The first gift of the evening is that tonight’s episode is only an hour long. My eyeballs breathed a sigh of relief. The second gift of the evening is that Clare showed up with a date card, and the other ladies are guarding their men like lions guarding their cubs. Ashley I. has gone from cry-laugh to cry-fighting stance in a matter of seconds:

I call dibs on Jared! Double dibs! I touched him first! You stay away, old woman!

The girls are pushing Dan on Clare, because, according to Lauren, he looks like Hugh Jackman. Wolverine or Les Mis? Clare doesn’t look too sure about him, which is fine, because he shows up with Ashley S., and apparently they had the most amazing night at the hospital together. They both ordered the IV, and then shared an STD test for dessert. Lovely ambience, and the service was excellent. So, it looks like all the guys are spoken for except JJ and Mikey T:

Those are my choices? Are you sure there’s no way to get me on Dancing With the Stars?

Clare talks to a crab, and it’s kind of funny that this place is infested with crabs (I know that joke is just too easy, but I can’t help myself). Mikey T chivalrously offers his dating services, and although Clare isn’t normally into juiceheads, he is available, so…

Clare & Mikey Date

Clare is ready for zip lines, shark cages, riding dinosaurs – bring it on! What she’s not ready for is tantric yoga with a guy she’s not attracted to in the least. Times like this, it’s best to just let the pictures do the talking.

I think I did this once when I was in Mexico, too. Only I was 19, it was spring break, and there were no instructors. Mikey giggles like a high school kid and says his favorite position was “Downward Clare”. Mikey is a walking hormone, and Clare feels a desperate need to pump the brakes on this relationship – fast – though she has a little trouble getting her point across.

Mikey: I’m really attracted to you.

Clare: Thanks, that’s nice. But I want you to understand that I’m open to meeting other guys, and I would like to spend some time with other people before we start moving too fast.

Mikey: I want to kiss you right now.

Clare: Ok, that’s not really where I was going. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not interested in you romantically.

Mikey: I feel like I really nailed it with you today.

Clare: Are you listening to anything I’m saying right now?

Mikey: I’m so glad the feeling is mutual.

Ashley S and Dan

Back at the pool, everyone is swimming and making merriment. Except for Tenley, who is dressed up because, for some unknown reason, she thinks she’s getting the next date card. Who knows, maybe one of the house crabs whispered in her ear. Of course, the next date card is for Ashley S, who promptly asks Dan to join her, and Tenley is left hurt and confused, and wondering why that devious little crab would lie to her. Dan and Ashley have dinner in Puerto Vallarta later, and Ashley seems kinda cute and normal and nice. The whole batshit crazy thing is clearly an act. She’s a little quirky, maybe, but not insane. Mariachi music, then they make-out in the square – pretty standard Bachelor date.

It’s Rose Night

Of course, it’s not a cocktail party without some high drama from Ashley I. Tenley takes a walk on the beach with Jared while the I-lash sisters are hitting the buffet – and hitting it hard, I might add. Ashley sees them walk off together:

Well, as long as you don’t blow every little thing out of proportion or put too much pressure on anything, I’m sure you won’t completely freak Jared out. Then she calls Tenley an old lady, which is amazing because Tenley is 31, and only 4 years older than Ashley. What’s this girl going to do when she turns 30? If she’s still single in 3 years (which is a very real possibility), she is going to freak-the-fuck-out, and her sister will be ZERO help: “You know the only reason you’re so old and single is because of your crappy shoes and your makeup isn’t right and you need to fix your hair.” Anyway, Ashley decides to do shots until she can look Jared in the eye…

I can barely stand and my sister is picking her nose. So, you know, I got Jared right where I want him…

…and steals him away from Tenley to uncomfortably slur at him while he politely smiles and says things like “I think you’re amazing” and “you’re not awkward, I am” and “I kinda just want to see what happens while I’m here”. And as he talks, Ashley stares back at Jared, wide-eyed and mouth agape, dreaming of rubbing Aladdin’s magic lamp. Then, Jared immediately walks up to Clare and says, “I need to get away from that psycho. If you’re still around when my name is called, you’re getting my rose.”

I don’t know what I did. Why does this always happen to me? I hate old ladies!

So, everyone is pretty much paired off, with JJ untaken and Tenley and Jillian needing roses. Which means that this will be the first and last time in human history that two women will fight over JJ. Jillian takes JJ into her powerful grip and wrestles him into the daybed until he taps out. Tenley takes a gentler approach:

Pretend it’s Jared, pretend it’s Jared…

The bell rings, and it’s ceremony time:

Tanner picks Jade – this guy looks like he just won the lottery

Kirk picks Carly – the only thing I can think right now is that Carly is really, really cute when she’s sprung over a guy.

Dan picks Ashley S – I hope she doesn’t get boring when she’s taken

Jonathon picks Juelia – they’re still here?

Mikey T picks Clare – Clare doesn’t look happy

Jared picks Ashley (and Lauren) – and the sisters live to cry another week

JJ – milks the moment for all it’s worth, and then chooses Tenley

Everyone wave goodbye to Jillian and her new boobs. The box has left the building.

That’s it for the first week. We get some more previews, and holy cow, it’s my favorite contestant of all time:

Aloha Mexico! Yayyyyyy!!

Finally, Megan will be able to say that she’s visited both NEW and OLD Mexico. Bless her simple little heart. And, just a reminder:

Double the Bachelor, double the drama! Now, let’s watch a yogi dangle a chakra crystal over Mikey T’s bathing suit area. Fist pump, bro…

….

After Paradise Live!

Meh. Chris Harrison, a contestant, Jenny Mollen (a live blogger – thanks for the call, btw), and a pair of ABC affiliated, contractually obligated celebrity guests. They talk about the show, answer internet questions and have live polls. Writing too much about this feels like blogging about a blog, which is too far down the derivative chain for me. a few quick notes, though:

-Ashley I. looked good and was pleasantly self-deprecating.

-I never realized Jared had such a strong northeast accent. He hides it well on the show.

-Holy make-up case, Ashley. It has it’s own lights.

-I know I called him a meathead, too, but they were kinda harsh on Mikey T.

-Jenny Mollen – finally a woman that isn’t drooling all over Jared.

-Kentucky Joe looks like a dick.

-What does Chris Harrison do all day?

I’d tell you, Jenny, but then I’d have to kill you….