Who finds love? Who goes home brokenhearted? Who inexplicably gets to choose from 25 women? And who gets a paid appearance at Chile’s? Let’s find out tonight on Bachelor in Paradise!

We’re in Paradise!

Just renewed for Season Four

Just like Paradise!

Jorge has so many drinks to pour

ABC will pay Chris Harrison’s asking price

Thanks, Mike Fleiss!

The Morning After

And, how is everyone feeling after a long night of making sweet, sweet “conversation”?

Carly: I love you!

Evan: Want to hear me rap?

Carly: No.

Evan: Seriously, I can rap.

Carly Don’t even start…

Evan: I’m gonna do it.

Carly: Oh god.

Grant: I’m not sure about this. I feel like there’s all these little things you talk about before you get engaged that we haven’t discussed. A tattoo is one thing. But engaged? That shit’s forever!

Lace: My god, Grant. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning and I’m already on my first drink and I’m crying and TATTOOS ARE FOREVER TOO, YOU IDIOT!

Jen: It was wonderful. I definitely see a proposal at the end of this.

Nick: I see 25 women stepping out of limos.

Amanda: I love Josh!

Josh: I LOVE Amanda! MMMM! But, kids and shit….mmmm…

Anyone else think it’s funny that Amanda is in full makeup and Josh has his watch on? Like he needs to check the time? “Last night was great, baby. Whoa! Look at the time! Gotta go!”

Voiceovers and Ring Shopping With Neil Lane

Evan – umm, he picks a ring. I got nothing.

Grant – He’s very confused, thinks things are moving too fast, and that maybe he and Lace should wait to get engaged. Meanwhile, Lace is trying on different pieces of jewelry to cover up her “Grace” tattoo.

Shit, still too small! I’m gonna have to wear Wonder Woman cuff bracelets for the rest of my life…

Nick – “I need to be 100% sure if I’m going to propose again. Actually, I was 100% sure with the last two girls, so maybe 110% sure this time. That’s mathematically impossible? Oh well, there’s always The Bachelor.

Josh – he’s nervous about Amanda having kids. I mean, he loves kids and all. They just make him really nervous. Then Neil Lane says he has three rings for Josh to choose from, and I realize that the girls are screening these choices WAY beforehand, otherwise they’ll end up with a Power Ranger ring.

Proposal Time

It’s time to put a bow on a love story 6 weeks in the making. First up: Evan and Carly. Not a lot of small talk from Chris Harrison.

CH: Hey, Carly. Beach is that way.

Carly: I’m feeling so ner-

CH: NoNoNo…No talking. I want to wrap this up, so…beach is that way.

Evan: Paradise is epic. Twists and turns. Hospital visit was a highlight (?). Mindblowing. Am I crying? My heart beats to your soul.

Carly: You’re fearless. I’d die for you. I love you so much.

Evan: Carly, will you freaking marry me?

Carly: Yes!

And holy cow, it’s getting a little dusty in here. That’s the best Bachelor proposal I’ve ever seen, and I’m a little glad no one’s around to see me react like this.

Evan: You embraced my weird.

Carly: You make me feel beautiful, inside and out, and I’ve never felt like that before.

Alright, I’ll admit it. I was pretty hard on this couple all season, but I’ve come full circle on Evan and Carly. They work. And the show worked for them. If Carly had met Evan in any other way, she never would have been forced to give him the 2nd (and 3rd and 4th) chances she needed to fall in love with him. The Bachelor delivered on it’s promise, and now Evan and Carly are like the best couple ever. Can we just end tonight’s episode now? Unfortunately, not.

Grant & Lace

Lace: I’m freaking out!

Chris Harrison: Yeah? Anything to do with that ridiculous tattoo on your wrist? How high were you? Beach is that way…

Lace: Handsome, witty, thoughtful. I’m tired of running. Think I’ll go home now. Life is like a box of chocolates. Love you. Love Grace more. Still not sure the tattoos were a good idea.

Grant: Unsure. Need time for answers. Be myself. But no way I would not want to spend my life with you (double negative – very sloppy, Grant). I love you when you’re screaming at me (I call BS. I don’t love anyone when they’re screaming at me. I don’t love my KIDS when  they’re screaming at me). I don’t want to get this lasered off. Will you marry me?

Lace: Yes!

Nick & Jen

Alright, big guy. Pretend you’re Andi, pretend you’re Kaitlyn. Beeee rejection, be-ee rejection…

Jen: Chemistry. Intense. Special. Feel comfortable. Guard up. Vulnerable. I’ve fallen in love. Will you catch me?

Nick: No.

(That was the gist of it, anyways. Here’s the mash-up/summary)

Nick: [starts crying] Hopeful. Ready to leave. Saw a chance for something. Better person today. I’m an ugly crier. Can’t say I’m in love. You deserve better than me. Something’s telling me to say goodbye. I think it’s Mike Fleiss. Can I walk you out?

And that’s it for Jen and Nick. He let her run through her whole speech, too; what a dick. I don’t care if they did offer him The Bachelor, this was a bad trade. I know I said I was boycotting After Paradise, but did you see that dress Jen was wearing?

Holy cow – what a rock star. There’s no chance Nick lands someone better looking than Jen, no matter how many emotionally damaged basket-cases they throw at him. I will say that Nick’s monologue in the back of the van has me all kinds of fired up for next season, though. There is going to be so much material, it might take me 3 days just to type the recaps.

Josh & Amanda

Amanda: Hi Chris! I’m so excited right now! I can’t wait to-

Chris Harrison: Yeah, I’m excited, too…to wrap this shit up. Beach is that way…

Amanda: No expectations. Didn’t think this would work. Not sure why I’m here. Daughters. Hopeful. Lucky. Real life.

Josh: MMMM. Sweet. Optimistic outside, but scared inside. True love. Big baby. So blessed. So sweaty. MMMM. Will you marry me?

Amanda: Yes!

Man, that dude is sweaty. He looks like he just did the ALS ice bucket challenge.

And that’s it for this season of Bachelor in Paradise. Congratulations to our 3 couples, I can’t wait to see where they go from here. Actually, I could care less, because Jorge and I booked a private plane to Thailand for a post-production party of Bacchanalian proportions. I’m drinking until my vision is blurry and my face is numb. Hey, Jorge! Grab your bags and four bottles of Patron! We’re wheels-up in 30 minutes!

Bonus Contestant Updates! Daniel, The Twins, and Ashley are still single. Chad will never be Bachelor. Caila dumped Jared (surprise…). Lace moved to SF, Josh moved to OC, and Carly moved in with Evan, so these three couples actually seem to be working out. Right on for them. Oh yeah – and how is Vinny getting along these days?

Fuckin’ A Right. The best revenge is living well, and brother, you are L-I-V-I-N.

That’s all she wrote for Season 3. I’m fired up for a renewed Season 4. Fired up for Nick the Bachelor. As always, endless thanks for coming along for the ride. If you all had half as much fun reading it as I had writing it, I’m a happy man. See ya next season!

 

And now, Jorge loves to see love….