Sorry I’m late – again. Long weekend + Warrior game + teething Girl left me with very low energy and slightly hung over yesterday. You know what a teething baby sounds like? A thousand tortured souls trying to escape Hell. But She’s still perfect.

As far as the show, however, this group of guys is FAR from perfect. I don’t think I’ve liked a cast of characters less. There is ZERO personality anywhere in this group, and the only two that are remotely interesting are Chad (‘cos you love to hate him) and Daniel the Model (‘cos he’s just so cluelessly entertaining). I hope this picks up, or else it’s going to be a LOOONNG season. Lets’ get rolling…

I’m feeling SUPER pink today!

Nice Hair

Wells: The bigger guys stole my hair product, so now I have to wear this stupid hat…

Did ABC triple their hairstylist budget? And what’s the more difficult task, fighting for mirror-time or fighting for JoJo-time?

Group Date – Let’s Heat Things Up

The Players: Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, and Robby. The Game: Fighting fires and saving lives. So, Grant wins, then, which makes it the first time in Bachelor History that a contestant says “I should win this” and actually does. The date starts off interesting, though:

I’d just like to point out that Alex the Marine who supposedly “ripped the door off a burning car to save someone’s life” didn’t move an inch, and neither did Grant the Firefighter. Aren’t The Interns supposed to fact-check these questionnaires? And then JoJo grabs a fire hose and is one gust of wind away from turning this thing into a wet t-shirt contest.

Hey, I’m not saying I hated it. But I’m also not the target demographic for this show…

Wells almost dies, because spinning records doesn’t get you in shape to don 80 pounds of gear and swing an axe in the midday sun. After lying on a gurney and getting injected with fluids, JoJo consoles poor, dainty Wells.

Wells: Hey, looks like this worked out for me!

JoJo: Yeah, umm, sympathy time is not romantic time, Wells…

Somehow, Wells gets in the Final 3 with Luke and Grant (because critical dehydration is good for ratings?) and Grant wins by a mile, which he should. He walks off with JoJo while the boys prepare for the night round.

Hey Wells, your bucket is still on fire…

And what is Grant’s prize for proving his manliness? The first 1-on-1 time with JoJo, where he opens his heart and says “I’ll never leave the house in the morning without waking you up, and kissing you and telling you I love you.”

That’s so sweet! But seriously, don’t wake me up. Mama likes her beauty sleep…

A little make-out session for Grant, and then it’s on to Luke. Luke is despondent over losing, but he also opens his heart to JoJo, and JOJo is feeling super-snuggly with Luke. They embark on a full-on hand-groping maul session that I actually feel a little dirty watching, and then Luke feels better again. After that, Wells makes her laugh (like good friends do) and Evan has kids. Group date rose goes to Wells for being such a trooper, and Luke is crestfallen again. Lighten up, Luke: Jojo just dry-humped you on the balcony, it’s not like she’s sending you home tonight.

Derek 1-on-1 Date – Love is Full of Choices

JoJo shows up to meet Derek the next day and passes out free hugs.

JoJo: Cool hat, Brandon!

Brandon: Thanks! I saw Wells wearing one yesterday, and I thought it looked pretty hipster, so…

It’s a choose your own adventure! JoJO and Derek make a series of choices while driving through LA…

Derek: I think you’re really cool and all, but can you please stop playing with your hair and keep your hands on the wheel. It’s making me nervous…

…which eventually leads them to the greatest city on earth:

That has to be stock footage. There’s no way it wasn’t completely fogged over in March.

They decide to have lunch overlooking the Golden Gate over visiting Lombard Street, which is a good choice. Lombard is overcrowded and overrated, and it’s not worth the hassle. A little maul for Derek, and then dinner later that night. Back in LA, of course, because San Francisco drops into the low 50’s when the sun goes down, and you can’t eat outside without a parka and a heat lamp. Time to get to know more about Derek, so Jojo asks him about his last relationship.

Derek: Well, my last relationship ended a few years ago. It was hard on me, and I haven’t really talked about it with anyone until tonight –

JoJo: I know, right? Like, when Ben sent me home last season…

Derek: uh-huh.

JoJo: and he told me he loved me, and then TOTALLY blindsided me by picking Lauren instead…

Derek: yeah.

JoJo: and I really cared about Ben, you know?

Derek: right…

JoJo: And I was so hurt by it, that I wasn’t sure if I could put myself out there again…

Derek: uh-huh.

JoJo: Because he was SUCH an amazing guy. SO amazing. It’s kind if hard to think about loving anyone else…

Derek: I thought we were talking about MY last relationship?

But, Derek must be a great listener, because JoJo feels much better now that she’s gotten Ben off her chest (figuratively, of course…) and she gives Derek a rose. Then, they maul each other by a fountain, which isn’t staged at all.

Give me a break….

Group Date 2 – Prove Your Love To Me And The Nation

The Players: Jordan, Christian, Nick B (so he was Santa Claus), James T, Alex, and Chad. The Game: A series of challenges at the ESPN studios with the crew from Sportsnation. The boys arrive, and this season’s dress code du jour is the weathered v-neck.

 

Let’s meet up with JoJo on the set!

Steph Curry is a great shooter, and a decent all-around player…

Decent all around player, JoJo? Ahem. Moving on. There’s touch down dances, and dizzying proposals, and it’s all very cringe-worthy. Chad manages to start an argument with JojO and calls her naggy, which is always a good sign on DAY TWO of a potential relationship. And then the interview portion starts, and everyone throws Chad under the bus, saying he is definitely, without a doubt, the one guy JoJo should send home. Chad responds in his usual unreasonable way: “You know, these guys can say they’re in love with you, and repeat all the things they’ve studied about you and learned from watching you on television, but I don’t know you as a person yet. I’m open to being in love, but I just want to get to know you first.” The nerve of this guy! Wait, no…that actually sounds pretty reasonable, now that I think about it. But, hold on! Chad’s not done…

 

What’s wrong with you guys? You haven’t seen a pretty girl before? What, you don’t have tv? You don’t have magazines? I have lots of magazines with tons of hot chicks in ’em! And I’ve stared at ’em all! A lot! You don’t know what love is!!”

And now he’s lost me again. Chad doesn’t get why everyone thinks he’s an asshole for “calling it like it is”. What Chad really doesn’t understand, is “calling like it is” is the excuse every asshole uses to act like an asshole. Yet, somehow, that rant gave him 2nd place behind our group date winner: James T. Your prize, James? Nothing of value that I can see.

Nighttime. James T writes a note to JoJo that is so sweet and touching that she cries, and I’m thinking that this guy is suddenly in the running. And then she kisses him, and it’s so devoid of chemistry that he’s out again. JoJo even tries kissing him a second time, because the note was so good that she wants it to work out, but nope; no chemistry there. In stark contrast, JoJo sits down with Chad, and her internal alarm is going off like an air raid siren because Chad is just like every dick ex-boyfriend that her brothers hated. She’s on her guard, but then Chad opens his heart and tells her that his mom passed away 6 months ago, and now he’s here for at least another 3 weeks and JoJo’s in trouble:

JoJo: He’s so hot…is there any way we can put James T’s personality in his body?

But, sometimes nice guys do finish first, and the Group Date Rose goes to James, and Chad is very perturbed. He’ll probably start an argument with JoJo on the bus ride home.

Cocktail Party The Night of Chad

Chase makes it snow, which is really smooth, and rockets him right into contention for the Final Four. JoJo likey:

And Will toilet papers the mansion, which is going to make Chris Harrison go ballistic. Will’s going home tonight.

CH: if that clown Will sleeps here tonight, he’s not waking up in the morning! Get the interns to clean this crap up NOW!

And that’s pretty much it for the rest of the guys, because everything else about tonight centers around Chad. He has officially taken up residence in everyone’s head. I’m not saying a like the guy; far from it. But the way the rest of the guys are handling the situation isn’t doing them any favors, either. There are no less than 4 confrontations this episode, and every one of them make the guys look weak, whiny, and ineffectual. Chad waits for JoJo with a glass of wine to kick off the evening. Confrontation.

Girls Guys: Hey, bro, where were you just now?

Chad: Talking to JoJo.

Guys: Oh, you just happened to be there when she showed up?

Chad: Yeah.

Guys: Yeah? How did that happen?

Chad: I went outside.

Guys: Why would you do something like that?

Chad: Because I wanted to.

Guys: Well, it’s not cool, bro! And you shouldn’t do it!

Chad: Ok.

Then Chad interrupts Alex’s 1-on-1 time. Confrontation. Sounded a lot like the first one. Chad actually walks away in the middle and says “It was like being surrounded by the Carebears. If you’re going to do something, think out the end result. What do you want the end result to be?” And he’s right. Then, Chad interrupts Evan. And Evan cries.

Brandon: It’s alright, bro. Take another penis injection. You’ll feel better…

Look, Chad’s a dick. He’s arrogant. He’s rude. He says things like “I’m not singing to a girl I’ve known less than a day”, and “Christian is listening to his own words before he says them” (it’s called thinking), and “In my days as an auto dealer”, and “I knew you were cool when I met you, Daniel”. He loads a suitcase full of protein powder and old steroid needles and wears it around his waist while doing pull ups. And just look at the guy:

If this guy is 28 years old, then I’m 19…

I get it. But these guys need to step back and assess the situation. Chad is wannabe alpha-male ape, with no sense of humor and serious anger issues; JoJo is not going to pick this guy to spend the rest of her life with. Just relax, let him dig his own grave, and you do you. Instead, these guys let Chad feed their insecurities and it doesn’t look good on them. To quote Anne Hathaway in The Intern: “How, in one generation, have men gone from guys like Jack Nicholson and Harrison Ford to…..this?” And yes, I just quoted The Intern. Cut me some slack; it was Lovely Better Half’s night to pick, and honestly, the movie wasn’t half bad. Speaking of Lovely Better Half, she put things much more succinctly: “These guys are pussies.” That’s my girl. With one exception, though, my dear…

I watched this like 10 times, and there was zero flinching from Alex. Zero. The man stood in there like a statue. When Alex says “I can promise you I’m not scared of you”, I believe him. Chad can make all the short jokes he wants, but I have a sneaking suspicion if Alex gets pushed over the edge, he will wreck a dude faster than you can blink. I learned a long time ago that it’s not the guys who talk tough that you worry about; it’s the guys that are calm until they’re not. And Alex remained very, very calm.

And that’s why Chad is the only interesting guy on this show. Plus, there’s this:

It Ain’t All You Can Eat, Chad; It’s Eat All You Can

Wow. If The Producers thought hair care products were going to squeeze the budget, then craft services are putting them squarely in the red.

Rose Ceremony

Let’s close this thing out before I’m tempted to rant about Chad some more.

Staying:

Wells and James T are already holding

Alex – Don’t screw around with this guy, Chad

Christian – whiny

Robby – whiny

Luke – not whiny, but definitely insecure

Chase – snowman, final four

Jordan – only mentioned Aaron Rodgers once this episode; also, whiny

Grant – no whining from him tonight

Ali – where was he?

Daniel – formed a strange and unlikely bromance with Chad. Also, I’ve seen Zoolander like 10 times, but do male models really have to be this stupid?

James F – who?

Nick B – sure, I guess

Vinny – whiny

Evan – whiny

(Gentlemen, this is the Final Rose)

Chad – JoJo didn’t look entirely thrilled handing this one out. He might be a producer pick because they know Chad’s the only drama they have in this group of wallflowers.

You gotta go:

Brandon – back to mom’s couch

Will – don’t mess with Harrison’s mansion, son

James S(uperfan) – at least he got to meet Chris Harrison, and I bet his blog is blowing up now.

And that’s all she wrote. Next week, TWO Episodes, TWO Nights! Double-shots usually mean big time conflict. Could this be the week the wheels come off for our resident villain? Can’t wait to find out…

See ya then, my friends.

 

And now, let’s watch Christian strip. On second thought, you watch it; I’m keeping my eyes closed…