Sorry about this week’s absence, but I was in Cabo, and our satellite service didn’t get ABC and the internet was  circa 2001 AOL dial-up speed. That, and I spent every waking minute at the pool, drinking margaritas and teaching The Boy to swim. A combo that won’t necessarily nominate me for Father of the Year, but fun nonetheless, and I’ll be honest and admit that JoJo’s journey of love was the furthest thing from my mind. Let me guess what happened: Luke was mysterious, Jordan played with his hair, Alex was angry, James was self-deprecating to a fault, Robby was tan, and Chase was….there. Am I close? Let’s do a quick bullet-point style catch-up and find out!

Tonight! Guns, horses, fireworks! Let’s rock…

JojO: “The last ceremony was really hard”. You didn’t send anyone home. How hard could it have been?

Chris Harrison: “How’s everyone doing after last night? ‘Cos I hit the Buenos Aires club scene, I’m banged up something fierce…”

“Alex –  I Gaucho On My Mind.” They’re running out of ideas for the date cards.

Twenty seconds of JoJo in the interview room, and I know Alex is going home tonight. Zero chemistry.

Why are these guys bitching about the bus? That thing is amaze-balls. I want to rent that for my next date night with Lovely Better Half.

The gaucho has more chemistry with the horse than JoJo has with Alex. All jokes aside, though, that horse whisperer shit was incredible. I can barely get my Dog to sit.

“I’m you’re goocho.”; “It’s gaucho.”; “Gotcha.” Proof that the show is not entirely scripted. No one can write dialogue that good.

Luke thinks the Argentinean countryside is the perfect place to be dark and mysterious and brooding. He’s like James Dean + Luke Perry + Robert Pattinson all rolled into one. Or it’s all an act, I haven’t figured out which (cough….)

“Jordan – Let’s Toast to Love”

JoJo: “Alex just told me he’s falling in love with me. I don’t know what to make of it.” I don’t think that’s the reaction Alex is looking for. And sending him home was definitely not what he was looking for.

Ten seconds into Jordan’s date, and everyone knows why Alex just got sent home. Next to leave: James T, Chase, Robby, and Luke, in that order.

They seriously drink the wine their feet were just stomping around in? I’d have to think long and hard about doing that and LBH just threw up in her mouth.

Luke: “Jordan had the most external hype coming into the show.” Really? Because I didn’t even know Aaron Rodgers had a brother before this season. What hype?

“Chase, James, and Robby – Let Our Love Soar”

Wait a second – Did Jordan just throw Aaron Rodgers under the bus? Maybe I heard it wrong, but he basically said Aaron doesn’t talk to him or anyone else in his family. Like he’s gone rock star, and forgotten about all the “little people.” Maybe, but it also sounds like an excuse for older brother not showing up for the Hometown Episode.

Jordan says he’s in love with her, and JoJo isn’t sure how to take it. Just kidding – she knows exactly how to take it. And during their Fantasy Suite Night, she’s gonna take it repeatedly.

The Producers had an amazing group date planed, but it’s raining like a Biblical tale, so they order room service, get drunk, play charades, and run around in their underwear instead.

James Taylor starts talking smack about Robby now. Isn’t this like the third guy James has sold out this season? James Taylor is a bitch. On the other hand, there’s no chance on earth Robby is ready to get engaged after ending a 4 year relationship 4.5 months ago.

Lovely Better Half: “Robby seems way more straight this episode.”

Considering that she’s sending James T home tonight, JoJo sure is going for it during their maul session. Does she feel like she owes him a parting gift?

JoJo and Luke ride horses and shoot skeet, and I’ll admit it: Luke’s the man. And he is absolutely, 100% the next Bachelor.

No cocktail party for like the 4th week in a row. I’m starting to think JoJo is sick of making small talk with the also-rans.

What the hell does “hay’s in the barn” mean? These guys keep saying it, and I have no idea what they’re talking about.

James Taylor picked this Rose Ceremony to shave for the first time the entire season? Whatever, let’s roll:

Let’s go to your place:

Robby has the Group Date Rose

Luke

Jordan

Chase

Hasta luego, James Taylor. Nice guy and all, but he needs to be more confident. When in doubt, don’t talk, just break out the guitar. Trust me, brother – when you sing, you’re solid gold.

Hometowns next week. Some families, some notable absences (ahem – Aaron), and in Robby’s case, some ex-girlfriends. See ya then, my friends.

 

And now, JoJo has an orgasm from a head massage….