Fun facts about Warsaw: it was established at the sight of a small fishing village in the early 1300’s. According to folk legend, the city was named after Wars, a fisherman, and his wife Sawa, a mermaid that lived in the Vistila river, and to this day the mermaid is still Warsaw’s symbol, with several statues scattered throughout the city. Although approximately 85% of the city was destroyed in World War II, many of it’s historic streets, buildings and churches were restored by 1980, and today Warsaw enjoys a newfound status as Eastern Europe’s chic cultural capital, with thriving art and club scenes, and excellent restaurants. Wait – they’re not in Poland? They’re in Warsaw, Indiana? Ok, fun facts about Warsaw, IN: ummm….Ben Higgens was dumped outside a movie theater after his first kiss and the residents absolutely hate wifi:

Seriously, NO wifi…what is this, the 1800’s? Can I at least use your outhouse, or is that for paying customers only?

Ben meets his parents at said diner, trades an animal pelt for a bowl of hash, and fills his folks in on the season so far. All of the girls are hot. Becca seems great, but was “standoffish” last week (maybe because she was being assaulted by a wild pig). And Amanda has two young kids, which Ben thinks is amazing, because he like totally wants to be a father some day. Mom smiles and pats him on the head and says “That’s sweet, dear”, but you can tell by the look on her face that Ben is nowhere near ready to be a father yet. Then Ben asks if he can borrow the boat, and dad says “as long as you’re home by 9”, and Ben says “AwwwWWWW!” and mom says “listen to your father, dear”, and Ben slumps his shoulders and goes to meet the girls…

Me: Are ripped jeggings a legit look now days?

LBH: Becca has massive resting bitch face.

…who are staying in the house right next door to Ben’s parents. Ben crashes his dad’s boat into the dock (drinking already?) and then tells the ladies to beware of any late-night noises, because his parents still get it on, which is a little weird. “And while the rest of you think about my parents having sex,” Ben says, doubling down on the awkward, “I’m taking Lauren B out on the first 1-on-1 date. See ya!”

Lauren B 1-on-1 – Did he read a card? I don’t think we got a theme. I want my theme!

Ben starts off with a driving tour of Warsaw. He takes Lauren past his high school, his church, and the whole time I’m whispering to myself “go to the movie theater, go to the movie theater, go to the movie theater…”

BINGO!

Whoever this girl was that dumped Ben, she is so inside his head, that she’s having her mail forwarded. I’ll bet you a $1000 she’s blond, and she looks like a perfect cross-breed of Lauren B, JoJo, and Amanda. Ben parks in front of the movie theater, mauls Lauren B, then looks at the camera and yells “Suck it, Becky Johnson!” (I don’t really know her name; ‘Becky Johnson’ just sounded generically Midwest to me). Then it’s off to the youth center, where Ben and Lauren mentor future generations, a kid named Ronnie is more money with a basketball than Steph Curry on a red hot night, and the Indiana Pacers show up. And, in all fairness, it was pretty cool when Ben helped out the little boy that was crying. The poor kid was wearing an Army shirt, and you just know his dad is overseas, and Ben does a solid job. He gets no crap from me for at least a couple paragraphs.

Nighttime: Ben and Lauren discuss the Leah “drama”, which is pretty manufactured, considering everyone knows Leah was full of shit and she’s gone anyway, so who cares. But they get  it out of the way early, so they can go to Ben’s favorite place in Warsaw, the one place where Lauren can see him be himself. His local dive bar!

Finally, man! All this relationship talk was making me thirsty!

Lauren tells the camera that she can finally, truthfully say that she is in love with Ben. And Ben tells the camera that he can finally, truthfully say that he might need to enter a 12 step program. End of date.

JoJo 1-on-1 – Let’s Find Love in the Windy City

By the way, Emily’s  thumb is still broken. How much does that suck? Ben is a huge Cubs fan, so they go to Wrigley Field and run around the bases. First off: awesome date. Secondly: not only can JoJO swing a bat, but she can pitch, too. I officially like this girl. She’s hot, she’s seems pretty normal, and she’s just a flat-out cool chick. I hope she’s the next the Bachelorette. They make-out in the scoreboard while the interns set up dinner in the outfield.

Hey, check it out. I think that intern just spilled the lobster bisque all over second base and is trying to scoop it back into the bowl. Is that sanitary? Where’s Harrison?

How about some relationship talk?

JoJo: I’m scared.

Ben: I’m scared that you’re scared.

JoJo: I’m scared because I gave 150% in my last relationship.

Ben: I’m scared you don’t know that’s impossible, and that by definition the most anyone can give is 100%.

JoJo: I’m scared you’re going to constantly point crap like that out, when you and I both know what I’m trying to say, and that ‘giving 150%’ is just an expression.

Ben: I’m scared you’re flippant about math.

JoJo: Can we get back on track? I’m scared you wont propose.

Ben: And I’m scared you’ll say ‘no’ if I do.

Basically, Ben and joOj spend 10 minutes talking about how scared they both are. Everything scares them. Can you imagine these two planning a date night? Should we have Thai food tonight? I’m scared it won’t be authentic. Should we see Zoolander 2? I’m scared it’s not as funny as the first one. Should we sit in the middle or on the aisle? I’m scared of the aisle because people are going to walk in front of us the whole time, but I’m also scared of the middle because what if I have to pee? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

Group Date – I missed the theme again. Either I’m not paying attention, The Producers are getting lazy, or the girls aren’t bothering to read it anymore.

The players: Caila, Amanda, Becca. The location: Marion Hills Farms. The big news is that Becca has turned into the resident downer, which is shocking, because normally she has SUCH an engaging personality. “I don’t want a group date. I want a 1-on-1. I would be so much more excited if there were no other girls here.” You don’t say? Just to confirm, you have been on this show before, right? So you know how the process works? Great. Now shut up, and go fly a kite. Which they do, and then Ben and the girls gather around the ominous Group Date Rose (TM). Individual time!

Amanda Talks about her kids a lot. Which I shouldn’t really give her shit about, because that’s all I talk about, too. That, and write a blog about the Bachelor. I swear to god, I want the 28 year old Me to show up in a time machine and beat the crap out of the Current Me. Where did my life go?

Becca complains about not getting enough attention. “I deserve someone that really wants me, and really wants to be with me, Ben!”

Ummm, yeah…I’ve talked Chris Soules and he  was TOTALLY into you, and he REALLY wanted to be with you, but you, like, completely blew him off on the final episode, so…

Caila mauls Ben for a little bit, then says “I’ve been molded to be completely adaptable.” Okay. I’m not saying I know exactly what that means, but statements like that fall squarely into my “shit that makes me think twice” category.

Group Date Rose (TM) goes to Amanda (surprise! and welcome to the Final Four), and she and Ben leave for a 1-on-1 date, while Becca and Caila are left on the farm, forced to find their way back to the hotel with nothing but a compass and some moss. Caila is worried about taking Ben home, because the only people she can introduce him to are her mom and dad, which basically means that she’s too bitchy and has no friends. Becca is pissed because this is “the most she’s ever opened up to someone.” Really? I still know absolutely nothing about this girl. Does she understand what ‘opening up’ means? And do you think Farmer Chris likes hearing her say that?

Amanda 1-on-1 – Let’s Go To McDonalds

Yeah, so they go to McDonalds and serve customers in the drive-through. Then they go to  a carnival and we find out Ben is scared pants-less by fair rides. And this time, I am 150% with him. Yes Ben, they are set up in less than a day. But more than that, they’re set up in less than a day by carnies, who are often drunk and/or stoned, and have extensive criminal records. No fucking thank you. Yet, despite his near-constant screaming on the various duct-taped-together Contraptions of Death, Ben kills it with the local kiddos, which warms Amanda’s heart, and they maul each other for dear life on the ferris wheel while it teeters precariously over Main Street.

Emily 1-on-1 – Home is Where the Heart Is

Hey! Let’s take dad’s boat out!

You know you can still get a DUI on a boat, right Ben?

My favorite part of this date? Caila: “Emily is a bright-eyed puppy. Everything is new and exciting. But she has so much to learn still. I don’t know if she’s there, yet.” Yeah, not like you, Caila; you’re already 24 years old, and you dumped your almost-fiancé to sign up for a reality dating show in a desperate search for your 15 minutes of fame. You’re so worldly and wise!

Anyway, in the toughest first date ever, Emily meets Ben’s parents, and after a brief intro, Mom pulls Emily away for a little Q&A session. Poor Emily is so nervous, she proceeds to verbally throw-up all over mom:

Does this girl ever stop talking? She’s like a fish; if her mouth stops, she dies.

And then Emily finishes by saying “I’m pretty much average at everything, but I think I’ll be an above-average mom and wife.” Holy cow. Just what every potential mother-in-law wants to hear. Ben’s mom tries to find a tactful way to say it, but the bottom line is she hates Emily, and if Ben proposes to her, he’ll never get to borrow the boat again. The most painful part of the whole scene, is that while Ben’s mom is completely throwing Emily under the bus, Emily is saying the nicest things about Ben’s family. Emily is just a sweet, nice, genuine girl; she’s just a bit too young to settle down right now. Don’t worry sister, you’ll be better off for it on the long run. See ya in Paradise. Oh, in case I glossed over it too much, Ben takes Emily home and dumps her.

Yeah, so, I like you, but my mom said she’ll disown me if I propose, so…

And then he gets back on the boat and gets the hell out of Dodge before he has to talk to anyone else.

Are there any more beers in the cooler?

And just to recap, Emily’s sister Haley got dumped after Ben met her mom. Emily got dumped after meeting Ben’s mom. For the foreseeable future, this poor girl is going to get eye-twitches and start dry-heaving every time a guy says, “hey, would you like to have dinner with my parents this Wednesday?” As far as Bachelorette potential, Lovely Better Half says Emily is too young. Me? I say put BOTH twins on as co-Bachelorettes for the entire season (not a one night thing like Kaitlyn and Britt). Fuck it – NO RULES.

Rose Ceremony

Ben sits down to have a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison.

Ben: I don’t know what I’m going to do, Chris. There’s one girl that just hasn’t gotten there with me.

CH: Then send her home. There’s 5 girls and 4 roses left; what’s the problem? Why are we even talking right now? It’s freaking cold out; let’s get this over with and call it a night.

Amanda has already punched her ticket. The remaining Final Four:

Lauren H – Sorry – Lauren B. Just wishful thinking on my part.

JO)Jo – She’ll be in the finale.

Caila – bleh. We’ll see her in Paradise.

Which means we get to see Becca-Disappointment-Face, which looks pretty much like every other Becca-face:

Becca: Why did you do that? I told you not to blindside me, Ben!

Ben: What do you want me to do? It’s a rose ceremony; it’s kinda the basis of the whole show. You’ve done this before, remember?

Becca: Yeah, but that was to live on a farm in Iowa, Ben, which is not what I signed up for! I was supposed to get Josh Murray that season, but then stupid Andi had to send Nick Viall home instead, so I got stuck with Farm Boy! But you live in Denver, Ben. That’s a real city. Yes, we’d have to keep separate apartments and only meet on alternate Thursdays, but I could at least live there, Ben!

Ben: Ummm, I think you’re missing the whole point of the show…

And yes, I have a pet theory that The Producers had Josh Murray lined up to be the next Bachelor and he was 150% on board, but then Andi submarined the whole thing by sending Nick home instead, which led to Farmer Chris being the Bachelor and Chris Harrison having Juan Pablo whacked and his body dumped in the Florida Everglades. Or the desert outside of Vegas. I’m still not sure which. Anyway, that’s all for Becca, who has to go back to San Diego, which if we’re honest, isn’t exactly losing. San Diego’s amazing. And there’s also 1.3 million people there, so if she can’t find someone closer to home, it’s on her at this point.

Next week are hometowns, and it looks like JoJo’s brothers take a lesson from Desiree’s brother during Sean Lowe’s season, only they turn it up a notch or two. I’m looking forward to that. Plus, Ben meets the kids!

That is my face EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Think long and hard, brother, long and hard…

 

And now, Grasshoppers Attack!