When we last left our Romantic Hopefuls, JoJo was hyperventilating on the tarmac, feeling blue in both dress and mood, because Luke confessed his undying love right after she had resigned herself to dropping him like a hot rock. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison was tapping his watch because he had 15 minutes before LAX flight restrictions grounded his plane for the night, and the rest of the boys were wondering if they had finally graduated from coach:

Jordan: Hey, do you guys think we’re really taking this plane? I haven’t flown private since my older brother stopped talking to me…

No, Jordan, you are not really taking that plane; if you want to fly with the big boys, you’ll just have to reconcile with Aaron. Luke returns (brooding), and then JoJo (crying) and the Rose Ceremony begins.

Jordan – He knew it. We knew it. No surprises.

Robby – Who’s developed an intensely psychotic stare over the past couple episodes

Chase – and Lovely Better Half breathes a sigh of relief

So, it’s goodbye to Luke; see you next season on the Bachelor. JoJo says goodbye while Luke practices his ‘shocked’ face.

Luke: I’ve dreamed so much about our lives together, and that dream lived in my heart, and I felt like I shared that dream with you through my lips every time we kissed, so that dream could live in both our hearts and when we woke, that dream would be reality. But now the dream is gone, and we’ll never know what it could have been, and I miss you already. I’m so sorry.

JoJo: wahhh, arrgghh, sob, wahhhhh!

LBH: Does Luke cry in the car?

Me: One single tear. Just for the ladies.

So, Luke gets in the limo after the Most Devastating Heartbreak in Bachelorette History, and milks the camera one last time, laying the groundwork for his Bachelor interview on Men Tell All.

Come on, big guy…work that tear up…

Welcome to Thailand!

We follow JoJo around the resort, go for a walk on the beach, and contemplate with her on the balcony as she explains to the world that sending Luke home was really, really tough. But then she woke up in Thailand this morning, and it was freaking amaze-balls, and everything will probably turn out just fine….

Luke? Luke who?

And right she is, because it’s Fantasy Suite Week, folks, and it’s time to stop talking and start test driving. Because if the relationship doesn’t work with the lights off, it sure as hell ain’t gonna work with the lights on. First up is…

Robby

Robby shows up in a sidecar:

JoJo: Robby! I didn’t even recognize you!

Really, JoJo? Because he’s the only guy besides Jordan within 10,000 miles with that ridiculous haircut. How did you not recognize him? They walk around a market for a while, are completely unadventurous with the local cuisine, and then rush into the foot massage hut when a monsoon breaks out. There, Robby talks at length about how honest he is while ladies rub their feet:

Robby: Honestly, I’ve been soooo honest with you from day one. A perfect example is when I said I loved you. Because if I didn’t love you, I’d be lying. See?”

You believe me, right? RIGHT?

A) Robby’s starting to stare too much. Like in a creepy, psychopath way. B) That’s the most asinine logic I’ve ever heard. “You know I’m telling the truth, because if I wasn’t, I’d be lying.” Come again? Is JoJo really buying this crap?

Nighttime – JoJo and Robby sit down, and JoJo admits she has some concerns (LBH: “Yeah. He’s gay.”). Let’s talk it out.

JoJo: Do you love me?

Robby: Yeah.

JoJo: Really?

Robby: Yeah.

JoJo: But really, really?

Robby: Yeah.

JoJo: How do you know?

Robby: My dad told me so in a note.

JoJo: Yay!

And I guess that’s all it takes to appease all of JoJo’s concerns: a note from Dad. Let’s forego our individual rooms, shall we? Every year, it seems the guy with the sweetest suite ends up winning in the end. So, how does Robby do?

Eh…

I’ve seen better. JoJo is gushing about finding her perfect love story with Robby, and I can’t believe she’s really into this guy, but the lights go out, and Robby goes for gold in the breaststroke. We catch up in the morning, and JoJo is SPRUNG. Robby delivered the goods last night, and our girl is walking on cloud nine. She leaves to get ready for her next date, while Robby waves from the balcony.

He wakes up with his hair like that? What is it, a helmet?

Jordan

They go on a hike, which sounds like the last thing I want to do in Thailand. Swim, boat date, drinks, eat street food, muay thai match – all things I’d rather do than hike up a hill in 98% humidity. The Producers make it look arduous through clever editing, but Jordan and JoJo get to the end, and it doesn’t actually look that far.

What is that, like 30 feet above sea level?

Next, let’s walk through some caves and hang out next to a temple, where kissing is strictly forbidden. Considering how respectful The Bachelor has been of local customs in the past, I half expect them to be dry-humping next to a monk in less than 60 seconds, but our couple keeps it together and discusses JoJo’s family instead. Her mom is crazy and fun, and the brothers are – ahem – protective, as Ben can readily attest. Jordan simply hopes he can convince her Dad that his intentions are pure.

Don’t touch me! The monk is watching!

Nighttime – The dinner set-up is fancier than Robby’s. Jordan seems oddly worried about meeting JoJo’s dad, which makes me think he’s not really that into her. Apparently, JoJo is hearing similar warning bells.

JoJo: So, what does your next year look like?

Jordan: I don’t know.

JoJo: Wait, what do you mean, ‘you don’t know’?

Jordan: I mean I don’t know. [takes another drink]

JoJo: Don’t you mean ‘we’ll be engaged and living together’?

Jordan: Uh-huh [staring at the pad thai on his plate]

JoJo: You know…I’m worried that our lifestyles are a little different, and after 6 months, you’ll be like ‘see ya!’ and you’ll be gone…

Jordan: [sensing he said something wrong] Umm, no. What I meant was I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

JoJo: Yeah, I’ve heard that before. How do I know it’s true?

Jordan: Uhhh….feelings….different person when I’m with you….different and better…big deal for me…one knee…watching you walk toward me…ummm…want to make out?

JoJo: Sure!

And with that, Jordan back-peddles his way into a Fantasy Suite. How’s the room look?

Getting better….

Nicer than Robby’s room, but still no private pool. JoJo is SOOO in love with Jordan. JoJo loves everyone. The lights go out, and Jordan drives for the end zone. The next morning, he is one happy puppy:

We took a big step last night, in a REALLY exciting direction…

Ok. That sounded a little creepy. JoJo is scared because she’s in love with two people. Well, hold on tight, sister, it’s about to get scarier. You’ve got one more date.

Chase

A pictorial essay on how Chase is cooler than the other two:

No cheesy lines, no melodramatic bullshit – just a normal guy on a Boat Date, having fun and playing with fish. They hang out on the beach and maul in the water, and for the first time Chase looks like he might have an outside shot. JoJo and Chase go their separate ways to prepare for a night of suite, suite love, when Robby decides to go to JoJo’s room and stare at her some more.

Robby: I keep thinking and dreaming about you, and I’m ready to be your husband.

JoJo: That’s great! I have to meet Chase in 10 minutes, so….

Nighttime – Chase is scared of his feelings, but he finally opens up, individual rooms are foregone, and JoJo is 3 for 3 on Fantasy Suites. It’s shaping up to be a busy week. Our third couple of the night sits down to talk.

Chase: It’s hard for me to open up. but I’m 100% in love with you, JoJo.

JoJo: Thank you. Can you excuse me for a minute?

And then JoJo goes outside to freak-the-fuck-out.

Alright, he’s hot, but I’m not really into him long term, and I can’t sleep with 3 different guys in 3 days. At least not on TV….Damn all these cameras!

JoJo comes back to the Fantasy Suite, and Chase can see it in her expression:

I’m not getting laid tonight, am I?

No, Chase, you are most definitely not getting laid tonight. There’s much wailing and crying, and JoJo really didn’t want to make Chase upset. Chase tells her a hand job might lighten his mood, but JoJo thinks that will just make things more uncomfortable. And then we see yet another reason why Chase is cooler than the other two: he makes sure to grab a beer on his way out the door.

Got my road soda and I’m out, bitches! Hey, driver! How fast can you get to the Patpong district? I want to see two chicks playing ping pong without a paddle!

The (Anticlimactic) Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison: Hey! How you doin’? Because I went out with Chase last night, and my head is on FIRE! Man, you can find the craziest shit in Bangkok….

So, it looks like Jordan and Robby in the Finals. JoJo shows up for the formalities…

Robby: Oh yeah, I hit that…

Jordan: Relax, dude; so did I.

…only to be interrupted by the return of Chase. Basically, he came back to end things on a good note, because The Producers told him he needs to clean it up if he has any hope of beating Luke out for Bachelor. That and they have video of him and Harrison out in Bangkok last night, and they’re holding it over his head like a sword. So, Chase makes good, and then takes his pet monkey and goes home.

Roses to Jordan and Robby and JoJo makes a toast. Did she say she “is so excited about the sex week”? Oh, “so excited about this next week.” Sorry; my mistake. Tonight is Men Tell All! Chad Hungry! Alex Angry! And next week, The Most Shocking Conclusion in Bachelorette History! See you later tonight, my friends.

 

And now, it’s a monkey’s world, and we’re all just living in it.