Bachelorette Rachel Week 6 – The Mystifying Ride of Whatsisname and The Other Guy Comes to a Long Overdue End

Late again, so very late – I was traveling and couldn’t get to it. You want to know the worst part? I leave the country at the end of the month, and probably won’t get to see either Men Tell All or the Finale. I am literally the worst blogger ever. Sigh… But if I’m not prompt, at least I’m thorough; here’s a quick rundown of Week 6.

Back to Geneva and emotions are high. Every decision is more gut-wrenching than the last and hometowns are next week (and by ‘next week’, I really mean ‘tonight’ – man, I suck). Anywho, The guys are all feeling confident about their chances of moving on, which is weird considering 33% of them are going home tonight.

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What has two thumbs and loves Bachelor in Paradise? This guy! Who, Rachel? Nah, man, I don’t have a chance with Rachel…

Bryan 1-on-1 – Anyone Surprised He Was Picked First?

Nope, no one’s surprised, not even the other guys. What is surprising is how fast Bryan went from lounging in semi-homeless sweatpants to looking like this:

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What the-? What’s in that closet, Superman’s phone booth? Seriously, dude, that was fast…

Even Adam and Peter look shocked in that picture. So, what’re you two crazy kids gonna do today? Walk around, get ice cream, make small talk? Maybe a casual, low-key brunch somewhere nondescript? Nope.

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Hey, they finally found Desiree’s Bentley…

So Rachel and Bryan drive around in their $200k convertible and go to a watch store. Where Rachel buys Bryan a Swiss watch. Okay. Just to clarify, Adam got hit in the head with a wooden sword. Bryan gets a Bentley and free watch. Oh yeah, and a boat ride complete with maul session on Lake Geneva.

 

 

Thanks for the watch. Wanna make out?

But at least dinner is in a total dump. Just kidding, it’s amazeballs.

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Is this the best you can do? It’s alright, but after the watch and the boat, I thought you were going to step things up a bit for dinner…

They talk about relationships, but Rachel is so moon-eyed over Bryan that she doesn’t even hear that his last relationship ended because his mom hated his girlfriend, and that situation was eerily similar to this one.

Rachel: I’m falling so hard for you.

Bryan: Awesome! I have to warn you though, my last girlfriend was just like you. That relationship was a total disaster. She ended up dumping me because my mom was so mean to her. It was a nightmare.

Rachel: Uh-huh. I love you. I can’t wait to meet your family.

Bryan: Um, okay. But you’re gonna hate my mom.

Rachel: That sounds amazing!

Bryan could literally say anything right now and he’s getting a Rose. You know what, I don’t even need to be here for the Finale. I’ll write my recap now: Bryan wins. See you in August for Paradise.

Dean 1-on-1 – Put On Your Sunday Best

Rachel takes Dean to church. Again, Bryan got a Bentley and watch.

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He got a watch? Well, I get eternal salvation for my soul, I guess, so… just curious, though – what kind of watch was it?

Dean goes strangely silent on this date. It finally comes out that Dean’s nervous about Hometowns because his dad is a monumental nutjob. And from next week’s previews (meaning tonight, of course), Dean ain’t kidding, folks. Rachel promises not to judge him by his family, but I don’t think she understands the extent of the crazy just yet. Regardless, her curiosity wins the day, and it’s a Rose and a maul for Dean.

Peter 1-on-1 – We’re at the Peak of Our Relationship

Helicopter to the mountains, dog sledding, a lot of beautiful panoramic shots, but not a lot of conversation. Peter definitely does not end up winning. They finally find a nice, secluded spot in the wilderness to talk a bit, and Rachel looks excited to get to know Peter a little better.

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It’s so fucking cold please hurry up and read your lines so we can go home…

That looks fun. Rachel and Peter say a bunch of stuff, but they can’t understand each other because their throats are raw from arctic dehydration and their lips are trembling uncontrollably. They make out to try and preserve body heat, but it backfires when their faces get stuck together.

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So, you’re telling me the ENTIRE Caribbean was booked this time of year? It’s so cold, even the dogs went home. Seriously, I’d demand to be sent home at this point…

Nighttime: vulnerable, walls, pain is gone, open up to love, thank you for sharing, I’d love to meet your family. It was all the generic buzz words without any substance; they’re setting Peter up to be the next Bachelor. A Rose and a hometown ticket for Peter.

3-on-1 Date – Tomorrow Will Be Difficult, I Don’t Know What Else to Say

Really? That’s the date card? ABC needs to do something about their intern situation, this is getting embarrassing. Eric, Matt, and Adam – three men enter, one man leave.

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We talked to Peter last night and we all decided as a group that if there’s snow involved on this date, we’re walking out…

And why does Adam think his relationship with Rachel is stronger than anyone else’s? He hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date. He hasn’t had airtime. The only thing he’s gotten this season is stitches. Let’s go to France, shall we? Adam, Eric: you two enjoy a nice meal while Rachel sends Matt home.

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Hey man – are you gonna finish  your cake?

Matt: This isn’t easy. I lose sleep sometimes. I really want to go to Bachelor in Paradise, but not sure if I made enough of an impact, you know? I want you to be happy, of course. But I want to be happy, too, Rachel. And BinP would make me very happy.

Rachel: You remind me of myself, and I don’t want to date me. Enjoy Sayulita.

That’s one down. How do the other two do?

Eric – His family has a sketchy background, but he’s open to love. Rachel is conflicted.

Adam – Says a bunch of stuff. Rachel looks bored. Plus he brings a creepy doll with him wherever he goes.

Rachel makes her big speech: “While you’re both great guys, I’m giving the Rose to Eric, because Adam, while I’ll say something like ‘getting to know you has been amazing’, the truth is I have no clue who you are, and that doll haunts my dreams. Bye!”

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I can’t believe I’m going home, Rachel’s making a massive mistake. I was starting to fall in love, and I couldn’t wait to introduce her to my family. Dad, a retired opera puppet from the Salzburg Marionette Theater in Austria. Mom – a classic Barbie from the 50’s. And little sis – a Muppet that I picked up at Jim Henson’s estate sale. We had an entire show planned for Rachel’s hometown visit…

And the Final Four of Bryan, Dean, Eric, and Peter is set. Next week on the Bachelorette (or 2-5 hours from now, depending on your time zone): Bryan is in a bubble, Peter isn’t ready, and Dean’s dad is crazeballs. ‘A little eccentric’? You might have undersold it a bit, Dean… See you tonight, my friends.

 

And now, Peter and Rachel talk about crapping after a long run. Romantic…

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