It’s one thing to play the villain; it’s another to want to beat the shit out of everyone, rip guy’s shirts off, and threaten to use your mystical real estate skills to hunt people down after the show. Chad’s on a permanent lunatic fringe, and the rest of the guys have no idea how to deal with it. Also, in a completely unrelated thought: can you imagine if The Producers had gone with their original plan of making Caila the Bachelorette? Holy cow. She could barely bring herself to like Ben, and he was miles better than anyone in this group. The Rose Ceremonies would have lasted 45 minutes while Caila pouted and tried to figure out who she hated the least. “Really, Chris? I have to hand out all the roses?” Actually, that would be pretty entertaining.
Back to the action. Evan is scared shitless because he tattled to Chris Harrison, and Chad might actually kill him if Chris doesn’t throw him out of the house.
Please get sent home, please get sent home. Dammit! Chris is bringing him back! [pees a little…]
And what is going on with Robby’s hair? Come on, this is starting to get ridiculous:
That’s a legitimate look now? Between the male beehive hairdo’s and the tank tops, people are going to look back at this season like 1980’s yearbook photos. Great music, but man, people looked ridiculous. Chad basically says he’ll stop talking to everyone if they stop talking to him. Evan, in an effort to sound even less masculine, squeals “you owe me an apology and a t-shirt.” Ok. Chad offers him $20 and finishes his Hulk juice.
Green juice make Chad strong…
Quick summary: JoJo really likes Jordan, like in an “I’m worried I’ll get hurt” kinda way. Chad and JoJo argue some more. Then, not filling is allotted daily argument time with JoJo, Chad pulls Derek aside to argue with him.
Guys: Dude, you need back up?
Derek: [voice rising an octave] N-n-n-n-oooo. I’ll b-b-ee ok-kkkk….
Chad asks Derek if he’s scared, and Derek flat-out says “Yes, dude, I AM scared of you, because you’re insane, I have no idea what you’re going to do from one minute to the next, and you could literally snap at any moment.” Which is actually the best way to tell Chad you’re scared of him without sounding like a pussy. Derek handles it perfectly, and now Lovely Better Half thinks he’s hot (see? I told you you’d like him!) Oh yeah, and Evan breaks his face jumping in the pool.
Man, that water is HARD….
JoJo is SO sparkly tonight. Even her face is sparkling. I don’t know where the glitter ends and JoJo begins. Let’s pass out some roses.
Chase, Evan, and James T are holding. Of these 3, I think Chase has a shot at Hometowns.
Grant – Firefighter, hates Chad
Derek – LBH loves him now. Hates Chad
Jordan – throws a football. Hates Chad
Luke – war vet. Doesn’t like Chad, but probably doesn’t care about him either
Robby – Swimmer. Likes tank tops and hair gel. Doesn’t like Chad
Wells – DJ. Hates physical activity. Hates Chad, too, but would never say it to his face
James F – who got a new suit after jumping in the pool in his last one. Also, hates Chad
Vinny – doesn’t talk. Don’t know what he hates
Daniel – Model. LOVES Chad, but thinks he’s too much like Hitler
Alex – Marine. Oh yeah, Alex REALLY hates Chad
(Chris: “this is The Final Rose, gentleman. Chad, remember what we talked about outside.”)
Chad – and the boys looked thrilled
Thanks for Playing:
Christian – maybe don’t strip so early in the season. Save that stuff for BinP.
Ali – Never really showed up.
Nick B – Came strong with the Santa Claus suit, then faded fast.
So, this means Evan is going home too, right? Since he told JoJo last episode that if Chad stays, he’s leaving? Wait, he’s not leaving? He’s staying? Way to follow through, buddy…We’re off to Pennsylvania, which looks really cold. You know who’s not packing his bags? Chris Harrison, who absolutely refuses to do cold-weather locations since Kaitlyn’s season. “Enjoy yourself, guys; Jorge and I are heading to Sayulita to prep for Bachelor in Paradise III: The Carnal Apocalypse.”
Luke 1-on-1 – I Like You Very Mush
They go dog-sledding. I always think that’s mean to the dogs. Luke chops wood; good thing Wells wasn’t on this date. They hang out in a romantic hot tub…
This is going to be so much fu- HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT!!
…and then get to know each other while their skin peels to their subdermal layers. Luke: “I could be happy anywhere with you.” JoJo: “I can’t feel my legs anymore.” Fun. That night, Luke shares a story about losing a childhood friend in Afghanistan and JoJO sends him home. Kidding, JoJo is digging on Luke big-time, and a rose and a heavy maul session are pretty much a given at this point. Wait! One more surprise!
So, The Producers decided to just put the band names on the screen now, because no one knows who they are? Good move. And good date for Luke, who’s a guaranteed Final Four pick and looking like a strong contender for next Bachelor.
Group Date – We. Could. Go. All. The. Way.
The Players: Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. Which leaves Alex and Chad left for the 2-on-1 date, setting up an epic battle of Good vs Evil. Which we know, because we hear “Good vs Evil” approximately 300 times for the rest of the episode. The Game: Football shenanigans with Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, and someone else from the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Wells: Who are these guys?
The boys do some drills, and James T gets critically injured while Ben Roethlisberger makes a pass at JoJo.
Did I mention that I SING for a living? Why are we running Oklahoma drills?!
JoJo; Is he alright?
Ben: He’s fine, don’t worry about it. Hey, did you know I have 2 Superbowl rings? That’s one more than pretty boy’s brother over there. Makes me look pretty hot, right? I’m also like the tallest guy here, so you know…
Let’s split up into teams. Eleven guys, so Jordan plays quarterback both ways (didn’t see that coming at all). Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F, and Grant go to one team, which leaves the other team with:
Derek – Can’t run because he pulled a calf muscle
Robby – swimmer, which would be awesome if they were playing water polo
James Taylor – who just suffered a concussion
Evan – who’s getting his game face on
The eye black goes under BOTH eyes, pal…
And Vinny – who has this expression:
How did I get stuck on this team again?
I think this is going to be a slaughter, and when Evan gets another nosebleed (from touch football, btw), it looks like I’m going to be right. But, by some miracle, Team Rudy pulls out a win and Team Goliath gets sent home. But, you may ask, what’s happening back out the hotel while this Clash of Titans is taking place? Nothing much; just Luke hanging out on the couch with Alex and Chad.
This is fun…
Back to the night time portion of our date, and everyone takes a takes a number to make out with JoJo. First up is Robby; they maul each other on a pool table, and JoJo says “I feel like there’s something in Robby that’s going to blow me away.” Lovely Better Half laughs hysterically and blurts out, “Yeah! He’s gay!” Next up is Derek – maul. James T – maul. Jordan – JoJo says, “you make me nervous, I feel like I’m falling for you”, and then they maul. JoJo tries to make out with Evan, but kissing gives him a nosebleed. I don’t think she knows Vinny is there. At this point, Farmer Chris is thinking, “Wow, I didn’t know you could make out with this many people.” JoJo is definitely testing out the merchandise. Group Date Rose goes to Jordan, and I’m think he’s the favorite to win. JoJo likes the way he smells.
2-on-1 Date – Let’s Get Lost
The inevitable date card comes for Alex and Chad and much shit-talking ensues. Chad reaches his 138th boiling point of the season, and shouts “who here has a problem with me?!”
Wells: No problems here, bro. Just don’t hit me…
Chad challenges everyone to a fight (except for Luke the War Veteran and James, the guy who owns a boxing gym. ‘Cos, you know, what’s fun about a fair fight?). Then, he tells Jordan he’s going to track him down after the show and hurt him. Hurt him real bad. I hate to keep bringing this up, but I don’t think Chad’s behavior is going to help much in the luxury real estate business. Remember, Chad: you’re not selling houses, you’re selling yourself.
A helicopter takes our chummy pair to a place far away from the hotel, so everyone can evacuate before Chad gets home to wreak his vengeance should this thing go sideways. They hang out in uncomfortable silence with JoJo.
Thanks for joining me guys…so….ummm….how are things in the house?
Finally, JoJo pulls Alex aside to pump him for information, because that’s what you do with the guy you don’t really want to keep.
JoJo: So, is there tension in the house?
Alex: Yeah. A lot. And it’s all because Chad is freaking psycho.
JoJo: But, maybe you’re not seeing his positive side…
Alex: He shoved Evan and ripped his shirt! Right in front of you!
JoJo: Yeah, but Chad said Evan tried to push him first, so what’s he supposed to do?
Alex: And we have a full time security guard at the house, because people are scared of him.
JoJo: Chris Harrison told me about that, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal…
Alex: And he threatened to find Jordan after the show and give him a beat down.
JoJo: Wait – he threatened JORDAN? MY JORDAN?!
And that’s pretty much the final straw for Chad. She has one last argument with him for old times sake, but he doesn’t say anything to help his cause. But, if you’ve ever wondered why JoJo has had terrible luck with guys in the past, or why her brothers are so protective of her, here’s a clue: “I know Chad has done some messed up stuff in the house, but [starts crying] his mom just died, and I think that maybe he’s just having a really tough time right now.” Uh-huh. Yeah, that excuses the anger issues, the violence, the bullying, and the physical threats. Sure. JoJo is a fixer of wounded puppies and an enabler of bad behavior, and guys have been taking advantage of that her whole life. I hope she takes the opportunity to end that streak now, and thankfully she does.
“Chad, you’re being two different people, one in the house, and one with me. I’m looking for someone who gets along with other people, respects other people, and doesn’t think physical violence is the answer to all problems. So, Alex…?”
Good for you JoJo. And a heartfelt “thank you” for giving Chad that final push over the edge, and making him go completely bonkers. As is 2-on-1 tradition on this show, the winners leave while the loser gets left on whatever island/mountain top/enchanted wood they visited that day, and they have to fend off the elements until they eventually find their way to the Men/Women Tell All episode, while the remaining contestants celebrate at home.
By the way, the guy that came for Chad‘s bag is probably the sketchiest dude that’s been on this show all season. Don’t fuck with the production crew…
But not this time. This time, while the boys raid the mini-bar under the illusion of safety, Chad assumes wolf-form, and sprints back to the hotel before the sentries can sound the alarm. And he has vengeance on his mind…
To Be Continued. We have next week off, I guess for the NBA Finals. Why didn’t ABC just show the episode on Tuesday? Don’t tell me they have a full programming schedule. Whatever. Should be fun, see ya in 2 weeks, my friends….
And now, let’s watch Daniel become my favorite guy on the show. Making Evan think he’s naked, and offering a $1000 to check him out? That’s high comedy. I want this guy to be the next Bachelor.