Oh where, oh where can they be? I must admit, formal wear with no socks is a trend I have not kept up with. Note to young men heading into the world for the first time: if you show up for a job interview with no socks, you will leave with no employment. Fashion tip o’ the week, courtesy of yours truly. Wow, becoming a parent has turned me into the grumpiest of old men, huh? Get off my lawn.
But, no time to debate the prevailing formalities of footwear, my friends, because that most glorious day is upon us! After finding her soul mate in Arie Luyendyk Jr, accepting an engagement ring and dedicating herself to a life of love, family and commitment to all things Dutch, Becca Kufrin was unceremoniously dumped on national television and given one whole week to recover before marching right back out in front of the cameras to find love again. You don’t think she has any lingering feelings, do you? Eh, I’m sure she’s over him. NEXT!
And speaking of ‘next’, Becca is thrown into the fire of Bachelorette-hood with no less than 28 hopeful gentlemen to choose from. Average age = 28, average height = I Don’t Know, and average tattoos and shoe size = I Don’t Know and I Don’t Know because for the love of god where are the questionnaires?!
Seriously, that’s it?! That’s not a biography, that’s an opening intro on The Dating Game...
What the hell am I supposed to with that? “Hi, I’m John the Intern! When I’m not showing up hungover to production meetings and fetching Chris Harrison’s avocado toast, I’m slacking off at my job by not uploading the survey answers to ABC’s website because nothing matters and there’s no standards of professional conduct anymore!” Maybe this sounds pathetic (not that I care), but I was legit fired up to do my Season Preview, and the Producers took all my material away. I was the kid on Christmas morning who finds out Santa decided to take that year off [sniffle]. Alright, so… I guess we’ll just go straight to the premier then…
Wow, that Final Rose that Arie gave you still looks fresh. Though, I guess it was like last Thursday…
Alright, that’s the last Arie joke, because it’s time to turn the page and move forward… into the past, to relive Becca’s horrifying break-up all over again.
Arie: I choose you today and every day, until next Tuesday. Will you marry me?
Becca: Of course!
Arie: It’s just us.
Becca: Just us!
Arie: And Lauren. Lauren’s still involved, too. But besides her, it’s just us.
Becca: Wait what?
Arie: Nothing, just thinking out loud again.
But, as heartbroken as Becca is, she still wants to find love. Of course she does, otherwise we’d be watching Tia right now. So Becca puts on her laciest bra and goes to the local conservatory to admire the flowers, while her internal monologue assures us how over Arie she really is.
Lacy is racy…
The obligatory coastal drive in a Ferrari (wait, Fer-Arie?), and to the mansion where Becca has a date with Bachelorette’s Past for invaluable advice, as well as the Ritualistic Sage-ing of the Junk.
Kaitlyn: I think I drank too much of that marijuana tea. Can you guys feel you face?
JoJo: Y’all, I sold more Thin Mints than anyone in my troop this year.
Kaitlyn: Oooh, did you bring any?
Rachel: Becca, girl, I’m about to get all up in your business with some burning sage.
Kaitlyn: That’s not a joint, is it? ‘Cos I’m good right now…
I’m only semi-joking about Kaitlyn, by the way. She doesn’t say a word the entire time; I think she might actually be high. Rachel, on the other hand, has plenty to say. And by the look on her face, Becca’s thinking the same thing I’m thinking right now.
Hold on, Rachel – aren’t you the one that blew up Peter during After The Final Rose, just because he wasn’t sure he could marry you. And he was so turned off by the whole thing, the Producers had to go with Arie because there was no one else left? Do you have any idea how much we all wanted Peter last season?
And then out comes the sage, which, if nothing else, manages to wake Kaitlyn up. They sage the house, they sage the open bar, they sage the ring finger, and then they sage Becca’s pusssh-that-thing-somewhere-else-please.
Well, I’m glad I wore a skirt for this…
Let the Parade of Limos Begin
Hi Chris! Hi Becca! Becca looks good tonight, all dressed up and ready to find love.
Not even kidding. Becca looks make-your-ex-jealous good tonight…
Let’s meet the boys. Among the memorable moments:
Colton, former NFL player, Denver CO, 26 – First one out of the limo, and brings confetti guns – nice way to kick things off. Career ending football injury led to running a cystic fibrosis charity. Not much to root against here, and Becca’s a little wobbly as he walks away, a good sign for Colton. Plus, as an added bonus, who’s a good boy?!
I’m a VERY good boy…
Clay, current pro football player, Chicago IL, 30 – Super nice guy, but… “I will catch you inside.” Get it? Like “catching a football”? Get it? That’s a joke I’d tell my son, and even he’d call me a dork.
Jean Blanc, colognoisseur, Pensacola FL, 31 – Fascinating, Jean Blanc! What cologne are you gonna go with on night one? London Gentleman? Or Blackbeard’s Delight?
“Sex Panther. It’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.”
Joe, grocery store owner, Chicago IL, 31 – Joe forgets everything he was going to say, and walks into the house mumbling to himself. Not a good start, Joe.
hair model stuntman, Studio City CA, 31 – Becca: “You have hair like my sister!” Leo: “Um, is that good or bad?”
Jordon, male model, Crystal River Fl, 26 – “I wanted Becca to hear the tapping of my shoes like it was the heartbeat of a gentleman.” For the love – I’m gonna hate this guy. All the attitude of Canadian Daniel without the comedy. His signature move is the ‘Pensive Gentleman.’ I’ve learned 3 things about modeling after meeting Jordan: 1) the power is in the brows. 2) staying tan year round is taxing, and 3) models can’t read, but they can fake it for the camera.
Mike, sports analyst, Cincinnati OH, 27 – Look, Manbun, I’m not here to tell you what to do, but Becca got dumped like 72 hours ago so do NOT, under any circumstances, bring a life-size picture of Arie with you on Night One.
Umm… Mike? What did I just say?
Garrett, medical sales rep, Reno NV, 29 – Garrett likes to have fun! He talks in silly Chris Farley voices! He makes funny faces! He shows up in a minivan with baby seats and diapers to show how fun and family friendly he is! And he LOVES stuff like this on Instagram! So much fun! You know what’s gonna be really fun? The moment when Becca (who walked in Minnesota’s Women’s March and took an election day selfie hashtagged #Imwithher) finds out Garrett is a Tomi Lahren-loving, immigrant hating, transphobic, meme-sharin’ machine! ‘Cos fireworks are fun!
Blake, sales rep, Bailey CO, 28 – Holy ox.
Yo Blake, are you just gonna leave that thing in the courtyard? Because if the interns can’t be bothered to upload questionnaires, they sure as shit aren’t putting a live ox back in the trailer.
Lincoln, account sales rep, Los Angeles CA, 26 – He’s from Nigeria, has the accent, and the ladies swooned on After the Final Rose.
♫ I always feel like, somebody’s watching me….♫
Ryan, banjoist, Manhattan Beach CA, 26 – shows up sans banjo and has nothing to say. Honestly, I think he only communicates in song. Even Becca is asking for the banjo to make an appearance.
Kamil, social media participant, Monroe NY, 30 – I didn’t realize “Twitter troll” was an actual career. Kamil plays coy by trying to get Becca to come to him instead of walking to her. Bye, Kamil.
I know you think you’re being clever, but there’s a lot of guys here with real jobs and real socks who are willing to say “Hi” without resorting to teenage negging techniques.
David, venture capitalist, Denver CO, 25 – Umm.
On second thought, maybe you should have brought a life-size Arie cut-out instead…
Believe it or not, those are the highlights. Lovely Better Half and I were talking, and there’s not a lot of good-looking guys this year. There’s a few in there, but ask yourself this: based on initial impressions, who out of this group can you see as the next Bachelor? Because I can’t see anyone. Wait, there is one guy that could do it.
Awww, yeah… You know you want it, Bachelor Nation….
A toast from Becca, and the first man to steal her away this season is (drum roll please) Connor, the fitness coach from St Pete, Florida! Remember, Connor: making the first impression doesn’t actually get you the First Impression Rose, but nice hustle anyway.
Clay invites Becca to play with clay (get it?).
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?
John, the software engineer from San Francisco, came across as a little shy and awkward at first, but then tells Becca that he helped create Venmo, and Becca is very interested.
Becca: So are you rich?
John: I mean, I can afford a 2 bedroom condo with parking in San Francisco, so yeah, I’m insanely wealthy…
Winner of the Feats of Strength Award is Christon, former Harlem Globetrotter, who jumps over Becca and dunks a ball. And Becca is not a short woman.
“When a guy says he’ll jump over the moon for you, I mean it…”
Garrett teaches Becca how to fly fish.
Becca: This is so much fun!
Garrett: Yeah, almost as much fun as tossing little immigrant kids back over the MAGA wall! Amiright? Just toss ’em right back over like a sack of potatoes! HA! Hey, you wanna hear my Chris Farley impression?!
Becca: No. And you can take your hands off me.
Garrett: I hate on TRANNNS people… in a VANNNN….DOWN BY THE RIVER!!
Becca: I’m gonna leave now…
Chase vs Chris vs Danielle
Chris: “So I know Chase’s ex-girlfriend from back home, and like she told me that Chase isn’t here for the right reasons, ‘cos all he like wants to do is like hang with his boys and revamp his marketing company and do you guys think I should talk to him about it?”
Christon: Yeah, you should definitely talk to him about it, there is 100% no chance that causing drama on night one could backfire on you, go for it.
Blake: Yeah bro, go for it, make as big a deal as possible. Make sure Becca sees it, too.
So, two out of three people pictured above have watched the show before. Guess which one hasn’t. Bingo! And so Chris confronts Chase with the ghost of girlfriend’s past.
Wut that was so long ago we only hung out for like a week I don’t even know the girl Danielle who, I watch this show with my MOM, bitches whattayagonnado?
But hey, at least Chase doesn’t panic and get Becca involved, right? Wrong, that’s EXACTLY what he does, confessing his sins to Becca without even knowing what his ex said about him. Still, we’ve seen some pretty stupid behavior on Night One before, and as long as Chase doesn’t make the situation any more awkward, there’s a chance he could still get a Rose, right?
Chase: Wait here, I’ll get Chris and he can tell you what happened.
Becca: Can I just send you both home now…
This is officially a train wreck. There’s no way Chase could screw this up any more.
Becca: But it’s weird she’s still so bitter even though it was 2 years ago.
Chase: I know. If it was going to be anyone, I thought it would be one of my two exes.
Becca: Wait – why are your two exes so pissed off?
My god. He just keeps making it worse. Honestly, Chase might as well douse himself in kerosene and light a match at this point.
Hey, Jake! Remember Me? No? Do You Remember How to Get to the Airport?
Jake, 29 year old marketing consultant from Minnesota, a guy who met Becca numerous times and made no effort to pursue her. Yet, when the Bachelor Franchise came knocking, camera crews and national audience in tow, Jake was suddenly VERY interested in making a lifelong connection. He’s also firmly in the no-socks club. Let’s chat with Jake, shall we?
Becca: We’ve met before and you never said anything, so I’m wondering if you’re really here for me.
Jake: I remember you from the Christmas party.
Becca: We met before that. A TON of times.
Jake: Hmm, yeah… I don’t remember you. Is that a problem?
Jake: I’m excited to be here. This house is great. The guys are super cool, there’s an open bar. And, you know, I want to get to know you, too.
Becca: Yeah, it’s just that we’ve met several times in the past…
Jake: To be fair, I only remember meeting you once. But you remember meeting me a bunch of times, so clearly you felt something, even though I don’t remember noticing you at all. Not even one bit. So, that has to count for something, right?
Becca: Ok, I’m going to send you home in a way that sounds like I don’t want to waste your time, but really I just want you to GTFO.
Jake: Ok, ok – I was a dick before. But I’ve had a very transformative year. Christmas party? Old Jake. Bachelorette? New Jake!
Becca: Bye, New Jake.
You think I still have a shot of getting on Paradise? Ask anyone, I’m one of the most romantic fucking people there is!
Anyways, First Impression Rose to Garrett + the first maul of the season.
Becca: Kiss me!
Garrett: I’m so glad you’re not feminist-social-justice-warrior-libtard!
Becca: Wait, what?
Garrett: In a VANNNNN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!
In Search of Missing Socks
Cheers to no socks, bro! Casual First Night! YEAH!
The crew’s tired. Chris Harrison’s tired. Craft services is out of chicken wraps. Let’s do it.
Will you accept this Rose?
Garrett has the First Impression Rose
Lincoln – Absolutely
Blake – Absolutely
Rickey – Absolutely
Jean Blanc – Of course
Christon – Of course
Clay – Of course
Wills – Absolutely
Connor – Absolutely
Jason – Hell yeah
John – Of course I will
Ryan – Yes (seriously, the guy can’t speak without his banjo)
Alex – Absolutely
Nick – Of course
Trent – Of course
Colton – Absolutely
David – Of course. BECCAW!
That feeling when you’ve been in a chicken suit for 14 hours and you just want to go to bed.
Jordan – Absolutely
Leo – Yes
Mike – You betcha
Chris – Absolutely
Don’t bother unpacking, boys:
Christian – who?
Darius – who?
Grant – Ummm…
Jake – Shoulda made your move when you knew her back when, buddy
Joe the Grocer – Joe seemed like an alright guy. He’ll be just fine
Kamil – Kamil never got dumped this hard on a first date. Dude, if you consider this a first date, you need to get out more. Try being a “Real Life Participant” for a change.
Chase – My man, you made every wrong move and then invented some new ones.
I don’t know what happened. Everything was going great, and then BAM, I’m puking all over myself…
And that’s a wrap on Night One. Coming up this season: dragons, beaches, snow, seaplanes, football, boats, far east travels, all mixed together and then generously topped off with tears, drama, lies, the professionality of Jordan’s face (?), virgins, pools of blood, ambulances, and difficult choices. Bring it on!
And now, a lesson in matchmaking through energy and pheromones, by Jordan. His love is a simmering pot, waiting for some lucky lady to bring to boil. And then it’s time for tea. Someone tell Kaitlyn.