It’s hometowns! The week where we get to see all the reasons people leave home in the first place! Though, I get the feeling this is going to be a pretty boring group. Can you imagine a Final Four of 1) Angry Alex and his twin brother yelling and fighting and wrestling and throwing crap and hitting each other with wrenches and shit, 2) Chad  and company serving a delicious carbo-loaded meal of protein powder lasagna and baked ziti while discussing the trade-offs between high weight/low reps vs low weight/high reps, 3) Evan telling his 3 kids “earmuffs!” every time his job comes up in conversation, and 4) Crazy Canadian Daniel’s family drinking Moosehead like spring water and doing Crazy Canadian Stuff? My fingers are literally trembling with excitement from the possibility, but as always, we get what we get. Not much of an intro on the show tonight; they launch right into the dates, and so shall we.

Chase – Highlands, CO

Lovely Better Half: [sounding skeptical] Colorado? Who’s from Colorado?

Me: Chase.

LBH: Ooooh! I could live there!

Me: You changed your tune pretty quick…

LBH: Great skiing! Hot guys! Mile high club! Get it?

Me: Yeah…

LBH: Because Colorado is really high up, and…

Me: Yeah – you could have sex with Chase on a mountain. I get it.

Speaking of mountain tops, JoJo and Chase decide to meet on one.

Holy cow…I don’t know where the other guys are bringing her, but that is freaking amazing…

Chase’s parents were divorced when he was 8, and it was a messy one with lawsuits and everything. That’s pretty rough on an 8 year old, and JoJo thinks that’s why he’s a little slower to open up than the other guys. OR, maybe he’s just a normal person, and doesn’t proclaim his everlasting love after knowing a girl for 2.5 weeks. Call me crazy. Anyway, after 20 years the parents still aren’t talking, so we’re meeting them separately. First up, Dad at Chase’s place. Pretty nice place, too, except for one small problem with the stairs…

That is NOT child-safe…

Chase and Pops talk about the divorce, and then Dad dispenses some relationship advice, which seems ironic at best. Next up is Mom, who’s wearing her best track suit and sounding a little slurry before dinner’s even started:

JoJo! I watched you last season, and you’re cute and all, but I’m REALLY looking forward to meeting your mom!

If anyone is moving Chase up in the ranks tonight, it’s Mom, because this woman is a popped cork away from a party. She takes JoJo outside to talk on the world’s coolest bench:

LBH: Whoa, take a pic! I love that bench!

Me: Yeah, it’s cool. But why #63? Why not #69? Get it?!

LBH: [not entertained] Yeah, I get it…

Me: Because while you’re on your mountain with Chase, I could go to the bench with JoJo and –

LBH: I GET IT.

Lot’s of stuff we’ve heard before. She seems great. Do you think you’re ready? I’ve never seen you this happy. Just be careful. You have my blessing. Both LBH and I think Chase is the best, most normal guy left. Plus, he’s the only one with a real job – medical sales rep. The other 3 guys are all ex-something. Luke will be the next Bachelor, because the audience LOVES him, but it should be Chase. He walks JoJo to the car, and finally opens up:

Chase: I’m falling in love with you, JoJo.

Lovely Better Half: Me, too…

And just like that, Shawn Gosling is a distant memory.

Jordan – Chico, CA

JoJo has never heard of Chico. I partied there a few times in college, and it was amazing. Sierra Nevada brewing company is there, really cute, really friendly girls, and everyone had weed. I loved Chico. And when I was there, absolutely no one looked like this:

This is getting out of control. How did he get his head inside a football helmet? Anyways, back to high school to meet with old football coaches, tour the old locker room, look at some football pictures, because, ya know, Jordan’s moved on from football and that life is behind him. Then, he and JoJo sit in the stands to talk about his family.

JoJo: So, can you tell me what happened between you and Aaron?

Jordan: No comment.

JoJo: Fair enough. Can you tell me more about your ex-girlfriend and what happened there?

Jordan: No comment.

JoJo: Umm, ok…well…do you want to just make out?

Jordan: Sure!

And now that JoJo is properly prepped on Jordan’s family dynamics, it’s off to meet the parents. And not a bad place to meet…

Did they have to leave their car at the security gate? Is the Secret Service guarding this place?

Look, I have NO idea whether or not Aaron Rodgers still talks to his parents, but he is rich and that place is amazing. Just saying. More dancing around the Aaron subject. Everyone loves JoJo. Blah, blah. Jordan walks JoJo to the car.

Jordan: I’m crazy about you, and if I’m getting down on one knee, it means that I’m getting up every day wanting to work on our relationship.

Me: [laughing out loud]

LBH: [spits out her wine]

Me: Can you imagine ‘working on the relationship’ every single day?

LBH: Omigod! That would be exhausting!

Me: Right!?

LBH: People are so dumb!

That’s my girl…

Robby – St Augustine, FL

Welcome to Florida, and Robby kicks off their day by asking JoJo to whistle for their carriage, and she can really whistle – that was legitimately impressive.

I’m feeling all jumpsuit-y today!

JoJo: There are moments when I feel like I’m falling in love with Robby. Like, the carriage ride was cute, and he’s a great kisser – but I always wish I was with Jordan instead. Anyways, today I want to find out if Robby’s ready for marriage after dumping his last girlfriend 3 months ago. I think I know the answer, but it’s always good to ask.

Nothing like a few long island iced teas to get the air cleared….

Family Time. Robby tells his brothers that he’s soooo in love and he wants a fairy tale ending. Because that’s exactly how guys talk to each other about girls. Next up, JoJo tells mom that Robby has always been the most in touch with his feelings, and Mom nods knowingly, and then asks “is there anything about Robby you have…questions about?”

Just don’t ask me about that time I caught him trading speedos with that boy from Daytona Beach…

And then suddenly, JoJo blurts out “No one knows this, but I think I’m falling in love with Robby”, which is completely out-of-nowhere. Next up, Mom tells Robby about hearing from his ex-girlfriend and she’s spreading rumors to magazines and it’s all too ridiculous. Like, if an ex-girlfriend of mine called my mom and started talking smack, A) my mom wouldn’t know who it was, B) she wouldn’t care, and C) she certainly wouldn’t bring it up to me. Anyways, Robby talks to JoJo, says the “right reasons” a few times, says some other crap, and JoJo doesn’t really care because all she wants to do is eat his face.

Me: Please don’t tell me she actually likes this guy. He’s kinda slimy. And he’s not even that good-looking.

LBH: No, he’s hot. He’s just gay. Which is a problem if you’re a girl.

Luke – Burnet, TX

JoJo meets Luke in downtown Burnet – all 1.3 acres of it – and then they go to Luke’s place to meet the entire town.

JoJo: Umm, why are there so many cars here?

Even the Official Bad Apples of the town were invited, hoping to catch a glimpse of Chris Harrison:

That’s about as Burning Man  as Burnet gets…

More talking amongst various family members. I like Luke’s dad; he’s genuinely proud of his son, and they had a pretty sweet moment together. JoJo and Luke split off for a horseback ride and you know, I hate to make fun of a guy that everyone likes so much, especially a veteran (LBH: “I hate talking trash about medical sales reps. Get it?!“), but man, some of the stuff Luke says is hard to swallow. “I like to think in my mind and look at the big picture and daydream, and sometimes I wake up from that dream in a dream, and I want to live that dream with you.” I mean, really? And then he brings JoJo to a field, and this is waiting for her:

Come ON….

Hey, maybe I’m the least romantic guy on earth, but Luke’s trying too hard. And yet, despite all the romantic talk and flower hearts and horses, JoJo doesn’t really look like she’s digging it. She thinks he’s a good guy, but she doesn’t like him that way, and she’s trying help set him up as the next Bachelor. We get a heavily produced country music video while Luke and JoJo embrace in the glow of a Texas sunset, and we’re out.

Rose Ceremony

LBH: We need to find Chase a girlfriend.

Me: What?

LBH: Maybe he can date The Girl.

Me: She’s one year old. And my daughter is not dating any guy from this show. Or ANY of the spin offs.

LBH: I think Chase is perfect for her.

Me: ?

Chris Harrison’s waiting for the boys at the airport.

Why does Chris Harrison always look so dope? Standing on the tarmac, waiting outside a private jet – he looks like he does this kind of thing ALL the time…

We’re going to have a Rose Ceremony, and the 3 remaining guys will get right on the plane. Not this plane of course; this is Harrison’s personal plane. The guys are flying coach on Ryanair. They wait patiently…

At least Jordan shaved tonight…

…while JoJo babbles to the camera a lot and then says “I need to say goodbye to Luke.”

Hold on a second – [REWIND]

“I need to say goodbye to Luke.”

Me: Did she just say…?

LBH: No, she said ‘Robby’

[REWIND]

“I need to say goodbye to Luke.”

Ok. That was surprising. Making things more confusing, Luke decides to pull JoJo aside and proclaim is unequivocal love, and JoJo has a conniption fit. TO. BE. CONTINUED.

Next week, The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony in Bachelor History. Plus, Men Tell All – this year, featuring Extra Anger! Can’t wait, see ya then my friends.

 

And now, Chase and JoJo make the worlds saddest snowman.

Where did they get the carrot?