This episode brought to mind an age-old adage that applies exceptionally well here: “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” While everyone prematurely celebrates Chad’s ouster, no one (except for Wells) is pausing to think, “What happens now that we don’t all have Chad to hate anymore?” Will it be kumbaya for the rest of the season? Most likely not. What’s true with regime change is true with The Bachelorette, my friends: a Villain Vacuum has been created, and you can be sure a bunch of other little Villains will be climbing all over each other to take Chad’s place. But first, let’s see some previews of Chad’s dramatic return to the house:

 

Tonight’s Bachelorette starts…..RIGHT NOW!

First, the boys have a mock funeral with a container of Chad’s muscle “supplement”:

Evan: What is this stuff?

James F: It’s protein powder. It gives you muscles.

Evan: Do you snort it?

James F: No, dude, you don’t snort it. Have you EVER worked out?

And here comes Chad, who, despite the end-of-days style previews, is just looking to pick up a few things he forgot to pack.

Hey guys! Have you seen my protein powder? Anyone there? Guys? [turns to cameraman] They wouldn’t mess with my protein powder, would they?

Everyone’s too scared to open the door, except for Daniel, which kills me. All of these tough talking, manly men in the room, and Daniel strolls up, shirtless, eating a bowl of cereal, saying “How’s it goin’, eh?” He either has no clue what’s going on, or he’s the biggest badass in the house, because he has absolutely ZERO worries about Chad. Jordan gives Chad one last chance to apologize (come again?), which goes about as well as you’d expect, and then Evan tries to push the pathetic boundaries of pettiness even further.

Evan: Do you have your wallet on you? Because you owe me a shirt.

Chase: Evan, bro – it’s just a shirt. Turn the page, already….

There’s a lot of shouting, but again, no actual fighting. Chad walks out the door, does a little pirouette, and pronounces “I’m out!” And with that, the main source of this season’s entertainment has left the building. In Week 4. I’m actually going to miss him. There’s a reason The Producers made Kaitlyn keep Crazypants Nick around until the final episode; drama’s fun. On the plus side, James Taylor did get some promising news from the medical staff:

The doctors said that my face should be healed in 6 months, and that I have a 50/50 chance of getting most of my short-term memory back. Hey – why are all these cameras here?

Man, that eye looks ugly. We catch up with Alex and JoJo at the end of their night, because the actual date was too boring to make the cut, and Alex returns to the hotel to a hero’s welcome. Cut to commercial.

(Chad’s on Bachelor in Paradise? Can we just skip to that, please?)

Cocktail Party

Didn’t take long for the guys to turn on each other, did it? They’re talking smack about each other, guys with roses are stealing JoJo from guys without roses, we hear “not here for the right reasons” a couple times – so much for smooth sailing. And then the ultimate tragedy – chaos behind the bar because Jorge is scouting BinP locations with Chris Harrison this week.

Alex: Can I get a gin and tonic?

Bartender: Sure…ummm…what’s in that again?

Alex: It’s gin. And tonic water. Where’s Jorge?

Other highlights: James F is a boxing poet. Robby mauls JoJO by a fountain, which pisses everyone off (of course. These dainty flowers get pissed off at everything). Not sure why – everyone’s made out with her at this point; is it really that big of a deal? Chase is definitely the next Bachelor. Good looking, normal guy, and the only one Lovely Better Half would date besides Derek. And me, of course. I think she’d date me. (I think….) And Luke is turning straight-up shifty. I know he’s America’s Sweetheart and all, but his lines are way too rehearsed and my BS meter bouncing off the end of the scale. “I think about you every waking minute, and my heart beats faster when you’re near.” Really? Give me a break. And what is this?

Daniel: Hey, hoser, can I get LITTLE bit of space? Please?

Shifty. But it’s all much ado about nothing, because Jordan is winning this thing, hands down. JoJO is SPRUNG over this guy. When he says “I don’t want to take up too much of your time” and JoJo replies “You should”, and they start swallowing each other’s tongues 10 feet away from the rest of the group, I know this season’s over.

That’s not a split screen, either. He’s dry-humping her against a wall literally within earshot of the entire cast.

JoJo giggles, stumbles around, saunters back into the living room, and she is so in love it’s a joke.

Whew! I need a cigarette…

Luckily for ABC, Chris Harrison steals JoJo away for the Rose Ceremony before she can tell everyone to pack their bags because she’s running away to the Bahamas with Jordan.

Rose Ceremony

Nemacolin doesn’t sound like a vacation spot. It sounds like something that needs surgery.

Let’s get this show on the road.

Alex, Luke, and Jordan have roses

Derek – I wrote “F4” in my notes.  That’s the repeat function in MS Word. No clue. Oh wait – Final Four. I need more sleep.

Robby – JoJo likes smashing face with this guy, but LBH is still convinced he’s gay

Chase – next Bachelor

Wells – “awwww, Wells…” – LBH

Grant – We know he can put out fires, but not much else

Vinny – the mute barber

James T – who still passes out from residual concussion effects, and, strangely enough, has been playing guitar left handed since he got hit in the head.

Evan – who pees a little, like a puppy that’s really happy when you come home

Thanks for playing:

James F – he seemed alright, maybe not assertive enough for this show

Daniel – who figures JoJo sent him home because she’s going for a guy with personality instead of an awesome bod. “The chances of a girl like her falling for me? I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening while….shaving my face.” LOVE this guy. I’ll see you in Paradise, Daniel – you were born for it.

Hello, Uruguay!

Our intrepid crew jets off to South America to continue their search for everlasting love and a shot at Dancing With the Stars. JoJo ponders her future in a hotel room, looking very cosmopolitan:

What is this? A Nespresso ad?

And the boys stroll along the beach in matching t-shirts:

Seriously, I can’t tell which one’s which…

Time for the first date card….

Jordan 1-on-1 – Let’s Seal The Date

…and now everyone hates Jordan. It’s not like he wrote the card for himself; JoJo picked him. Is it me, or are these guys just a little bit bitchy? So, Jordan preps for his date while the rest of the group makes an Einsteinian leap of logic, and decides that he isn’t here for the “right reasons.”

Hey, JoJo – do you really want to know what “real life” will be like after the show? Here it is. You, sitting on the couch, looking at your watch, while Jordan spends 30 minutes playing with his hair in the mirror…

Boat date! They make out, they swim with seals. Seals are not nice animals. Don’t they bite people and drown dogs? No thanks. Off to dinner, and Jordan and JoJo are kissy kissy, while JoJo tells the camera that she has severe trust issues. Uh-oh, I’m sensing foreshadowing. Sure enough, JoJo stops sucking Jordan’s face long enough to tell him that she met his ex-girlfriend, and that she said he wasn’t a very nice boyfriend.

shit……….

Jordan blinks a lot, licks his lips, looks down, plays with his hair, takes a biiig, loooong drink – so, basically, he’s caught red-handed and he’s stalling for time while he puts his story together.

Jordan: Yeah, ummm, I wasn’t a great boyfriend to her, but uhhhh – I’m so glad you brought this up, by the way! – but it was a different time in my life, and ummm…because of football, and I was in a different place, but I know what I want now, and it’s NOT football, but a relationship, with a woman – a woman like you! – and I don’t say I love you lightly, but…I AM falling in love with you, and ummm, sooooo…I love you…?”

JoJo: Omigod, I’m so relieved! Please don’t be mad at me!

A rose for Jordan, and JoJo says “This could be the start of the most perfect love story.” Seriously, there is NO chance he loses this. At this point, he could have sex with an Intern, literally right in front of JoJo, and still talk his way out of it. What are The Producers going to do for the rest of the season?

Group Date – I Can’t Stand To Be Away From You

The Players: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James T, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex. The Game: Sand boarding in the dunes of Uruguay.

So, to set the scene, Vinny is giving our little group of vanity cases free haircuts, which explains why he’s been around this long…

Let me guess: Short on the sides, high on top….

…while the boys read up on the latest celeb news, specifically a story about JoJo running back into the arms of her ex, and then dumping him right before The Bachelorette. And now, once again, the guys are throwing a hissy fit, over a story they read in InTouch, like English language copies of InTouch magazine magically find their way into South American hotel rooms. I wouldn’t be surprised if The Producers leaked the original story themselves, and told InTouch when they needed it published. So fake, and yet the boys are eating it up. Just to remind everyone, Chad is no longer here, and these guys are still acting like a bunch of bitches. Is it at all remotely possible that Chad wasn’t the problem? Maybe? Nah, I got it all wrong. These guys are pure manhood.

Anyways, JoJo is super excited for her group date, until The Producers hand her a copy of said magazine.

Anyone else think the guy behind the camera sounded a little creepy? He sounds like the kind of guy that delivers ransom notes. “We have your dog, Jojo, and if you ever want to see him again, you will follow these steps, EXACTLY as we say…” JoJo melts down, talks to the guys, melts down some more, and proves beyond all doubt that a few well-timed tears can resolve anything.

What about the actual date, you ask? They go sand boarding. JoJo makes out with 4 guys. Derek gets the Group Date Rose. Alex hates Derek now. Alex is an angry little man.

Robby 1-on-1 – Love Is Within Our Reach

Having followed their list of demands, The Producers return JoJo’s dog…

…and she merrily joins Robby for an afternoon around Playa Brava. They jump off a cliff, which leads to the inevitable “love is a leap of faith” analogy.

Lovely Better Half: What was Robby again? A swim dancer?

Me: You mean synchronized swimming?

LBH: Yes.

Me: No, He was a swimmer. There is no men’s synchronized swimming.

LBH: Swim dancing looks like something he’d do.

Couldn’t agree more. Dinner time! Robby makes JoJo feel safe, but Jordan makes her feel fuzzy and giggly and nervous inside. Who do you think she picks in the end? Robby made some huge changes in his life (LBH: “He decided to try women?”), and adjusted his priorities after his friend drove off a bridge while he was texting and driving. Robby becomes the 3rd (4th?) guy to say “I love you”, and a rose for Robby. Fireworks. Maul.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

Let’s get our nightly confrontation out of the way. Derek tells Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan to stop picking on him, and they all tell him he’s too sensitive. Nice catfight. Alex actually has the balls to say that he doesn’t go around “just picking fights with people.” Dude, that’s literally all you do. He hates Jordan, he hates Derek, he even said JoJo wasn’t here for the “right reasons” after he read the InTouch article. I know Chad kind of over-shadowed everyone else’s neuroses, but Alex has got a screw loose.

Chris Harrison makes a contractually obligated appearance to announce that there will be no cocktail party, because JoJo is going to marry Jordan, and she wants to get through the rest of this crap as quickly as possible. Away we go:

Derek, Jordan, and Robby have roses. Joining them:

Luke – hometowns for sure, probably final episode

Chase – Hometowns, next Bachelor

Alex – who is definitely wearing platform shoes, hand-cobbled from solid anger.

James Taylor – he’s gone next week

Wells – ditto

Which means we bid adieu to Vinny, Evan, and Grant. Which begs a question, in 3 parts: a) who’s going to cut everyone’s hair? b) who’s going to keep their penises working? and c) who puts out the inevitable fire that erupts between Jordan and JoJo? The answer to all 3: no one. The waterworks come hard and heavy; guys are starting to vie for the next Bachelor. Evan is particularly verklempt.

Lovely Better Half: Aww, Evan. It’s not you.

Me: Oh, it’s him.

Next week, Buenos Aires! Feelings are getting intense, and guys are turning on Jordan. See ya then, my friends….

 

Now, let’s check out Luke’s side-boob…