Bachelor Nick Week 2 – Ima Make Out With ALL the Girls!

Nick sure isn’t wasting any time sampling the goods. And Corinne takes ‘confidence’ to an annoyingly new level, doesn’t she? I don’t think we’ve ever seen someone this sure of themselves, this confident in their connection, and who brazenly taunts the other contestants about it. Though, there was this one time…

nick-andi

Bachelorette Andi Week 7 – ‘Andi brings up the other elephant in the room, this time about the guys describing Nick as arrogant. Andi asks him if he thinks he’s the front runner…[and] he basically says that, yes, he is the front runner, but he wraps it up in fancier words.’

And then there was this guy:

nick-kaitlyn Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 6 – Talking to Shawn B: “Yeah, so, we just hung out and she invited me back to her place. I was, like, shocked, but she really wanted me to come to her room. We had some more whiskey [laughing] – we had a LOT of whiskey yesterday – and then, you know, one thing led to another, and it was very…[looking directly at Shawn Gosling] intimate. It was very personal and authentic. It felt comfortable.”

So, ummm…..yeah. ANYWAYS, Corinne is crushing SOOOO HARD on Nick:

20170109_201750

I know it’s only been 1 night, but I want to have like a hundred million little babies with him!

Sorry; I just have to edit that picture real quick:

20170109_201750-fixed

Fixed. Chris Harrison makes his daily appearance to let the ladies know there will be 2 Group Dates and one 1-on-1. Then he hands over the first date card and flies back to Sayulita – all in a day’s work. Let’s get rollin’…

Group Date – Always a Bridesmaid…

The players: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, Elizabeth W. All 12 ladies (all of whom have had 24-hour access to an open bar, and none of whom have been breathalized) hop into 3 rented convertibles…

20170109_202313

Seriously, how much does this show pay in liability insurance? They must be covered to hilt…

…and they meet Nick, who’s just returned from a shopping spree at Baby Gap.

20170109_202430

That shirt is too small for my 3-year old son, let alone a grown man…

Nick looks a little nervous talking to the group, but eventually mumbles out the plan for the day: they’re taking themed wedding photos with Franco La Costa! Wait, who?

20170109_202645

Franco is straight-up pimp. The single coolest dude on planet Earth. Not even kidding.

Franco “Has a Nize Zuuuprize” for the girl who has the most chemistry with Nick and Corinne’s so excited. Corinne has such a strong connection. Corinne kissed Nick first. Corinne has the BEST body of any girl there.

Brittney: Hey guys! How do I look?

Corinne: Whatever. I bet SHE’S not a business owner…

Sarah – Las Vegas Eloping Bride

20170109_203352

Franco: OOOh! Sumbody iz naughty! Sumbody need a spanking!

Hailey – Biker Bride? I saw a lot of leather, I don’t know.

Alexis – Shotgun Bride. God love her, nothing goes with a baby-bump quite like a glass of whiskey. At 10 o’clock in the morning.

20170109_202932

And what do you mix with a healthy dose of whiskey? Firearms!

20170109_203558

Franco: Push eet! Push eet REAL good!

Dolphin girl is growing on me…

Vanessa – 1980’s Bride – Bad hair, bad dresses, bad luck.

Taylor – Princess Bride

20170109_204043

Franco: I know you from before time…

Brittney – Adam and Eve Bride

20170109_204320

Methinks the girls are laughing a BIT too loudly…

Corinne – Beach Bride. Her top comes off, and Nick is all hands, literally 20 feet away from the rest of the group.

20170109_204636

Franco: Oh yezzz! Sumbody having fun! Yezzz! Do the Janet Jackson! You girls having fun?

Corinne: SO much fun!

Everyone else: ehh…..

And the winner of the ‘Big Zoooprize’ is Corinne! Who gets a ride in a car! With Nick…down the driveway and back. That’s not something you really slut-it-up for , is it?

It’s nighttime, and Corinne tells us that no one has ever held her boobs that way. Lovely Better Half: “You’re 24 and that’s as perky as they’re gonna get. You better start letting people hold ’em.” That’s my girl. Let the shenanigans begin!

Corinne: When I feel something, I feel it with my whole heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. You’re so amazing and calming and I feel comfortable with you and let’s make out.”

Nick: That sounds exactly like what I told Andi 2 years ago. Are you copying my stuff?

And then Nick mauls Jasmine. And Lacey. And Brittney (“All I want to know is who’s boobs are better?” Nice one, Britt). In a rare show of restraint, he only talks to Raven. Nick is about to make-out with Alexis, when Dolphin Girl gets interrupted by Corinne, who’s tipped back her wine glass a few times too many tonight and is looking for Maul #2.

And then Corinne goes Full Viall 2014 and toasts the group with a rousing “Cheers, Bitches!” and it’s a shit show. She interrupts Taylor’s time, and Nick could politely decline since he’s already tongue-wrestled her twice tonight, but he’s on his third double-whiskey, and Little Nicky is in charge now, so it’s Maul #3 for Corinne.

20170109_210501

LBH: All this guy wants is to get laid.

The other ladies are talking about Corinne like “she’s not the type of girl he’s looking for”, but she’s exactly the type of girl he’s looking for. Seriously, the only action this guy has gotten is from a drunk doula in Vegas who didn’t want his number the next day. He’s like the son of a dentist that’s been let loose inside a candy shop, and he’d have sex with anyone that tugs on his zipper at this point. But what do I know; he’s the New and Improved Nick, right?

Then Taylor re-interrupts Corinne, Corinne gets pissy, makes a speech and then Taylor and Corinne fight without actually saying anything.

20170109_210847

Corinne: Are you ok?

Taylor: I’m ok. Is there a reason I shouldn’t be ok?

Corinne: It’s ok. I’m glad you’re ok.

Taylor: Great. Because I’m happy.

Corinne: I’m happy, too. As long as there’s no situation around the situation.

Taylor: Oh, you mean with the interrupting?

Corinne: And maybe the RE-interrupting.

Taylor: I’m fine with it. I’m very happy with my time tonight.

Corinne: I’m happy with your time, too. That’s why I took it.

Taylor: Fine!

Corinne: Great!

Taylor: OK!

Corinne: OK!

Predictably, the Group Date Rose goes to Corinne, and why does she squeal every time Nick hugs her? Is she filled with helium? Everyone hates Corinne, and Vanessa wonders out loud if Nick is just there for a good time. YOU THINK?!

Liz the Doula – I like Having Secrets! I Just Wish I Could Tell Someone!

It’s starting to dawn on Liz that Nick isn’t interested, and she’s not long for this show. So she needs to get her story out and stir shit up before Bachelor Nation forgets who she is and her shot at Paradise fades into oblivion. But, who to tell?

20170109_211853 I know! I’ll tell the girl saving herself for marriage! She can totally relate! Now, where did that virgin go…?

Who’s passed out on the bench, by the way? It’s like noon, and she’s passed out in the kitchen. We’re close to intervention time here. Anywho, Liz is very worried about her story getting out (wink, wink), but Christen promises not to tell anyone (wink, wink) and away we go. Liz and Nick emptied the bar at the wedding, started making out in the hallway, and went back to her room, where “shit got real”. Liz described it as “awkward with a lot of alcohol” (hmm, where have I heard that before?), and stopping in the middle to talk and then have more sex? That’s weird. Nick asked for her number and she said no, because “you just fucked me, and we were totally wasted. You know?”

20170109_212257

Oh, yeah. Totally. I mean, ummm…

And that’s it. Liz strolls off to update her resume, while Christen sits in shocked silence, wondering if she goes to hell for keeping secrets with a trollop or breaking her promise not to tell anyone.

Danielle M 1-0n-1 – Our Relationship is About to Take Off

20170109_205831

I’m so excited for Danielle! No, really! I am! In fact, I’m so excited, I think I’ll shove a poison meatball down her throat just to WISH HER LUCK ON HER STUPID DATE WITH A GUY THAT I ALREADY SLEPT WITH!!

Easy, Liz; step away from the cookware. Because you’re about to be a lot less happy when you hear about this date. We don’t just have a helicopter or a boat or a hot tub, my friends. This is Nick’s season, and the only way is All The Way, so say hello to the “helicopter landing on a boat with a hot tub” date.

20170109_211644

I was so in awe, I had to avert my eyes from the screen. All they needed was a fireworks display, and The Producers would’ve checked every Bachelor box on one date. Too bad Nick picked the wrong girl. Danielle M is a beautiful lady and she’s a sweetheart, but man, is she dull, and Nick is not feeling it. On the plus side, he’s not intimidated either, so he enunciates and he keeps his fingers out of his mouth, and we can actually understand what he’s saying for the first time this season. A little tubbin’, a little talk, then off to dinner, where they talk about their ex’s – always a sign the date is going well. Nick talks about Andi and Kaitlyn (no Jen Saviano?). Danielle talks about her fiance who died of a drug overdose. That always lightens the mood. And how do you not know the person you’re about to marry is a drug addict? And she’s a nurse, too. I don’t get that at all. Anyway, she’s always been scared to tell guys her story, because when she does, they usually leave shortly after:

20170109_213059

Fuck! This has been the most boring date ever, and now I CAN’T send her home. America will hate me again. Alright, what do I say? ‘Don’t be embarrassed, I don’t think less of you, I think more, blah blah blah’…ok, let’s do this…

A Rose for Danielle M and Nick says she’s cute, endearing, and lovable. Like a puppy. Then Nick takes her on a ferris wheel and mauls her, because even though he’s not interested, she’s still pretty good-looking, and it’s been a helluva dry spell since Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

Group Date #2 – We Need to  Talk…

Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz – come on down! We’re off to the Museum of Broken Relationships, and The Producers are really hammering home that Nick’s been dumped a lot. He’s even donated his own piece of memorabilia:

Is that “(almost) engagement” or “diamond (almost)”? ‘Cos there’s a difference, and I have to imagine that, with no signage or official endorsement, you’d have to pry a real ring from Neil Lane’s cold, dead fingers.

But the Main Event for today: everyone takes turns breaking up with Nick. Poor guy’s running the gauntlet; he needs a wife bad.

20170109_215043

In Russia, I do not break up with man. I hire Ukranian strongman to make him ‘disappear’, much like this – how you say? – Juan Pablo? Yes?

Russian Anna Kendrick scares me. You know what else scares me? This:

Lovely Better Half: How would I break up with you? Hmmm…

Me: [perking up, thinking about going to the gym again]

LBH: I think I’d be calm about it. “It’s not working for me. Bye.”

Me: I’d leave a note, and I’d make sure I was 10,000 miles away when you found it.

LBH: “Say goodbye to daddy, kids…”

The girls take turns, and I see every one of my past relationships play out before my eyes. Even the slap rings a hazy bell. And then Liz the Doula comes up, tells the entire story of their hookup in creepy detail, and shit gets really, REALLY awkward.

20170109_215450

Can you just slap me like the last girl…?

Everyone is very confused, except for Christen of course, who puts it all in perspective: “It’s crazy, but life and love is crazy.” Wise beyond her years, that one.

To the club, everyone. Nick can’t pay attention to anyone, because he has no idea what Liz has said to whom, and he’s scared that he’ll be derailed in the second week, and The Producers will call in Josh Murray from the bullpen to finish out the season. Then Christen sits down and basically says, “Liz told me everything.”

20170109_220325

Christin: She said you had some drinks and spent time together.

Nick: And by ‘spent time’, she meant…?

Christin: Well, she used the F-word a lot.

Nick: Gotcha…

Which leads to the Showdown With the Ghost of Weddings Past. A lot of talk, which is all Liz trying to explain why she never got in touch with Nick until he was on the show. He thinks she’s reaching for her 15 minutes, and for once, Lovely Better Half and I agree completely with Nick. “We had fun when we were hanging out, but…” and he pauses, so I’ll finish it for him: “…but this, this shit right now? This isn’t fun. This is annoying and weird, and there’s a TON of hot girls here, and you’re crushing my groove, so get out.” See ya, Liz; good luck finding that Golden Ticket to Paradise. Now, all Nick has to do is tell the rest of the girls that he had a one night stand with Liz a few months ago, and hoped to sweep everything under the rug, but then Liz talked, so now he’s coming clean. That should go well!

20170109_221507

Next week, shit goes sideways. And it’s only Week 3. See ya then, my friends. Oh yeah, let’s not forget to celebrate the one year anniversary of Alexis’ boobs. Two cupcakes and all.

20170109_221731

I’m telling ya, a party on wheels. I like this girl more every time I see her.

 

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go find out why #goldenshowers is trending on twitter…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s