You want a recap? Lucas is a jackass. The end. We all know The Producers are forcing Rachel to keep him around just to piss everyone off. We all know it’s a stupid gag that’s going to last 2 seconds in social media time. And we all know he’ll end up on Bachelor in Paradise, because guys like Lucas are purpose-built for open bars and pushing buttons. But it’s still annoying, and I was literally cringing by the end of the episode.

But that’s the short version. You want the full deal, strap in and hold on tight, my friends, because the Premier of the Most Dramatic Season in Bachelorette History starts….RIGHT NOW!

Hi, I’m Chris Harrison, and I’m here to read a few token remarks off a cue card before I head back to my trailer and binge-watch Game of Thrones, while 31 men spend the next 12 hours drinking, arguing, and crawling over each other to the point of exhaustion, just so they won’t have to tell their friends and family they got sent home in Week 1. Enjoy!

Thank god he introduced himself, because I was just about to ask why the Who Wants to be a Millionaire guy is here. Let’s meet Rachel. She’s sweet, sour, sassy, and classy. And she’s a lawyer, as demonstrated by actual courtroom footage obtained by ABC.

Totally real…

Next, let’s re-live Rachel’s journey and why is Nick Viall on my screen right now? We had an agreement, ABC: Nick gets to finally find love on his fourth try, and I don’t have to look at him anymore. That was the deal, you need to stick to it. After 2 minutes of closing my eyes, covering my ears, and shouting “LALALALALA!”, Rachel and her dog fly to Los Angeles.

Rachel: Are you excited to help me find love, Copper?

Copper the Dog: Sure. But there’s gonna be 31 bitches for me too, right?

Then Rachel hops in her Tesla and heads to Bachelorette Mansion. Remember when Desiree got a Bentley convertible? I get that Tesla is the hot new thing now, but come on – give me the Bentley any day. Anywho, time to get some advice from the girlfriends, and all the usual suspects from Nick’s season are there: Corinne, Russian Kristina, Raven, Chokey Jasmine, Astrid, the Tall Chick That Never Talked, and of course, Dolphin Girl!

10am, drink in hand, ready to rock. I’ve missed you, Alexis…

One notable absence in this group: anyone who’s actually been Bachelorette. Was there a former Bachelorette strike I didn’t read about? You’re telling me Desiree and Andi aren’t still vying for airtime? But, there’s much love and many hugs in the room, though the ladies are awfully confident about their words of wisdom, considering NONE of them have been in Rachel’s shoes or have any clue what they’re talking about. Enough preamble; it’s time to…

Bring in the Clowns

Before the limos arrive, let’s take a closer look at a few of the guys looking to find everlasting love with Rachel, or barring that, an easy hookup with whoever shows up in Sayulita this summer. First up, Kenny is a professional wrestler and a fulltime dad.

Man, it is hard work going face-to-crotch with a bunch of dudes all day.

Jack Stone! Attorney by day, lone-wolf dealer of street justice by night, with teeth as white as the purest ivory.

Look into my mouth, and be dazzled by the blinding light of the law…

And then we get to meet Lucas. Whaboom guy. From Woodside. Why does he have to be from the Bay Area?

WHHAAAAAAA-YOU’RE GONNA BE SICK ME BY THE TIME I’M SENT HOME-BOOM!

Blake. This fucking guy.

He’s a personal trainer?

Talks a lot about sex. How good he is in bed. the ‘amazingness of his penis’ – and that’s his quote, not something I just made up. Any guy that talks this glowingly about their own junk is compensating for something, and it’s guaranteed to end in disappointment. This is the same guy that got a ‘D’ tattoo for his dog. Probably has a ‘P’ tattooed on his johnson; the only question is whether it’s capital or lower case, if you catch my drift.

Josiah’s older brother committed suicide when he was a kid, and he ended up spiraling and getting arrested for robbery as a teenager. The court took mercy and he turned his life around, now he’s a prosecuting attorney. Amazing story. Lovely Better Half is pretty much bawling at this point and I think she’s picked her favorite for the season.

Limos, limos, limos, and then the marathon cocktail party begins. Standouts from the evening:

Josiah loves him some lawyer humor. “There’s no reasonable doubt! See ya later, litigator!” Blech. That kind of witty repartee gets old fast. Josiah is very confident though. He’s the first one to pull her aside and he’s convinced the First Impression Rose is his. I don’t think he realizes it goes to the guy that makes the best impression, not just the first guy to talk to her.

DeMario – if you think Josiah is confident, DeMario takes it to another level. It pretty much devolves into a dick measuring contest with these two, to see who can call Rachel “my wife” the most times. Which is great, since neither one of them get First Impression.

Dean is the guy from After the Final Rose that made the “go black, never go back” joke, and he’s nervous about how it went over. Rachel says she’s cool with it. The other guys, though?

Yeah, maybe not so much….

Dean brings a portable sand castle and he’s just kind of awkward and goofy. Lovely Better Half is more blunt: “No. He’s just a no. I couldn’t do it.”

Adam brings a creepy doll called ‘Little AJ’, and it’s really fucking weird. I keep waiting for this thing to reanimate and start hacking people with an axe. Rachel has similar concerns:

Rachel: Is he always going to be around?

Adam: No, no, of course not! Don’t worry! Not always. Just dinners, family holidays, maybe the occasional threesome (wink, wink). But the rest of the time he just sleeps in the shower.

Rachel: Are you kidding?

Adam: No. I mean…yes?

Speaking of creepy, Jonathon makes Rachel close her eyes and he tickles her. And then he looks at Rachel like he’s sizing her up to see if she’ll fit in his fridge or not.

Hmmm….maybe if I put her in the deep freezer in the garage…

Bryan is Colombian. When Bryan speaks, flamenco music gently wafts through the air. Bryan es muy peligroso. Rachel quiere mucho el peligro. In fact, she wants the trouble so badly, that she starts mauling Bryan at the one hour mark. Not positive, but I think Josiah and DeMario might be arguing over second place.

That didn’t take long….

Moving on to the drunk portion of the evening, poor Mohit was ill prepared for the rigors of a 12 round heavyweight fight with an open bar. Matt shows up in a penguin suit, looking like he just got off a three-day bender in Vegas.

So, there was this guy, in fornt, in front of Caesars in this suit, and I said “bro I’ll give you a thousand dollars for the penguin suit” and he said “it’s a puffin” and I said “dude I don’t CARE just give me the suit” and I paid him and here I am. I don’t smell like puke, do I?

But at least Matt tried to be funny. Jedidiah just shows up faced, creepy, possessed, or some combo of the three. And what’s up with this hug? He’s holding on to Rachel for dear life:

Please don’t let me go. I can’t stand on my own. Can we sidestep towards the bar?

Blake E, of the Exceptional Penis, arrives with a marching band and gives Rachel a drumstick.

This is a metaphor for our love making. It’s a stick. Get it? It’s like my penis? Plus, there’s going to be 40 other people in the room playing music, because I like an audience when I express my love in physical form. Is that going to be a problem?

And then there’s Lucas. With his megaphone, and his sleeveless t-shirt + sportcoat combo, and his one testicle smaller than the other, drinking and whabooming all over the house. Blake is very offended. Very offended indeed. Lucas isn’t here for the right reasons, and Blake is going to set him straight and we officially have our first confrontation. This season’s moving fast.

Blake: I don’t think you’re here for Rachel.

Lucas: Well, what’re YOU here for?

Blake: I’m here to find love, to merge my masculine with Rachel’s feminine in divine passion, and bring forth my seed from my amazing penis into her fertile womb, thus completing the circle of life.

Lucas: [blinks] Bro. It’s night one. Lighten up and have drink.

Blake: You’re so disrespectful to the group.

Lucas: WHAAABOOOOOOOOM!!!

You know, Lucas doesn’t bother me as much after this conversation. In fact, I think I might want to buy a megaphone and invent a catchphrase. GET SOME! BINGO! THAR SHE BLOWS! I’ll work on it…

First Impression Rose

This is the big one. Like I said yesterday, over half of all First Impression winners make the Final Four. DeMario and Josiah straighten their ties and patiently wait for their names to be called, while Rachel hands the Rose to Bryan as the romantic sound of Spanish guitars fills the room. Surprised faces all around. In fact, Mohit is so shocked, he switches to water.

Make sure you’re sitting down Mohit, because what comes next is gonna make you quit drinking for life.

Nooooooooo!

That’s right, Round Two of Mauling Faces. Mama likey the danger! Thankfully, Chris Harrison pulls Bryan’s tongue out of Rachel’s mouth before Mohit has a heart attack, because it’s finally time for….

The Rose Ceremony

Wake up guys! Mercifully, Chris Harrison has decreed the End of the Longest Night. So, line up, let’s get it over with.

You Passed!

Bryan = First Impression Rose

Peter

Will

Jack Stone! and his gaze of steel

Jamey

Iggy

Eric

DeMario

Jonathon – ‘cos you want some weird guy tickling everyone?

Bryce – “with honor.” Just stop.

Alex

Kenny

Dean – LBH: “Why? Just no. Send him home. He’s not right.”

Matt – chicks dig penguins

Anthony

Brady

Josiah

Lee

Diggy

Fred – who apparently was a really bad guy…in 3rd grade. Literally looking for drama wherever they can find it.

Adam – but just Adam. The doll stays in the shower.

Blake E – who’s about to be very unhappy

(This is the Final Rose, gentlemen.)

Lucas – WhhaaaaaaaaaaBLAKE!

The whaboom guy and a dude in a penguin suit got picked over me? I’m seriously never drinking again in my life….

You Failed!

Blake K

Grant

Jedidiah

Kyle

Michael

Milton

Mohit

Rob

The guys handle it pretty well, mostly because they’re dead tired and just want to go to sleep. Except for Milton, who oddly enough, is upset about not being able to wear all his great clothes? What??

I packed my entire springwear collection. It was amazing. A timeless combination of lightweight fabrics with subtle patterns and pastel highlights. Not too formal, not too casual. Group dates, 1-on-1’s, from wine tasting to a day at the beach – each individual piece was hand chosen to be ideal for every occasion. The perfect accouterments for the young man on a journey of love. Alas, it will never be worn…

Whatever, dude. That’s it for the first night. There’s a few characters in the group, enough to make it an entertaining ride. Coming up this season: castles, vikings, fireworks, blindfolds, blimps, Sweden, dogs, helicopters, snow (I thought we talked about cold weather locations? Harrison is gonna be pissed), Copenhagn, Lee turns into a complete dick, and an ex-girlfriend armed with a cellphone full of text messages. Should be good.

See next time, my friends….

 

And now, let’s watch the boys rap about Rachel. Except for Anthony, who spits 22 twos about a bowel movement.