Yeah, I know, I’m late, but believe it or not, I have a life outside this, and it was obscenely busy this week. My apologies – let’s roll.
When we last left the group, Corinne, Queen of the Nymphs, was holding court with Nick in the Inflatable Citadel of Whore-istan. The girls are not happy, particularly Vanessa, who threatens to leave while Nick works desperately to avoid eye contact.
I’m sorry, Vanessa, but I can’t look at you when you act so self-confident. Is there any way you can, you know, be a little more needy?
While Nick prepares for the Rose Ceremony, Sarah and Taylor stage an intervention, and try to get Corinne to wake up and realize that she’s an asshole. But they say it more nicely; they call it “acting privileged”. Corinne does what privileged people normally do when you call them out and gets super offended: “I am not privileged in any way, shape, or form!”
I can’t believe the other girls called me privileged! Do you know how hard I had to work to get where I am? First, I had to be born in a family where my daddy started a successful company. And then, I had to whine and whine and whine until daddy ‘put me in charge’. I pouted for SO long, that I pulled a muscle in my lower lip. It was really sore! And daddy actually made me do a pretend interview, with real questions and everything. Raquel kept me up ALL night practicing my answers. ‘Yes, I promise to work 3 days a week’, ‘I handle conflict by saying something bitchy and then taking a nap’, ‘My biggest strength is my platinum vagina’. It was a lot of work! I’m like a self-made woman…
Yup, you’re a real bootstrapper, sweetheart…
Corinne is, like, WEIRD. Come to think of it, everyone is kinda’ weird around here. What the hell’s wrong with y’all?
More and more, I’m thinking Raven is the only normal person in the house. Chris Harrison tells Nick that Corinne has been rubbing the other girls the wrong way. And Nick says, “Yeah, but she’s rubbing me in all the right ways! Get it? Yeah! ALLLL the right ways, Chris! Get it?!” Yeah, Nick; we get it.
Danielle L, Vanessa, and Rachel are all rosed-up. Joining them:
Raven – y’all so, so, so crazy…
Taylor – I’m a therapist, and I’m supposed to solve problems with words, but Ima smack Corinne
Whitney – 3rd week in a row that I can’t understand what Nick says here. Does he just have trouble with W’s?
Kristina – In Russia, we send Corinne to gulag.
Jasmine – pretty sure she wants to take a swing at Corinne, too
Alexis – Thank you for blessing me with one more week of Dolphin Girl
Astrid – I got nothing
Danielle M – boring
Jaimi – because Nick’s holding out for the potential 2-on-1 date threesome
Josephine – please don’t sing, please don’t sing…
Sarah – very cute, seems normal, whatever
(“ladies, this is the Final Rose”)
Corinne – which is a popular choice with the group:
I can’t tell if Josephine is surprised by the pick. or legitimately concerned for Corinne’s safety…
Dominique was sent home during the Group Date
Christen – “But, but, but…I warned you about Liz! Doesn’t that count for something?” No, Christen, no it doesn’t.
Brittany – melts down, and now she understands why the other girls cry. Don’t worry, Britt, you’re gonna be JUST fine. And there are much better guys for you out there.
Corinne makes a speech to get under the other girls’ skin, and she’s just so clueless and stupid that she’s not even good at being bitchy. I’ve seriously run out of things to say about her. I might institute a ban on Corinne-related content for the rest of the season.
Pack Your Bags For Our First Exotic Location!
Ooh, where are we going?! The Caribbean? Europe? Southeast Asia? Where?! WAUKESHA! Wau…kesha? Umm….yay…?
This is literally the most exciting thing to do in Nick’s home town.
Welcome to scenic Waukesha, and I feel like we’ve been here before. A couple times. Let’s catch up with Mom and Dad, shall we?
I just really hope it works out this time. Really, REALLY hope. After Kaitlyn’s season, things got so…dark, and I don’t know what Nick would do if he was [sob!] rejected again. But Chris Harrison has assured me that, if it doesn’t work out, he has people in place that can protect Nick from himself. And from others. So, yeah, we’re hopeful…
Nick has lunch with his parents and everyone cries. This is fun. Mom is worried Nick has been single for so long (“come on, Mom, not in front of the camera! Sheesh…”), that he doesn’t actually know how to be happy anymore. That’s an encouraging little insight for the future Mrs. Viall. Dad just doesn’t want him to be on the show again, happy or not. Nick dries his tears and meets the girls, and I think Alexis has already had a bloody mary or three.
Fuck it – Nick who? Let’s party! WHOOOOOO!!
First 1-on-1 date starts now! And the lucky girl is Danielle L! What are we doing today, Nick?
Danielle 1-on-1 – Ummm…You Wanna Walk Around While I Play Pocket Pool?
Bro, you can’t play with your junk while you’re on a date. Take care of that shit BEFORE you leave the house…
Seriously though, Nick: get your hand out of your pants. It’s weird. They walk around. They see the place where Nick first got dumped. Is this an ongoing thing now that Ben spent an entire season obsessing about that movie theater in high school? Every Bachelor has to go to the spot of their first heartbreak? Anyways, Danielle and Nick make cookies. They have a Frosting Maul. And then they randomly run into an ex-girlfriend, which wasn’t set-up ahead of time – at all – in an effort to show America that Nick has had at least ONE positive relationship in the past. The Producers are really trying to sell this guy.
They paid me so much money to be here. SO much. I just paid off my mortgage. Plus, the restraining order is about to expire, so I need him fixated on someone else, fast…
Hi Amber! Danielle asks questions, and Amber says things like “heart-driven” and “he has to be in it” while desperately blinking her eyes in Morse code, “Get out while you can.” Then Nick and Danielle thank Amber for her time, and maul each other on a grassy knoll.
It’s night time, and apparently that’s the right time to bring the girls out.
Keep your eyes up, Nick…
Nick’s drunk again. “When was the la-la-last time you went groshey shoppin in…in…shweat paaaannts…” Whatever. Danielle’s parents were divorced, and much emoting ensues. Nick’s one of those guys that always wants to talk about feelings and get inside your head. At some point, don’t you just want to laugh and have a good time? Lighten the mood a little. Rose and a maul for Danielle and then a Chris Lane concert, which is a bucket list item for Nick? Climb Kilimanjaro, learn to fly a plane, see the Northern Lights, and go to a Chris Lane concert. Gotcha – check that box, buddy, and make out in front of your adoring fans.
Lean back a little, I can’t see your boobs with your face in the way…
Group Date – Say Cheese
Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josie, Danielle M, and Corinne – Let’s all go to a farm and do farm chores. Milk a cow, shovel crap, etc. Corinne hates it and would rather be at a spa eating tacos. No shit, that sounds awesome. I always thought spa days were for women, but no one told me tacos were involved. Count me in next time, baby! Anyway, Corinne runs away, because she is the female Nick after all, and everyone else complains a lot.
Hey, are all nipples this big?
Later that night, Nick and the ladies gather…somewhere, and they all draw numbers and wait in line to make out with Nick. Kristina wants to tell him about her past, and Nick wants to hear all about it. Just not tonight.
No, I’m interested. Really. Just tell me later…
Corinne is tired of being looked down upon. She’s smarter than she looks, and proves it by telling us a corn analogy.
I’m like an ear of corn, with like an outside that you have to peel. And then the inside has all these kernels, and they’re like yellow and buttery…hmmm. RAQUEL! GO MAKE ME SOME CORN!
What’s up with her face, by the way? Scares me. But Corinne’s had enough! Enough, I tell you! And she’s going to confront the group, and tell them to come to her directly with their problems. Ok. “You’re rude. You’re entitled. You’re immature and you’re not ready to marry a 36 year old man, even if it is only Nick. You don’t participate in group dates. You slept through a Rose Ceremony. You have a nanny. You can’t take care of yourself. And despite what you think, you do NOT run a multi-million dollar company.” And suddenly, Corinne has had enough of girls coming to her with their problems. So she goes to Nick.
Corinne: And so, like, I was all ‘They’re talking about me’, and they were all like whispering behind my back and stuff, and so I was all ‘If you have a problem, you talk to me to my face. So there!’ and they were all like ‘ok..’
Nick: That’s very mature of you Corinne.
Corinne: I know, it’s like TOTALLY mature!
Nick: You acted like a big girl today, you should be very proud of yourself. Wanna make out?
And that’s it for that installment of drama. Group Date Rose goes to Kristina, for opening up…her mouth for Nick’s tongue, I guess.
Raven 1-on-1 Date – Let’s Kick It
Off to Bella’s soccer game. Poor Bella has been on this show almost as much as Nick. And I forgot that Nick is one of 11 kids. Eleven! I have two and I’m ready to lose my mind. Can you imagine having 10 kids and thinking, “You know what I really need right now? Another diaper to change. That would make everything perfect.” Let’s meet the parents.
Dad: Hello there! How you doin’? Raven – that’s s cool name. You like soccer? What about guys with beards and ‘experience’? ‘Cos, you know the missus and I have what’s called an ‘open relationship’…
Raven: Why are y’all so weird? Is there a Producer around here I can talk to?
Next is the roller rink. Bella and Raven talk, and Nick and Raven maul in the flattering glow of the black light.
Nighttime, and Nick and Raven share their stories of cheating ex’s and HOLY COW, RAVEN IS AMAZE-BALLS.
Raven: I got a call from my friend that he was kissing another woman and so I went to his house. I went to the bedroom but the door was locked, so I kicked it in, fast like a spider monkey. And I’ll just say this: I know what her vagina looks like; he was thrusting her. So I grabbed her stiletto and started beating him with it!
Nick: I’m so sorry for you.
Raven: No, it was great! I’m just glad I didn’t marry him. What did you do when you found out your ex was cheating?
Nick: [looking sheepish] Um, I cried a lot. I said I was sorry, and begged her to give me another chance, that she could still sleep with the other guy if she wanted to. Then I locked myself in the basement for 3 months and made a shrine for her.
Raven: Y’all are so weird…
Love Raven. LOVE Raven. I want a spin-off show, “Alexis and Raven’s Road Trip Across America”, and I just want to watch them go crazy. Rose for Raven and a Museum Maul.
He’s not gonna stalk me if I kiss him, right?
Cocktail Party In A Barn
Corinne and Josephine stuff their faces like they’ve been lost in the woods for week, all the while bitching about Taylor for some reason. A sense a confrontation building. Sure enough, Taylor tries to therapy-splain ’emotional intelligence’ to Corinne while Corinne says ‘multi-million dollar company’ about 18 times. As much as I can’t stand Corinne, Taylor grates on me, too. I mentioned before that I’ve dated a therapist, and this is exactly what every argument is like. They always get high and mighty and start analyzing you and explaining your own thoughts to you, and you can’t even imagine how annoying it is. The combined douche-factor in this segment is very high. Corinne sums it up eloquently:
I can’t even. I literally can’t even.
Exactly. Next week, Corinne is attacked emotionally! Is that anything like ‘farm chores’ or ‘planned dancing’? I guess we’ll find out. See you then, my friends!
And now, Alexis is scared of aliens and Nicolas Cage. Just, wow.