WELCOME, Bachelor Nation, to the most DRAMATIC opening night EVER, of a season UNLIKE ANY you’ve seen BEFORE. The MOST controversial Bachelor in BACHELOR HISTORY, embarks on the most SHOCKING journey to find LOVE that we’ve ever, EVER seen, in an UNPRECEDENTED – ok, ok, Chris, for fuck sake – we got it. You guys chose the nuclear option with Nick Viall and this season’s going to be a complete blow-out. Enough with the hyperbole, let’s get this train-wreck rolling…

…annnnd we start with 20 seconds of Nick saying “Hi, I’m Nick Viall and I’m the Bachelor” in different voices and I hate him already. I’m gonna love this season.

A little side note, however, before we watch a shirtless montage of Nick. Anyone see the “Countdown to Nick” on Sunday night? What the hell happened to Shawn Gosling?

Dude, letting yourself go a little bit. When he first started Kaitlyn’s season, he was groomed, jacked, and everyone wanted his babies. Now he has a mullet, he’s lost weight, and he acts like he’s been smoking dope nonstop since June. Lovely Better Half was legitimately depressed. You know who wasn’t depressed? Me. Ha HA! My status as #1 man in the house has just been reinstated, because Shawn B went from being Ryan Gosling to Nic Cage in Con Air.

Hey Kaitlyn? Have you seen my medical card? My “glaucoma’s” acting up, if you catch my drift…

I thought Kaitlyn looked great, by the way. But, more importantly, how does Nick look tonight? Lessee, he’s running shirtless, getting into the shower with a New & Improved Ass-Box, with Tilt Functionality:

That’s an uncomfortable camera angle. It must be so weird filming this stuff…

He strolls through downtown, earbuds in, coffee in hand, blissfully listening to Coldplay, and all I can think is how funny it would be if someone punched him in the face. Come on, slapstick is funny. He peruses old pictures with the fam, who must be thrilled about the prospect of flying to Burbank to sit in a soundstage for 5 hours for a yet another finale.

I had just finished writing ‘Just Bieb Phase’ in my notes when Nick’s sister shouts out “Hey, it’s his Justin Bieber look!” Thanks, sis. Now I need to come up with a new joke, and there isn’t one, because Nick looks just like Justin Bieber, and that’s the only joke to make. And people think writing this crap is easy…

And we get straight into the heart of tonight’s episode, namely that Nick isn’t the bad guy he used to be. He works really hard to convince us he’s come to grips with past mistakes. He admits he mumbles, that he doesn’t have the best eye contact, and that he can ramble on sometimes. It’s like he’s read my stuff, though he does skip over the arrogance, the pushing-of-people’s- buttons, and the slut shaming of Andi on national television. But that’s all in the past! Nick’s a new man, now! And to prove it, The Producers make him stand in a booth on a crowded street corner and get berated by random passersby. For a franchise built on publicly embarrassing people, this was just gratuitous. They might as well have tied him to a post and let people throw tomatoes and cabbage at him. But to his credit, Nick is all grown up since Andi left him dangling in the breeze (or he at least knows this is his last and final shot at meeting someone), so with each insult, he politely smiles and says “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I really am different now.” And then he promises to give America a happy ending.

Nick: I don’t actually have to give the entire country a handjob, right?

Producer: No, its a figure of speech. You’re good.

Any Advice, Guys?

Time to meet with the boys! So – who’s contractually obligated to show up this year?

Sean: Man, I’m glad they called me back. I got nothing going on and that new baby is driving me nuts. Hey, you think I could get on that New Celebrity Apprentice with Schwarzenegger?

Farmer Chris: No, man, that’s on NBC. You can’t jump networks. I’m just happy to see some LA girls. I went on farmersonly.com, and the closest chick to me lives in Nebraska. Maybe the three of us should get an apartment together in Santa Monica and start our own reality show! We go out and meet chicks, and drink, and meet chicks…

Ben: You guys are on your own. I got a sweet deal with Freeform and I’m not blowing it.

Whiskey all around, and the marketing tour continues. “We never really liked you, but now you’re a good guy, we hope America sees that, blah blah blah.” Nick just hopes to fall in love, hope she says yes, and hopes Josh Murray isn’t there in the end.

The Main Event

Hi, I’m Chris Harrison, and welcome to another exciting season of The Bachelor. This year, we’ll follow Nick to exotic locations around the world as he searches for love – wait, we’re going fucking FINLAND?! IN WINTER?! I thought we settled this after Kaitlyn’s season? NO. COLD. WEATHER. Jorge! Fire up the jet! We’re flying back to Sayulita early!

We meet some ladies, and then switch to the mansion, where Nick rambles on about open minds, and putting himself out there, and being hopeful, and finding the one, while Chris Harrison impatiently signals for him to wrap it up. The Man has a plane to catch. Let’s go through the highlights, shall we?

(By the way, I’m watching this with Lovely Better Half and one of her girlfriends. They both hate Nick’s beard. I’m telling you, guys, you need to start shaving.)

Danielle L

Danielle started her own nail salon at 23, expanded it to three locations, and wants everyone to know she has a fantastic set of breasts…

…which Nick manages to notice.

Danielle: Are you excited, Nick?

Nick: Um yeah. I’m good.

Danielle: I thought you would be…

They talk later during the cocktail party, and Nick can’t even look her in the eye (not that he’s great at that anyway). Danielle L is definitely Final 4 material.

Jasmine G

Jasmine G shows up with Neil Lane, who’s got no plans on a random weekday night, and decides to go to Bachelor mansion to raid craft services and play Xbox with Chris Harrison.

Hey Nick! Can I just tell you – you’re freakin’ GREAT for business, man! I’ve never had a repeat customer like you…

Bold move. Unfortunately, Jasmine G also turns into this year’s Lace. She’s never had to compete for a guy and she’s “never been in this situation before”. If I had a nickel, etc, etc, and we have our first waterworks of the season at the 1:19 mark.

That didn’t take long….

Josephine

She’s from Santa Cruz, talks to sea lions and is uncomfortably close with her cat.

Even the cat thinks she’s annoying…

Then she gives Nick a wiener in a book…

…and when I think it can’t get any weirder, it does:

Awesome…

Josephine’s a nutcase, and I haven’t figured out if it’s the scary kind, or the run-away kind. Who am I kidding, she’s gone in week 3.

Raven

Apparently there’s only 3 things to do in Hoxie: go mudding, shoot guns, and read the bible. And she does a mean pig call. Hot. Sweet girl, though; she was growing on me by the end of the night.

Lacey

 Lacey: Everyone loves a good hump!

Camel: You seriously brought me out here for this shit? And I was told I’d get to meet Farmer Chris…

The most amazing thing is that Raven from Hoxie is actually jealous of this move. Wow.

Danielle M

Lovely Better Half melts when she sees the baby in the intro, and I know who she’s rooting for this season. As for me, Danielle M is pretty , but she came off real bland tonight. I think Nick likes them with a little bit of an edge.

Liz

The doula from Las Vegas has a secret to tell! She met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, they had a LOT to drink and things got pretty crazy…

Well…I plead the fifth (wink, wink)…

Yeah, until your third glass of red, when you flat out tell the camera you had sex with him. It’s amazing what a little alcohol will do. Like get you to have sex with Nick, for instance. Anyway, Nick asked for her number the next morning, and she said ‘no’, and look, I’m sure no one would ever, ever go on The Bachelor just for the exposure, or to get on BinP (cough!) but it seems to me if Liz liked him, she would have given him her number after the wedding. And what’s up with girls not wanting to see Nick again after sleeping with him? Andi, Kaitlyn, a doula in Vegas – c’mon, this is a trend I’d be worried about if I were him. But, the question of the night: does Nick remember Liz?

Liz: Hey!

Nick: Umm, hey…

Liz: Nice to meet you!

Nick: Umm, yeah, you look….great.

Liz: Thanks!

Nick: So…ummm…I look forward to getting to know you, I guess…

And there he is, folks! The New and Improved Nick, who’s not positive whether or not he slept with the girl standing right in front of him. Though he definitely looks like he recognizes her from somewhere.

I have this weird feeling she dumped me, but I don’t remember stalking her, so…

He does have concerns, similar to mine, and talks to Liz about it later that night.

Nick: Why didn’t you call me before? It’s not hard to get my number.

Liz: You just seem so self-aware now.

Nick: Now? What was I before?

Liz: Well, I mean, uh, you were, umm…

Nick: Yeah, ok. I’m gonna go talk to one of my other 29 choices right now.

Christen

Christen: I’m just a cute little ol’ chipmunk! Storing nuts in my cheeks all winter!

Nick: That’s not something sexual, is it?

Kristina

You might remember Kristina from her role in Pitch Perfect:

You will also remember Kristina for hitting the bar too much, too early, because she starts off speaking perfect English, but by the time the Rose Ceremony comes around, she’s basically crying in Russian.

Taylor

A psychiatrist from Johns Hopkins. I’m sure she’s crazy smart, but psychiatrists are fuckin’ nuts. They all get into it because they want to figure out their own issues. I dated a psychiatrist once. Once. Run away, Nick; I wouldn’t even wish this upon you. Not to disappoint, Taylor steps out of the limo and tells Nick that all her friends think he’s a piece of shit, and then doubles-down on it during their 1-on-1 time. Well, nice to meet you, too! And when the First Impression Rose comes out, Taylor says, “My heart is in my ass right now.”

What?!

Exactly my expression, Sarah. WHAT is Taylor talking about? She may be cute. She may be a freak in the sack. But, run away, Nick. Run away.

Alexis

Whoa, baby – we got a live one here! I’ll say it right now: she’s a party on wheels and I love her. Let’s visit Alexis at her home in Secaucus, where she’s chillin’ poolside in a little black dress with her dog on a floaty.

It’s like a cover shoot for Peculiar Vogue…

Alexis rolls around in a sumo suit and her friends tell her not to be weird, but does she listen?

I ‘dolphinitely’ can’t wait to talk more inside…

No, she does not listen. And I don’t care what she says, that is ‘dolphinitely’ a shark suit. I’m not alone, because after much debate and an informal vote amongst the ladies, it’s pretty much 29-1 in favor of shark. Undaunted, Sharfin Girl sticks to her story and starts hitting the bar. Hard. And then goes for a swim. And as a reminder, friends, what are the 3 things that get you sent home on night one?

1. Drink too much.
2. Jump in the pool.
3. Wear a costume.

Hat trick, baby. It’s like they’ve never even watched the show…

Like I said, we got a live one, and I honestly have no idea how long she stays. She could be gone tonight. She could win it. Total coin flip.

Vanessa

The special needs teacher from Quebec doesn’t do much this episode, but I feel like I need to mention her, because Nick was digging on her big time, and they almost started making out before she got blocked by Corinne. Vanessa is another potential Final 4 girl.

Corinne

Corinne runs her own multi-million dollar company. Which her dad started. And he hasn’t really retired. And she actually hasn’t taken it over yet, but she will. Some day. Ok – Corinne works for daddy. And she’s exactly the spoiled little brat you’d think she’d be. But she’s in LOVE with Nick, and thinks they’d have cute kids, so nothing’s getting in her way! Look out, we have a bad girl coming! Corinne gives Nick a bag of tokens that he can exchange for all manner of erotic favors, from a free hug to a three-way with her and her nanny. She’s aggressive, and New and Improved or not, Nick has a hard time saying no, so when she interrupts Vanessa to maul Nick’s face, the results are predictable:

And Nick makes out with his first lady at the 1:11 mark. But trust us: he’s older, he’s more mature, he’s looking for a deeper connection…Anyway, everyone hates Corinne and she’s feeling extremely confident now, so basically she’s Nick from 2014. And while she’s retouching her makeup and fixing her hair for the inevitable First Impression Rose that’s coming her way, Nick grabs said rose and gives it straight to…

Rachel

And now Corinne is a very unhappy daddy’s girl. Rachel, on the other hand, is a high profile civil litigator who spends her days dancing with justice and her nights dancing with a vacuum cleaner. Smart girl, and tied with Danielle M as the oldest one there (31). There’s something to be said for maturity, because she and Nick really hit it off during their 1-on-1 time, and Rachel gets the coveted First Impression Rose and a little Trip to the Maul, putting Nick’s 2nd make-out session in the books at the 1:34 mark.

Mmm…you’re out of order, counselor…

The Rose Ceremony

Let’s see…I really like the girl in the red dress…

Holy crap, everyone really did wear red. Next year, everyone shows up in green. Or dresses up as their college mascot. A team of event staff and a cattle dog herd everyone into the Rose room, and the first elimination is off and running.

Congratulations, you can sleep here today!

Rachel has the First Impression Rose

Vanessa – Final 4?

Danielle L – Boobs. Also Final 4

Christen – cheeks

Astrid – purple dress? Didn’t see her much

Corinne – bad girl! Drama! Look out! Final 4

Jasmine G – Neil Lane girl. Crier

Raven – Hoxie, wishes she had a camel

Kristina – stops crying, but still has the accent. Breaks out in song.

Danielle M – homemade maple syrup. Takes care of babies.

Sarah – Did Nick say Sarah? Speak up, dude!

Josephine – freakin’ weird. I think I like her.

Lacey – The camel was pure gold.

Taylor – indirectly called Nick a piece of shit more than once, and he kept her. Is she playing with his mind?

Alexis – Dolphin Girl for the win, baby. Get her a bloody mary, stat.

Hailey – Who?

Quicket? Whitney?  – dude, take the marbles out of your mouth and SPEAK UP.

Dominique –

Jaime – nose ring girl

Brittany – is she the one that gave Nick a prostate exam? That was weird. Kinda dig it, though.

(“Ladies, this is the final rose…and I’m leaving for Mexico…”)

Liz – the Doula who’s here for fame and fortune. Or a seat on Harrison’s plane to Sayulita, Either one’s fine.

The bus is outside ladies…

Angela

Briana

Elizabeth

Ida Marie

Jasmine B

Lauren

Michelle

Olivia

Susannah

It is so BRIGHT out! How long were we in there? Three DAYS?! Are you serious?

And that’s all she wrote for night one. Previews of the most dramatic season ever, and it looks like a good one: boats, seaplanes, helicopters, Freezing Fucking Finland, Backstreet Boys, bisexual pasts, tears, northern lights, a slap in the face, a multi-million dollar company, and one platinum vagina. By the way, Corinne, your boss/dad is watching. You might want to stop advertising your precious metal vajayjay. It was a good start to the season! See ya next week, my friends.

 

And now, on Jimmy Kimmel live, the most awkward interview couch ever!

If I can lean just a little bit further away, it’ll be like I’m not even here…