Bachelor in Paradise Week 2.1 – Why Is It Called Reality TV When Everyone is so Delusional?

We return to the scene of the rose ceremony, where JJ has handed the last rose to Tenley and sent Jillian packing.

JJ: I’m very excited about spending some more time with Tenley.

Tenley: I’m very excited to see who else is coming.

And therein lies our theme for the night: a lot of people think they’re in a relationship, but they’re really kinda not. That, and Lauren hates people and wants to go home. And apparently the I-Lash sisters like peeing outside.

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I just want to pee on the ground and take a Xanax and go home…

Speaking of which…Lauren, Mistress of Tears

Lauren is a very confused young lady. She’s tired of being around people who are all old and lame and stuff, and she cries about wanting to go home, which freaks Ashley I out, because if Lauren leaves, who will ridicule her choices in footwear and makeup? Lauren also makes a curious announcement that she’s someone’s mistress, but it’s cool because the guy isn’t married or anything. Let me guess – he dates a lot of other women, says he doesn’t want a commitment from you, but he calls once in a while, usually late at night after he’s been drinking, and wants to hook-up. Sound familiar, Lauren? Yeah – so, you’re a booty call. And now it’s all clear why Ashley I brought her sister to paradise: to get her away from the mystery man that’s using her as a backstop in case he doesn’t get lucky on his real dates, and she really hopes Josh shows up, because that’s the only way Lauren will ever stop being used. If she meets some guy from a tv show. That’s the only way. Conveniently enough, here comes Josh the Welder to save the day:

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Omigod I’m so happy to meet you I can hardly speak and…ummm….wow, you’re kinda sweaty in person…

Josh has a date card, and Lauren gets weird and aggressive enough to freak him out so he asks Tenley out instead. That’s about all the paradise that Lauren can handle and she bails, and no one really cares except Ashley I. Best line of the night goes to Juelia: “Who’s Lauren?” Too funny. See ya, little sis; take some advice and put your phone on mute after midnight.

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Is that really the quickest way to the parking lot?

JJ: I have a burgeoning relationship with Tenley. Josh is ZERO competition. He has no game and no moves. Giving him the date card is like giving the nuclear codes to an insane asylum.

Josh and Tenley

Despite the depth of her connection with JJ, Tenley yells “YES!” before Josh finishes inviting her, and it’s off to Sayulita for tacos, beer, and some awkward dancing.

Josh: I was a drama major in college. My favorite role was the village idiot in 12th Night.

Tenley: Oh fun! I was a professional dancer, and I even worked at Tokyo Disney for a while!

Josh: So…like…Chinese Ariel?

Tenley: Tokyo’s in Japan, dude. What did you say your favorite role was again?

So, not the brightest bulb in the pack, but he’s a “big ol’ bear of a man” and Tenley likey. They head home, JJ tries to pull her aside to make-out for a while, but Tenley manages to wriggle her way free and goes to bed with Josh instead.

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JJ: I kissed her, and I’m going to bed excited. I’m playing chess, and he’s playing tic-tac-toe. I don’t think Josh has sex very often, and there’s a reason I’m MUCH more successful on this front.

So things are looking good, at least until Josh starts talking to anyone and everyone about ecstasy. And he does it in a really weird way, too, like he smuggled some in his luggage and he’s fishing around to see if anyone wants to drop with him. But no one bites and they act all offended and I roll my eyes because give me a break – like no one in this crowd has touched a drug before. That’s how they all ended up in Mexico, dropping their keys in a bowl and swapping partners like t-shirts: clean living. Anyway, they stage an intervention with Tenley, and warn her about Josh’s evil ways. She questions him about it later and he says: “Oh, that Vegas thing? No, I tried it once, hated it. Not my scene…” and then he runs off to flush his stash down the toilet.

JJ: What are Josh and Tenley going to do together in Idaho? Eat pot roast every night? Have a log fire? And I bet he drives a 1975 pickup truck. What was that? Yeah, I cheated on my ex-wife while she was pregnant and I live with my parents. So what?

A Day in the Life of Ashley I – A Photo Essay

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JJ: If I think of Josh as a catch, he’s like a carp. He was dredging the ocean floor and you caught him. I bet $50,000 I get that rose before Josh does. The football players took the girls out, the hockey players took them to bed.

Kentucky Joe and Juelia

Joe shows up and reads the date card, and does this guy know how to read? Did Chris Harrison have to write it out phonetically for him? “Choooz ay gurl too go awn ay dayt whith.” Plus, he has the personality of a 2×4 and the whole room is feeling really awkward. Clare still likes him, though, mostly because he’s not Mikey. At least she did like him, up until the point he insults her for being on the show so many times, and now Clare runs off to yell at the raccoon.

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And yes I know it’s edited, and yes I know she’s not really talking to a raccoon, but who cares. It’s too good not to post. Lovely Better Half says that she would rather watch the editors work than see anything else behind the scenes, and I have to agree. Editing the raw footage for this train wreck has to be one of the best jobs on the planet. Oh, and then there’s this:

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PETA is going to have a field day with this…

So, Joe wanders around, trying to figure out how to speak, and then finally works up the nerve to sort of ask someone out maybe.

Joe: So…does anyone want to go horseback riding?

Juelia: [cautiously raises her hand] I do.

Joe: Ok.

Juelia: So…did you just ask me out on your date?

Joe: I don’t know. Did I?

Juelia: It sounded like it, but I’m not sure.

Joe: Ok, then.

Juelia: Are we going horseback riding or not?

Joe: Maybe.

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Nice headdress. Again, like NO ONE else on this show has done drugs before…

They eventually work it out, and ride horses to a waterfall and have a picnic. Juelia talks about what it’s like to have a two year old: “It’s like your heart is living outside your body, like running around somewhere else.” And LBH and I start laughing hysterically. Anyone that talks about a 2 year old that way hasn’t spent much time around a 2 year old. Two year olds are narcissistic little monsters that spend 60% of their time pushing your buttons and the other 40% ignoring you. Don’t get me wrong, if someone tried to steal The Boy, I’d kill ’em with my bare hands, but he is NOT “my heart running around outside my body.” That’s the type of shit you say when grandma’s watching the kid and you’ve been in Mexico for 2 weeks. Whatever, clearly her words touched Kentucky Joe, who flashes his best psychotic stare.

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When we’re done, your heart really is going to be outside your body…and in my fridge…

Something’s not right with that guy. Despite the fact that Juelia loves Joe and wants to have a million babies, LBH says he’s playing her, which is proven later when he tells a producer that Juelia isn’t very smart, and he’s just trying to hang on until Samantha shows up. Juelia may not be that smart, but at least she realizes when she’s on camera, dickhead. Oh, and she can probably read past a third grade level, too. By the way, we had to look up Samantha, and she was the mannequin from Farmer Chris’s season that never talked. Perfect for the walking brain stem from Kentucky. I feel bad for Jonathon in all this; it looks like Juelia strung him along.

JJ: I’m not jealous at all. Josh and Tenley isn’t going to happen. Josh is going home, because everyone thinks he’s freaking weird.

Mikey and Clare and Jared and Ashley I

Mikey is still ecstatic about his “relationship” with Clare.

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I did my hair special for you today…

He’s delusional enough that Dan feels the need for an intervention (his second one of the show – maybe a career change on the horizon?):

Dan: The girls are all saying that Clare isn’t into you.

Mikey: Yeah, but is that really the case?

Dan: Well, they’re all saying it. All of them.

Mikey: But how do they know?

Dan: Clare is talking about it with people.

Mikey: Who has she said it to?

Dan: Everyone.

Mikey: Yeah, but who’s everyone?

Dan: It’s everyone. Literally every single girl in the house.

Mikey: And Clare said she didn’t like me?

Dan: Yes.

Mikey: The Clare that’s here with us?

Dan: Dude, yes, the Clare on the show right now that you think you’re dating. You’re not dating her. She doesn’t like you.

Mikey: That doesn’t sound like Clare…

A date card comes for Jared: Sea if you can fall in love – boat date! Jared asks Clare, Clare says “yes!”, and it finally starts to dawn on Mikey that she might not be fully invested in their “connection”.

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Wait…is Clare not into me?

Mikey’s pissed and Ashley I loses her shit (surprise), because she called dibs on Jared, and why can’t old people understand how “dibs” works? Clare’s so old, her eggs are almost dead! I’ll say it again, Ashley I’s 30th birthday is going to be a shit-show. Forget Marcus and Lacy’s wedding; The Producers need to film Ashley’s birthday. Mikey and Clare have a blowout:

Mikey: I was upfront with you and you totally lied to me.

Clare: I told you I wasn’t into you!

Mikey: When?

Clare: Like, every 5 minutes! Are you wearing earplugs?

Mikey: Whatever. If you didn’t like me, you should’ve said something.

Clare: Arrsgghhgghhhhh!!!

And that’s it. Tomorrow night: Sailboat date! Tenley is confused! Kentucky Joe is running for roses! See you then, people.

Now, let’s watch Joe try to use a boogie board…

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