and he’s talking way too much, to the point that I write in my notes “This guy needs to shut up”. It’s exactly then they start making out and Jade invites him for a midnight swim/maul in the local river. The lesson as always: I have no idea what I’m talking about. And yes, I take notes. Copious amounts of notes. I need help.

Back at the house, lightening is flashing, a storm is brewing, and Carly says she hopes no one shows up that could take Kirk away from her, and we all recognize that lead-in by now. Say hello to Clare, who looks like she’s in fighting shape, and she has her Crazy Eyes set on Tanner, Kirk, and Jared. Let the catfights ensue.

Oh yeah, completely out of nowhere, Ashley S. got loaded into an ambulance.

Tonight, Ashley I. cries some more. See you later for round 2…