Happy New Year! The Season of Love is upon us! The air is ripe with the scent of desperation and alcohol, panicked sobs gently fill our ears, and there’s not an ounce of self-esteem in sight. It’s that time of year when I turn in my man card, and turn away from the national championship game to watch a reality dating show. That’s right, my friends; it’s Bachelor Season, and this one’s going to be a doozy.
Are you kidding me? And that’s not even the most ridiculous picture out there in the interworld. There’s all kinds of shit. Like this:
Oooohh, he’s SO deep. Just to clarify, he didn’t have time to put on a shirt or even button his pants, but he did manage to brew a pot of coffee and put his shoes on. And he just stands in the window like that, you know, just thinkin’. Life. Love. The body in his basement. Or there’s this picture:
Ha! I laugh every time I see it. Every. Single. Time. And I’m going to keep putting it up until it stops being funny to me, which will probably be long after everyone else stops laughing, so be prepared to see it all season long.
But alas, I digress. Let’s kick off The Greatest Season Ever as we always do, by meeting our irresponsibly over-served cast of characters. First, some semi-annual house keeping.
The Boy – He’s a lunatic. He literally has no fear. Took him skiing a few weeks ago, he went straight down the mountain at a million miles an hour, and made it to the bottom before I clicked in my boots. He’s 3. Oh yeah, and he never, ever, EVER sleeps.
The Girl – Perfect. Perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect nose, perfect smile, and spends her days saying perfect little things. Even her temper tantrums are perfect. Perfect.
Lovely Better Half – You know, I looked at LBH this morning and wondered how it’s possible, 5 years and 2 kids later, that she is way hotter than the day I met her. And I don’t mean “we have shared experiences and I think she’s a beautiful person”. I mean LBH is straight-up smokin’. I need to start going to the gym, or this really will be the year she trades me in.
The Dog – An 85 pound floor-cleaning machine. Everything the kids drop, she eats. Worth her weight in gold.
The World in General – I don’t know. Did anything happen over the past 4 months? Any news or big changes anywhere? Anything? No? Ok, great. Let’s get started.
There are 30 women this year. Thirty. And to be honest, I’m surprised it’s not 60. THAT’S how desperate The Producers are to find Nick a wife. Because if he crashes and burns for the 4th time, the next show you’re seeing Nick on is American Lockup: When Reality Dreams Become Reality Nightmares. Some stats on the ladies: average age is 26, which again seems a little young to me considering Nick is 36. There’s nothing wrong with dating a woman your age, guys. Average height is 5’5″, and the average number of tattoos is 1.5, though two women have 15 between them, so that number is a little misleading. And everyone still loves The Notebook and Titanic, as well as Step Brothers, oddly enough. Before we dive into the ladies, however, let’s take a stroll back in time and reacquaint ourselves with the man who would become America’s Most Eligible Bachelor.
Name: Nick Viall
Hometown: Milwaukee WI
Tattoos: 3. Andi’s face on chest, Kaitlyn’s face on my right arm, and JoJo’s face on my lower back (I tried to worm my way onto her season, too, but she threatened to quit if The Producers let me on the show). All are getting lasered off, except for Andi, because you always love your first! Oh, and I have a 4th tattoo in my bathing suit area, but I keep that secret. Ok, I’ll tell you! It’s a picture of my mom!
Favorite Movies: So many! Silence of the Lambs, American Psycho, Seven. Forgetting Andi Dorfman – I mean Sarah Marshall. The Twilight Series – I’m Team Edward all the way. And pretty much anything with John Lithgow. I think he’s a great actor, and a strangely handsome man.
What is your most embarrassing moment? You want just one? How about my top 5. 1) Andi making love to me when she wasn’t in love with me, then choosing Josh Murray in the final episode. 2) Kaitlyn making love to me because she was smashed, then immediately regretting it and choosing Ryan Gosling over me. 3) Realizing a few months later that it wasn’t the actual Ryan Gosling that beat me out, but a Ryan Gosling look-alike. I felt even more stupid after that. 4) Josh Murray stealing Amanda from me on BinP just when we starting to hit off. 5) The time my mom walked into the basement and caught me in her underwear, dancing in the mirror to Nine Inch Nails. Awkward!
How would you describe yourself as a lover? Spiteful. Maybe even a little vengeful. I have trouble moving on, and tend to call and text a lot. Send naked polaroids in the mail, stuff like that. At least until the restraining order is filed. (No, Nick. Not after they’ve dumped you; when you’re actually still in the relationship.) Oh, gotcha. Awkward. Mumbly. There’s an almost feminine quality to my love-making. I’m not real big on eye contact, either.
I hate it when my date… talks to Josh Murray.
Jean shorts or half-shirts? Both!
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? This is my 4th time on this show. Are you seriously asking me that?
What are you most afraid of? Josh Murray showing up for the final episode this season.
What does being married mean to you? Never being on the Bachelor again. Maybe having my own spin-off show on the Freeform network.
Yep! Just a little jorts and coffee to kick my day off right…
Man, I’m really going to have fun this season. Anywho, on the with the main event. Say ‘Hello’, ladies!
Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer from Secaucus NJ, 2 tattoos – “Aspiring”? Yeah, I’m an aspiring Spaceship Captain; still haven’t quit my day job. Alexis can’t live without fake eyelashes and whitening strips, her ex told her she had a mustache, and the one thing she is most afraid of, in the entire world, is ET, a fictional alien from a movie that came out 11 years before she was born. You’re not long for this season, Alexis.
Angela, 26, Model from Greenville SC, No tattoos – Another girl that likes dolphins. And, like Alexis, thinks it’s insane that she moved away from home. Is this a millennial thing? Also, Angela likes to lick the popcorn bag, which, I’m surprised to say, doesn’t necessarily turn me off…
Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager from Tampa FL, 2 tattoos – so…you thought filing papers and making follow-up calls would get you free boobs and botox? Got it. Also loves dolphins, so we’re 3 for 3 on that front. She is afraid of getting old and wrinkly and horses freak her out, so we can all look forward to Astrid going horseback riding this season.
Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse from SLC UT, 1 tattoo – No bullshit, she wants to be a dolphin. Was this some kind of bare minimum requirement? Does Nick have a dolphin fetish? Most outrageous thing Briana has ever done was move to Utah. So, apparently every girl this season loves dolphins and thinks moving is CRAZY.
Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse from Santa Monica CA, No tattoos –Totally normal, she’s pretty cute, I got nothing.
Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer from Tulsa OK, 1 tattoo – I didn’t think I would ever say this, but finally, a girl that wants to be a horse. Christen wants to break into the White House, sleep in a storage closet, spy on the President, and, as a videographer, I can only assume she wants to tape the whole thing. It strikes me as a little creepy, until I remember that Nick loves stalking people, too, and maybe these two are a match made in heaven. “What do you want to do tonight, honey? Break into the neighbor’s house and watch them have sex?” “No, we did that last week. Let’s park in Mr. Rivers’ driveway, and just stare at him through the car window. That always freaks him out!” “Great idea!”
Corinne, 24, Business Owner from Miami FL, Unknown number of tattoos, that are all hidden and in the process of being lasered off – “Hidden” can mean different things depending on what you’re wearing. For the sake of argument, we’ll just assume 3 tattoos – mini angel wings on your shoulder blades, a dolphin in your bikini line (dolphins are big this year and she is from Miami…), and a Hindu elephant on the back of your neck, you know, for that “Wisdom” you had when you got the tattoo at the age of 23, only to decide to remove it 12 months later. Your business isn’t tattoo removal by any chance, is it? And you’re seriously lasering all of them? Honey, 24 years old is far too young to have that many regrets.
Danielle L, 27, Small Business Owner from Los Angeles CA, 3 Tattoos – Normal, cute. Started her own business at 23. Probably not afraid of moving out of her parents house.
Danielle M, 31, Neonatal Nurse from Nashville TN, 3 tattoos, 2 of which are being removed – Her fiance passed away, which is rough, and you just know there’s going to be a cringe-worthy scene where The Producers force her to talk about it on national television. I’m already dreading that episode. On a different topic, is the Bachelor turning into an episode of “Tattoo Intervention”? How many tattoo removal stories do people need to read before they realize that getting a Taylor Swift lyric permanently imprinted on their back is a bad idea? Nobody wants their grandchildren asking them what “Shake It Off” means in 50 years. But, man – Danielle M is pretty cute, so…you know…bad judgment can be forgiven…
Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server from Los Angeles, No tattoos – Dominique usually meets guys on Bumble, so I had to look it up (you know you’re old when you have no idea what the hip dating apps are). A dating app where the woman always makes the first move? Ingenious. How could it take this long for something like that to exist? Wants to eat Chipotle with grandpa, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jesus. What do Jesus and Leo talk about? “So what’s it like dating a Victoria’s Secret model? I’ve always wanted to know!”
Elizabeth “Liz”, 29, Doula from Las Vegas NV, 8 tattoos – Eight tattoos, now we’re talking! A doula…in Las Vegas…so telling knocked-up strippers to “PUSH!” is a job now, I guess. Liz picks her nose in the car, gets angry playing golf, and hopes she never has to kill anyone. Group date on a golf course, then?
Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager from Dallas TX, No tattoos – Meets guys on Hinge. Whatever. I seriously hope Lovely Better Half doesn’t trade me in this year, because I don’t know how to be single anymore. Elizabeth suffers from misophonia, which is a fear of certain sounds, like loud chewing, for example. Can you imagine Josh Murray eating a pizza around this girl? She’d have a heart attack.
Hailey, 23, Photographer from Vancouver BC, 7 tattoos – Hates butterflies, being sung to, only children (hey, that hurts…), and making out all the time. Insert yet another Josh Murray joke here.
Ida Marie, 23, Sales Manager from Harlingen TX, 1 tattoo – If Ida could be any animal, “it would be a giraffe, duh! I mean, of course! You think I’d pick something stupid, like a dolphin? Why are those 4 girls giving me dirty looks…?” Ida doesn’t read, and loves Cheetos and pickles. Yum.
Jaimi, 28, Chef from New Orleans LA, 4 tattoos – Jaimi had me at “chef” and “New Orleans”. And then she says that she’d impress a man by bench pressing him with her legs. She calls it “exciting and surprising.” Those might not be the first 2 words I would use if a girl bench pressed me with her legs…
Jasmine B, 25, Flight Attendant from Tacoma WA, 1 tattoo – She’s too nice, likes owls, and cracks her neck.
Jasmine G, 29, Pro Basketball Dancer from San Francisco CA, 2 tattoos – Wants to eat pizza with RuPaul, Dave Chapelle, and Prince. Has tattoos on her wrist and the inside of her lip. Can you pick two more painful places than that? Wow. Jasmine G is afraid of being left in open water alone, so two-on-one date on a boat?
Josephine, 24 Registered Nurse from Santa Cruz CA, No tattoos – She lists her height as 5’7 3/4″. Give me a break. Why not in millimeters? Drives me nuts. Wants to be a lion or a tiger, because they run in packs. Actually, only lions are pack animals; tigers are solitary hunters. Don’t mess with me on my animal knowledge, ladies.
Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist from Lexington KY, No tattoos – Who does Kristina want to be for a day? Her biological mother, because “I’d like to know what she was going through when I was young, and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.” Ouch! Snark level is high with this one. I’m guessing Kristina hasn’t reconciled with mom just yet. On the plus side, sounds like there are some unresolved issues, which should mix well with the open bar.
Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager from Manhattan NY, No tattoos – Lacey gives people too many chances, and her dating fear is that a guy is going on another date after hers. So, this show is perfect for you!
Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate, No tattoos – Wants to be a dolphin (sigh…). I notice she doesn’t list “Lawyer” as her occupation. She graduated law school all right, but Lauren decided to pass on practicing law and dive head-first into the high-stakes world of dental veneer modeling. Sweet. Glad $120k in post-graduate education landed you on a cheesy reality show where you have a 1 in 30 chance of getting an engagement ring and a spread in People magazine. I’m sure your dad never questions that second mortgage he took out to pay your tuition.
Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner from Los Angeles CA, 2 tattoos – I like food trucks.
Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Rep from Anchorage AK, No tattoos – She was the kicker on her high school football team, and her biggest fears are spiders and not being able to find love, in that order.
Rachel, 31, Attorney from Dallas TX, 2 tattoos – The difference between Rachel and Lauren? Rachel passed the bar and practices law, while Lauren puts her degree on her resume to get a slightly better temp job. Lauren needs to either A) marry Nick, or B) pass the fuckin’ bar, and I know which one is better for her long term prospects. As for Rachel, she’s afraid of birds and has “reciprocity” tattooed on her rib cage. Not “habeas corpus”?
Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner from Hoxie AR, No tattoos – Raven can’t cook and wants to be adopted by Jay Z and Beyonce. She likes it when guys leave diamond necklaces on her car. And really, who doesn’t?
Sarah, 26, Grade School Teacher from Newport Beach CA, No tattoos – Which animal would you be? “A Puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird, right?” What??
Susannah, 26, Account Manager from San Diego CA, 3 tattoos – She’s like the 8th girl that wants to be Ariel from Little Mermaid. It’s all dolphins and Ariel this year. And Olivia Pope. Anyway, Susannah’s most embarrassing moment was when she tried to pick up a pen in front of her high school crush and banged her head on the table, and I actually laughed out loud when I read it. People banging their head is just plain funny.
Taylor, 23. Mental Health Counselor from Seattle WA, No tattoos – Taylor loves honesty, Forever 21, and streaking. She also hates it when a guy talks about himself…or asks about her…so…how does that work? Because that’s pretty much what happens on a date.
Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher from Montreal Quebec, No tattoos – Vanessa’s afraid of sharks, bees, and hurting people’s feelings. Well, how do you think sharks and bees feel right now, Vanessa?
Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor from Chanhassen MN, No tattoos – Whitney’s afraid of horses, so she’ll be on that 2-on-1 horseback riding date with Astrid. How much do you enjoy going to the theater? “I like going to the movies, but also fun to rent them at home.” (slowly shaking my head right now….)
And I think that’s the perfect way to end our little preview! Thirty women, 30 chances at love. If Nick can’t pull this off, he will literally die alone. We’re only 24 hours away, and the anticipation is running high! See you tomorrow night, my friends…