The season premier is tonight?! That snuck up fast. Time for a quick and dirty run through the questionnaires before tonight’s episode. And yes, I know it’s already started on the East coast, but cut me some slack. Better late than never, and there’s been stuff happening over the past few months. As a reminder, our Bachelorette is Rachel, a 32 year old attorney hailing from Dallas, super-cute with smiles and laughs for days. She was dumped by Nick in Week 10, and considering where she is now she couldn’t be happier. Some stats on the guys: the average age is 29.7, they’re basically all 6’2″, we have no idea where they’re from or their shoe sizes, and there’s not a whole lot of tattoos in the group. But for the few guys that do have tattoos, it’s all wolves and iron crosses and wild stags with the occasional solitary letter of the alphabet for curiosity’s sake. One last side note: I was reading an article on FiveThirtyEight.com that ran a statistical analysis of all Bachelor/Bachelorette winners. Yes, I’m a dork. But I did learn that contestants that get a First Impression Rose make the Final Four 52% of the time, the Final two 35% of the time, and win 17.4% of time. Plan your predictions accordingly.
As much as I could ramble, however, the magic hour approaches and I need to walk the dog, so without further ado, say hello to the boys.
Adam, 27, 6’2″, Real Estate Agent, no tattoos – Adam’s favorite actor is Jennifer Lawrence, because “she’s every girl’s goal.” And he knows this how? Coincidentally, the most romantic present Adam has ever received was a threesome on his birthday, which is also every girl’s goal, and explains why Adam is completely qualified to speak to the hopes and aspirations of the modern woman. Or maybe he’s just confusing his goals with women’s goals. Who knows.
Alex, 28, 6’2, Information Systems Supervisor, no tattoos – Alex is the ever-ready wingman who’s adaptable and fun! Sounds like a catch, ladies! And then we find out he’s also selfish, unemotional, unapologetic and he ate a live salamander once, and now Alex is squarely back in the ‘gone on night one’ category. He thinks The Rock is an ‘artist’, likes practical gifts and treats his girlfriend like a queen. And by ‘queen’ he means, a relationship devoid of emotion, arranged for political purposes, and where he never has to say “I’m sorry.” And they eat live salamander every night.
Anthony, 26, 6’3″, Education Software Manager, no tattoos – Anthony describes himself as ’emotionally intelligent’. UGGGHHH. Taylor, the Abominable Therapy Beast has morphed into male form. Kill me now. He’s normally laid back, but turns into the party starter as the night goes on – so when he’s drunk. And how is Anthony’s behavior in the boudoir? “I have virtually no limits once the connection is there.” Huh. So, are we talking a little cosplay or full-on Christian Grey type shit? Do you have a game room, Anthony?
Blake E, 31, 6′, Aspiring Drummer, 2 tattoos – Aspiring drummer? Like, you saw Whiplash and thought “That’d be cool!”, and now you’re taking drum lessons? He has the letter ‘D’ tattooed on his left arm for the dog he rescued. Tell me Blake named his dog ‘Dog’. Do you have an ‘M’ tattoo for mom, or a ‘B’ for the time you learned to ride a bike? Or are you still just an Aspiring Bicyclist? He was engaged to a ‘crazy girl’ for 48 hours – can’t wait to hear that story – and his favorite childhood memory was horseback riding camp. In fact, Blake branded an ‘H’ on his ass; just ask him about it, he’ll be happy to show you.
Blake K, 29, 6′, US Marine Veteran, no tattoos – After the whole Alex/Chad kerfuffle, The Producers are really playing with fire, huh? He seems alright, though. When asked what he will NOT do for love, Blake says ‘no way’ to wrestling an alligator or eating monkey brains. So, I guess we’ll see you on that 2-on-1 Voodoo Ritual Date in the Everglades, Blake….
Brady, 29, 6’2″, Male Model, no tattoos – Brady has man-crush on Channing Tatum, likes tackling snowmen, and just loves his Lululemon sweat pants. WTAF? Serious question: does Lululemon make clothes for men? Or do you just like how they make your butt look, Brady? Holy cow. He also hates paying for his date and Uber drivers that don’t speak English. I can tell already that I’m gonna hate this guy.
Bryan, 37, 6’2″, Chiropractor, no tattoos – Whoa, 37 years old; this has to be some kind of Bachelor record. Unsurprisingly, this guy seems pretty normal. Wants kids, likes good table manners – though he lists 6 things as his best 3 attributes, so he still needs to learn how to count. And Bryan: don’t say your favorite flower is an ‘orchid’. C’mon, man, rookie mistake…
Bryce, 30, 6’2″, Firefighter, 2 tattoos – What is going on with Bryce? 1) Saved someone’s life during a high speed pursuit on a motorcycle. 2) Caught a girl’s hair on fire while having sex. Shouldn’t a firefighter be a little more careful about this kind of thing? Or was he having sex with someone while fighting a fire? 3) As a lover, describes himself as “a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightening.” That lights your hair on fire. What does that even mean? 4) Dream job is professional Instagrammer. Well congratulations, Bryce, because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing after the show is over.
Dean, 26, 6’2″, Startup Recruiter, 6 tattoos (including ‘Righteous’ on inner lip. Ouch) – Dean doesn’t like biting in the bedroom. If you try to bite him, ladies, Dean is going to have a discussion with you. How about marriage? “I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs.” Have you seen the show, Dean? Because I think we need to have a discussion about that…
DeMario, 30, 6’4″, Executive Recruiter, no tattoos – 100% party starter, always blowing his whistle and making noise! Which brings back hazy memories of tequila shots in Tijuana for some reason… On one hand, DeMario wants a pet lion named ‘Denzel, the Lion’ and loves Justin and Britney’s matching denim outfits. For reference:
That’s, ummm, an interesting fashion goal…
On the other hand, he’s a great big brother and he’s up for anything on a date, so I can’t tell if DeMario is in for the long run or gone on the first night. Just be careful around that open bar, my friend. She’s a cruel temptress and I’m worried about the ‘party starter/lion tamer’ in you getting over-served.
Diggy, 31, 5’11”, Senior Inventory Analyst, no tattoos – Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. “I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!” Ummm. I’ll just leave it there.
Eric, 29, 6’2″, Personal Trainer, no tattoos – I got nothing here. Except Eric does want to be Tony Robbins for a day. That’s strikes me as a red flag for some reason. Not sure why, but Tony Robbins creeps me out.
Fred, 27, 6′, Executive Assistant, no tattoos – earned two graduate degrees from two universities at the same time, that’s pretty impressive. He gets aroused at work a lot, and has to stay at his desk until it ‘subsides’, hopefully within 4 hours. His favorite artist is Jean-Paul Basquiat, and if you’re paying attention, Alex, that’s a person that paints, like, art and stuff. Unlike The Rock, who makes action movies and raises his eyebrow a lot.
Grant, 29, 5’11”, Emergency Medicine Physician, no tattoos – If Grant could be anyone for a day, it would President of the United States. You know what, Grant? I’d like it if you were President, too. Why don’t you take over tomorrow? He shaved a brain into his hair for his neuroanatomy class in med school (nerd humor). He used to sing ‘Ice Ice Baby’ at Bar Mitzvahs. Smart, kinda goofy – I’m thinking Grant has a chance to go pretty far. Wait, what was that? Grant once took a dump into a coke bottle in the back of a Peruvian tour bus? Whoa, man… that’s an image that gives me second thoughts.
Iggy, 30, 5’11”, Consulting Firm CEO, no tattoos – Iggy once got a boner at a board meeting. Is this a thing? These guys must love what they do. Really, really loooove it. And just to confirm: there’s a Diggy and an Iggy on the show? If there’s a Ziggy, I’m calling bullshit on the entire season. [scrolling to the bottom of the page. Sighing in relief.]
Jack Stone, 32, 5’11”, Attorney, no tattoos – Are you fucking serious? “Jack Stone, Attorney at Law. His passions are skydiving in the Alps and fighting for justice, but in the bedroom, he pleads the 5th.” And it’s not like there’s another Jack on the show; that’s just what he goes by. Does Rachel have to call him Jack Stone the entire season? This going to read like a bad Grisham novel. “Will you help me face my fears, Jack Stone?”, “But will Jack Stone ever have room in his life for love, when he’s so committed to the law?” and “Stop raiding craft services, Jack Stone!” (That last one was Harrison). Oh yeah, and his favorite author is John Grisham. ‘Cos, Jack Stone!
Jamey, 32, 5’9″, Sales Account Executive, 1 tattoo – Jamey’s getting that tattoo removed – sounds like a bad weekend in Vegas. Lessee, he once got caught masturbating (that sucks), his ideal mate looks like a model (deep), and he has no female friends (maybe because they invariably catch him masturbating to pictures of models?)
Jedidiah, 35, 5’10”, ER Physician, 3 tattoos – That’s a name now? All his pets are half wolf, he built a 5000 sf log cabin for his parents, and once made love on glacier. Who is this guy, Bear Grylls?
Jonathan, 31, 6’2″, Tickle Monster (Jobless), no tattoos YET – He lost his virginity with his ex-wife, and described it as ‘pretty uneventful’. I guess that’s why she’s an ex. Or maybe he spent the entire wedding night trying to tickle her, and she finally said “What the fuck, I though you were joking about the ‘tickle monster’ crap!” and then filed an annulment.
Josiah, 28, 6’3″, Prosecuting Attorney 1 tattoo – Hey, Jack Stone – Josiah’s an attorney, too, but he doesn’t call himself ‘Josiah Steele’. You can scale it back a little and still fight for justice. Just saying. He once had a first date with a pregnant woman, and he’s had sex in his office (presumably not the same woman).
Kenny, 35, 6′, Professional Wrestler, 3 tattoos (one is Japanese kanji for ‘fearless’, but most likely means ‘shrimp tempura’) – Now, here’s a guy that can claim The Rock is an artist. Here, it would make sense. Kenny has a daughter, and when he first started dating his ex, he was, umm… a little quick to fire his gun, so to speak. Not sure if those two things are related.
Kyle, 26, 5’11”, Marketing Consultant, no tattoos – Trust is earned. Disdain for corrupt authority. Very blunt. Order from the gluten free menu. This guy is a barrel full of laughs. This is a dating profile, not a job application for Leader of the Revolution. And then, we find out his ex was heavy into BDSM. Hmm… Kyle just got a lot more interesting….
Lee, 30, 5’11”, Singer/Songwriter, 1 tattoo – What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve ever rocked? How about the one I’m wearing right now!
Nice hair bro. “Hey, remember that Halloween when I dressed up as Gumby?”
Lucas, 30, 6′, Whaboom (Jobless), no tattoos – Owns an ant farm, which is awesmome if you’re 6. He’s strangely attracted to cartoon characters. Wants to have dinner with Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner. Ok. And Lucas once had a threesome at a wedding, which, funny enough, was also with Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner.
Matt, 32, 6’3″, Construction Sales Rep, no tattoos – Wants to be Matt Lauer for a day. How exciting does this guy think Matt Lauer’s life is? “Going to the Today show, reading some news. In a couple years, I’ll get to announce the Olympics again. That’s always fun.” I mean, it’s alright I guess, but if you could be anyone in the world? Aim high, man. But he volunteers with kids, likes team sports, and had sex on the balcony of a cruise ship, so he seems good enough to stick around for a few weeks.
Michael, 26, 6′, Former Professional Basketball Player, 1 tattoo – One of 4 guys not 6’2″ or taller, and he’s the professional basketball player? Oh, in Bulgaria, a nation of 7 million people, it’s own language and the Cyrillic alphabet – that’s not the easiest transition straight out of college. Michael’s got some stones. He’s on the Paleo diet and his biggest fear is a friend hooking up with an old girlfriend, because that’s apparently how the Bulgarians roll.
Milton, 31, 6’5″, Hotel Recreation Supervisor, 1 tattoo inside his lip (again, ouch) – Milton’s greatest achievement was dominating his basketball league right out of college. Maybe because his league was in Bulgaria and he was half a foot taller than everyone else on the floor. He also went 4 months without power, taking cold showers every day (I’d make another Bulgaria joke, but that might be pushing it). But Milton gets credit for flat-out admitting what no one else will say: he’s here to get discovered. People tell he’s made for movies and he’s taking his shot. It’s not the only reason, he’s quick to point out/backtrack, but it wouldn’t hurt if it turned into an acting gig. I’m gonna like Milton.
Mohit, 26, 6′, Production Manager, no tattoos – coincidentally, Mohit is from Bulgaria. Kidding. Not much here, except he likes to use Tabasco in the bedroom? What the hell is that all about? Say it with me, friends: Tabasco is not a lubricant.
Peter, 31, 6’3″, Business Owner, 4 (including a buck on his chest – the animal or the dollar?) – His biggest fears are heights and deep water, so I’m sure The Producers will keep him right at sea level the whole season, and not make him skydive into a submarine or anything.
Rob, 30, 6’2″, Law Student, no tattoos – I got nothing. These guys are all starting to sound the same. He has band boy phase in the early 2000’s. I’m so glad I never had one of those. My only phases were my metalhead phase, my stoner phase, and my inebriated phase, which I’m still in and will be sticking with for the foreseeable future. At least until the season’s over.
Will, 28, 6’3″, Sales Manager, 4 tattoos – Will’s worst date memory is ‘every Tinder date ever’, but there were apparently a lot of them, so really, how bad could they have been? And he refuses to be anyone’s second choice. Heh. I know a guy named Nick who said that very same thing. Twice.
And that’s the rundown, folks. Premier starts on the West coast in a couple hours, see ya then…