I just caught up on two weeks of The Bachelorette and WOW these guys are boring. I’ve retyped this opening paragraph 8 times, because I have nothing to say and I don’t know how to start this recap – that’s how little material these dudes are giving me. And what makes it worse is that Becca is completely amaze-balls. She’s fun, she’s got it together, she’s cute – seriously ABC, how do you saddle her with these clowns? Can she get a mulligan and start over with a fresh batch? Ugh. Highlights from my missing Week 2 post before we get down to business.

Welcome, gentlemen, to Bachelor Mansion. This week we’ll have – wait, who’s that guy? YOU’RE THE CHICKEN? I can’t believe you made the first cut!

Lovely Better Half: “Omigod we should totally watch this!” Really? Because we don’t have the patience to sit through 10 episodes of The Bachelor, we need it condensed into 60 minutes, including commercial breaks? The Bachelor is to cocaine what The Proposal is to crack and attention spans are officially dead. In another 5 years, one woman will choose one lucky guy from a field of 25, get engaged, dance a “heart-stopping and lascivious tango” in front of Bruno Tonioli (YASSSS DARLING!), then announce their split on twitter, all during a commercial break for ‘Grey’s Anatomy Season 20: Even WE Can’t Believe We’re Still on TV’. And speaking of ‘still on tv’:

Becca: You’re back, Rachel! Again….

Rachel: Oh yeah, Becca, we’re not going away! Now that Sean and Catherine had their baby, there’s a void left in the ‘former bachelors that won’t go away’ department, and honey, we’re filling it. Now, let me tell you what you need to do for the next 9 weeks…

Bryan: I’m sorry, Becca. If it makes you feel any better, Rachel’s just as overbearing at home…

Check this guy out. Someone bet me that Jordan isn’t riding rails every second he’s off camera. Please…

Tonight, on a dramatic Bachelorette, we finally discover the true fate of Juan Pablo…

This is honestly the greatest one-on-one date in Bachelor history. There’s a business opportunity here, right? Just get dumped by your boyfriend? Come on down Lil Jon’s Warehouse of Destruction! YEEEEAAHHHH!

A lot of mauling in this episode, e.g. Becca getting AGGRESSIVE with Blake. Grabbing the back of the head and eating his face! UNNNHH!  Unfortunately, both Blake and Becca have just been dumped, which makes this the star-crossed Double Rebound. No chance he wins.

And nothing beats Clay’s Endzone Dance Segue to Maul. That was smoooooth….

 Come on, guys, no glass in the pool.

Colton: I hooked up with Tia before the show started. Is that a deal-breaker?

Becca: Not as much as that plaid suit.

Jordan: Hey, Becca! Gaze in awe at the perfect male form!

Becca: Actually, I expected a professional model to be a little more… cut.

David: Am I supposed to look? Not look? I don’t know what to do beyond the safe confines of my chicken suit…

You definitely don’t look, bro, ‘cos looking at guys in their underwear is gay! I don’t deal with the gays or the trans or whatever they call themselves now! We should toss ’em all in the MAGA warehouses with the little immigrant kids! That’d be funny, right? Put all the weird genders and the browns in old Walmarts and make ’em watch Tomi Lahren all day! Show ’em what a REAL woman looks like, amiright? HA! Hey guys, Becca can’t hear me right now, right?

And finally, Becca’s a great girl. If I was single, I’d be as interested as the next guy. But Week 2 might be a LITTLE bit early for mental breakdowns after getting cut.

It’s all good…wait, I just threw up a little…this really sucks, but..[sob!]… whattya gonna do, right…plenty of girls out there…omigod I want to curl up and cry right now…

Sticking around: Blake, Chris, Christon, Clay, Colton, Connor, David, Garrett, Jason, Jean Blanc, John, Jordon, Leo, Lincoln, Mike, Nick, Ryan, Wills.

Alex, Rickey, Trent: Bye!

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And now, on to Week 3, filled to the brim with strong connections, little crushes, football, blood on the floor, and the professionality of Jordon’s face. And it’s all starting… right now!

All kinds of mediocre storylines tonight, not the least of which is the burgeoning Jordon vs David drama. Jordon is a Wilhelmina model who hates scrambled eggs and connecting on an emotional level. David dresses in a chicken suit while lecturing other people on decorum without a hint of irony. Who can be the biggest douche? Let’s find out! But first:

Group Date #1 – It’s Time to Relax

Wills, Jason, Jordon, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton. Congratulations, guys, you have a date with a gaggle of ex-Bachelorettes!

Cheers to Minnesota for banning Arie for life!

Wait – is that Tia in the mix? That won’t be uncomfortable at all. What a strange coincidence that she’s here. And call me crazy, but did Becca discover the bra during the off-season?

Becca: I just found the most AMAZING thing! You wear it UNDER your shirt!

Tia: Yeah, Becca. We’ve been trying to tell you about this for months…

Clearly, Tia is only here to confirm she didn’t sleep with Colton, and Becca is so all-consumed by this potential bombshell that she forgets Jason’s name.

Hi, everyone! Ok guys, this is Seinne, Crazy Dead Possum Girl, Bra-less Stoner Chick, Unknown Brunette, and TIA!. Again, that’s TIA! And girls, this is Cologne Dude, Model, Chicken Guy, COLTON, and…and uh…Whats-his-fuck, standing next to COLTON! Hey, TIA, don’t you know COLTON from somewhere?

Jason deserves the Group Date Rose tonight for this, but he’s 100% gone next week. Foot massages and manicures ensue, and even though the room is filled with effervescent giggles and playful flirtation, Becca can’t escape the Ghost of Colton and Tia’s Past, and must pull Tia aside for a private, yet on-camera, 1-on-1.

We went out a few times and all we did was kiss and when I tried to get in his pants he stopped me because he’s a virgin and I was like ‘Great! Let’s just stay friends!’ so you know, there’s nothing going on between us. And I mean NOTHING. So, if you want to break him in, knock yourself out…

Night falls, and it’s time to take the pressure off and get to know the guys. Or put people in the hot seat for past dating history. The Producers are milking the Tia situation, but is this really a big deal? In your single days, did you ever go to a party knowing someone you were interested would be there, and then hook up with someone else completely? That’s what this is. He went out with Tia a couple times, it didn’t work out and know he’s dating Becca. It’s not that weird.

You know what is weird, though? Jean Blanc stealing the head massager from the day spa and then lying about it.

What?! No, I didn’t steal it! I uhhh… PACKED it in my luggage! Yeah! Because packing a head massager in your carry-on isn’t weird at all…

Becca tells Whats-his-butt she has a little crush on him and then they maul because she feels bad about not knowing his name. And then David decides to spend his 1-on-1 time bashing Jordon. “I’m not one to throw people under the bus, BUT…”  BUT, you’ve never seen the show before and snitches never get the girl. But please, David, by all means, carry on. It’s all over 4000 matches on tinder. Speaking of which, how did I miss Tinder in my dating life? You want to know how old I am? Lovely Better Half and I met on Eharmony. Honestly, I feel like I missed out on the ultimate merger of consumerism and  dating, and I feel a little cheated.

Anyways, Jordon is not happy. He tells David it was a bitch move which, honestly, it kinda was, but Jordon might be taking it a bit too seriously. To be fair, Jordon is a Wilhelmina model, and if you want to wreck his image, you’ll never succeed, because his image is him.

Nothing better than live entertainment, boys…

Luckily, Jordon salvages the situation with Becca by saying he wants someone with a bright smile, he’s a golden retriever, and he sees her as “something he would like to see himself next to.” And really, what girl doesn’t want to be reduced to pretty, pretty arm candy?

Do you see this nail polish? How many men do you know could wear this shade of red with a blue sweater? NONE. ZERO. All conversations on color mixing begin and end with ME. That’s professionality, bitch…

Group Date Rose to Colton with a little make-out session, which is a nice preview of the only thing happening in the Fantasy Suite if Colton makes it that far.

Chris 1-on-1 – Let’s Make Your Heart Sing

Off to Capitol records for a date with Richard Marx and a stirring rendition of Right Here Waiting For You. Lovely Better Half and I got in a huge argument over whether or not this was in that Robin Hood movie with Kevin Costner, and we’re both wrong. That’s Everything I do, I Do It For You, by Bryan Adams, but really, could you pick either one of these guys out of a lineup? Anyway, even though Becca should never ever, ever sing, ever, she and Chris will nevertheless be writing their own love song today.

Could Chris look less thrilled?

Despite his reticence, Chris delves deep into his heart and his head and pours his feelings onto the page. And as much as I want to talk smack, he kinda kills it. Hey, someone puts you on the spot and makes you write rhymes about a girl you just met? That’s tough, and Chris did alright.

With night comes the possibility of young love, and Becca and Chris sit down for dinner, ignore their food, and open their hearts. Chris has a hard time opening up because his dad left on New Years Day and he has two sisters and he wrote a letter to dad and I nod off. Lovely Batter Half nudges me awake in time to see Becca to give Chris a Rose and then slow dance to Bryan Marx.

♩ Everything I do….I do it right here for you….♫

Blood on the Floor

So, David falls out of the top bunk while he’s sleeping, smacks his head on the dresser and fractures his entire face.

Chris: David fell out of bed in his sleep.

Becca: Omigod! Is he ok?

Chris: No, he’s completely fucked up. Wanna see?

Becca: I think I should before the Rose Ceremony. Whoa, is his ear missing?

Chris: No, his mouth got knocked to the side of his head, and his nose is where his chin used to be.

Becca: Wow… do I have to give him a Rose?

Chris: Yeah, just so we can show him on tv. You can send him home next week.

Group Date #2 – We Can Tackle Anything Together

Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake. We’re playing football!

Have you seen my bio? Yeah, I feel pretty confident about this date…

Easy there, Clay. The day is young and Group Dates have humbled better men in the past. Anywho, we run some drills, and then Clay is paired off with the three worst guys in the group for some 4-on-4 tackle football. And he looks thrilled.

Ok… so I guess it’s me vs everyone…

Which is pretty much what it is. When Lincoln isn’t tackling his own guys, he’s running the wrong way down the field, and Clay eventually has to take matters in his own hands. And ends up breaking one of them in the process.

Becca: Wow, you’re so brave! I feel terrible you might miss the rest of the date!

Clay: Are you nuts? Do you have any idea how much my NFL contract is worth?

Night arrives, and Becca joins the 7 guys not in the hospital for some cocktails and conversation. Garrett teaches Becca how to tackle and simultaneously troll feminists online, and they maul each other a little. Blake is in his own head. Maybe it’s the lack of nearby farm animals that makes him uncomfortable? Who knows, but Blake and Becca maul and he feels better. Clay returns from the hospital with a cast and goes for the sympathy maul, but there is nary a spark to be found. Sorry, Clay, but this season wasn’t meant to be. Then again, Group Date Rose does go to Clay, so what do I know? He only needs 7 more trips to the emergency room to win Becca’s heart.

Cocktail Party

Becca had such an amazing time this week. Sure, two guys ended up in the hospital, and one guy’s career is in jeopardy, but hey, she’s really starting to make some connections. Somone makes Becca hit a baseball (Colton? I have no idea…), another guy says his cheeks hurt from smiling, and I’m finding it real hard to pick a favorite in this group.

Clay’s one of the good ones, though. Unfortunately, he needs to put his career and his family first, and he pulls himself out to rehab his injury before next season starts. And off he goes, with neither limo nor Uber to be found.

Do I have to walk all the way to the airport?

Next week: walls are coming down individually (?), Colton wants the antics and the bullshit to be done, David is back and looks worse than anyone expected, or as Jordon puts it,  “the chicken crossed the road and got hit by a bus”. That’s actually funny. See you tonight, my friends.

Lol, The Producers had to pull the pixilated bikini box out for David’s face…