Sorry,  everyone, we’re packing for a two week trip and it’s like mobilizing an army. Only have time for a quick rundown this week and I have no clue if Lovely Better Half and I will even get to see the Finale. I’ll definitely be back at full strength for Paradise, though, and that’s always good for some deliriously bad behavior. Anyways, onward with my half-assed Week 8 recap…

Surprise twist tonight! Rachel’s sister is 17 months pregnant and is on temporary travel restriction so the boys are meeting the family one week early this season. And, to be honest, it should probably be this way going forward. It seems a little awkward to meet the father after the Fantasy Suite dates. “Hi, I’m [insert name here], one of the three men that slept with your daughter last week. Yeah, ummm… I brought wine.”

Peter

Peter tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her. Peter is not falling in love with Rachel. It’s obvious to everyone – Rachel, Rachel’s family, Peter, the camera crew, Copper the dog, me, you – everyone knows it. Peter does not want to marry Rachel. And I don’t care how hard The Producers push this guy and how many senior yearbook photos he lists his life goals on, Peter is not Bachelor material. He’s dry, and even though he’s good-looking at first, he gets less appetizing as the season goes on. Like a Twinkie. The first bite, you’re like “Man, a Twinkie! I haven’t had one of these in forever!”, and by the fifth bite, you’re like “ugh, Twinkies are nasty, I remember why no one over the age of 8 eats these things…”

Eric

I fell asleep. I can’t remember what happened during this segment at all, beyond everyone getting along, and Rachel liking Eric more and more every day. Unfortunately. there aren’t enough days left for him to pass Bryan for the lead.  

Bryan

– Matching watches? Yeah, Bryan is winning

– “In Miami, there’s all kinds of fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks.” Fake cheeks? Wait – does Bryan have cheek implants?!

– Rachel to her girlfriends: “I thought he was a douchebag.”

– Bryan nervous babbles throughout the entire lunch, and he’s losing the whole family, one person at a time. Even Nerdy Brother-In-Law doesn’t trust Bryan.

– Speaking of Nerdy Brother-In-Law, he starts talking about ’emotional reactions’ and shit and I just KNOW he’s a psychiatrist. Take that dude’s mic away, now.

– Rachel and Bryan synchronize their matching watches and agree to meet in the Fantasy Suite at half past Sex o’clock.

Rioja, Spain

– Eric and Rachel hike through gale force winds along the Spanish coast and it looks freezing. Why won’t The Producers let Rachel be warm?

– Eric pours his heart out on this date. This poor guy is getting broken in two during the Finale. But hey, he’ll always have fond memories of the Fantasy Suite! Rachel and Eric are still wearing their coats in the Suite, by the way. Why is it so cold in Spain? For the love of all that is holy, turn the heat on for these poor kids.

– I want to move to Spain so badly. Rioja looks ridonkulous.

– “This wine cellar was built with love, passion, and commitment.” If that’s what it takes, Rachel and Peter are building a cardboard fort that wouldn’t meet my 3 year-old’s standards. Zero chemistry.

– Rachel practices some of her Spanish on Peter, so she’ll be ready for her date with Bryan. “Tomame AHORA!”

– There’s only 9 minutes left? So, we don’t see Bryan’s Fantasy Suite date until next week?

–  Peter: “I don’t know where to go from here, to be honest.” You know EXACTLY where to go, Peter. Straight to The Bachelor.

– TO. BE. CONTINUED.

Like I said,  we’ll make an attempt to watch the Finale, but can’t make any promises. I know, I know – I’m the worst blogger ever…If I can’t get to it, everyone enjoy the Most Dramatic Conclusion in Bachelorette History without us!