Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know – I’m absurdly late and no one even remembers what happened on Monday. I mean, Monday, are you freaking kidding me? I don’t remember what I did 4 hours ago, let alone 4 days. Whatever – let’s all just consider this a gentle late-week jog o’ the ole memory before Monday night rolls around, shall we? Onward…
The disembodied voice of Chris Harrison delivers a recap of the season so far (two whole episodes in!) and DeMario’s ex-friend-with-benefits seems a little skanky on second glance, no? Luckily, DeMario just can’t leave on the first try, so we have an opportunity to ask him about it. Or, just listen to him explain why his gut instinct is to flat-out lie when confronted with shady hi-jinks from the past.
“Yes, I slept with that woman. Yes, I ghosted her 3 days before meeting you. Yes, I tried to play it off like nothing happened until she brought her phone out. And, yes, when you and whatserbutt read ALL those text messages, I moonwalked my story faster than Michael Jackson during the Thriller years. But I care about you, Rachel, and I can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. I believe in order to know joy, you must experience pain. And the idea of going home before Josiah is real, REAL painful right now. So, what do you think?
Nice story, bro. But sometimes the way forward is back the way you came. Buh-bye…
That was cold-blooded. Even DeMario just kinda shrugs his shoulders, raises his eyebrows, and says “I can’t argue with that.” Anyone left who plans on lying to Rachel this season, just remove yourself now. That shit is not going to fly. Not this season and not with this girl.
Whaboom vs Blake has officially jumped the shark. Blake whines about Lucas eating a banana over his bed and talks about his ketogenic diet which is apparently a thing and I’m tuned out and Rachel is turned off. So she suggests that Blake enjoy the free drinks while he can and then goes somewhere else to make out with Will. Anything else? Yeah, Jonathon is still banking on the ‘tickle monster’ thing, and it hits me that he looks like Bradley Cooper, only the young, slightly annoying Bradley Cooper from Wedding Crashers
OK, so maybe it’s not ‘2011 People’s Sexiest Man Alive’ Bradley, but honestly, ladies – who would you rather be tickled by?
Speech: “Thanks for the time, thanks for being supportive, but I have limited roses, and some of you need to go (looking at you Blake and Lucas)”
Dean Franco, Peter the Self Therapist, and Josiah are pre-Rosed. Joining them:
Bryan – the scent of bougainvillea fills the room, hands gently linger over the strings of a distant guitar. Breathlessly, Rachel asks, “Will you accept this rose?” Eyes smoldering with passion, Bryan replies, “Sin duda.”
Bryce – he looks skeevy to me
Eric – This guy’s a player, just a gut feeling. And he and Lee are definitely throwing down at some point this season.
Anthony – I got nothing
Will – Rachel is all smiles with this guy. Final Four.
Jonathon – Bradley Cooper, if Bradley Cooper was a mildly creepy dude who liked to grope people unsolicited and call it ‘playing tickle monster’.
Jack Stone! – “You bet I accept this Rose, with all 32 of my blazing white teeth!”
Matt – “Can I bring my penguin suit to Paradise?”
Alex – Russian guy. And he’s about to come out of his shell tonight, ladies.
Adam – the guy with the dummy. And the dummy had more personality.
Kenny – “How ‘Kenny’ say no?” Clever…
Brady – Who? Isn’t this the guy that ran off with Britt during Kaitlyn’s season? Brody? Breaky? What was his name?
Lee – Whoooo, boy, this guy had a rough week in the news, huh? Much like tattoos, the internet is forever, my friends.
Iggy – Really? Rachel didn’t get enough career planning and flop sweat this week?
Fred – the Third Grade Bad Boy
Diggy – the well-dressed gent who hasn’t said a thing this season.
Thanks for playing:
WhaaaaaaAAAt the fuck happened? I thought chicks loved obnoxious catch-phrases?
No, Lucas, they don’t. And they don’t like the fake, pre-planned drama between you and Blake designed to get airtime, but was so transparent that even The Producers said, “This is too fake, even for us”. If these guys end up on BinP, I will officially label the franchise dead. On the plus side, Lovely Better Half won’t have to listen to me try out my new catch-phrases ad nauseum: IT’S GO TIME! CHIMICHANGA! SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPEALI-BROOOOOCIOUS!
Group Date #1 – Lights, Camera, Action! Come Join Me on the Set of Ellen
Oooooh, I wonder what they’re doing today?! Way to build up the suspense, guys. Why not just tell everyone who gets the rose? “For this date, everyone is dancing on the Ellen show, and Alex the Russki gets the rose.” Seriously, I think the Interns have lost the will to live. Anywho, our players today are Bryan, Jonathon, Peter, Will, Alex (who gets the Group Date Rose), and Fred (who gets sent home). You know, since we’re just giving shit away with the Date Card now.
Why are you smiling, Fred? Didn’t you read the Date Card?
So yeah, they pass out a crap-ton of dollar bills to the audience, and the guys pull their shirts off and go full Chippendales. And I think someone let Alex know ahead of time, because he seems way too ready for this. He’s even wearing stripper pants.
Those pants shine more than Iggy’s forehead at high noon in the peak of summer. And what’s up with the 3 guys in the back in that second picture? I don’t know if this is what they expected when their wives dragged them here today, but they’re enjoying this just a little too much…
Next up is a rousing game of Never Have I Ever. What do we learn? Most of them have thought about sex with Rachel (but not all of them? Really??), Alex has peed in the pool (dude. Not cool…), 3 out of 6 have sent a nude selfie (LBH: Who would do that? Me: ummm….), and Fred dated a woman in her 40’s when he was 21. Poor Fred, you never had a chance this season.
Night falls, and Alex dons a new pair of pants from his infamous Moscow Nightclub Collection.
Here’s the rundown on 1-on-1 time: Will: Maul. Peter: Maul. Bryan: a warm breeze tousles his hair, he pulls Rachel’s hand to his chest, she feels the rhythmic beating of his heart and he whispers into her ear “sienteme”, and then Maul. Alex: Moscow Maul (get it? Moscow Mule, Maul? I’m reaching…). Fred: Draws up a contract and sends an arbitration team to inquire with Rachel about the potential for a lip-merger opportunity, and it’s as awkward as it sounds. So much so, that when the time comes for the Group Date Rose, Rachel pulls Fred aside and tells him that it’s never going to happen.
I know Rachel had trouble moving on from our past, but, and I don’t want to sound bitter or anything, IT WAS THIRD F’ING GRADE!!
Group Date Rose goes to Alex and his Purple Pants of Dance.
Anthony 1-on-1 – Meet Me at the Rodeo
Horseback riding down Rodeo Drive, and first thought in Anthony’s head is “Man, there are NO horses in Chicago.”
But Anthony mans up, and handles the date perfectly. They get cupcakes, ride through some stores, leave horse crap on the floor. Then they go boot shopping, and Rachel finds out Anthony wears a size 13 shoe. Good news for Anthony’s prospects, if you catch my drift.
Rachel: Did you say size 13?
Rachel: That calls for a toast! Cheers….!
Nighttime brings a jazz quartet on the roof – classy move, Bachelor Production Team.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Bachelorette Intern Four, playing that classic standard, Days of Cue Cards and Roses…
…and a there’s a little dancing, a little mauling, and a Rose for Anthony. Honestly, though, I don’t see much chemistry here.
Group Date #2 – Sometimes in Relationships, the Women Have to Take Charge
Bryce, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Lee, Jack Stone!, Eric, and Brady:
Is that Brady? What is he, 12? Looks like he just hit puberty last weak. How is he still here?
And the girls are back:
Alexis: I want a drink!
Jasmine: I want a man to choke!
Corinne: I want cheesy pasta. RAQUEL!
Raven: I want to see some mud, y’all.
You’re in luck, Raven, because today the boys are mud wrestling, and Kenny is fired up with a capital ‘F’. Now, usually the guy that brags before the date ends up getting his ass kicked, but in this case, I like Kenny’s chances. Oh wait, that’s right, we’re giving things away now; Bryce wins. Though, Kenny’s before and after pictures are pretty funny:
And honestly, could The Producers make it look any gayer? I mean, mint green terrycloth shorts? Come on…
You know, just rolling around in the mud in some tiny shorts with my besties!
Kenny is a one man wrecking crew through most of it, but Bryce the Firefighter gives him a helluva battle in the finals and comes away with the upset victory. His prize? A portion of his pride back.
Nighttime, and how did Brady get his hair back like that so quickly?
It’s like magic…
And who’s the guy next to Brady? Did he just show up to the show tonight? Wait, that’s Adam, the doll guy. Be honest – you can’t pick him out of a crowd without the doll, huh? Adam’s not long for this show. Lessee… Some face mauling for Dean. Kenny was a Chippendale in a previous life. Eric is vulnerable and he’s ready to go the next level and he’s open to going there and I don’t believe a thing that comes out of his mouth. Neither does Rachel, because Lee and Bryce threw him under the bus during their conversations and she’s feeling wary.
So, we get another confrontation between the guys, though this one seems more real than the b-movie farce Blake and Whaboom reenacted. Lee and Eric fight it out in weird way, though. It sounds less like arguing and more like airing out their feelings and shit, and it’s a little weird and passive aggressive. Despite the drama, Group Date Rose goes to Eric (really??) and Lee is totally adult about it.
I’m happy for you. Really. By the way, you should check out my twitter feed sometime…
Looking at my notes, I see more Iggy vs Eric vs Lee vs Rachel and I don’t really remember much more than that. I do remember thinking that I’d rather see Iggy and Eric fight for real than argue, and “MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH!” You get the gist; Lee and Iggy and Eric are the new flash point for the midpoint drama, with much airing of grievances to come. Next week, Lee turns dark, and Rachel cries. See ya then my friends…
And now, Brady the Male Model reveals his signature move: The Booger Roll, where you pretend you pick your nose and roll it between your fingers. Like I said earlier, he just turned 12. Pretty hot, right Rachel?
Yeah, not so much….