Bachelor Nick Week 5 – Girls Like Taylor Are Why I Stopped Dating Therapists

Look, Corinne is a spoiled little brat, but how annoying and pretentious did Taylor turn out to be? My god. If I never hear “emotional intelligence” again, it’ll be too soon. Taylor needs to get over herself, and quick, or she’s going to be “emotionally single” for the rest of her life. Let’s get on with it…

Previously, on the Bachelor! Corinne doesn’t like being talked down to and Taylor thinks Corinne has a plethora of issues.

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What is a ‘plethora’? Because I would not like to think that a person would tell someone she has a plethora and find out that that person has no idea what it means TO HAVE A PLETHORA!

Lot’s of yelling by the fire, and then Nanny Raquel secretly passes a note to Corinne, telling her to flip the script and say that everyone in the house hates Taylor. A totally ridiculous tactic that would never work on any normal person, except that Taylor is a psychiatrist, and remember: psychiatrists are all crazy people who study psychiatry to figure out what’s wrong with themselves, so Raquel/Corinne’s stupid little head fake? It works.

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That’s ridiculous! No one hates me. You can’t hate someone who’s so emotionally intelligent; I’m too perceptive to allow it. And I would know if the other girls didn’t like me…right? I mean, Josephine’s emotive engagement has been abnormally low for a couple days, but…it’s probably nothing. Right? I mean…do people really not like me?

And Taylor is officially mind-fucked. Corinne thanks Raquel for the idea and then tells her to go make her a salad while she talks to Nick.

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Corinne: I want you to know that like Taylor is totes not here for the right reasons, and I just called her out on it. Wasn’t that mature? Just like a big girl?

Nick: Very mature, Corinne. Let’s make out.

Corinne: Yay! How’s that for emotional intelligence, bitch!

Nick: Shhhhh…less talking, more kissing…

Rose Ceremony

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Man, that looks like the coldest place on earth. And someone couldn’t lend a coat to poor Sarah? She’s getting hypothermia. Chris Harrison and Nick check in with each other before the ceremony.

CH: So, Nick. There’s been a lot of friction between some of the ladies this week.

Nick: Yeah, but I’m less concerned how they deal with each other than how they deal with me. These are mature women-

And then he babbles some more, but I don’t hear it because I fell out of my chair from laughing so hard. Rose time. Nick stares at the floor and rambles on forever about love and journeys and some other stuff, and you can literally see poor Sarah’s breath.

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Can you hurry this shit up, please? I’m DYING here…

Danielle L, Kristina, and Raven are already moving on. Joining them:

Whitney – Nope. Still can’t hear Nick when he says her name. And to be honest, I don’t really know anything about her. Does she speak?

Danielle M – There’s no way she makes the Final Four, right?

Jasmine – Dancer. Likes dancing, I guess.

Rachel – who says you have less and less of a chance of moving on with each girl that gets a rose. No, Rachel, you don’t. It’s still 13 out of 15 no matter what order he calls it out.

Jaimi – I’m telling you, Nick’s holding out for a threesome.

Josephine – and she looks legit surprised to get a rose. Did I miss footage from last week where she kneed Nick in the crotch or something? She’s very surprised.

Vanessa – I have a suspicion she’s over Nick, but she’s holding out for Bachelorette.

Alexis – Shots!

Corinne – Yes, I’ll accept this rose! Can I take a nap now?

Taylor –

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Fuck you! Fuck you for being here! You fucking suck! RAQUEL! WHERE’S MY SALAD?! And turn my bed down, I’m ready for a nap!

Which means it’s aloha (and not the ‘hello’ kind) to Astrid and her Boobs o’ Plenty and Sarah, and I’m bummed to see Sarah go. She was really pretty and really normal and she was really cold in that barn; I feel like she should have gotten another week out of it. Don’t be too broken up, Sarah – no dust is gonna settle on you, you’ll be alright.

Hello, New Orleans!

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umm, no thanks…

Seriously, I love the city of New Orleans, but there isn’t enough money in the world to get me near an alligator. No. Way. Shop, wander, masks, and then to the hotel to meet Chris Harrison, who shows up hung over, wearing someone else’s sport coat.

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Man, Jorge and I lit it up like Fourth of July last night. Who’s coat is this? Whatever, there’s a 1-on-1, a group date, and a 2-on-1. You guys go nuts; I’m gonna go yak in the sink and then bail Jorge out of jail.

First date card!

Rachel 1-on-1 – Where Have You Beignet All My Life?

Another walk-around date. Markets, masks, eating hot sauce and mauling each other, Cafe du Monde (yum…), dancing with a street band, and oysters.

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Yeah…if you get grossed out swallowing an oyster, we might have a problem…

It’s after dark, and dinner is in a warehouse full of Mardi Gras floats. Rachel opens up about her family (dad’s a federal judge and he’s not nice) and being in New Orleans for a funeral, and how it gave her a renewed appreciation for life. Nick talks about Andi and Kaitlyn. AGAIN.

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Mm-hmmm…quick question: this is about the hundredth time you’ve brought up Andi and Kaitlyn this season. Are you sure you’ve moved on? Like, positive?

Rachel is  feeling vulnerable. Nick is super-into Rachel. Rose and a Parade-Float-Maul to end the evening.

Group Date – ‘Til Death Do Us Part

Josie, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L all go to a haunted house, which leaves Taylor and Corinne for the Rumble in the Jungle. And that side story is WAY more interesting than this Group Date. Maybe  I just don’t get haunted houses, but the whole segment put me to sleep. Quick summary: everyone pounds mint juleps from noon to 9pm, no one eats, then they get out the Ouija board.

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Nick: Will Andi ever find it in her heart to take me back?

Josephine: It moved to ‘No’. Like, really fast…

Nick: Ok. Will I find everlasting love on The Bachelor?

Josephine: It’s stuck on ‘No’. Wow! I can’t even move it! It’s like someone glued it to the board!

The lights go out, shit flies off the walls, and I’m officially bored. So, let’s check in with Corinne as she prepares for her showdown with Taylor.

An eye mask, followed by a light meal of french fries, steak, and hot wings. That’s how champions are made, right there…

Back at the house, more stuff falls and Vanessa and Danielle talk to a mirror.

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Danielle M: The light is flickering! I think Mae is here…

Vanessa: Mae, will we be safe at the rose ceremony?

Danielle M: It’s flickering a little faster. Does that mean ‘yes’?

This is so stupid. Nick makes out with Danielle M, mostly because they can’t think of anything to talk about, and she gets the Group Date rose. And this date is mercifully over.

Taylor vs Corinne – Meet Me in the Bayou

Now, this is frightening. Because gators are a million times more scary than a stupid house. Let’s get some pre-game bantor from the ladies:

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I mean, like, there’s all kinds of different intelligence, and like I’m smart in a different way. Taylor is analytical and calculated. And, ummm…I like colors!

20170130_213643 Emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence, masters degree, EQ, clinical psychology, emotional intelligence…have I mentioned emotional intelligence yet? Because emotional intelligence.

Our intrepid crew is whisked away to the site of their date by the King of the Bayou, and he is absolutely NOT fucking around:

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I promise you that guy has killed an alligator with his bare hands. Nick and the ladies start walking through the woods, and does anyone else notice that Mr. King stays in the boat? I don’t know where everyone’s supposed to be going, but if that guy stays in the boat, I stay in the boat. So, basically, they wander through the woods to get a Tarot reading, like there’s not a thousand places on Bourbon Street you can go for a Tarot reading, that DON’T HAVE ALLIGATORS. Whatever. Let’s look at some cards.

Taylor reading; Corinne and Nick talk

Tarot lady to Taylor: You’re deeply in touch with you feelings. [Taylor looks smug] There’s something nasty around you. Don’t engage with it. [Taylor continues to look smug]

Meanwhile:

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Corinne: And then Taylor told me I was stupid.

Nick: How did that make you feel?

Corinne: ummm….stupid?

Nick: [sigh] You want to make out?

Corinne reading; Taylor and Nick talk

Nick: So, Corinne told me that she felt bullied.

Taylor: I didn’t bully her. I simply tried to explain emotional intelligence to her, because emotional intelligence is very important Nick. In fact, emotional intelligence is the key to a lasting relationship, and I am very emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence. You want to make out?

Nick: Not anymore…

 

Tarot Lady: Your mouth can get you in trouble –

Corinne: Yeah, no shit. How do I make a voodoo doll for someone specific?

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You people are crazy…

It’s the moment of truth, and everyone and their mother knows who’s getting this rose except for Taylor, who still thinks “Nick is smart.” Yeah, maybe; but he’s also thinking with his dick, and that trumps logic every single time. So, Nick stares at the table, mumbles a bunch of barely audible crap, and hands the 2-on-1 Rose to Corinne.

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Corinne: Enough hugging, Nick! Let’s get out of here and leave her for the gators!

And, as with every 2-on-1 date, Taylor is left behind to find her way back to civilization. But, she’s not done fighting yet.

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I’m emotionally intuitive, I’m aware, and I’m not going home without speaking my piece.

And so, her soul fortified by Cajun Voodoo, Taylor fights and claws her way through gator-infested swampland, just in time to interrupt Nick and Corinne’s romantic dinner.

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Taylor: Hey guys!

Corinne: What is she doing here? But, but…you’re supposed to be dead!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next week: Taylor talks, Corinne walks, and Nick cries. Like a giant, slurring, bearded baby. See ya then, my friends…

 

And now, Alexis confronts her irrational fear of Nicolas Cage.

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