I don’t know who I like more after this episode, Alexis or Vanessa. Now, the younger, more single, and more irresponsible me picks Alexis. Total party time. Young Edward and Alexis would call in sick to work and go day-drinking, just ‘cos fuck it – it’s Wednesday and why not? We would promote some bad and entertaining behavior in each other. The current me – the one with a wife and kids and responsibility – picks Vanessa. She’s good looking, smart, confident, and she’s got her shit together from A to Z. I’ve dated some Alexis’s, but I married a Vanessa, and trust me: you build a life with this girl. And she should be the next Bachelorette, because she’s way too good for Nicky Horndog. Let’s recap and find out why, shall we?
Last week, on the The Bachelor! Liz is a little bit nuts, but Nick is all about that cray, so he hooked up with her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, and now he has to tell the girls about it.
So, I met Liz at a mutual friend’s wedding. Ok, Jade and Tanner really aren’t friends, but ABC agreed to supply the booze if they invited ex-Bachelor contestants. And I didn’t really get an invite; I read about it on Farmer Chris’s Facebook page and crashed it…anyway, doesn’t matter. I met Liz and we had sex.
And suddenly, Nick is mumbling and having trouble looking people in the eye again. The girls are shocked – SHOCKED I tell you! – and some are even questioning Nick’s intentions. Have you watched the show before, ladies? Has he ever done anything to make you think his intentions were pure? Still, the girls might want to refrain from mounting that high horse just yet. Besides Christen, I don’t see a lot of virgins in this room, so you know, let she without sin, etc, etc. Realizing this, the girls seem cautiously willing to give Nick a pass – this time.
Lacey: I think this time is ok, since it was from before the show. I don’t know how I’d react if he slept with someone here, though.
Astrid: You mean before the Fantasy Suite.
Lacey: Well, yeah, obviously! He’s gonna bang everyone in the Fantasy Suite!
And despite the bump in the road, Nick is still confident that his future wife is in the room. Just not as confident as we was 24 hours ago. But, just to make sure he stays on the straight and narrow, Chris Harrison hangs a big poster of Josh Murray in his dressing room.
Suitably frightened, Nick joins the cocktail party, determined to capitalize on the renewed faith of his potential brides-to-be. Oh wait, no he doesn’t! Because Corinne shows up with nothing but a trench coat and a can of Reddi Whip, and not 5 minutes after assuring the ladies that he’s “here for the right reasons”, Nick is licking whipped cream off a 24 year-old’s boobs like it’s a Vegas strip club.
Man, I haven’t had this much fun since Tanner’s bachelor party, which I wasn’t invited to, but I crashed anyway…
What is that box hiding in the first picture? Does Corinne have third nipple, right in the middle? Anyway, the girls might have been cool with the whole Liz Situation, but Corinne’s Boob Buffet isn’t sitting quite as well.
Nick eventually pulls himself away from Corinne’s cleavage to talk to Jasmine (“So, how do Corinne’s tits taste?”; “Great!”), she completely breaks down in tears, and I’m trying to figure out why Corinne is still single. Just spit-balling here, but it might be because she’s completely insecure, throws herself at guys, and when the sex isn’t enough to keep them around, she has a panic attack and decides the solution is to act even sluttier. Just saying Corinne, maybe you should mix it up a little bit. Take a pottery class, join a book club.
The ladies line up, and apparently Hailey has figured out what gets Nick’s attention, and she came to play tonight.
Yowza! If you can’t beat Corinne, might as well join her. Speaking of Corinne…
Wow. That’s confident. It takes some serious stones to not even bother showing for the ceremony. For the sake of his other relationships in the house, there’s no way Nick is going to let this go, right?
Wow, sorry ladies. I know Corinne is being really disrespectful right now, but she did let me lick her boobs tonight, so you know, it’s a balancing act. This may blow up in her face later in the season, but I doubt it. Anyways, let’s send 2 of you home…
Continuing the Journey
Corinne has the first Group Date Rose
Danielle M has a 1-on-1 Rose
Christen – did she get the 2nd Group Date Rose? I don’t remember Nick calling her name, but she stays this week. I think I screwed this list up; my apologies.
Astrid – she dresses weird
Taylor – all her friends think Nick sucks
Brittney? Hailey? No, Whitney – I had to rewind this 5 times. Nick: SPEAK. UP.
Kristina – Da!
Danielle L – owns nail salons, likes low cut dresses
Rachel – Attorney, Final 4
Vanessa – Final 4, hopefully next Bachelorette
Raven – Hoxie, sweet girl. Anybody else get the feeling Raven thinks all the other girls are insane?
Jaimi – dates girls
Domique – who?
Sarah – another potential Final 4
I take it all back. I want Alexis to be the next Bachelorette. I know she’s perfect for BinP, but she needs her own show.
Brittney – fig leaf girl
Josephine – just weird
Jasmine – I got nothing
Don’t Let the Door Hit Ya…
Liz is already gone
Lacey – I liked camel girl
Hailey – who’s not happy;
I wore this stupid top, my boobs are all over the place, and it didn’t even work. What? Yes, it’s a tattoo of a bobby pin. What does that have to do with anything?
Group Date – Everybody
The group: Danielle L, Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne. The Fun: Dancing with the Back Street Boys! Christen cries:
While Kristina is unimpressed:
Black Sea Boys? I do not know this band. They are Cossack, yes?
Time to practice. Corinne tells us she can’t dance, and boy, is she not kidding. She’s terrible. What’s that old saying about dancing ability and how good someone is in bed? Maybe that only applies to guys.
I digress. Corinne hates being with a bunch of girls and runs away and cries and whines about how much better it would be if it were just her and Nick. So, not so good on group dates, then. I swear this reminds of someone from another season, but I’m having trouble recalling the name. Someone from Andi’s season, maybe? Or was it Kaitlyn’s? Eh, it’ll come to me.
Showtime! And everyone does great except Corinne. Danielle L wins the informal Backstreet Vote and gets a serenaded slow dance. Nick mauls her face on stage, in front of the girls and 500 of their closest friends, while Corinne, crestfallen, sends a text to her nanny, telling her to bring a cucumber salad and her teddy bear to the parking lot, IMMEDIATELY. I’m sorry, have we not mentioned The Nanny yet? Don’t worry; it’s coming.
It’s nighttime now, and Nick serves himself a Big Boy glass of whiskey.
Corinne: That’s it, Nick. Drink until you can’t fight anymore. I’m gonna pull those pants right off.
Christen: Whoa, Nick! That’s quite a bit of Devil’s water in that glass. I think you might have brought a little bit of Paradise home with you, and not the good parts, mmkay?
That glass is a hangover waiting to happen. Anyway, it’s the Corinne show tonight. She apologizes to Nick for dropping the ball on the date, but she’s just not good at “planned dancing”, whatever that means. Then they make out and Corinne is so exhausted, she takes a nap. No bullshit. In the middle of the date.
She’s like a teenager, sleeping 18 hours a day. It’s ridiculous, but not as a ridiculous as The Nanny. That’s right, this grown woman, 24 years old, has a full time nanny for herself. Raquel cooks, cleans, makes her bed, does her dishes, does her laundry – pretty much everything except wipe her ass (though Corinne never specifically ruled it out, so…). And then, Corinne offers this gem: “Taking care of me makes Raquel happy, and I’m not going to stop someone’s happiness.” There’s been a lot of self-centered people who’ve said a lot of self-centered crap on this show, but if there has ever been a more condescending and over-privileged statement than that, feel free to point it out to me. She makes Kalon look down to earth. Anyway, the Group Date Rose goes to Danielle, and everyone seems cool with that. Except for Corinne, who thinks Danielle is pretty but shallow. Cos, we all know what a deep thinker Corinne is. She’s like Plato, only with a platinum vagina.
That shit’s PLATINUM!
Vanessa 1-on-1 – You Make Me Feel Like Floating
We’re flying in a Zero G plane and how awesome does this date sound? Lovely Better Half and I grabbed our phones at practically the same time to find out how much this costs. The answer: $4950 plus tax. Looks like we’re stuck with dinner and a movie, baby. First, Nick does some preflight checks to make sure the plane is air-worthy.
It’s all ball bearings these days…
And we’re off! They float around, do some flips, and then the inevitable zero gravity mauling ensues…
I feel like I’m floating!
…followed by the inevitable zero gravity nausea, and Vanessa goes for the bag.
I’m not feeling all that floaty anymore…
Sexy. Lovely Better Half: “Why does he have to stop? I’d be like ‘guys, can you handle this?’, and then I’d keep going. No reason why I still can’t have fun.” That’s my girl. But Nick is there for Vanessa, and even makes out with her after she throws up, which is the true sign of a gentleman. Or a guy that hasn’t gotten laid since, ohhh, Jade and Tanner’s wedding, perhaps…
Bring on the night. Vanessa talks about grandma. Nick talks about Andi. Does anyone else get the feeling he’s not over her? Just me? Anywho, Nick is drinking, talking about old flames, and then this happens:
No freaking way…
He’s wasted and he’s crying, and Ladies, I’m telling you right now: guys that get wasted and cry a lot have deep seeded issues. Like, therapy deep. I actually want Nick to meet someone now, because the alternative concerns me. Rose for Vanessa and a rooftop maul. Fireworks? Nope, not tonight.
Group Date #2 – I’m Done Playing the Field
Rachel, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittney, Domonique, and Alexis.
Sweatpants and chardonnay. Is it 9am already? LOVE this girl…
Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis, and Michelle Carter show up to referee the Nickathalon, a series of track and field events designed specifically to show how under-supported Astrid is.
Can Corinne have Raquel bring a sports bra when she drops off lunch?
They do some stuff, and Alexis is surprisingly athletic for someone that’s been drinking for two weeks straight. The final 3 face off in a 100 yard dash for Nick’s heart: Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid – of course – because The Producers know Astrid running the 100 is going to look like an episode of Baywatch, and there’s no way she’s not that race. Rachel gets to the end first, but drops the big ring which smashes into a million pieces (bad omen, Nick). Shockingly, Astrid picks up the biggest piece and gets to the Olympic Hot Tub first, and pulls off the upset. Her prize? Private time.
Dude, I’m making out with a chick, in a hot tub, in front of Carl Lewis. This is like my BIGGEST dream ever!
Everyone moves on to the night portion, and Nick is slurring his words before the party’s even started. Alexis makes out with Nick on top of a giant picture of Nick:
I feel like I’m having a threesome with myself…
She’s nuts in all the right ways, rolling through life with no worries at all. Dominique, on the other hand, is a little neurotic. While the other girls flirt and suck Nick’s face, Dominique tries the super-aggressive and naggy approach. “I’m gonna let you know when I’m not getting a fair chance, and you weren’t paying enough attention to me. You should have come to me earlier in the day, but you didn’t. And here’s another thing…”
Hold on a second: which one of us is the Bachelor again? Oh, that’s right, it’s me…
You can see this one coming a mile away. Nick doesn’t see much of a connection, and he’s certainly not in the mood to get bitched out (especially when he’s 4 scotches down). Plus, he gets an opportunity to send a message to the other girls that says, “HEY! Maybe you shouldn’t yell at me when we’re on group dates!” So, it’s sayonara to Dominique. We hardly knew ye. Oh yeah, Group Date Rose goes to Rachel, for some reason or other.
That’s right, my friends, it’s time for obligatory bikini montage! But first, the Production Crew wakes everyone up at the buttcrack of dawn and shoves cameras in their faces before they can claw their way into the makeup trailer.
Come on – that’s a little mean, right? Nick comes over and everybody throws on a suit, takes a hit of ecstasy, and starts grinding all over each other. Girls are rubbing Nick down, kissing him all over – it’s like a scene out of Caligula. But the biggest surprise of all is from Corinne.
You think this is crazy, you should’ve seen Raquel blowing the thing up. Corinne wouldn’t let her use a pump, either. Took the poor woman all night…
So, Nick and Corinne are bouncing and mauling and grinding and getting all sorts of NC-17 while the smart, confident ladies with actual jobs and lives watch from the balcony.
I took my sabbatical early for this shit? To watch this 3-time losing, overgrown man-child grind on some spoiled bimbo in a bouncy castle? WTF…
And once again, the girls are questioning Nick’s intentions. Vanessa is especially pissed. It could have something to do with him dry humping a 24 year-old girl with a nanny on a toy designed specifically for children’s birthday parties – I don’t know. But whatever the reason, she’s talking to him about it.
Are you looking for a wife? Or are you looking to fuck around? Am I wasting my time? Because I want to know why someone with your history would do something like this. To be clear, I’m not judging Corinne; I’m judging YOUR actions.
Boom. And unlike Nick, Vanessa is not having trouble making eye contact. I like this girl…Next week: I don’t know, a bunch of stuff. My notes are pretty vague, but I’m pretty sure there’ll be drama a’plenty. See ya then, my friends!
And now, Josephine needs to never sing again. Ever.
That’s it – it’s over – Ed wins the ‘Net forever
Anyone who can seemlessly weave a “Fletch” reference into a Caligula scene rules the world
Thanks for letting us live in your world, Ed!!
Thank you, sir! Happy to entertain…
All that goodwill Nick got during BiP is all gone because of Corinne. Love how he talks about how playful and full of energy she is and all I can think is “that is because she is a child! When they are that young they of course have all that energy!” This might be the best season ever and I want Alexis to be my bestie, but I think she would also encourage my worst tendencies too.
Alexis is the best. I absolutely guarantee if Alexis had been on that Zero G date, she would’ve smuggled drinks on the plane. Wine in a sippy cup or margarita squeeze packets or just emptying a bottle of champagne mid-flight and floating around, trying to drink it out of the air. She would’ve figured out a way. She’s the best.